To All Those That Are Considering A Sexless Marriage

Very powerful testimony. This is very true. The need for touch was something that overwhelmed me at times. No one should ever enter into a marriage like the one you describe. It is inhuman and inhumane. I hope you can find your way clear. I only lived it for under 5 years and thought I would go mad. You can only push away this very visceral need only so often before it starts to take hold of you physically and emotionally.

I don't know if anyone else suggested this, but maybe you should have an affair. I mean you have needs. Why not have them fulfilled by someone else. No one says that you have to divorce your husband, but I don't see that there's anything wrong with having a boyfriend too.

Informative content you share.

I stumbled onto this site today, googling sexless marriage. I feel all your pain and the pain of anyone else in this situation. I am there now myself. I am a Christian man and will not seek intimacy outside of my marriage. The Bible is against sexless marriage (I Corinthians 7:4,5) except for a short time period. We do have three grown sons. Today there is no intimacy sexually. There hasn't been much for years. I don't think she has a clue how to satisfy a man or any desire to do so, although I have tried to talk to her. We are best friends otherwise, which makes little sense. Just a few weeks ago she told me that I never loved her in all our 33 years of marriage, so don't touch me. What?!!! She is too proud to go for help (denial). So, I am frustrated all the time. Sex was usually routine. I never pushed her to try anything new because it would turn her off. But now, I am alone in my own bed, so to speak. She doesn't want me to even touch her. After 33 years of marriage, I don't understand this woman.

O man. Ive been in relationships like this before, and I dont think I can go back to that. But then again, most guys just arent affectionate like that anyway. Most guys. Its so rare, (and Ive dated many by now since I swore off relationships 4 years ago) most guys dont touch you. Alot of guys dont kiss you, and most guys are mediocre to bad in bed.



Sometimes, 30% of the time, they may be good, and somewhat affectionate with you IN THE BEGINNING, but it doesnt last, and after a few months, its another damn sexless relationship.



Sometimes I think about commiting again, but not only do they all suck, they wouldnt be good providers, and they are all poor, so I would get pretty much NOTHING out of it, except compaanoinship IF that, since It always goes south for me, sooner than later anywayz.

But my question is what did you do that your husband doesn't want to touch you? There is two sides to a story!

If everything else is good, the sex won't maaaaaaater....

Very moving story... this is my first time on the site and reading some of these posts is making me re-evaluate my situation. I am in a relationship where my boyfriend is progressively less interested in sex (we average about once every two weeks if I instigate it; if I don't we have gone up to six weeks without). Still, those numbers sound like nothing next to the stories of men and women going for months and even years without being touched by their partner. In some ways, I feel like I should be thankful for what I am getting in light of this new perspective, but then again, if it is like this after two years together, perhaps your story will be mine after ten or fifteen years together. It is hard to say and I truly do love him.

I feel your pain, I have only been married 4 1/2 years and we have no intimacy. We make love once every 4 or 5 months and then he spends his time sneaking around looking at ***** movies or buying prostitutes. I am a beautiful sexy 50 year old woman, even though I dont look 50. I thank God for that. I left him for a year because of this and came back after we decided we wanted our marriage. It was good for about two weeks and now its back to the same old dried up boring situation. We dont have children, so there should be no excuse for the "sexless marriage. We have plenty of time to have sex. I will not attempt it again for the fear of being rejected is not a good feeling. I love making love with my husband and dont desire anyone else. But...I see it coming, if something does not change, I am going to be unfatihful. I have no other choice in this marriage. Thank you for this wonderful post...God bless u

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am sad that anyone understands this heartache.



The watches comment was especially lovely. It touched my soul in ways I can't begin to describe.



Here's a toast to a little human touch. :)

There's enough of a chance that your marriage will develop into a sexless one, as mine has, and that in itself is miserable. If you can't even start off on the right foot, you are doomed to pain. Well written. Sexual compatibility is completely underrated. Well written. Couldn't agree more.

You struck a cord with this one Mary ... the gift that keeps on giving

I think there is a huge difference between no sex in a partnership and no intimacy.

I believe all sorts of hurdles can be overcome if there is still intimacy, closeness, touch, affection. These are the qualities that make the difference.

I still had sex in my marriage but it was cold, emotionless and clinical. His needs were met, never mine. There was no other touching, feelings or emotions at any other time.

Even though I was married I had never felt so alone.

I was lucky in a way, the arrival of my children brought me to my senses and gave me the courage and strength to leave and discover myself again.

He was a useless father, as cold and unloving to them as he was to me and that was the straw that broke the camels back.

It would have been a million times harder if he had been a good and loving parent.

Your statement was so poignant and heartbreakingly sad.

I cried for you. I wish you love and strength to deal with the next step, whatever you decide.

Even if you get used to it, it will come back to haunt you when you least expect it. It can seem like something else is the problem until you look close. It can get in the way of other relationships because you don't know why you feel the way you do.

But can we actually address this concern? I mean, can we accept the fact that our chosen partner may have either a physical, psychological or neurological (or any mix of the three) issue? And if we are brave enough to accept this...does that mean that we are willing to trust that they will actually take the necessary steps to address and correct such issues? That, to me, seems to be the crux of the concern. We can talk all day about a loveless marriage, relationship or whatever; but at what point are we willing to hand the 'control' of the issue over the the party which has the 'problem'? Just wondering from my own frustrating perspective!

All I can say is ditto...there is I much pain

Amen



"Everyone lives with pain and disappointment. Life hands it out. Don't go volunteering for it."

