My Experience

Most of the people posting here start out by saying that the sex with their spouse was wonderful at first, then fell off to the point where it is today. In our case, it was never very good and went down from there. When we married, my wife was a virgin, at least supposedly. I had been married before (my first wife died) and had been active between marriages, so I at least felt I knew what I was doing. It is impossible to have a normal relationship with someone who is non responsive. Her attitude seemed to be 'I'll do what you want, but I will not relax and enjoy the experience, I have never touched myself below the waist, I do not want to touch you'. As a result, there was no happy, exciting, joyous sex. I stayed, because we did do things together and share things and I did love her. I kept thinking things would get better in our relationship. We did manage to have two children; this didn’t improve our sex life, since she got pregnant both times immediately. After the second child, she seems to have reached the decision that we didn’t need to waste time with sex anymore, so that began the march to where we are today. I have heard every excuse, every reason not to have sex in the book. “Not in the morning, not when I have just awakened, must be under the covers, only missionary position; the others are disgusting”. Oral sex is totally out of the question. On those rare occasions she has not been able to come up with an excuse fast enough, it has been much like necrophilia, except she is warm. She seems to live in a fantasy world, where everything is the way she thinks it should be and any deviation makes her angry. When the kids were small, I would pick them up after school or daycare and come home. When she came home later, if things were piled on the kitchen table, she would loose her temper and everything would be wrong – there would be a screaming fit. We never knew who would walk in the door- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. To this day, we are apprehensive when she comes home. She also has no qualms about creating a scene in public. I can name several restaurants where she has become angry about something I have done, or the kids spilled something, or their behavior has not been what she expected and she has loudly yelled at them or me. On thanksgiving, we typically go out to a buffet to eat. Last year, my daughter, who was home from college, said we needed to invite a guest, so mom would behave. She never does these things when others are with us. In her professional life, she is apparently highly competent, very understanding; a great leader. At home, the mask comes off. My wife is principal of a high school. Working herself up to that level has been the consuming activity of our marriage. I work in broadcasting, but my work has never consumed me to the extent hers has consumed her. She wakes up at 5:00 AM and leaves by 6:00, in order to be at school when the first busses arrive. The school day ends at 2:30, but she stays until 5:30 or so. The male principal she succeeded was not at school nearly that much, nor was the man who was principal for my children’s high school. They should have been, according to her. We haven’t made love in about five years now, we sleep in different bed rooms; I don’t have to get up at 5:00 and with no reason to be with her, why should I? We communicate mostly by notes, text message and email. When I do see her in our old bedroom, she walks around naked, totally oblivious to any feelings it might cause in me. I try my best to only look at her face, not her body, so I won’t be bothered very much. A few years ago, I filed for divorce. She begged, she pleaded, she agreed to marriage counseling. I had wanted counseling for years, thinking that an outside opinion might resolve our many issues. She never would agree, saying that counselors don't know what they are doing; it was too expensive (our annual income is in the area of $170K, but we couldn't afford it). The counseling lasted for five sessions; we had one date. After that she was just too busy with work to do any more. All this accomplished was taking the wind out of my sails for divorce and slapping another coat of plaster on the rotten foundations of our marriage. The main reason I stopped was the reaction of our children. I love them unreservedly. The reason I am still with her is that my son, our youngest, made me promise I would stay until he graduates from high school. We don’t do anything together anymore. When I have asked her to see a movie with me, she was too busy. She has found a friend with whom she does everything now. This is a woman she works with. This woman has become a fixture at our house; she eats dinner with us every night or we go to her house. On the weekend, the first thing she does is contact her buddy to plan their weekend. I see her when she comes home at night, if I’m still awake. I do not believe they have any kind of sexual relationship; the other woman needs someone in her life and my wife needs someone to boss around. I resist or ignore her demands. I know this really runs on, once I started, it was hard to stop.
theaterlover theaterlover
61-65, M
23 Responses Apr 7, 2011

My friend, you are not the problem, at least from what you tell us. It's hard to formulate a fair opinion from hearing one side of an issue, but one thing many therapists have said is that '...sticking around for the kids, is not the way to keep a marriage working.' Have you ever taken the step of seperating, and living somewhere else for a while? In my humble opinion I think that moving out might be a good thing; it will give you both room and time to think. Kudos to you for not snapping on her or cheating (or getting caught, whatever the case may be).

Thanks, man.. We are in fact divorced.. eventually the pain became too great.. My kids are taking it differently.. the one in college is ok, the youngest is not and is going to see a Councillor Monday evening..

