She's Not The Woman I Married

I have a picture from the dating days of my wife and I. She is sitting on my lap, smiling, and her arms are wrapped around my shoulders. Her head was resting gently against me. Her smile glowed radiantly as my hands are holding her waist. Those were the best years of my life. We spoke on the phone often. Our bodies were for one another to share. We shared interests. When I spoke to her she cared.
When we would meet she would always have a little thoughtful gift for me. We would laugh often. She took and kept pictures of us together and had them framed.
We held hands and hugged each other often.
She would buy me beautiful cards just to tell me that she loved me.
We would go out to dinner or go dancing as a couple.
The lovin' was good also.
When I felt down or discouraged she was there for me.
It went this way several years into the marriage. She smothered me a bit, but I was very happy. We had kids and we were a joyous family. We would joke and play together. I even recall a time that I "mooned" my wife and son (he was about 2 years old). They both laughed, especially my son. We did things together all the time. We went to parks. Little vacations to the beach. Life was good.

Then, the changes came about. I have covered the reasons many times on here. For those of you not familiar with my story, neighboring frigid housewives got a hold of my wife. They were determined if their husbands weren't happy, then neither should I. That is a long and complicated story.

So, now, I look at the picture and I am so grateful for the love I had. Although I miss it greatly. I will probably always miss it. But, one thing is for certain now, she is not the woman I married. She no longer takes pictures of me. In fact, I think she has only put about 2 pictures of me on her facebook, even though she has posted hundreds. In fact, she has never invited me to see her facebook.

No longer will she sit on my lap. In fact, when I try to hug her or touch her, the first reaction she has is to pull away. This has been going on for years.
She never shows any response to any subject I discuss. I can predict her replies, they are almost robotic. They usually consist of "that's good." There was a time that she told me that she loved listening to me talk. Often times when I ask her simple questions she replies in irritated tones.
We no longer hold hands.
The only time we go out is with groups of friends.
I never get any cards or little loving trinkets.
I can only recall two times in the last 5 years that she told me that she loved me. Once was after I got a bonus, the other was before she was going shopping.

The change has been obvious to many people who know us. Her family has made statements to me. Her friends. My eldest child even made a remark that he thought that I was in a loveless marriage to my wife.

She acts like I am a bit repulsive physically, even though I have had comments made by other women that I look good. There was also a time that I was working on something in the house and my lose fitting shorts slid down and my butt popped out. My wife made a disgusted face when it happened. It was such a far cry from years ago.

I understand that things change. That the affection may wane a little. That the notes grow fewer, and the romance drifts off a bit. But, this has been a 180 degree change. To go from a valued, beloved husband to an irritation has been very hard to endure. The best therapy that I have had is realizing that she has changed. That I just don't matter to her for some reason or another.

I am still around for the kids, but I'm sure the days are numbered.

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31 Responses Mar 31, 2011

I too feel like my wife has done a 180 on me. we have been married for 10 yrs and they were great up to about 2 yrs ago. She used to smother me to the point sometimes I felt I couldn't breath. I noticed that she started to back off when I would ask her if I could go golfing or something and she actted like she didn't care, normally if I wanted to go she would get mad. So at first I thought that this was normal we have been together for 8yrs and she has never had to question my loyalty. Then more changes came, less passion in the bedroom, we still had sex but it seemed more like a chore for her. Now she won't even hold my hand and she rarely tells me she loves me. I confronted her on this a year ago and she said that she just needed some space. So we agreed to seperate for 1 yr( her idea not mine). What is confussing the hell out of me is that everytime we start talking about getting a divorce she pulls me back in and shows affection. Which last about a week or two, then I feel her push me away again.. I don't know what to do, I am still deeply in love with my wife..but I don't feel that she is still in love with me, just more scared of being alone. I just don't know how much longer I can still fight for a marriage and a family that I feel she doesn't want...

I hear you on the not the woman I married when my wife and I got married she was a very beautifull woman 115 pounds and sexy as can be. we could not get enough of each other the sex was never ending as was the snuggling and cuddling. when we split 27 years latter she was 260 pounds and so large I could not reach around to hug her. now I am a big man over six feet tall and a good weight at 240 I have long arms so my reach is quite large but still not enough to reach around her. and she can,t under stand why I could not have sex with her it was like making love to a bean bag chair. push once and coast the rest of the night till the rolls stopped moving. what happend how did she let herself go so far from what she once was?