You people are all so petty, and pathetic. If you truly love THE PERSON you're with, not just how they look and what they do for you and how they make you feel about yourselves. If you actually love them more than yourself, and know that there is something bothering them about the relationship to the point of celibacy, which is done either because they feel low about themselves, they are stressed to the point that they cant even begin to worry about sex, or they feel you have wronged them to the point they are no longer comfortable being intimate with you, you should ask them flat out and address the issue from there. If they dont want to talk about it, chances are the latter. If its just simply a matter of surpassing the need for such a petty mundane desire, you will accept that thats where they have came to in life and work through it with them. Adapt for god sakes people

Please also know that when I call you all petty and pathetic, I mean no insult or disrespect, but rather aim to simply advise you of how you are conducting yourselves and going about your hardships. Isn't the real key to human evolution to strive to be more? To form solidarity beyond the depths of the skin? To be able to bond to your mate spolitically and mentally so much so the entire concept of physical intimacy and "tenderness" becomes moot in comparison? Then your talks and justifications for committing adultery are despicable, and those if you entertaining said notions should be ashamed of yourselves

MaryP5, I know where you are coming from. Last year when I took my car in for some repairs the mechanic (a man I have known for 7 years and never gave much thought to) was showing me how to make an adjustment when our arms touched. It was like a jolt of electricity went though my arm. All of a sudden I was completely aware of him as a man, his strength, his smell--I was instantly turned on. He could have taken me right then and there in the shop. This from a man I never really thought much about. Ever since then it has been hard getting him out of my head.

Well written! I, too, live in a sexless marriage, but more than the sex I miss the intimacy. I miss dressing with a purpose, being touched/hugged/kissed, getting attention...I miss being connected and engaged. I really just miss feeling like I am important to somebody (other than the children).

Wow, I am on my 3rd marriage because of this awful problem and I have beat myself over and over every time I went outside to get someone to assist with this need. The sad thing is that the "Church" only addresses it as a personal failure. The partner that is holding out is dified and the partner who took matters into his/her hands is vilified. Why does this happen? What can be done to solve it. It seems like a bait and switch tactic. Why get married if the potential for this type devestation is so HUGE and the damage is so wide reaching?

Ok, chewingpencaps. I know I'm just taking your bait, and you are not worth my time, and no matter what I type, you're not going to try to understand anything I say. But I can't just sit here either. You've pissed me off on the wrong day.



First off, lets be honest, you absolutely meant to insult me. And you have no respect for me or, I'm just guessing here, anyone that doesn't subscribe to your theories on life. It must be nice to sit in your world and be right all the time. Good for you. I am glad that you know what you want in a relationship.



"To form solidarity beyond the depths of the skin? To be able to bond to your mate spolitically and mentally so much so the entire concept of physical intimacy and "tenderness" becomes moot in comparison? "



I respect that. I hope you are living your dream.



I want to bond with my mate spiritually and mentally too. My words for that are "soul to soul." I want desperately to talk with someone. To share thoughts and feelings and laughter.



I want that bond to be perfected with physical intimacy and tenderness. My words for that are "hot monkey sex."



You have a completely different outlook on life than I do. We are never going to agree, but I don't think you are wrong. I just want you to actually respect me and quit giving me advice.

Everything is you say is so true. I am so proud of my childrn - and that took the two of us to do. Both in creating and raising.



I remember "it won't matter so much when I am older" -- and then one cold night in the mountains with too light a bag. A simple question: Do you need someone to be next to you?" -- She was tense of course but I was the perfect gentleman, and I felt her in steps, maybe three, relax and fold in to me. My hand slid off her hip and around her middle over time.



I'll never forget lying awake - her little snore, watching Orion move across to the horizon - the awful realization of what had been taken from me in feelings and time. Tears.

Very well written, I can feel your pain through your words and it made my eyes tear. I remember the first time I held someone else in my arm and kiss her passionately and came to realize how much I miss the affection. It hit me so hard I had to stop and began crying the pain was so much.



You are so right about your kids being the center of your life but remember they will grow up and leave the house.



My next move will be to leave my wife but she still possess the qualities that attracted me to her and her heart will be broken so I think I'll continue marriage for the time being.

It says it all...

It says it all... thanks for sharing..feel the same way... ;(

i think u have captured the essence of pain in your post to such an extent that i feel many people will relate to your story as from my personal experience I can certainly say that there comes a time in all the married person's life when they are faced with the same situation. I dont think any body does this purposely i,e is going sexless for a long period of time. it just happens and we are busy with upbringing of our children that sex takes a back seat in your life. so dont feel so pained. i know it is really painful for women but still getting hold of ones life is the best you could do in this kind of situation. take care and be strong.

Wow! after reading these stories I feel as if it they were talking about me. I was in the same boat and after 25yrs I decided to end it. Now I feel I should've done this a long time ago and not waited until the kids were big. I suffered for a long time through a sexless marriage and don't know how I managed, there good times and bad times but inside I lays felt left out. I'm glad I've found this group.

Have you actually talked to your husband about this? Tried counseling? Or are you just spilling your guts on a chat board and potentially risking everything that is good based upon misunderstandings or a lack of dialogue?



I am an American man who has travelled extensively overseas. Frankly, the majority of women around the world just worry about their children's safety and securing proper nutrition. Do yourself a favor and travel to India and see how the other half lives.



I have to be honest -- many American women come across as spoiled, with too much time on their hands. I don't mean to be harsh, but please look at your current situation from a global perspective. I myself chose to marry a Chinese woman who is very educated (Oxford/London School of Economics) and professionally extremely successful but who has Eastern values and strong emphasis on family.



Good luck.