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No Sex Wife & Mistress

I'm currently married for over 7 years.  I am healthy 41 years, attractive, and my wife is in her 30's attractive, healthy.  My wife has been largely uninterested in sex for years, and now only has sex on her 'ovulation' days in and effort to have a child - and even this is a struggle for her. She even went to the point a few times of having me ********* into a small container so she could inject herself with the ***** to avoid having sex! How bizarre is that?  When I said I didn't want to do it she would cry and get very crazy with me (something I learned to deal with over the years and placate her wishes just to keep the peace).  Lately the sex efforts are a little better (but still only during ovulation). To make matters worse, I don't think I even care anymore.  

I have always loved my wife but feel distant and really not so deeply connected to her, still for the most part we get along really well, and have some very good times together. For instance every week we have at least 1 or 2 dates.  Dinners, shopping, etc.  We enjoy each others company most of the time and spend a good amount of time together.  She tells me she loves me so much, how cute I am, how she wants to be with me forever etc.  There is even some quality affection, kisses hugs etc, but intimacy is just really not there at all.  So, because of this lack of any intimacy, I've been cheating on her for years now.  She must more or less know about my infidelities but I think she looks past it because she knows how sexually screwed up she is and as long as I 'love her' then she's almost ok with it.  Well, I'm not 100% sure she knows about it I just know she's not stupid.  The way I felt was, that if she wasn't going to give me sex, I'd have to find it elsewhere.  Yes I know this probably isn't the best way to deal with it, but I have needs she was completely uninterested in fulfilling.  So I began to live a double life of sorts.

I would go online and search out women who just wanted (more or less) a good time.  I found many.  I would usually lie about my name, my occupation, etc.  I became another person (usually dumbed myself down) as a guy just interested in sex and fun.  I'd have sex once or twice with them and move on with no feelings really being hurt since we both knew what the meeting was ultimately about. Some of the women were cheating on their husbands.  It was a win win for both of us.  But of course I felt that this couldn't be very healthy in the long run.

Then I met one woman who I had sex with, and I then kept seeing.  I really liked her on many levels and she me.  Soon, she figured out all my lies and called me out on them.  I thought it would end there.  But then she then told me she didn't care about the lies and that she loved me no matter what.  I was shocked.  She learned about my wife and surely didn't want to be a home wrecker.  She had a guilty concious about this - even though it was my fault because I initially told her I was single.  At times she gave me objective advice.  She was great to talk with and be with.  She claims to have never felt this way about anyone ever in her life.

Now I think I love her too.  Problem is I still love my wife and feel responsible to her, and even though she's largely given me almost nothing over the years in terms of my needs - I somehow feel very attached to her.  I am no longer 'in love' with her.  I'm not sure I even know what that means anymore.  I do know that I have 'in love' moments and hours with my mistress and that I appreciate all she does for me including cooking me great meals.  (My wife has probably cooked for me 12 times in 7 years).  So yes, that's no sex and no food.  When she does cook (or sex for that matter) it seems so contrived....so planned, almost fake.  I don't know how to describe it.  Despite all this I think of staying with her.  I'm not sure if it's just the stigma of divorce or the sadness of saying goodbye forever to someone I've been through a lot with over 10 years of relationship.

Part of me wants to just move on and leave my wife, turn the page and say 'we tried'.  I feel that our relationship is too damaged to really be fixed.  Part of me wants to stay and try to work things out with her, but I think this might be futile - because my belief is that I don't think you should have to 'work' at having sex and intimacy.  Of all things I feel that should come naturally.  I'm confused and wondering what I should do.  If I tell my wife about my mistress she'd be devastated, I can't bear the thought of that.  And my mistress has said she won't remain my mistress for too much longer....and she cries a lot and expresses how much she loves me and wants me in her life.  It's really painful to her and painful for me to see.  So if I stay with my wife I may miss out on someone who truly loves me unconditionally and that I have incredible passion and affection with.  If I go to my mistress I say goodbye to ever having children (as my mistress is probably too old and uninterested in having them) ..... it's really making me take a close look at my life and only making me confused.

