My ExperienceMost of the people posting here start out by saying that the sex with their spouse was wonderful at first, then fell off to the point where it is today. In our case, it was never very good and went down from there. When we married, my wife was a virgin, at least supposedly. I had been married before (my first wife died) and had been active between marriages, so I at least felt I knew what I was doing. It is impossible to have a normal relationship with someone who is non responsive. Her attitude seemed to be 'I'll do what you want, but I will not relax and enjoy the experience, I have never touched myself below the waist, I do not want to touch you'. As a result, there was no happy, exciting, joyous sex. I stayed, because we did do things together and share things and I did love her. I kept thinking things would get better in our relationship. We did manage to have two children; this didn’t improve our sex life, since she got pregnant both times immediately. After the second child, she seems to have reached the decision that we didn’t need to waste time with sex anymore, so that began the march to where we are today. I have heard every excuse, every reason not to have sex in the book. “Not in the morning, not when I have just awakened, must be under the covers, only missionary position; the others are disgusting”. Oral sex is totally out of the question. On those rare occasions she has not been able to come up with an excuse fast enough, it has been much like necrophilia, except she is warm. She seems to live in a fantasy world, where everything is the way she thinks it should be and any deviation makes her angry. When the kids were small, I would pick them up after school or daycare and come home. When she came home later, if things were piled on the kitchen table, she would loose her temper and everything would be wrong – there would be a screaming fit. We never knew who would walk in the door- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. To this day, we are apprehensive when she comes home. She also has no qualms about creating a scene in public. I can name several restaurants where she has become angry about something I have done, or the kids spilled something, or their behavior has not been what she expected and she has loudly yelled at them or me. On thanksgiving, we typically go out to a buffet to eat. Last year, my daughter, who was home from college, said we needed to invite a guest, so mom would behave. She never does these things when others are with us. In her professional life, she is apparently highly competent, very understanding; a great leader. At home, the mask comes off. My wife is principal of a high school. Working herself up to that level has been the consuming activity of our marriage. I work in broadcasting, but my work has never consumed me to the extent hers has consumed her. She wakes up at 5:00 AM and leaves by 6:00, in order to be at school when the first busses arrive. The school day ends at 2:30, but she stays until 5:30 or so. The male principal she succeeded was not at school nearly that much, nor was the man who was principal for my children’s high school. They should have been, according to her. We haven’t made love in about five years now, we sleep in different bed rooms; I don’t have to get up at 5:00 and with no reason to be with her, why should I? We communicate mostly by notes, text message and email. When I do see her in our old bedroom, she walks around naked, totally oblivious to any feelings it might cause in me. I try my best to only look at her face, not her body, so I won’t be bothered very much. A few years ago, I filed for divorce. She begged, she pleaded, she agreed to marriage counseling. I had wanted counseling for years, thinking that an outside opinion might resolve our many issues. She never would agree, saying that counselors don't know what they are doing; it was too expensive (our annual income is in the area of $170K, but we couldn't afford it). The counseling lasted for five sessions; we had one date. After that she was just too busy with work to do any more. All this accomplished was taking the wind out of my sails for divorce and slapping another coat of plaster on the rotten foundations of our marriage. The main reason I stopped was the reaction of our children. I love them unreservedly. The reason I am still with her is that my son, our youngest, made me promise I would stay until he graduates from high school. We don’t do anything together anymore. When I have asked her to see a movie with me, she was too busy. She has found a friend with whom she does everything now. This is a woman she works with. This woman has become a fixture at our house; she eats dinner with us every night or we go to her house. On the weekend, the first thing she does is contact her buddy to plan their weekend. I see her when she comes home at night, if I’m still awake. I do not believe they have any kind of sexual relationship; the other woman needs someone in her life and my wife needs someone to boss around. I resist or ignore her demands. I know this really runs on, once I started, it was hard to stop.
theaterlover 61-65, M 26 Responses 3 Apr 7, 2011