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My Husband Doesn't Want Me Anymore...

I've gained a lot of weight.  About 100 pounds since we met 7 years ago.  I was not small then.  But, we had no problems with sex. Over the last year, it has become more and more infrequent.  I know the solution. I need to lose weight, and become more attractive to him again.  Tonight, he promised me sex.  He said, some foreplay, and definitely sex.  But, he was asleep at 10:30pm so I assumed it was a no go for tonight.  Most of the time, I don't feel sexy, and to be honest, at my size... it's like excerise.  But, I just turned 30, and I'm craving it more and more.  Mostly, just the feel of his hands on me.  I sleep on the couch because I have sleep apnea and my snoring keeps him up, and the couch is more comfortable on my back.  But, then a little bit ago, he called me into the bedroom.  I went to the bathroom, brushed my hair, put on some perfume, and allowed myself to get excited.  When I went in there, I got sex... for a few seconds until he was done, and satisfied... and I left feeling stupid, unwanted, unloved and unsatisfied.  I'm thinking if I just give up telling him I want it, give up asking for it, give up hoping for it, then perhaps I can stop feeling so rejected.  Maybe I'll just forget about it for a while, and try to take care of myself, lose weight, and feel good about me.  And I'm hoping that one day I'll look up and he'll be there,.. wanting me again.  Tomorrow, when I wake up, I start thinking about me.  I can't keep feeling hurt and rejected all the time, it just plunges me deeper and deeper into self-loathing.
pianohands3256 pianohands3256 26-30 13 Responses Mar 30, 2011

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Hi pianohands3256 I have just read your story and to tell you the truth I really don't like<br />
phrases such as" he called me into the bedroom and allowed myself to get excited".<br />
You are one of God's beautiful daughter and you deserve respect. I am a crusader in one loving one self, self loving is one of the most important thing in a person's life. You cannot love another person if you do not love yourself. First look after your health fix those things that needs fixing, fix your mind, fix your attitude, fix your outlook on life. I see that you have gone back to school that is a positive move. Go to your doc. and get all the test done to rule out thyroid and things like that. When you start fixing yourself you will also see that your personal life needs fixing also.Datadue

My formally overweight friend used to say that there seems to be a correlation between no sex and gaining weight. The thought used to be that when you were thin, he didn't want sex, when you are fat you are getting some kind of comfort although it is not healthy for us. <br />
I just wanted to say that you deserve to be physically adored and there is no excuse for a cold selfish person to withhold from you.

Your husband is abusive towards you. He does not seem to care about your feelings or happiness. There are men who look for larger women and love them. Size should not matter if you are in love--what happens is you are supported if losing weight will help your health. Does he go on walks with you or suggest an activity? It does not sound like he is the least bit interested in you. I have large girlfriends who are married and happy. One even married a nice college professor 17 years her junior. They have been married about 10 years now. I remember when she told me that she was stopped by the police and they asked her when she was due. She was not pregnant and she is no great beauty but she is a wonderful person. He proposed to her in a carriage in central park in New York City. There is a place for you in this world and there is love for you. You get yourself together and go on with your life.

Let me add this: There are PLENTY OF MEN out there who ADORE heavy women. Really, really heavy women. Go online and see! (take the filter off your browser first, though!) And here's a revolutionary thought indeed: you might not even have to take off the weight. How's that, now? If you feel healthy and look good-and there are plenty of ravishingly beautiful fat women out there-what if you decided 'screw this loser' found a guy who wanted ALL OF YOU!!!!!???