Thanks for reading, and your input would be appreciated.
wasabiholic wasabiholic 36-40 36 Responses Mar 29, 2011

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Hmm.. choice between a women who seems to want you and speaks to you as an equal, or a woman who'd prefer to have you **** in a cup so she can inject it and avoid having sex with you. You know the answer.



That doesn't mean you should be mean (but sh1t, look after yourself).

Oh man, do I ever identify with you! It's like you described my situation precisely! Sorry, no advice - just compassion : what a dilemma!

Hey, kind of an advocate for staying with your wife. My situation is reversed, my husband doesn't enjoy sex, at all. He does offer cuddles and food - but I'm the female, I think I'm supposed to offer the food. I've gone through the very difficult process of getting permission to and then having a sensual relationship as well as our marriage. I was lucky. I build my shopping list and refused to stray. I found a married couple (she shares her husband, not I get both of them) that is dead set on supporting me in staying with my husband. Try a bit more openness with her, start with we have a problem, what do you want to do about it? Don't start with I have a mistress - however mention any options you can think of including that an open marriage may be the option that you two require. If she wants kids, she wants to stay with you, thinks you're a worthwhile human being, and wants to see the likeness of your attitude and physique in her child. Really think about how much she wants you. Then, really think about how much suffering you've been willing to go through for her. There's nothing like the first while of having another partner - it can bring spark back to your marriage as well if you don't have to hide it. I know my husband and I have explored so much more about each other since I gained a second partner.

Did you ever think that maybe you're just an ***? Well, maybe you should.

Yes, you should divorce your wife and take up with your mistress!!! Your wife deserves better than you anyway! Did you ever think that it was you who was sexually mixed up??
Marriage is hard work, sometimes it seems like you should just give up and move on...it doesn't work on itself or come naturally! Maybe if you gave the same effort to your marriage that you gave to looking for another and making your mistress happy, you could actually make your marriage work.
You know, it all seems hunky dory with the other woman right now because you're not talking about all the things that being in a partnership with someone is about, the house, the bills, who's taking out the garbage, who's cooking the dinner. Once you bring all that extra stuff into a relationship with your mistress, I'm sure you will be out on your *** and alone...who needs all that **** if you don't have a commitment???
Quit lying to your wife and just leave...she will be better off, you've wasted enough of her life already!!

This reply sounds very much like the voice of experience. Marriage is like a lot of things, in theory it is great but from a practical point it view it is not for everybody. We are socialized to think that it is, that is is the normal / moral / right thing to do but when you get into it you find out what you are made of and sometimes we are not who we think we are; sometimes we find out that we are not who we say we are. Life is ongoing teaching, learning and practice. Being self righteous is easy from the sidelines but it is different when it's you that is running for you life, trying to hold onto your sanity, dreams and sense of what is normal behaviour/interaction

Hi wasabiholic I am going to be blunt If I were you I would leave get a divorce. I personally don't see that there will be any improvement in your situation. If you and your gfriend are good together, a lot of love and understanding I don't see y you should be punishing yourself. I am glad to hear that you love your wife, but you have to face reality you cannot continue living this way. Your happiness comes first above anyone and if you are not getting the happiness you crave leave. I know this may sound funny coming from a woman but I am a woman who like to face reality so get your life together, be nice about it and get a divorce. Datadue

I read your story and none of the comments yet, but you have some BALLS! You obviously have never had a run-in with a husband before. In most jurisdictions around the world, crimes of passion are treated almost like "insanity" in the US, so be careful. I had a run-in with a common-law husband when I was young so I stay very far from married women. Even if a married woman gets 1 mm from my face to provoke me into sex, which has happened a few times in the last couple of years, I just act like nothing ever happened because I'm married.



