I Feel Like I'm Dying
Let me start off by saying I have no wish to leave my husband, or find a lover and anything. I'm just so heartbroken by our marriage that I feel like I'm dying. He had a cold family growing up, and was sexually assaulted at university. On top of that, he has an anxiety disorder that keeps him WAY stressed 80% of the time. He has such a low libido (nothing medically wrong, we've checked), and I feel like I'm turning into a raving nympho. I do my best to help him by doing the things that stress him, but lately I find myself resenting doing things because I feel like I'm alone in the intimate side of my marriage - why should I do for him, when he can't give me what I need ? I want him to lust for me - not 24/7 (how exhausting would that be !!??) - just in general. I need to feel wanted and desired. I need him to want me. I understand his stressing, but I have needs too, and why do his issues and needs supercede mine ?I initiate 99.9% of the time, and get turned away most of those times. When he pushes me away, or tells me to stop bugging him, I get the most terrible twisting, burning sensation in the pit of my stomach. I can only remember him initiating twice in the last few years. Since our youngest child was born, 8 1/2 years ago, I can count the number of times we've had sex on my fingers. When we are intimate, I always end up feeling like I'm abusing him - he hardly ever seems to be in the moment with me, more like he's just putting up with me. He is often so passive - I feel like I am trying to be intimate with a corpse. If I'm highly upset (like in the week before we immigrated) then he will be intimate, but I feel like it's a pity ****. Why does he only really feel the need to be intimate when I'm so upset ?
I can't even watch couples on TV being intimate any more without feeling sick with jealousy - stupid me ! I want him to want to ravish me, and to look at me with passion.
Last year In September we had a blow up over this, and went away for a weekend to try and fix it. I was so happy - I thought that at long last I would get what I need so deperately. Since then we've had sex 3 times, and not at all in the last 3 months. On top of it all, we are busy immigrating, and that stress just makes it all worse. He hasn't laid an intimate finger on me since we left our birth country at the end of last year - not even one kiss (except for the type you'd give your granny).
So what do I do ? I can't give up trying, or I might as well leave, but the constant rejection and "cold fish" I get hurts so much. I feel so dirty (and not in the good way !!) whenever I approach him. My respect and liking for myself is getting lower and lower. I feel pathetic, and ugly, and disgusting. I know he loves me, and I love him beyond reason, but it's just not enough. I am becoming more and more angry, and resentful, and so miserable that I hurt physically.