I Feel Like I'm Dying

Let me start off by saying I have no wish to leave my husband, or find a lover and anything. I'm just so heartbroken by our marriage that I feel like I'm dying. He had a cold family growing up, and was sexually assaulted at university. On top of that, he has an anxiety disorder that keeps him WAY stressed 80% of the time. He has such a low libido (nothing medically wrong, we've checked), and I feel like I'm turning into a raving nympho. I do my best to help him by doing the things that stress him, but lately I find myself resenting doing things because I feel like I'm alone in the intimate side of my marriage - why should I do for him, when he can't give me what I need ?  I want him to lust for me - not 24/7 (how exhausting would that be !!??) - just in general. I need to feel wanted and desired. I need him to want me. I understand his stressing, but I have needs too, and why do his issues and needs supercede mine ?

I initiate 99.9% of the time, and get turned away most of those times. When he pushes me away, or tells me to stop bugging him, I get the most terrible twisting, burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. I can only remember him initiating twice in the last few years. Since our youngest child was born, 8 1/2 years ago, I can count the number of times we've had sex on my fingers. When we are intimate, I always end up feeling like I'm abusing him - he hardly ever seems to be in the moment with me, more like he's just putting up with me. He is often so passive - I feel like I am trying to be intimate with a corpse. If I'm highly upset (like in the week before we immigrated) then he will be intimate, but I feel like it's a pity ****. Why does he only really feel the need to be intimate when I'm so upset ?

I can't even watch couples on TV being intimate any more without feeling sick with jealousy - stupid me ! I want him to want to ravish me, and to look at me with passion.

Last year In September we had a blow up over this, and went away for a weekend to try and fix it. I was so happy - I thought that at long last I would get what I need so deperately. Since then we've had sex 3 times, and not at all in the last 3 months. On top of it all, we are busy immigrating, and that stress just makes it all worse. He hasn't laid an intimate finger on me since we left our birth country at the end of last year - not even one kiss (except for the type you'd give your granny).

So what do I do ? I can't give up trying, or I might as well leave, but the constant rejection and "cold fish" I get hurts so much. I feel so dirty (and not in the good way !!) whenever I approach him. My respect and liking for myself is getting lower and lower.  I feel pathetic, and ugly, and disgusting. I know he loves me, and I love him beyond reason, but it's just not enough. I am becoming more and more angry, and resentful, and so miserable that I hurt physically.
TishFish TishFish
41-45, F
12 Responses Mar 31, 2011

Hang around here some more.
This militant group will wake you from your dying slumber.

Why are you waiting three months to have sex? Just grab him and tell him you need sex and loving and don't stop until you get it.

what happen to communication? doesn't anyone talk to each other over and over again until you get what you need.

Welcome to the club nobody want to be in. You are not alone. <br />
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And no, you are not stupid, not a nympho, not disgusting, not ugly and not asking for too much. He is your husband and as such he should desire you...he should respect you...and he should also be your trusted partner. He does not treat you like a wife deserves to be treated. This is dysfunctional. This is not acceptable. Unless he gets some professional help this cycle will never end. This cycle will continue for the rest of your life unless changes are made either by him, by the both of you or by just you. Please try to love yourself in the meantime and stay true to your self, to your needs, to your convictions, and do not lose sight of your own self-worth. <br />
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If you read a few stories here you will see that this is not about lack of sex, but rather, lack of intimacy. I understand that your husband had been abused, and I understand that he has serious anxiety issues. He needs professional help; either therapy and/or anxiety medication. And I think he has intimacy issues as well. I'm not a doctor or a therapist; I'm just a survivor of a sexless marriage, but I think I'm giving you good advice. Demand he seek help immediately. I know you're both in the midst of immigrating and the timing couldn't be worse, but this needs to be done. NOW.<br />
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You said that you are not going to leave him. That is your choice. But if you stay you WILL have to endure this state of limbo for the rest of your life unless changes are made. Hopefully he will listen to you and agree and will get professional help. He should do this if he truly loves you and cares about your happiness and about your marriage. And if you demand he seek help, make and keep a deadline. This is crucial. He could say yes and then not follow through with it. Do not settle for this.<br />
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Good luck to both of you.

men are creeps at times they dont see the beauty and whats in front of them until its to late.

TF, your H sounds soo much like my ex ... please note, my EX. <br />
Welcome, and stick around ILIASM and read lots more. We understand. <br />
You haven't mentioned if your H has had any counseling/therapy for his anxiety disorder or sexual assault. It might be worth looking into that, if only to say you've tried everything.