My wife has cooked for me ZERO [0] times in the last 6 years. I initiate *ALL* of the sex. I'm also 99,9% happy [now] with the relationship. I can't be judgmental because I'm not in your shoes.. but it's quite obvious that your wife wants a baby, which I think is great (kids are awesome!). Why not grab her one day and spontaneously kiss her and tell her how happy you are that she wants to have a baby? There's obviously something she's unhappy with. I BET she knows you are cheating and she wants the kid, but doesn't want to risk getting any STD.



I understand the "responsibility" element. I'm married too. But if you *really* care more about the mistress, let the wife go to be empregnated by someone else, and hopefully live a happy life. If things are really bad, that's probably the best "gift" you could probably give her. In the future, should you choose to give her monetary gifts, there's likely nobody that will say "you can't do that!" You can help her for as long as you feel responsible. You would be with the mistress and everyone would be happy.



I personally think that relationships are easier to understand than something like Politicians because they usually only involve 2 people. One does something the other one doesn't like and things just snowball from there.

you have to dump this mistress! all the tears and saying she wants you? you know this game. right, she wants you until you divorce your wife. then she'll be gone. don't trust a woman who slept with a married man. put her out of the equation. then think, feel, pray, what to do about your marriage. as long as the mistress is around you will be using her as a "get ouf of jail card".



Honour your wife, respect her. do your duty towards her and talk to her. she must be feeling something too and she is younger than you - she sounds not well to me, so dont consider having children because if you have kids and then divorce thats the worst. love grows and can get lost. the secret is that both people dont fall out of love at the same time. be kind to your wife. be gentle. little notes and cards, emails and gifts. get her a small gift when you come home, smile and speak nicely to her. show her interest. you do have to work at marriage because we are all flawed and needy in our ways. And one day you will see it was love that saved you. dump the mistress.

its not always true, but most of the time it is

you cannot have a marriage without sex. what is the point of being married if you are not sexually satisfied at home so you have to go out and have sex with other people. you married for companionship, company, not friendship. If your wife was horny all the time but you had no interest she would not have stayed with you. or stay, and have a second wife to have a healthy normal relations with. provide for both, tell both of them about the other. and see what happens. buddhists are celibate and priests - but they dont marry. ive had no sex for nearly 2 months and its driving me crazy. i couldnt be married for years without sex.

Tell them you are now a polygamist, you joined LDS or muslim. They will either freakout or accept it. Naturally you must be able to provide for both. And the more you are able to provide the more women you'll have. Simple solution, isn't it?

I also think you should divorce your wife and NOT have children with her. You can still remain friends if you want to. Divorce doesn't always lead to the end of the friendship. In fact often it doesn't. Unbelievably after what we went through, my ex and I are still friends and talk frequently. He has even stayed with my current husband and I when he needed a place to stay.



Just being married to "a friend" who you feel no strong love or connection with, and who doesn't want sex with you can be tragic. You deserve to have a marriage with a truly loving, caring person you bond with in many ways (including sexually).



It may not end up working out with your mistress. Only a small percentage of people who end up leaving their spouse, end up in a long term relationship with the person they had an affair with (although I am one it worked out incredibly well for). An affair is much easier and less stressful than a marriage. The time you spend together is just about enjoying each other and having quality time together. There is no financial responsibility, bills to pay, household problems to deal with, family problems to deal with, or any of the "not fun" things that spouses share with each other. People who have affairs and then leave the spouse for the other person often come to realize that the relationship with the other person ends up having problems they don't want also.



You just want to move on from your marriage and see if you can find a woman who is just right for you in all ways. I know it will be hard to leave your mistress, but getting exactly what you want will always lead to a much happier life. Also, divorcing your wife may very well end up doing her a favor too. You may not be the right man for her, or the man she feels great love for, and that is why she doesn't want sex with you. Divorcing her and setting her free to find that man could result in her having a much happier and more fulfilling life too.



