Outsourcing Your Needs

I dont want to leave but I am not blind either , there is more to the tale than just the sexlessness.. that is but one small part of a very bog and broken picture , by rights I should walk away it would likely be best for both of us ... there is love after a fashion but is it ever enough? we are friends too after a fashion , he is very secretive ... excessively so. It used to get me worked up ... now I just dont care enough to feel upset by it. sometimes it makes me sad but its fleeting. ... broken wings

Thank you for sharing very informative I was offered to have cyber chat or cyber sex someone care to share expirince or opinion thank you for that

this has being a wake up call for me

From OP story this is something it is not clear for me.
Could be also because I am not native English speaker.

*Unlike a current poster, I cannot imagine a situation where you invite your new partner openly to your home and insist your spouse agree to you bonking each other silly in the spare room!! (And this may be very judgemental of me, but IMO, if your FWB agreed to such a thing, s/he could hardly be considered a "quality person"!!)*

Shortly if your new Friend will accept having an affair with you but with your spouse consent then he/she is not a quality person??
Honestly it will be better if you do something with spouse consent then without.
Otherwise divorce is a better option.

My experience.
I was not in sexless but in low sex marriage.
That means we did sex from time to time but always intercourse was short because she did not like it.
It was for my pleasure only.

So, I met other woman exactly as @wayupnorthincanada describe bellow my post.
I arrange a vacation for us when my wife was not home but I did not felt comfortable at all with the setting and I could not relax as I want it.
It was like driving again a good car after you walk for years by foot.
I felt clumsy, too excited and afraid that I won't be able to satisfy her properly.
Still the general feeling was good and I tried different sexual things and she look open from sexual point of view.

Now back home, I become unhappy about our sex life and after a while when me and my wife went together I fail to perform with her.
I become scared and I jump to google, in order to read about about, so I ended up finding "performance anxiety" and about guys that are concern about their performance in bed to the point that they are not able to relax.
That means sexual failure enter in their heads and that it.

I simply fall to the ground and become depressed.
Because I was to the point to loose everything and I am the one that bring money into the house my wife change for a couple of months and we visit some erotic shows, buy erotic clothes for her, some toys and so on.
It was OK for a short period of time and we had some different sexual play.

Unfortunately after that she loose again her interest and again we are not having sex.
The difference now is that I also have confidence problem and I am reluctant to engage in sexual activities with a woman.

So, bottom line is that after years when sex is low or nonexistent for men that once enjoy it then bring sex back is not exactly a switch on.
I think things could be restored gradually with the right woman but not behind wife back.
This situation could be very stressful.

I chose option 3 once in the past. The thing is it was awesome. We connected on an online bulletin board and then later met at a get together of people in the same area. She was beautiful, loved to laugh and loved sex. She was married too and we both had kids in school at the time.
It wasn't all physical. It seemed like we connected on so many levels. We often shared the same thoughts at the same time, like we knew what each other was thinking.
The affair went on for close to a year, possibly more.
But then things changed for me. I got the guilt's. On top of having a sexless marriage I also have some mental health issues and my anxiety grew out of control. I even had extreme pounding headaches near the end that were temporarily crippling.
I ended it, though I think I still love her. She ended her marriage which was not good either and struck out on her own. I believe she is now with another man. I left her a voicemail once a year or so ago and she asked me to leave her alone because she wanted this relationship to work and I had to honor her wishes of course.
If I could go back, I think I would want to have the courage to end my current marriage and embrace what I had with another wonderful woman. We seemed to fulfill each other's needs perfectly.

I am right in the middle of 2.

After three years of completely sexless marriage, a wife who is married to her job to the point of obsession, and feeling generally like a doormat in many ways, a part of me had subconsciously started looking around anyway. Each day used to feel like another lost day in this short life.

After constantly rejection in the beginning, I lost all interest in sex myself, so gave up trying. Even when we tried (which was always because I thought we needed to break the pattern), I just had no desire left for her whatsoever - I couldn't even 'perform' to any degree. It was traumatic as hell. I thought something was wrong with me --- I thought I was LL, or had other problems -- and it was driving me crazy. In the face of it, all she did was work -- weekends, nights, all the time. Not even a massage, heck.

And then - out of the blue, the third person walks in, and within a day shows what I have been missing. Not just sex, but everything - the way she cared about me, paid attention to what I was saying and remembering them for later, kindness, empathy -- it's mindblowing. To make matters more interesting - her aspirations, life-path are exactly as mine. Needless to say, it dissipated all my worries about being LL or having any issues --- the sex has been incredibly good and all my confidence is suddenly back.