I would consider outsourcing your needs. But as others have brought up on this board, beforing your start outsourcing your needs, find out what the divorce laws are like in your state. Mine is Oregon, a no fault divorce state, so if I begin an affair, it won't affect any divorce proceedings.

You should seek out find someone to take you off the net and into the BDSM community, by yourself, leave that ***** at home please. I have a similar circumstance but not a ***** like yours. Sorry counseling didn't work for you, it worked well for us, its just that she quit taking her harmones this year and there went her passion with them.

I don't know if this is the case but if there was a divorce would your son still be able to attend the same high school or would splitting households change that. If that is the case I can understand your son's request to wait. The last two years at high school are very big in people's lives - preparing for that jumping off to college or their own jobs and lives. To start at a new high school for the last two years means you may be looking for friends in a world where folks have known each other and been friends sometimes for years. However, if it doesn't mean a change in schools you do have the right to ask why it is so important to him. Perhaps he doesn't want to have to deal with the emotional up turn that it would mean with his mother. Regardless though, you promised so without a talk and agreement with him I wouldn't change things.<br />
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As for this other woman, if your wife doesn't through her fits in her presence I can understand why you don't mind having her around.<br />
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But overall, make your plan and have the paperwork ready the day after graduation.

My parents divorced about 7 years ago when I was only 11 or something, Everyone asked me how I felt about it, And they were suprised...<br />
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I liked it, my mother was calm relaxed, got a new partner.And my father was rolling in money, started making sarcastic jokes, I visited him in the weekends. until my mother's anger waves were too much to bare. I went living with my father and that seemed to be a great workaround of those nonsense anger waves I tried to ignore. Until she found a second partner that somehow fixed it all.<br />
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Divorce is pictured as a bad thing, but in my case, it was necessary to bring a nice family harmony back in the household. I do not blame them for it, nor do I not neglect them as my mother, or as my father.<br />
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I hope this helps...

Thank you for sharing this. It seems as if there are only negative responses to divorce all around. It helps to see that kids do turn out as normal people even if their parents are divorced.

Sounds like she's bisexual. I mean, having a friend over for dinner once in a while is nice, but having a woman practically living in your home just doesn't seem right. I don't know of too many spouses would put up with that...actually, I don't know of anyone who would.<br />
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As far as staying because your son has asked you to until he's finished high school, well, that is, of course, your decision and I respect that. However, a child *should* be able to feel loved by both parents regardless of whether they are separated or divorced. <br />
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This is not a good marriage. You tried your best and she could care less; she doesn't want to improve things. I sure hope you don't put up with this dysfunctional marriage any longer than you have to. It seems like your wife has intimacy issues and her behavior towards you is cruel, unfair and selfish. I wish you luck and strength until (if) you tell her enough is're not a door mat.

May be it is her job - I was a teacher and felt myself totally(but totally) drained after a day's work.Was in the insurance underwriting profession before that,and teaching make that sounds like child's play (npi) I can see there are other issues too but she is perhaps too conscientious<br />
(where that lady that checks out everybody's spelling?) and over ambitious , and I don't know how you bring those people down to earth.But,of course,teaching is a good profession and she will feel that she does her bit for human kind.Teachers often have strong personalities (to cope you must have) and often only listen to themselves because the kids at school do<br />
so ("and -therefore-why can't you?)<br />
Sorry I can't offer better advice than that.Only Jesus Christ in our hearts can really bring about real change.<br />
God Bless - and good luck

Hold your commitment to your son. <br />
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Even if she has never honored her marriage vows, your integrity is formative for him. His birth was the first commitment that you made and you are holding fast to him and his mental health. He is worth it.<br />
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I have a similar situation, but without the third party at the dinner table. My career started in broadcasting. The anger and continual negativity is present with us as well. Strange parallels.

I think your son needs to be reassured that if/when you do make the break from his Mother, that he will be ok. He obv knows how manipulative and full of rage she is and could well be scared that the **** will hit the fan big time which WOULD impact on his studies. If you plan now or at least soon, to have a place to live where he can relax and study in peace, and maybe help him to write a letter to his mum about why he wants to live with you (if he does- I'm assuming, here), I'm sure he'll be better prepared for what's to come. And YOU can finally start to live your life the way you deserve to. Your story is so sad. I see aspects of myself in your wife, I am so glad I have finally began to realise that I'm in a co-dependent relationship and won't end up like her. Good Luck XX

I would turn your thinking around to getting out right NOW. Your son is old enough to stand on his own two feet over this, you are not leaving his life, you should not be staying for his sake. Who knows how much time you have left on this earth ? Why wait ? Dump her miserable ***, that would be my advice.