Wow! With a prize like you for a husband who wouldn't gain 300lbs just to get away???

It sounds like she did a lot in the begining of your relationship but I have a question. What did you do for her? Did you show apprecitation for all that she did and the love that she gave you? Did you let her know how much you loved all that she did?
Sometimes we are enjoying the attention and love that someone gives to us that we overlook the fact that its a two way street and when we don't give back in the same way or just expect it to be that way forever.
As women, we are taught to make our men happy in every way...especially in a new relationship. We give and give, we think up new ways to make it work and grow in everyway we can. But we don't always get it back in the same way and in years of doing that work we grow resentfull and it festers and grows into something that we hold inside and that turns in to, well if he doesn't care enough to give back or work at this than I just won't do it either!! And that just turns into hate!!
Marriage is ever changing, we change ourselves and we change in our relationships Both sides, its mutual respect and compromise...its treating each other the way we want to be treated ourselves.
I'm not saying that you didn't do the work or try but you just didn't say it in your post.

Well have to admit that the constant calling would be a little bit of a smothering!
You say that all you had time to do was work and try to please her and as I take it as you wrote it, pleasing her by doing the "honey do list". That is or is in traditional marriages a man's role in a work and make sure his family has a home and everything that we need...that's part of the package. But as a woman in a traditional marriage, see things just a little differently. I am only speaking for myself, some men see working long hard hours at work and then coming home to do all those little "honey do" things should be the work that they have to do in the husband sees it this way. I understand that, I really do!! But as a woman I need an emotional connection, a sign or what ever to let me know that I am valued as his partner and lover in the marriage. I'm not saying that I don't apprectiate all that he does but I just need to know that I am still important to him and needed or desired as a woman. BUT...all of this requires communication!!!! I have to say it is the most important part of any relationship.
Did you ask her what was going on? Did you tell her that you felt that things were changing? So many marriages break up because one is always afraid to share their feelings because they will feel vunerable and laid to the hurt. You're original post was quite a while ago, are things worse with time?

Well I guess if you feel like you tried and did your best to make it work then thats all you need to justify yourself. People do change for what ever reason and life is too short to stay in a situation where things are not healthy. Are you still together?

Sounds like a good bunch to hang with! You make it sound like your wife hangs with a bunch of lesbians or she is easly swayed.
Why don't you leave? You said you had kids, do you think a marriage where there is obvious tension is a good enviorment for children?

Since it has been a while... How are things going now?

Sounds like us. Different fuel on the situation but about 90% similar. Reading all the posts have helped me realize some feelings that I have suppressed. <br />
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Thank you

My story is a bit different but the negative magnetism is the same. I was convinced she just wanted me to be someone else. I gave up on her and filed for a divorce that took 7 years because she didn't want it. We were married for 25 years. First you need to like who your partner is and let them be themselves. If you can do the same then you are both in love.

MMF,<br />
<br />
You hold the love that was between the two of you in your heart but you know it doesn't exist in reality any longer. Perhaps that is the knife in our hearts that many of us are reluctant to pull out - fearing that we will die from the massive blood loss that would surely follow. We can prepare for that moment. We can do many things that might help during that time but in the end, the only way to allow healing is to take that step and pull out that knife. We are walking around in pain because of it but we keep chosing to leave the knife in place rather than risk what would happen if we remove it. Or maybe we hold the knife in place because we don't want to risk losing what is now just memories of a love long past as we live a ghost of what once was. Perhaps in some twisted way the pain reminds us of what once was or stands as a solid note of connection that remains between us and that past joy.<br />
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I don't remember where I heard it but I keep reminding myself<br />
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Love isn't measured by how much pain we can endure.<br />
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We aren't undergoing some bizarre test in life where we will be rewarded with a return to the love (and sex) that once was if we can just endure enough pain long enough or find the magical right thing to say or do. We will never heal and the pain will remain until we take that brutal gut wrenching life changing step. <br />
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I know you also have the children to consider - but remember that they are learning about love and relationships by watching you. What do you want them to have learned when the time comes for them to be in a committed relationship?<br />
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It's easy for me to say - be brave - pull out the knife. I can say it easily because I keep saying it to myself day after day. I know I have a few more things I need to have in place before I will be ready for that step but I already feel everything that will be holding me back when the time comes. I'm not sure where or what I will draw my strength from, I just hope that I do. Oddly, what I do know is that I will be okay afterwards and so will you. Not unlike a survivor of any situation who is asked, "How did you manage to keep doing what you needed to do to survive?" the answer is simple - at that point you don't have a choice to make - you just keep doing what you need to do to survive.<br />
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Her decisions have defined her life and your pain. Don't let it remain that way. Find your way out, pull out the knife and finally begin to heal. When you are ready and if you are open, life will bring love to your life again - not the painful ghostly remains that are left to you now.