Thank you so much everyone for all your comments! I was so surprised to get on here tonight, and see all of the wonderful advice. I don't know why I've gained the weight. I do know that I was in a 3 year relationship in high school and I gained 50 lbs. He left me for my best friend. I did not lose that weight, but I maintained it for 4 years until I met my husband. Once I was back in a relationship, it started to go up again. After 3 years, we broke up for 4 months, and I lost 30 lbs. Then we got back together, and I gained it back and 30 more. I don't understand it. I never considered the fact that he "left me hanging". It's just been the routine when he finishes first. But, then again... if I'm done, I certainly don't just "leave him hanging". I think it's more the fact that he doesn't care... or won't try. I know he's frustrated... we are both unemployed, I'm going back to school, his mother is in and out of the hospital every week.. and when she's out, we've just recently moved her in with us because she can't take care of herself. There is a LOT going on... but, it's probably been a good month or two since he's given me good attention in bed.. and I'm getting frustrated myself.

I've been on the weight roundabout all my life! Like many women I have been bigger, smaller, depressed, elated, healthy, unhealthy, sad, happy - and NEVER lost my sex drive! <br />
<br />
At almost sixty, my outlook is now this:<br />
I'm a reasonably healthy weight (size 12 USA, size 16 Australian). I could certainly be smaller - but have never been smaller than an Aussie size 12 (USA size 8) in my life. And at my biggest I was a size 22 (18 in USA).<br />
<br />
Thanks to my wonderful partner who fancies me despite the cellulite (don't you just LOATHE that awful stuff!) and the other tell tale signs of weight gain and loss I am enjoying the best sex of my entire life! This has a LOT to do with how I feel about myself - and he has certainly contributed to that self confidence with his attitude and approach to me. But it is NOT essential to have that relationship before you address your weight issues.<br />
<br />
As you address the weight and, more importantly, your health and fitness, you WILL start to feel better. If you are anything like me, you have probably looked at all one hundred pounds and thought "IMPOSSIBLE!" Instead, I encourage you to do what Weight Watchers suggest, aim for a 5% reduction. That is 5 pounds for you. 5 pounds is "doable".<br />
<br />
And then gradually aim for another 5%. Don't berate yourself if you take time to achieve this - you didn't gain it all at once. You gained it slowly and losing it the same way is best - not as satisfying as speedy loss, but better overall!!!<br />
<br />
Add a few minutes exercise each day (if possible) even if it is only 5 minutes. Many of us (including me!) tend to feel that if we don't do an hour at the gym it is "not worth it". . . .foolish thinking!! Just starting to move is a great way to make it a habit to get more exercise.<br />
<br />
And if it is running in your area, watch "Mike and Molly"! Although it is a comedy, it does show clearly how sex and sexual attraction are absolutely the RIGHT of everyone - regardless of weight issues. It will also help you to laugh (I hope!) at some of the more outrageous prejudices our society has against people with weight issues . . . . . !

Remember that those of us here in ILIASM are all sizes - very big, big, medium, small and skinny - AND we are ordinary, average, attractive, beautiful or stunning. We are old, young and in between in age. We are men and women. We are straight, bisexual and gay. We are all different races, ethnic groups, religions, political persuasions . . . . . . <br />
<br />
We are brilliant, smart, average smart, dumb and some are as dumb as rocks! We are highly educated, averagely educated and left school early. We are very successful, averagely successful, not so successful and unemployed. We are very rich, rich, comfortable, struggling, poor, in poverty and on the bread line. <br />
<br />
The point I'm making is this: sexless marriage is not connected to any particular demographic. You might believe it is your weight that is the problem. . . and that may be true. But it may just as easily be that your husband has a low libido. At times on ILIASM we have had people blame age, money earning ability, differences in ethnicity, and many other "causes" for the sexlessness of their marriages. Some may have been right, but just as often, the perceived "cause" is irrelevant.<br />
<br />
I do recall smiling at one very young woman who earnestly confided that it was only to be expected that her much older husband had lost his sex drive due to age - he was thirty six!!!<br />
<br />
So be aware that the "reason" may not be what you think it is - it may in fact be something else entirely. But regaining your health, your confidence, your positive self esteem and your personal happiness through weight loss and increased fitness HAS to be good for YOU - even though it may or may not "fix" your marriage.