Yes, ir does suck realizing that you are somwhere around #18 on your spouse's list of priorities. Hang in there. Better days are around the corner.

theaterlover, I can appreciate hanging in there for the kids although I agree with the others that you are probably close enough and things are bad enough that it wouldn't make much difference making your exit now. Your wife is clearly manipulative. I say make your plans and when the time is right, get out of the house, file for divorce the same day, don't look back.

I feel your pain. Do you think you can handle 2 more years of it?? I don't know how many more years I can handle myself. And I have young children. If you already filed for divorce once, I am sure you have some type of exit plan. Know that others here share similar situations. I have found this web site to be very therapeutic. There are very knowledgeable, helpful people here. Good luck to you!

Is it really your son who keeps you in this marriage? Your marriage sound similar to mine in that there is nothing left between us but raising our children and finances. I keep hearing that it would be better for the kids if I leave the marriage so that they are not exposed to the unloving and distant relationship between my husband and me. But, a divorce would mean downsizing and forcing the kids to travel between houses and spend less time with my husband and still dealing with him. Sometimes I feel my options are equally as bad so inertia takes over and I wait for the right time. Other times I feel I don't leave because even though I know I should, I'm just too afraid to make the change.

Here are some things you should ask your wife:<br />
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1. Why she didn't want a divorce when she clearly has no interest in you or your marriage?<br />
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2. Why she has time for and treats her friend better than she treats you?<br />
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3. Why she thinks her career achievements will make up for her being a horrible wife and mother?<br />
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Tell her any excuses she comes up with will not excuse her treating you like a piece of furniture.<br />
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Also tell her, on a regular basis, how miserable you are. It may not change anything, but it will be something she does not want to hear but needs to hear.

Several of my family members taught high school. That is a really ungrateful and unpleasant job and many people who work in that environment are short tempered and angry. Looks like your wife takes those aspects of her job on you. Do you think such environment is healthy for your kids? Should your kids learn to tolerate such behavior?<br />
I agree with previous posters, you should start divorce proceeding now for the sake of your kids. Plus your kids are not bling and can understand more than you think.<br />
Good luck!

Just file for divorce now. Tell your son that you are going crazy. If your son puts up a resistence and does not respect your decision tell him to **** off. I mean it. He should respect his father and shut his mouth. You know as well as we know that your son has not one bit of capacity to appreciate your suffering. <br />
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I was once your son. I stopped my parents from splitting up. Fifteen years later and after enduring nearly a decade of a manipulative dishonest spouse of my own, did I begin to understand one fraction of what my parents were enduring. Now, I am ashamed for raising a fuss when they wanted to split. <br />
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By the way, the reason why your wife does not want to have sex with you is because she does not love you and she never did. That also explains why she flies off the handle all of the time. She married you out of convenience....... but you knew that. It is just too painful to admit the truth. <br />
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I am so sorry for you. My brief experience in a sexless marriage accentuated my insanity beyond any level that I could possibly imagine. I can not imagine what it would have been like to endure it as long as you have. You deserve to be free. Go see a divorce lawyer now.

Work out every last detail of this exit plan as thoroughly as possible.<br />
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Execute it as soon as possible.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Maybe a narcissist or another cat B disorder. Anxiety driven with fury as a symptom. Just play with google a while.<br />
You have been trained by a woman with a personality disorder.<br />
Im not really sire what to say to be honest, just good luck...

Your wife has found another partner and no longer needs you - do you need her?

Clearly, she is not attracted to you. I won't venture an opinion on her love for you. <br />
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I don't know how extensively you've read at this point, however you should probably make your plans now, for your 2013 exit. I know there there are several websites that can help you ..Secret Divorce dot com, I think is the one a lot of people here refer to. <br />
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You deserve better and you should seek it out. You've already given it your best shot with counseling. She hasn't responded unless given an ultimatum. And as soon as the dust had settled, she returned to her previous unacceptable behavior. And it is unacceptable. I'm sorry. <br />
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good luck and I hope you stick around. Read some. Get all the information and support you can from here. It is a sanity saver.

My son graduates in 2013 - freedom day for both of us. The first time I started divorce proceedings I also wondered about the lesbian issue and hired a private investigator - he found nothing. I am forced to call it zero libido.

I'm so sorry. How long til your son graduates?