People are often fearful and insecure of the unknown, and cling to unhappy and unfulfilling relationships as a result. They often would find out that their true soul mate is out there waiting for them and they just need to let go of their fears and step into the light. Don't be afraid to be picky, and don't just settle for what comes easily instead. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.

yeah i am trying to understand men!! I am in the middle making decision to leave or stay my marriage.. my deepest inside feeling, I dont want to leave him, but same time I dont want him to feel stuck with me while he feel loveless with me.. my mind is very opening, but not my heart.. I had been married for 11 years we were separated while our itchy seven years marriage. we got back after 7 months.. i seek our relationship is good, understanding as parenting, income budget, partner excpet sex life.. no sex for seven years is really hard on me.. he said he have no straving to have sex.. but he likes other lady.. that lady doesnt know that he likes her.. for you, wife should know how you feel.. tough!! glad you share with others and it surely help you feel less alone!!

Thanks for sharing your story, I assure you time does not make her change, I spent43 years in a perfect, wonderful marriage to a beautiful, smart kind woman and the last ten years, we only had sex once on valentitnes day 5 years ago. She loves me and I love her, but we will never have sex again I am sure. We have been going to counseling of all kinds for years and I was told I WAS A SEX ADDICT! Just because I wanted to have sex with my wife. I go to SLAA meetings. It helps. I am not supposed to **********, look at ****, chat rooms or have sex of any kind to save my marriage. I have never in 43 years take care of her. She gave me an amazing son who is now a grown married man. We too enjoy so many common intrests, great traveler, entertainer, gourmet cook, great body, etc etc. Am i shallow to leave her for sex? Maybe so, but I am so happy, so free and have lots of sex now did not realize what I had been missing, I feel so alive in so many ways, I had no idea. Decided I did not want to spend the next 20 years in a sexless marrieage no mater how wonderful she was. have decided to just be best friends and date from time to time. for me, it has been the right decision, my only regret is I did not do it sooner, decades sooner. sorry to ramble on but hope it helps someone.

i know exactly how you feel, my wife isn't interested in sex either, if i am lucky i might get it once a month and i am always the one who initiates it.



i always think to myself that i married to a maid, she does house chores/cleaning twice a week, but sex is definitely a no no. don't get it wrong, my wife does have organism on every sex we have.



i am like you, i am stuck but i have 2 children, i don't want to abandon my kids or give them a bad bring-up so i choose to remain in the marriage and wish there will be a miracle soon... what i can suggest you is tell her how you feel and the possibility of ending up divorce ifshe doesn't take any action, ie. see therapist etc. don't put her out of equation yet, she has been with you for such a long time, she deserves chances from you.



it isn't right to have mistress while you are still in a marriage, you should divorce first then find a mistress, otherwise the guilt will always be with you for the rest of your life.



good luck to you...and to me.

There's a third option: you leave your marriage, explain to your mistress that you really want kids and then move on and find yourself a woman who you love and who gives you love, sex AND kids. That might imply that you'll be single for a while but probably not for long if you're really looking. These women DO exist you know! And you deserve both being loved and being a dad. Take the risk/chance. Good luck! :)

I feel sad reading this post. I see many ideas repeated; Don't have kids with her, move on, beware of rebound with your mistress. I agree for the most part.



Also, you mentioned people are warning you off having children, most of them have a jaded view: If I didn't have kids with husband/wife I'd be free to leave them. Find someone you love and who loves you and you want children together, if you decide you want children.



Also the feeeling you have with your mistress are special, simple because it is a secretive relationship. Once you are with her alone, things will change. This doesn't neccessarily mean for the bad, but relationships grow and change as time goes on. It could be great. Also, the sex may drop off a bit after you've been together for a while. As someone posted previously, it takes work and you can keep the spark alive. Sex can get better even as you grow ebcause you'll discover likes and dislikes, you don't have to talk about it (or guess if you're not talking) and you just know and so does she exactly what to do to really please you.



