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I Live In a Somewhat Sexless Marriage.

Quantity...A LOT! Quality,...not so much. I love mu hubby very much, but I have had some really nasty things done to me in the past. Not only has it led to my inability to completely enjoy sexual experiences, but it has made me have trust issues with people (especially when it comes to my relationships with men).


I can't offer any advice to you, as this is a devastating issue. I just wanted to let you know that sexual abuse really is a hard thing to get over (and even then, you never really get over it). Your wife really needs love and human touch...spend a lot of time with cuddling and hugs, and don't expect anything in return. Believe me, it helps.

missunderstood missunderstood 21-25, F 39 Responses Oct 28, 2006

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I can relate to the sexual abuse as a child. It effects every person individually. some may shut down their sexuality, while others libido may rate high off the richter scale.<br />
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Each individual has to make the conscious decision to move on - to want the intimacy and human contact from someone they Trust Love and Value.<br />
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Going from the extreme: not letting anyone touch me, to the other: having a highly sexual relationship with my husband, was a long journey. not everyone can make that journey, or even part way through because of the the emotional and psychological damage that the predators have done to us.<br />
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To the spouses of the victims. You also have a choice to make: You can stick around and be patient and want your loved one to get over thier trauma. You can gently prod them in the right direction.<br />
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Or, you can cut your losses, and your broken heart and leave. Sometimes, if the victim chooses not to get over their trauma, its not going to get any better.<br />
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oh and like someone else here said, lots of cuddling, kissing and just plain old hand holding helps alot, but on the victim's terms. force the issue too much and you become just like the predator in thier eyes.<br />
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I hope this gives you insight.

Everyone will not react to one thing the same way. Your answer is with in you. Just never give up on effort. The day you stop fighting is the day you lost. Your still in the fight, dont let your past hold you back from a beautiful future.

I am curious about this as well. I was raped as a child, but that has not affected my libido in the least. I have a strong sex drive. My 1st husband had a strong sex drive(we divorced for other reasons), but my husband now seemed to have a strong sex drive prior to marriage, but it has slowly gone over the years.<br />
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It is interesting to see that there are quite a few of us who had been abused as children, but still have strong sex drives.

I was sexually abused also and have a strong sex drive.

I was abused as a teen. Abuse does not concrete your lack of desire. Being a manipulative woman does thought. I have a very strong sex drive. My husband does not! I think that's why I married him, he's not sexually threatening. I just wish he would just throw me down and have at it!

I could have written this!

I too was sexually abused, and my sex drive is fine. I think society imposes the stigma that an abused child can not sexually function, as opposed to there counter parts that have not been. I have never forgotten the horrible things done to me, and i probably never will.

Marriedwoman: <br />
Your contribution to the discussion is very interesting, and very important. Prior to your post, the assumption was that sexual abuse during childhood automatically meant a dysfunctional libido. I'm glad to hear it ain't necessarily so.

I am curious by this. I was abused as a child, yet I have a very strong sex drive. I find that I have a hard time staying in a relationship. Now that I am married, I find it difficult to think of this as a long-term plan, but live more day by day, which I am sure is a result of my abuse, but it has not had an affect on my sex drive or ability to enjoy sex.

I am a counselor and have met many couples with these type of issues. It is important to say that everyone is different. i had a woman who was desperate to change, but kept bringing up old abuse by her 1st husband and now what she calls abuse by her second. It is not abuse but she interprets it that way. She had many therapists and they all failed. She was very open with me, and told me all of her feelings, everything. After several sessions I suggested that she was letting her 1st husband win. She was letting the abuse continue. I yelled at her to fight him, to not let him ruin this marriage. She started to yell with me and we called him terrible names. Then I told her that her current husband had not abused her, it was the thoughts put in her head by the first ******. She admitted that she wanted *******, and to be able to love her husband. I suggested we meet together and i convinced them that he needed to learn massage, because massage can be very relaxing and can be a real turn on if done right. There are books out there on this kind of massage. then I told him in private to not try sex the first few times, build up to it. They called back and 3 weeks later everything is getting better. After sex one night she called to her ex and told him what great sex she is having and their problems with sex was all his fault, teh she said, excuse me, time for round 2.

I will!<br />
I'd love to screw you....any day!<br />
As a man myself, the thought of you as a man spreading your legs open in front of me makes me want to screw you even more.<br />
Oh Wallbyedward, if that is the name you go by. you are so driven by your **** that my **** wants to get into you. <br />
A man's tongue certainly knows how to seduce man in between his legs, don't you think!<br />
But of course, since you are so driven by sex in your mind, twenty four seven, forget your childhood sex abuse problems, forget about your wife's problems and forget about the innocent littles that you fantasize having sex with whilst in church, worry about me. I'm the man you're looking for, let me screw you nice and hard in between your legs! And who knows, you'll even have a little lovely babe coming out of them!<br />
The truth of the matter is for you, wallabyedward, is that man has not only evolved to have sex with women, but also with men and you are the one I am very tempered to screw!<br />
Open wide baby!

Patience and Love will help, hang in there...