It instantly became clear to me --- that if this hadn't happened, I would have been stuck in the same situation for another 3-4 years. My self-esteem would have been at the lowest.

Then I decided to I tell my wife that I am leaving the marriage - she did exactly what enna30 says above --- she started trying her best to convince me. She wants to change herself for the better, she thinks sex can be fixed etc etc. However, I did try to sleep with her after --- and the same problem --- completely no desire for her left anymore.

Can one simply burnout? Is it possible for constant rejection to lead to total apathy?

I feel terribly bad for her, and the sense of obligation is a killer. And yet, I know in my heart that going back to her wouldn't be the honest choice for my own self. It would hurt the 'other person', when she's not to blame for anything whatsoever, and it would be an act of 'kindness' for my wife rather than true desire.

It is a complicated situation though. However it pans out.

Very well written, and thought out, Enna.

How refreshing to find something objective on the subject! And timely for me, as I am having to seriously consider this as an option as I re-arrange my plan. Thanks Enna!

I thank you for getting to the point in MY life! I haven't 'stepped out' yet, but the frequency of affection at home is constantly causing me to gnaw at my leash. I wish I had some magic words to help her realize how this conundrum could be prevented.

Question: Does your spouse realize where you are in your life and relationship? If so, what was his response? If not, is he still happy?

You always have such wonderful words of wisdom. Something to think about...

Wow!!!! Talk about getting into someone's head. I am at this point in my life and marriage and have considered this very thing. I want to find that FWB but not sure howto go about it. You see i travel alot and don't do the bar scene. Divorce is repulsive to me, but may sexual needs arriving me crazy.

I need a women to make me feel good again, but I worry about catching something I can't get rid of. To top it off, I suffer from feeling guilty easily, which really sucks. What am I going to do. I am miserable!!!!!!

Thank you so much for writing this...I chose option 3...and today I started option 2 signing legal papers after over a year separation. I do see my friend..I do have feelings for him...not sure if he will ever leave his wife...I know I could not stay in my marriage...but I also hate not having access to the new man in my life...so I've traded one type of loneliness for another ......my suggestion...don't let your marriage get to a point that it lacks intimacy on very level..nurture before there's so much space between you that it is as wide as theagrand Canyon.

Number 3 is the way to go however now at 42yrs married and standing at 4yrs no sex , I find trying to find a partner is very difficult. I do ********** but that is getting very tiredsome. seems the only offers are from guys and I am still very str8

I too chose #3. I've had the best sex ever and the most fun! And even though we have been going on/off for 3 years now...my job/his job...distance....is a major issue as much
as discretion is. I lost 2 family members last year, spiraled into depression, then heavy drinking. I hadn't seen my "fwb" since December and this is the longest we've gone without...just plain without. Last time I got a txt from him, he practiacally begged me to come over. I so want to get back into that "zone" I was in with him. I miss the sex like a drug! But having a hard time jumping back on that horse. I've even told him to find someone new, who lived closer to him. How do you reestablish a connection with a FWB if they think you've moved on?

"When your spouse is busily doing all things possible to please you, a sense of obligation (and possibly increased guilt) can trap you even further."

Right, because then you cut off the FWB and try to become devoted again. But it doesn't last. I assure you. The spouses only kicking into panic mode when they realize they are losing control. Stepping up the game in order to lull you back. My episode lasted three years. In actuality, the good behavior and sex only lasted about 6 months and then tapered off. After a year, it was back to normal celibacy. However, I struggled with guilt at first. Then realizing I had been duped, anger. Then back to, I can fix this again. I did it once, I can do it again. But the FWB was long gone. Cheating is taxing on your mental health. You have to be careful in all you do. Keeping track of emails, deleting texts, secret accounts and disposable phones, whew. It takes effort to re-establish or find another FWB. There's disappointment, rejection, risk, etc. It took me an additional two years of no sex to hit the point where I said all that was worth it in order to be sexually active again. Now that I am, it's great, and I won't fall for the reconciliation again. It won't last and and I am not getting any younger.

Wait. There's a different type of marriage?

i am at number 1..staying with my hubby..i know he cannot satisfy me from his end..we r lacking of emotional intimacy and sex but i have gone through this all for i know life is more then it....

I too chose option 3, and I am in the heat of it right now. In fact, as soon as I finish typing this, I am going out to meet her (my wife is out of town). I started out about two years ago, going to prostitutes. I totally rationalized it in my mind as more clear-cut and less complicated than a full-blown emotional affair. I just desperately wanted to feel the sensation of a warm human female next to me, and to experience sex in some context other than my computer **** and my metacarpal phalanges. (That got too desperate and lonely after months and months, even though I didn't have to worry about respecting myself in the morning).

