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My Solution

I am a very good looking 48 year old married woman in the best shape of my life. I have used exercise to get rid of the anxiety due to the lack of intimacy with my husband. We have been married 7 years and together 8. When we first dated and he was not all over me and trying to get me into bed, I thought he was being a gentleman. I found out too late that he is just not interested in sex. I was looking forward to an exciting and rewarding sex life as I had married the most physically attractive man I ever met. The first time I saw him I went weak in the knees. Now when I see him, my stomach turns.

I warned my husband when the sex ended in 2009, that I would not stay in a sexless marriage. The sex went from once a week to once a month to once every six months, then nothing. Anytime we had sex it was because I was the one initiating it. He used every reason in the book to explain why he could not or would not have sex. I moved out July of 2009 only to have to return that same year in December. Because of the economy and a loss of my job I could not afford to rent another home. Talk about a depression. I thought I had finally moved on only to find myself back four months later.

I have spent the better part of our marriage going through all ranges of emotions trying to fix our broken relationship. I was the only one willing to change and do any of the work. I spent a year in my pastor's office crying and venting about the lack of affection from my husband. He finally said to me that my husband has abandoned me, emotionally, physically, and financially. In reality he is no longer a husband who cares for his wife. It took a while for this to set in. When I finally got the fact that I am a single married person, I decided to change what I could.

In September of 2010 I said to my husband that if no changes were made, I was going to start dating in January of 2011. It was not meant as a threat, it was a warning that my needs were not being met and I was going elsewhere if he did not want to join in the relationship. I said he has given me no indication he wants anything different so I was going to take care of myself. And that is just what I did.
As of January of 2011, I have been on several dates and do not hide this from my husband. I do not rub it in his face and only discuss it if he brings it up. In my eyes we are divorced and he is free to do as he wants. I explain to the men I date my current situation and why I am still married and living in the house. (I have no job or medical insurance and with two kids I am willing to stay married as long as my husband is OK with it) If they can handle the inconvenience then we go out. So far no man has had a problem with it. I do not bring men to the house out of respect for my husband. I am not doing this to get even with him or embarrass anyone, this is for me.

I have been intimate on several occasions with one former boyfriend, and I cannot explain the warmth and joy I felt at being desired. It is like I was woken up again from a long nightmare. I am feeling things that I have kept locked away. I am less likely to ever put up with what my husband was willing to give. When I get a job and insurance, the divorce will come. I deserve the love and attention that I have been denied. I look forward to a better way of living. For now this situation is working for me.
ldynay ldynay 46-50, F 17 Responses Mar 29, 2011

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I could only wish I had it so good, a sad comment all by itself isn't it? 7 yrs ago I was a single mom of a 7 yr old and found this great guy out of state who wanted us to be a family, he never wanted to base our relationship on sex, it became obvious this workaholic had NO INTEREST IN SEX AT ALL, it's now been 7 yrs, I feel completely dependent on him financially, I'm part time office manager at HIS business, and also have created my own small business with his clients making up my entire clientele, this makes it extremely financially impossible to leave and support my son on my own especially since I am now pregnant with the 1 time he blessed me with sex all summer long. We are engaged but I told him I refuse to set a date or walk down the isle in this sexless relationship. I tell him I refuse to live like this and he tells me if I cheat its over and if I leave him he will fight and get custody. Legally in Tx I am not allowed to take this baby back home to FL to my family and have no where else to live here in TX. this is a nightmare I feel so trapped and lonely and being pregnant only makes it hurt more.

Hi Idynay I support you whole heartedly. Remember to plan ahead and continue to be discreet.

Good for you! The lack of any response by your husband is proof you are doing the right thing. Good luck with things falling into place so you can escape your nightmare.

Kudos to to you. <br />
I know your pain only too well. <br />
I've given up with my wife and I have a similar plan to yours. <br />
Stay strong and keep looking forward.