Ouch! I stand corrected. @Japangal: It should be "yours." Perhaps, it is time to pass on the red pen of grammar correction...

Are your days really numbered or will you stick it out forever? not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave. It sounds loveless, almost like she met someone else. I don't understand how else a person can change that much. Have you really tried everything? Have you suggested therapy and threatened divorce? Sometimes the D word can trigger a change. Good luck.

I did not mean to offend M M F or any of you by what I said, so I apologize for hurting or angering people.<br />
It was in retrospect that I had to realize that the best support and advice I received when I was going through real agony and so much hurt -- was the toughest to hear.<br />
I still very much believe that it is NOT up to others to make us happy; that there are TWO SIDES to everything and everyone's story. I am glad that ManMovingForward very obviously has some very dedicated friends and this is good! -- and I very sincerely hope that you, MMF, find the answers you are looking for. <br />
In my 'own' defense, I would also add that anyone who had a bad reaction to what I wrote -- that within each of strikes a chord that spells out our own needs and beliefs...some of which may be unexamined. So, no more from me on this thread. I very honestly do wish everyone well.

It sucks trying to accept that the wonderful person you used to know is no longer there. You really shouldn't stay for the kids, though: my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened to my family. Afterwards, we could finally breath after 18 years. If even your kid sees something is wrong, there's something wrong. You were loved once: you can be loved again.

It sucks trying to accept that the wonderful person you used to know is no longer there. You really shouldn't stay for the kids, though: my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened to my family. Afterwards, we could finally breath after 18 years. If even your kid sees something is wrong, there's something wrong. You were loved once: you can be loved again.

Hey ILIASMers, every Friday night and weekend is the same! The trolls come out from under their bridges. . . !! We (the Billy Goats Gruff) continue our path over our bridges as they lurk beneath, ever willing to attack, criticise, advise, comment on and generally **** all over things they know NOTHING about!<br />
<br />
I am in my "heroic" mode today so I say: IGNORE them! (Mind you, I'm known for falling off that white horse and giving as good as I get on occasions, so who am I to talk. . . ?!!! lol)

I can so relate. It is soul killing and very sad

I don't have any advice for you, and certainly no judgment. I just want to say how clearly your pain comes through, and that I sincerely empathize. I wish you strength and comfort.

To me -- just my opinion -- is that you seem to be taking the position that you are a VICTIM. It woulod seem you have remained 'perfect' all throughout your marriage and that absolutely NOTHING you have done has contributed to your misery.<br />
I had a short, awful to the point of ridiculous marriage...but it was only when I learned to take responsibility for my OWN choices (which thankfully didn't take too long! :) ...was I able to 'own my self' again and not spend my time blaming HIM... <br />
If you were to divorce her and remarry again...betcha dollars to donuts it wouldn't take long and you would be finding a DeJa VU situation. I am not saying SHE is innocent...but where you need to look is to YOURSELF ... and not to HER... to find your own peace and happiness within. This is not her job. So please stop your "Mommy do this for me and that for me" attitude... for your own sake. Live in the NOW.

@AC<br />
<br />
Given she is in a same sex relationship I thought it prudent to be polite lest I be accused of being prejudiced about same sex relationships. Preferred to stick to the fact that someone in a stable loving relationship can hardly be very ob<x>jective about persons who are not.<br />
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I can do a good line in invective though, just didn't seem appropriate here.<br />
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Tread your own path.

@BaldKate, <br />
Perhaps you might consider ******* off and dying. <br />
<br />
@Bazzar, <br />
Why the diplomacy?