I had mixed experiences overall, ranging from extremely satisfying sex to getting ripped off. Last spring I met street walker who is half my age (I'll call her CC), with whom I had some particularly fun times. In a short time she became for me more than just another anonymous face on the street, and I became for her more than just another john. We just sort of clicked, in a lighthearted and totally relaxed way.

I lost track of her (the phone number I had for her stopped working), but thought of her often over the subsequent months. I did not pursue this version of "option 3" very often, but when I did, I found myself comparing my experiences to those I had with CC. Fast forward a few months: Last December I was out on a foggy night, and ended up reconnecting with her. I was SO SURPRISED at how happy I was to see her, and to see the enthusiasm with which she ran up to my car and seemed happy to see me. She said she had thought and wondered about me. My b.s. filters were of course interpreting this has her blowing so much smoke, but in the months since then we have been spending a LOT of time together.

It is a weird kind of thing that I don't quite know how to define. She is no longer on the street and doing tricks, and has gotten her own apartment, and has gotten in a mental health support system for counseling and addiction (typical of many prostitutes, she had a pretty horrific upbringing and has ongoing struggles with substance abuse). There is no longer anything like a quid pro quo of money exchanged for sex, though I do help her out when I can, to the extent of my limited resources. I see her 2-3 times a week, mostly on my lunch hour, and when my wife and family are out of town. The sex is AMAZING. Even after a few months, I continue to marvel at how starved I had been for physical contact and affection and mutually enjoyable intimacy. It is such a far cry from the self-loathing I felt when I eagerly accepted the begrudgingly-doled out "duty sex" my wife gave me, just under two years ago (the last time we had sex). CC asserts that this is the first time anyone has really paid attention to her sexual needs, and seems to genuinely enjoy it as much as I do. She also has repeatedly expressed her gratitude at having someone to talk to that is not "batshit crazy" (e.g. her criminal-filled family, and the circle of friends and acquaintances from similar backgrounds that have been her entire social support system for her whole life).

The words "it's complicated" do not even begin to summarize the status of this thing. But for now, knock wood, it is worth it to me. I have no idea what kind of longer-term trajectory to expect in this type of relationship. I certainly don't endorse my experience as a template or example for anyone else to follow. But it works for me. So far, at least.

P.S No guilt.....wish I had done it sooner

My husband was abusive for year. Then it happened. one day he hurt me and as i left crying like usual I decided to bring lunch to a aquantance of mine. A tall model esk blone man with well............amazingness in bed I would soon find out.I left my husband..... We continued this for months sleeping over and having a hell of a time texting each other all day. he was great. but sadely he was single for a reason, he lacked personal intimacy...and eventually i relised I had gone from one selfish man to another. But HELL the SEX was Great

Thank you for sharing, I've never outsourced myself. I never seriously thought about that option until today. Although I did, at least in my mind almost do so a couple of years ago. It was just a flirty dinner with a co-worker, and realistically, even had I responded nothing likely would have happened. But even that left me feeling guilty for months.

Again, thanks for sharing your experience, it's given me a different perspective.

I just read this and was surprised to see at the end you are a woman. I don't know why; I just was. Everything you've written I can identify with. I chose Option 3, and indeed, I have experienced all the highs you've listed. But like you, I am just now coming to the conclusion that this is no solution. Along with the highs have come some more lows - more than I had before. I felt good about myself and becoming the center of my world, but I realize now that my selfishness has done nothing but harm to me. Part of the problem in my marriage is that I feel I am no longer a priority in my H's life. It is very clear that I will never be a priority to a FWB - thereby leaving me with additional feelings of rejection.

I often think of leaving, but every time I make the pro and con list, I come to the conclusion that my leaving isn't conducive to anyone's happiness. And then I feel like I built this ship, so I should have to sail it. My home life is very pleasant. If you asked my H how our marriage was, he would tell it was wonderful!! Despite my pleading and begging - he does not see me. He never will. But I do love him. I enjoy his company. We together give our children a very happy life. To take that away from them is unbearable, so I have decided to stick it out. Really, throwing it all away over sex? That doesn't make any sense. As long as my children are happy, I will sacrifice every ounce of my being to keep them that way. And if that means putting up with what I don't want to and living without sex, so be it.

I could not handle the FWB baggage. It was too much for me. Everyone has to make their own choices. I choose now Option 1. It is the best one for me. Your choice was option 2. I wish you the best of luck, truly.