Also it was mentioned marriage and romance, sex and love all take work. You are putting alot of effort into your affair. It sounds like you have tried in the past to work on your marriage the best way you knew how, but your wife wasn't putting in any effort.



Okay, one more thing. I am in a similar situation but with kids. I can't imagine separating myself from them or hubby right now. But I can see that if I continue to cheat I will be ending my marriage at some point. I am resentful of hubby, and kids. I see the good that comes from the affair, not the bad so much. I only tend to see the bad in my marriage. So, if you decide to try to make marriage work then you need to cut off the affairs and nsa sex. You can't have both! Also, if your going to make your marriage work then your wife and you need to be on the same page about touch, sex, kids, cooking, etc. There are books out there of 1000 questions that cover yours/her ideas on these things that may help if you decide to work on your marriage.



What ever you decide good luck!



P.S. You can have my kids! <~ resentful me

Turn the page. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollah. Love is fleeting, you found what you think is there with the mistress, go see if it's real..



Been there, done that.

t

(was) i think what people is saying here is dont bring a child into the mix. children are meant to be loved and cherished. their fear is one of she already does not like to be touched and she is doing things that is not natural to become pregnant. if you are having problems conceiving that is what invetroe is for. but with her mental state she most likely will not treat a child any better. then the child becomes a nose around your neck for she will use that child to her advantage against you. and with your strong feelings of loyalty will stay to protect the child. move on to a place with out her and see what life offers. on your own get you to gather then work on a relationship with whom ever you choose.

but coming from a child of mentally ill she screams of it so dont think she is normal. and by the way i was told by my mother i didnt want you you were forced on me. so think what that does to a child. she may want but how will she really treat it. how ?????? does she really treat you. look long and hard and tread your own path.

Thanks again for all your replies. The general consensus seems to be "Don't have kids!" and to move on from her. I've long held this feeling in my gut but it's nice to hear strong agreement from others as it helps ease the guilt of wanting to abandon the idea of having kids with her.

It's just hard because for the most part, as I mentioned, we do get along fairly well (usually). I mean every relationship has its ups and downs but in general we coexist nicely and in many ways compliment each other like a yin/yang type of thing, and share some important values (not religious ones), humor, etc.



On another note:



Besides the complete lack of intimacy, there is also a big lack of closeness. For example, when in bed together (we'll often to go bed at roughly same time), and never ever could I touch her in bed. Not because she's afraid I'll want sex, (as I gave up on the quite some time ago), but because she really doesn't like being touched. Her skin is super sensitive, and being touched and squeezed, rubbed, caressed, just really ****** HER OFF to the point of anger. I don't think it's mental but I've taken it to be actually a physical dislike of it as she is extremely ticklish and indeed her skin does have many allergies to cheap metals and the like, so there must be something real and scientific behind it. But it's really hard not really being able to touch the person you are with, and it makes initiation almost impossible....



I'm sure you are all thinking I'm completely insane to be with this woman for 10 years. I am talking here about the negative things and there are many more negative things with her I struggle with but there are also good things, built over the years and certain love for each other - which may explain why I even ponder having a kid with her. I'm just not sure what kind of love we have anymore and if it's worth trying to make stronger, yet part of me is a person who loves to please and there is a certain pull to wanting to please her and make her happy and see her happy with a kid (and I'm sure I could cope and be happy with a kid too)..but the way some of you are portraying parenthood here - it seems like I really should run from it and am being naive for even considering it.



I am listening.

Why would you consider inflicting a crazy woman on a child as a mother? I mean really that woman is bizarre injecting herself with ***** because she doesn't like sex, geez and you are going along with that? Oh my, I'm not sure who needs the therapy most.

Ex wives often fade away...children are forever.



WHY would you want your current wife to be the mother of your children? Do you really think she is healthy/non-neurotic enough to be raising children well??



You must be much more careful in choosing the mother/father of your children than you are with choosing a spouse.