Idynay: I have lived this way for a year now. No pitfalls as of yet. <br />
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Of course, spouses could change their minds on the deal, so I would only say you need to have an exit plan in your mind - a detailed one. Because this could eventually lead to divorce. Especially if either one of you falls in love with another.<br />
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Life can turn on a dime so it is best to plan for the worst and hope for the best.<br />
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You only owe one person an explanation - your husband. You have discharged your responsiblities by informing him of your actions, and by giving him a chance to ob<x>ject.<br />
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I would say keep using this solution until it no longer works for you, then you will have to craft another one.<br />
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And keep practicing discretion and courtsey. This goes a long way in keeping the environment at home amicable.

Thanks for all the comments to my post. It is refreshing not to have judgements made for what I am living with and the way I have come to handle it. <br />
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For any others living this way, how long did it last and are there any pitfalls to be aware of?

Your out look and the ability to stand up is both refreshing and strong. Keep on your path and walk with firm footing and you will be fine. Knowing what you need and desire in a relationship is a great sign of growth. The strength that you have inside will carry you through the hard times to come. Take time to plan them in advance and they will become a little easier to deal with. Keep posting and if you need someone to chat with look me up.

I have sex in my marriage but it ain't all that great. I am 40. When we dated, back in our 20's, she could not keep her hands off me. There were some nights I actually said "no" to her for sex. Then we got married and it went down from there. Now, we still have sex, pretty much whenever I want it but it is plain jane boring sex. Kiss a bit then I get on top, pump, over. She doesn't like to get eaten out (which I LOVE LOVE LOVE) so the closest I get is eating her for a few seconds over her panties. She says it tickles too much and is constantly trying to push me away. It's like I am battling her to just get intimate. Try to kiss her beasts? Yeah, right. Too ticklish there too. No other positions. Just missionary. <br />
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Quite boring. I would love to chat with you more on these things. Please let me know if you would like to talk more.

Wow, your wife is a very lucky woman. I wished my husband was like that. I too love to go down and just pleasure these I love, but he is not interested at all. He does not even want me to you've that area at all. I am ashamed to say , I am 34, dated for 2 yrs, now married for 15 months and I have never seen his penis :-(

Any solution only has to meet one measurement standard. That it works.<br />
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Any solution has an expiry date too, they don't work forever. Circumstances change and thinking changes, and what once worked no longer does.<br />
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So you move onto the next solution, and so on.<br />
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Your story indicates you have had a number of solutions to deal with various circumstances over the years. And you are presently in a phase where this 'open marriage' scenario is working pretty well, and it is healthy that you acknowledge that it will likely have an expiry date too.<br />
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Meantime, if it's working, ride it. And keep your mind open to all the future possibilities for your 'next' solution.<br />
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I really admire people who challenge their thinking, as you have done.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I have been using a similar solution. Temporary, yes, but it has helped me beyond measure. No one else's opinion or arguments will convince me otherwise.<br />
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I am sure Baz will be along any moment, but in the meantime...<br />
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Tread Your Own Path.

You are dealing with this the best that you can. Very creative solution and you have part of yourself back. I am so sorry about your husband. I think most of us married with the best of intentions.

Band Aid here.

I agree with the above poster. This is a patch on a gaping wound.

Idynay I have the same arrangement at home too. My story is similar to yours (less the children).<br />
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Works well so far.

Thanks for your comment. For now it is working and until something changes, I am living with what I have and not worrying about what I don't. I will add that I still wish I could have the dream that I thought I was marrying, it was just to painful to keep it alive, so I let it go.

Stay strong.

You have found a temporary solution to a permanent problem.<br />
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Keep going with this until it no longer works (or you can support yourself, etc).<br />
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You gave him fair warning, you worked your half of the circle, and you notified him of the "stepping out" prior to actually doing it. Your action blocks are all checked.<br />
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He raised no ob<x>jections. So it looks like you have struck a "deal" of Don't Ask/Don't Tell using discretion.<br />
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This creative arrangment can work if both people can handle it.<br />
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And it reads like that is your case! So this is a good thing.