I just joined this site today and I have to say although I am a male I definitely can relate to what you are going through. Similiar situation after 2 kids both under the age of 6 and over the last 6 years we have gone from a couple of times a week to now maybe once every 6 weeks. I made the decision to have kids because I thought that we were fine now I realize we were wrong. I am tired tired tired of brining up the issue and nothing changing on her side so now I am like whats the point. So now I have started entertaining the idea that once my children are of legal age I am out. My parents lasted until I was 13 and I am grateful for them for doing so and since we have no other real issues I will try my best to stick it out but everyone is different and I am sure that there is someone out there that will cherish you and do everything possible to please you. Some people don't need or want that and can stay relatively happy. From your post I don't think that you are that person. Some may think you are being selfish if everything else in your relationship is good. But the other stuff may not be nearly as important to you as the sex. I am realizing that you only get 1 go round at life so why not strive for relationship that fulfills you!!!

You have done your best, but to no avail. On the other hand, you see his past and his constraints and the stress of performance. Especially for men, having too focused on sex or performance kills the very ability exactly when it is needed. No matter how supportive you are, how you try to de-stress him, when sex is on your mind, when he is aware of it, he just cant do it - take it from me. Only way is to make it very very clear to him again and again he DOES NOT need to do it but he just needs to be intimate with you, love you, hold you, kiss you... etc. That gradually takes the stress away from him, and things kick in (provided that you believe in it, relationship is alright and there are no other stress). <br />
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BUT... the formidable BUT, you have your needs, desperation levels and timeline in life. You can't possibly be absolutely patient and waiting for this to happen, yet passively and subtly encouraging him to allow it to kick-in. Then the alternative is to find an alternative yourself. Talk to him as sympathetically as possible, draw his attention to what you are being deprived and ask what "solution" he has in mind for you (ensuring it does not sound like a blame). See what he has got to tell. I even feel, having an affair will definitely help you release your own desperation and fulfill your legitimate needs, while giving you a positive energy to work on your marriage and stick to your husband for a while. Though looks paradoxical in that cheating should be helping to keep the family together, why not, if it does help. What is important is, keeping your options open.

You are dying. <br />
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You can deal with this fast or you can deal with this slow. <br />
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I recommend that you deal with this fast because -- 8 years! -- you have already dealt with this nonsense way too slowly and it is killing you. Before it kills you, this crap will destroy your soul. <br />
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To deal with this fast, look in the mirror and admit the truth that you do not want to accept: Your husband does not love you. [ The abuse and the anxiety are all bullshit excuses. Abused and anxious people still want to have sex with the people they love. Your husband's anxiety is probably compounded by his own inner duplicity which he can not escape: he does not love the woman he married. ] Then, go see a divorce lawyer because eventually, whether you like it or not, you will have to. <br />
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Men who do not sleep with their wives should not be trusted with anything this civilized world has to offer.

He doesn't love you as you NEED to be loved.<br />
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You are talking in absolutes. You won't leave, you won't have an affair. <br />
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No worries. We all started at the same point feeling the same way you do. <br />
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Here are some affirmations for you - <br />
You are beautiful<br />
You are doing nothing wrong<br />
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The anger and resentment build up and they do explode. Keep yourself open to options. Read and share and talk to people here. You will get different suggestions. Digest them and you might come up with a solution that works for you.<br />
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Good luck

Hi, I feel you do need to challenge your thinking. You said - "I can't even watch couples on TV being intimate any more without feeling sick with jealousy - stupid me !"<br />
You are not stupid at all, many here say that, me being one of them.<br />
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My wife has an anxiety disorder, she is cold and distant, and many other things, and like you I tried for a long long time. You said "I can't give up trying, or I might as well leave, but the constant rejection and "cold fish" I get hurts so much. I feel so dirty (and not in the good way !!) whenever I approach him. My respect and liking for myself is getting lower and lower. I feel pathetic, and ugly, and disgusting. I know he loves me, and I love him beyond reason, but it's just not enough. I am becoming more and more angry, and resentful, and so miserable that I hurt physically."<br />
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You will read that a 1000 times on here. Me included. It got to a point where I had to move on or I would have died inside. So, I changed my thinking and made my choices, and now I feel better for it.<br />
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We need to hit the bottom first it seems, then we start to climb again.

Welcome.<br />
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Possibly, the best thing you could do is know you are among friends at this point. And, start reading your new friends stories. Lots of them. It will not take you very long to find yourself in a story - though your name might be 'sheila from Australia' - and it will hit you that your situation is far from unique.<br />
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Hopefully, you will stick around, question, comment, contribute. And, most importantly, start challenging your thinking. <br />
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Welcome again.<br />
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Tread your own path.