I haven't read all the other comments, so this might be repeating some of what you have already heard. For god's sake, don't have kids with your wife! Don't end your marriage just to go straight into a committed relationship with your mistress. Honor your needs, be true to yourself, and don't let any woman manipulate you into a position you don't feel good about (seems like you have a double dose of the right now).



I've had affairs, so I don't blame you or judge you for getting your needs met. However, you should not stay in a marriage that you know will never provide the intimate connection you need. If you truly want to stay with your wife, have "The Talk" with her, and/or, and/or start working on the marriage, and/or make your exit plan. This inertia will only continue to make you more miserable, so I highly recommend moving in *some* direction.

After reading about the cup, I felt like I read enough to tell you the truth: Get a divorce. Your wife does not love you and your ***** is the last thing in the world that she deserves.

However, I trudged through the rest and all of your comments curious to see if there might possibly be a redeeming detail. Nope.



After you divorce your wife, read this:

shrink4menDOTcomSLASH2011/03/29/how-to-crazy-proof-yourself-after-breaking-up-with-or-divorcing-an-abusive-girlfriend-or-wife-part-1/

Wow, that is one messed up situation. I agree with the others, children should be the last thing on your mind right now.

If you already have a mistress that you love, then I think it is time to break the ties for both you and your wife. Even though your wife obviously sounds like she has severe psychological problems, you deserve to be happy and she deserves to be happy. Cheating is not going to help achieve that on either end.

You need to be with your mistress and your wife needs to deal with her problems.

deguarddog: mistress did not know i was married for at least 2 months into seeing her. It's not her fault I turned out to be married. But after some time together she found it hard to leave me, as did I her.

Be careful. If this other woman will have sex with a married man, she might also step out on you. Just be cautious.

Again, the mistress was only supposed to be a 'lay' and then she found me out and decided she wanted more despite knowing everything. I too found it almost impossible to leave her. This is why I'm thinking this might be what they call 'true love'. I do think she's a beautiful person aside from the great sex. I chose a FB over a relationship because it was a quick fix at the time. I needed to get laid and needed that affection. I did a good job of keeping things compartmentalized (separating my sexual lust and loyalty to wife) for a long time. I'm sure you would say I wasn't being loyal to my wife. But honestly I didn't have much of a problem with myself going out and having sex. She more or less forced me into that position. It's just now that I see I can almost have it all (with mistress) that I'm starting to question what I'm still doing in my marriage.

I understand that...who wouldn't want affection, attention, sex and love when it's just not there? But just like you were not that discriminating about who you had sex with (i.e. desiring a FB vs. a relationship), do you not agree that what you think is love, might merely be an acknowledgement about what it is that you need in a marriage...and would it not be easy to fall for someone/(almost) anyone that showered you in those areas that were dry and missing?



Yes, you need to think about what it is that you want, and that's precisely why you (or anyone in our situation) should not have started (or in your case, ended up with) an affair...before you figured it out. It will only get worse for the mistress and the wife, the longer you drag this out...and like enna said...you do not want to end up "expecting" in the interim....or you will end up hurting more than the two women.

I am so sorry...I want desperately to give you some good feedback or advice, but that seems to have been covered.



I know that this has been, too, but just reading the part with *********** in the container....it just seems so effed up. I especially enjoy that you specified small container, which spared me the mental imagery of you jizzing into one of those plastic buckets they sell at the home improvement store for mixing paint and whatnot in.



I'm afraid I'm just going to have to be another in the camp of "Leave her and whatever comes after that"

Imathinkin, I think that what the mistress has shown me is a connection to something I've never had with my wife or in most other relationships before my wife for that matter. I suppose at the most it's "love" (whatever that is exactly), but at the least it's affection, attention, sex, and love shown through actions (like cooking). I do realize my mistress may not be the only one good for these things, but everything seems to click on all cylinders when we are together and she's made me feel romantic feelings for the first time I can remember. My mistress keeps telling me I need to think about 'what I want' and 'how do i want to live the rest of my life'. It's just not easy.