@baldkate <br />
<br />
Remarkably enough, there are women who divorce their husbands too.<br />
Equally remarkably, later, divorced persons are most often very happy with their decision.<br />
<br />
Perhaps you might consider this from the viewpoint of a person actually in a sexless marriage. Your profile suggests you are in a stable loving relationship with your partner.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

There is no shame in divorce. Get out while you still have some dignity left to speak of.

Stay strong. <br />
<br />
I could have written this post. I share the same sentiments. Last week, I found a pile of early photographs that I had forgotten and it crushed me. Those early days were the happiest days of my life. It is painful to think that it was all so fleeting to my wife.<br />
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Anyway, stop wallowing. Go see a divorce lawyer and solve your sexless marriage problem.

"Women marry men hoping that they will change and they don't, men marry women hoping that they won't change, and they do" I don't know who said this, but it has stuck with me.

--Everyone has their own pain threshold and it sounds like you are quick approaching your's. (note; shout out to Sandnsurf- proper use of possessive).--<br />
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Nothing funnier than "correcting" grammar with a mistake, like yours. (There is no such word as your's. The possessive of your is yours, with no apostrophe. Same goes for hers, ours, theirs, etc.)<br />
<br />

Guaranteed, you are also not the man she married.

MMF, this is just an observation, and is off topic to a large degree, but I am curious.<br />
<br />
In your writings, there is a constant theme that your wife fell under the influence of a group of peers who are fuckwits.<br />
<br />
Essentially, I was reading a subtext that the problem was situational (that but for these morons poisoning her mind that things would be ok).<br />
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Did you ever try moving, away from this sphere of influence on her ? To test the "why" ? (the "why" being situational rather than some other "why").<br />
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Anyway, enjoyed your post a lot. Its just that bit above has had me curious for a while.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Happydiva, you don't get it. It isn't hearts and flowers. It isn't candy and outings. Believe me, we would all be getting it on a regular basis if it was...<br />
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The refusers don't want sex, and instructing a refused spouse to try harder is akin to blaming the person for their spouses refusal. If they just tried harder...were more romantic...gave more...<br />
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The people in this community are here because they have tried everything and more and it just doesn't result in change. It isn't up to a refused spouse to endlessly try to earn their spouse's intimacy and physical affection.

Yes, the romance does wane in a relationship over time and one should not expect it realistically to remain at a high level over a long term marriage. There really is no reason it can't; it just doesn't-- thats the reality. It is sort of like after the caveman clunks the woman over the head with his club and drags her back to the cave, the "romance" is over. Same thing here only we are more "evolved." But, if there is true "love," hopefully one would realize the hurt and pain and negative emotions they invoke in their partner and take the necessary steps to remove that pain and hurt, or at least lessen it, or at least make a token effort. Unfortunately, your wife's view has been poisoned by her "friends" and that is a major complication. I don't know what to say. No words of support immediately come to mind. Everyone has their own pain threshold and it sounds like you are quick approaching your's. (note; shout out to Sandnsurf- proper use of possessive). Anyway, wishing you luck in whatever happens either way, but it appears as if you are making decisions here. Perhaps one day, your wife will look back and realize what she may have potentially lost. Peace.

It's hard to let go. I know that it has been for me, and I am out of it. I loved my husband and I still do. We still had fun and friendship even very close to the end. I just couldn't deal with his control, verbal abuse, online sex fixation, and lack of ability for any intimacy. People who saw us in public thought we were a great couple and friends actually held our relationship up as some sort of example (I think this was because we laughed and we were good friends, they took our friendship as a hallmark of a successful relationship but they didn't know that was all it was)...<br />
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Leaving a person you love is incredibly hard. <br />
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I am sorry you are going through this....

Take her on a vacation with just the two of you. To talk and possibly restart the relationship up. <br />
Or take her to the place you met or hung out a lot and pull out the picture of you two and maybe she will realize that shes missing what she used to love.

If your children have noticed it, then there really is no reason for you to stay. <br />
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You just need to figure out how to do the best by them. <br />
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You have come far, emotionally. Just keep going on this journey.

I'm sorry to hear this. Sounds like a great relatioship that has just gone away. I'm having problems w/ my wife, too. Your best/only hope may be to talk to her honestly. Lay it all out. It may shorten what you express is almost inevitable, or it may fix it.<br />
Good luck.