This Is Where I Get In Trouble

On Tuesday I was taken by ambulance to the hospital with no pulse and extremely low blood pressure. My wife has been phenomenal during the whole process. Well, I am now looking at her like a wife. My wife is beautiful and in shape and I have those feelings again. I had pretty much detached myself from her over the last couple of years. So if this is the typical MO it will go like this: I will make an advance and play around, she will act coolly and uninterested. I will not take this "no" for an answer and keep trying to achieve the closeness I crave. After being rejected three or four times, I will figure it out, get pissed and detach with resentment again.
soupman2 soupman2 56-60, M 7 Responses Apr 3, 2011

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And then there is the old joke

A man is diagnosed with a serious illness. The doctor doesn't tell him because the stress of it could kill him but takes the wife aside and tells her that her husband has a life threatening illness but the good news is that there is a proven course of treatment. Studies have shown that if she reduces all stress in his life (by doing everything he wants and treating him like a king) and increases his happiness - particularly in the area of sex - having it (or providing stimulus for him) no less than two times a day - that he will live a long otherwise healthy life.

When they leave the doctor's office and are in the car the man asks his wife,

What did the doctor want to say to you?

She turned and said,

You're going to die.


Sorry to hear about your recent health scare - hope you are doing okay now - and more importantly - hope that your continued good health doesn't rest in her hands. Personally, I think sometimes (like emergencies) they forget and what most of us would consider "normal" caring behavior kicks in. I think of it as - is it really that much more than they would do for a distant relative who found themselves in a health emergency at your house.

Maybe they keep us alive and healthy just to torture us some more?

Likely, you are right.

If you, and her, revert to behaving as you usually have, then the result will probably be a continuation of what has gone before.

Why would it not be so ?

After this significant event, you have a chance to do something different, to seek a different result.

Now what that something different might be is the question. I guess that depends upon if you see the marriage being able to meet your needs or not. The 'something different' you might choose to trial would be predicated on trying to move this toward 'reconciliation' (in a way you have never tried before) or moving it toward dissolvement.

But clearly, you DO need to start it moving - somewhere.

Tread your own path.

I think it is possible to use a crisis as an opportunity to regain closeness. Perhaps, it took a life threatening event for your spouse to realize how much you really mean to them.

Talk with her and tell her your feelings and see how she responds. Maybe a good time to initiate couples counseling/sex therapy and see where it goes.

If she doesn't respond or won't go to therapy, you will have your answer.

I recall the same kind of treatment and couldn't understand it. All I can say it that eventually I became angry enough to have an affair where my sexuality was validated and I became convinced that his behavior had nothing to do with me. I mean she married you, she doesn't want you in that way now, it's her issue, but it affects you. Living with resentment is hard to do, but hard not to feel. Whenever I suggested therapy or I just wanted to talk about it there was always denial or disinterest, which was also hurtful. It's just wasn't healthy. I understand your resentment, but what can you do with it? How can it help/hurt you?

-----" I had pretty much detached myself from her over the last couple of years"

What is the reason for the detachment?

Something is turning her off. You need to find out what that is. Or better yet, what turns her on?