Anyone reading this can take these stories as a warning, but some things you just have to experience yourself. I often wish I never took Option 3 as to have avoided the immense pain I brought into my life, but I did, and it is what it is. I must live with the guilt and carry it with me for the rest of my life- just as I live with other bad choices in my life - and move on. One thing I have found that helps is giving of myself, as in doing volunteer work. This is definitely one thing that helps combat poor self-esteem. But at any rate, it comes down to your life is your own, and only you can chose how to live. it.

I have to agree with your comments. After I see my "special friend" I am so much better to deal with and a much happier person. After two years of a non-sexual marriage, I was about to lose my mind. This was my only alternative.

This is a fascinating topic...it's amazing to see how many people can relate so closely to what you've written, in their own unique ways... I personally am not married so I cannot relate to this in exactly the same way, however I have been in relationships where sex was a very important part of the relationship and in others where it was virtually absent altogether.

In my opinion, this discussion opens a door for another topic altogether: monogamy. It seems like to most of the people who responded here that the notion of telling your wife/husband about your sexual needs was simply out of the question. There is an expectation to be monogamous, but no flexibility when basic needs are not fulfilled by the partnership. What would happen if, instead of waiting to be caught red handed (which others have wisely stated is most likely to eventually occur), we approached the topic with our significant others?

I'd be interested to hear what people's thoughts are on monogamy in general? As intelligent sentient beings we are perhaps wired to bond to one other individual, someone with whom trust is established, friendship, and hopefully love. But as animals in our basic primal sense, does it make sense for us to be with only one other person physically? Having an affair, or "outsourcing" physical intimacy from a monogamous relationship has become extremely taboo - I'm curious how that would change (IF it would change at all) if we could accept the idea of polyamory as simply a healthy solution for certain people. I know it would never work for everyone, like anything in life - it is based on individuals and on specific relationships.

I think that outsourcing and exploring "external" intimacy can be a very exciting and certainly satisfying element in a relationship - for both parties. If it's hidden it becomes complicated, because any feelings of pleasure and joy become entwined with guilt and fear of being caught. But for a couple who has simply lost passion, inviting a 3rd member into the mix could potentially reignite things, and allow everyone to rediscover themselves and each other. I think your idea of outsourcing can be valuable not as an escape for one person but as a tool for strengthening the relationship as a whole.

Anyway, just a thought.

No sex here. My wife just pushes me away. To her, its dirty, don't want it, don't talk about it. Any excuse to get mad at me for years, like, there is a dish not put away in the kitchen or I didn't fold all the laundry yet. I understand it now. She is a cerebral pathological narcissist. That means she hates physical intimacy because it could reveal weakness or dependency or need. She has to keep her image of being totally in control and hating others as dogmatically inferior. I quit. I exercise to get in great shape, I am extra horny, can do it every day, but no outlet. God played a joke on me. I loose.

I went through it also. I went on sex sites and found women who would have sex with me. I became obsessed with it. then I found one close to home close to my work. she was not satisfied with her sex life either. We would meet in my office and have the hottest sex I have ever had. I was renting out office space to another company and got her a job with them. We had the office to ourselves all day. We had sex almost everyday. We were almost caught by her hubby a couple times. Eventually we feel in love. Our bond became more than just sex. We were txting each other all the time. One night I went to sleep my exwife checked my phone. BUSTED is all I can say. The ex tried to get me to stop but the bond was to strong we could not. I left my home with my clothes and golf clubs. My lover stayed with her husband we still talk almost everyday. Her kids were small she did not want to leave them. I am now remarried to a wonderful woman who take care of my sexual and emotional needs. I no longer see my lover but we can not stop communication with each other.
So for those of you out there who think you will never get caught you will. I may not have left had I not met her. My life is much better now. Only one more year of alimony.

Amazing topic! I can't imagine how hard this situation must be to live in daily... so frustrating, unfullfilling and living in a 'type' of prison! And involuntary prison is like a type of death. In my case I have a very strong sexual preference for ladies who wear anything silky which stimulates me totally! If however I was in a relationship with a woman who rejected my sexual preferences, I would be condemned to a 'prison' too. And life is short, so finding that 'right' partner is life changing and liberating and a priority for me. I just hope the situation changes for you, and that you find some pleasure in life again by expressing your sexuality.

Thank you for this piece you have written, it has given me lot to think about as I have been in a sexless relationship for 3yrs which could be seen as a very short time compared to others on here. Belive me the side effects are still the same. I am seriously considering out sourcing. I have for a long while as I carnt take it anymore . It actually feels like sufferation.

Very interesting. Thank you.