Everyone here has given excellent advice, so I'll chime in on a slightly different angle. Why have you gained 100 pounds? That is a good bit of weight to put on. What has changed so drastically in your life? Do you think your eating is due to your emotions?

You have no control over what your husband feels, says or does.<br />
<br />
However, with the help of your physician and others on your team, you can formulate a plan to get yourself to a healthier place.<br />
<br />
In mind and body.<br />
<br />
-----" Maybe I'll just forget about it for a while, and try to take care of myself, lose weight, and feel good about me."<br />
<br />
You already are on your way to feeling better.

OK, so you are fat. Big deal. If your husband loved you, he would join you on the couch every night ( or maybe on top of you, whatever geometry permits ) and your snoring would be a musical lullaby to his ears. <br />
<br />
Sure you should lose weight because obesity is dangerous but being fat is not a good reason for your husband's disinterest. You are caught in a rut because a lack of intimacy is depressing. Depression makes it very difficult to get up and do things. I have a recommendation: Ask your husband to join you in some physical activity either outside or at the gym. If he refuses, go see a divorce lawyer.

From one overweight woman to another, you need to start feeling good about yourself now! You can be sexy and overweight. Trust me, I know! :)<br />
You also need to decide to lose the weight for YOU, not for him. Chances are even if you lost weight, the sexless situation will still remain the same. The weight gain is an excuse. When you marry someone you do it for better or worse, you are supposed to love them regardless. Everyone eventually starts "going downhill" at some point. We all gain weight, lose weight, lose hair, gain hair in unsightly places, get prosthetic teeth, so on and so forth. <br />
My husband and I are like the odd couple. I'm short and round and he is tall and lanky. He has never once said anything about my weight, just as I have never said anything about his. Due to his illness, there were times when he became so thin that it was scary. But I still loved him because I love him, not just his body. <br />
If someone gets married solely for looks, then God help them because they have quite a bumpy road ahead. You need to stop blaming yourself. Your husband obviously has some sort of issues going on because I've been in a lot of relationships (when I have been a normal weight and overweight) and I've never had a guy tell me "I don't think so, you are too fat!" <br />
Sure there are exceptions for both sexes where someone is extremely shallow. But you also have to give a lot of guys some credit here. As long as you are confident both in the bedroom and out of it, sweet, loving, kind, etc. then there are plenty of men willing and waiting. You need to realize that and get some confidence back!<br />
Don't let your husband fool you, there is something else going on. Have you asked him straight out what the problem is? What did he say? How does he treat you otherwise?

I have an alternate position for you to consider.<br />
<br />
Lets say that for reasons of health, enjoyed life generally, fitness and self esteem, you choose to drop some weight over a sensible time fr<x>ame. This would be a pretty good aim, and it would also be a pretty good outcome for you.<br />
<br />
Likely, as you go through this process, your outlook will change and you might start challenging your thinking about all manner of things.<br />
<br />
One of the things you might challenge your thinking about is the reality of your relationship with this superficial drone of a husband you have. I would bet, that when you drop this weight - it will not make a blind bit of difference to him. It will simply be his cue to move onto complaint / excuse #76, like "you go to the gym too much" or "you caused that Libya crisis"<br />
<br />
Look after yourself. Pursue this program of self improvement. FOR YOU !!!!!!! No-one else. YOU !!!!<br />
<br />
And, as you do, stay plugged in here. Read and learn. Challenge your thinking.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

pianohands3256 it might be not your weight gain so much as your loss of confidence which is also reflected in you asking for sex. I have been through ups and downs with my weight and my husband's interest has never diminished, but then neither was my confidence any less as I always made a practise of valuing myself for as many reasons as possible that have nothing to do with my weight. If you accept and value yourself for who you are and not for anything to do with your weight, you will actually find it easier to value yourself enought to undertake the long weightloss journey.