Frustrations of a Sexless Marriage

When we were dating, we had incredible sex twice a week. I assumed when we got married and moved in together that this would increase - or at least not decrease!

Immediately after marriage, it dropped to twice a month. Then after the birth of our first child, sex dropped to once every 2 months where it's been for the past 10 years. I kept waiting for it to improve, but now realize nothing will happen unless I start forcing some changes.

I love my wife, and she is a wonderful person in most other ways. Everyone we know and all my friends think she is incredible. Little do they know there if no life in the bedroom. Sure we have other minor issues, as every married couple must deal with, but the majority of my dissatisfaction has to do with no sex or passion. I've mentioned this to my wife a few times over the past several years. She always says "she will work on it", but nothing ever changes.

I run a business and had to work long hours to keep it from failing. The business is looking good now, but still demanding a lot of my time. I know she wishes I was wasn't working so much, but is that any reason to turn a cold shoulder in bed? Our sex life had already declined before my work schedule increased. I work out regularly and keep myself in  good shape - sometimes working out is the only thing that keeps me sane.

We have 2 wonderful daughtes and I like most everything else about my wife, but I'm at my wits end because the passion has died and I get rejected every time I try to initiate a spark.

I ordered the book "The Sex Starved Marriage" from Amazon. I will read it and show to my wife when it arrives. I'm hoping she will realize how important sex is to my life and in our marriage. If that doesn't help, then I'll probably start looking for affair(s) as I feel I'm still too young to be celibate! 

I see symptoms of our situation mentioned in The Sex Starved Marriage. She tends to go to bed way before or way after me so she won't have to deal with my advances. Her mother occasionally (once a year or so) offers to watch the kids for a few days so we can get off to a romantic getaway, but my wife always finds an excuse why we can't go - I think she's afraid of being alone with me and "having" to make love. Needless to say, this is killing my self esteem.

LonelyBoy LonelyBoy
46-50, M
3 Responses Feb 17, 2008

You need to come to some kind of agreement with her about what constitutes a real, meaningful, relationship. She will most likely respond saying that it is unfair you are singling out this one thing, when there are all these other things that are "wrong" as well. You will surely be the recipient of a nice list of grievances. Hopefully, some of the techniques in the book you mentioned will help you get past any defensiveness or deflection, and focus on healing and building. <br />
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Still, if you can't agree on solid milestones to measure your success or failure by, then there has been no honest commitment to change anything. <br />
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If your wife does not think there is a problem, even after you've dropped an ultimatum, then it's game over. Leave as soon as humanly possible. You aren't doing your children any good by showing them a broken marriage is normal, acceptable, behavior. <br />
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Just my advice.

i can't offer you much. if she is a christian you can point out 1st corinthians chapter 7 verse 2-5. marriage counciling might help along with a physical and hormone and thyroid checks. good luck

Welcome to the club.<br />
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You will read the same story as yours over and over here - with some differences. <br />
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Mine is about the same. Sex life was good, then after marriage began to decline, then after two children is down to less than 10 times per year. I work at the improving and she resists, making excuse after excuse. I have gone as far as telling her if our sexlife didn't improve i would ask for a divorce - that didn't work either. WTF?