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The Ultimate Rejection


One of the most devastating facets of a sexless marriage is the lack of intimacy and this is demonstrated every time that a spouse refuses to share their body with their spouse. This is an ultimate show of their lack of sexual love and concern for their spouses wellbeing. There just isn't any way that someone can be in love with someone and not share their body with them. This is the most intimate of experiences that two people can have and refusers react to it like vampires do to sunlight. I cannot imagine trying to tell someone that I am in love with them and refusing to share my body with them. It just doesn't make sense, but then these people further compound the insult by showing such a lack of concern for our feelings that we aren't even treated as well as most people would treat a close friend.

But there are two people involved in a sexless marriage and we the party of the second part don't seem to be able to get it through our heads that there's never going to be any concern for us or emotional gratification in these marriages. We wander along like lost souls hoping for redemption that never comes. Some wake up and eventually leave to find better situations but far too many just keep drifting along until esentially they have squandered most of their life on these sexually retarded people. I guess there are many reasons that it happens some of them might be:

1. Inertia, some people have a real fear of change and will avoid anything that causes change in their life even if the present situation is painfull. They would rather accept the pain than face the idea of doing something different.

2. Some people become invested in the material things that they have accumulated along the way, and they would rather endure the emotional pain than give up all the stuff that they have packed into their overstuffed packrats nests.

3. Co-dependence some people simply don't know any other way to behave and are trapped in this mode of behavior, some finally find their way out but many never do,

4. Some people simply wait too long and their own physical health deteriorates to the point where it becomes impractical for them to consider trying to start a new life.

5. Some claim that they are staying for the sake of their children which can often cause more harm than good because the children can't be fooled and they pick up on the tension between mom and dad and they often imitate the dysfunction of their parents marriage later in life when they try to build their own relationships.

6. Probably the biggest thing of all is just plain fear of the unknown after many years people become accustomed to their situation and in many cases they simply cannot find the courage to change.

There are probably a whole bunch more reasons that people will give but in reality they are all pretty similar in the end. But consider this there are a lot of different ways to keep a partner sexually satisfied and a refuser won't participate in any of them. They will not willingly share their body with you and find no joy in that experience. They hand you the ultimate in rejections time after time and many still want you to believe that they love you. Well maybe their idea of love is something like they would feel for a pet, oh wait that can't be right they would probably pet the cat once in a while.

So for whatever twisted reasons they have found it convenient to have you around, probably for your talents as a menial servant. It keeps them from having to do all those chores by themselves, gives them status as a married person in the community, lets them pretend to their family that they are normal, and probably some other stuff that they have invented as reasons to keep you captive. But the saddest thing about the whole stupid mess is that so many of us have the keys to the cell door but we are still sitting here waiting for a pardon that will never come, all we have to do is push the door open and walk away.  
Warriorpoett Warriorpoett 56-60, M 29 Responses May 1, 2011

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Another side to the coin? What about when he disconnects & emotionally abandoned me yet still expected sex?
I gave it for years hoping it would prompt the closeness we had lost, craving his love & it never came. I get groped daily, I do his laundry, meals, cleaning, care for our children & work & shoulder almost all of the responsibility for our family. He pays.
I have virtually no control & am considering leaving, I'm saving. The toll on my mental health has been extreme, the effect on my children will I hope be minimised by honesty & love.
only thing I am allowed some control of is my body, I'm taking it when I can.

And I have to admit that after having been molested repeatedly as a child and raped and pursued relentlessly by every man on earth (and feeling like a "*****" and a "****" because I "attracted them" even though I did absolutely NOTHING to attract them, but have a dancers body), I can look back and see now why I married into a sexless marriage. It was the only place I ever felt safe, even though I felt rejected. Anything was better than what I had gone through before. God did not make us to be unhappy. God wants us to be happy and I don't know why it's so hard sometimes.

"The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails."
Dear God please show us The Way.

Every word in every sentence in every paragraph in this entire article could have been my story. I did find the key, finally, and walked on through. That was all it took. Now I live alone in a celibate life, but it's far better than being rejected day and night. Thank God for menopause as it makes it alright. Dear God please show me The Way.

Yes depriving someone of sex is ultimate rejection. Think what twisted psychological trauma happens when you see your spouse doing it in bed to himself but Would rather not approach you! So u just turn the other way and wait for this craziness to get over...

Amazing post. Crystal clear thoughts, thx for sharing.

*sigh* you must KNOW my hubby or be looking into my life :(

I just came to the realization of my menial servitude....but its not just my overall responsibility for everything household, it's also emotional servitude. He doesn't hug me to make me feel loved, but to make him feel better after a hard day, which is almost everyday because he is chronically depressed. And I get nothing in return, except financial security....sigh

Aweome post

I was kind of feeling exactly how you described this weekend...That I was really only wanted around for my portion of the mortgage and to do housework like laundry.

exactly. good times.

Ulae, you bring an amazing twist to this discussion.



Last year, I got acquainted with a professional here in this group who shares the same career. [ I use the term shares loosely because this guy is part of the international lecturing circuit, authors textbooks that students myself included still use, made unique discoveries decades ago, etc. etc. and he still practices in the field. Me? I am small fry. I just practice. I refer clients to people like him. ] We got acquainted only because we share religion and a passion for music. This guy no longer posts regularly but he too expressed the same distress that you express but he is in the final stages of divorce.



When I was younger, I dreamed of fame and fortune. However, after tasting ***** and experiencing loving sex, I no longer give a **** about the material things. That is just me. Each to his own. There are no balances.



If divorce will upset the rest of your life, I can appreciate that. Rejecting an unloving marriage can be scary. It could leave you ending up like Princess Diana but Priscilla Presley rejected the ultimate fame and fortune without any guarantees either. Stay strong.

Distraction is a legitimate solution ulae. Like all solutions, this one has a shelf life, and a time will come when it no longer works, so you try the next solution, and so on.



At some time (assuming you last long enough) you deal with the true problem. Until then, you try solutions to band-aid over the problem. It is a legitimate coping mechanism. It has a use by date, that's all.



Tread your own path.

cake, I am not about to pretend SM is a nonissue or that professional success lets me forget all my misery! Just stating that my current coping method is to refocus on work and hobbies. I fully agree this may not work indefinitely, external events may shake me up, etc. Even now some weeks and months are fine, others hurt. And I am really worried about scarring the dear kid. We all know we are in difficult situations. I have joined this forum for company, venting and deriving some assurance that I am not abnormally selfish, demanding, or screwed up in some other way. That's been working well so far.

Wow, great stories and comments! Very enlightening.

Ulae said: "I am fortunate to already have, with due modesty, quite remarkable success in my profession."



Me too, I built 4 thriving/successful engineering companies that employ 60+ people, and have several lucrative patents/inventions … but so what? … they don’t love me or keep me warm at night.

Sad

Sorry you must have wandered in out of the fog you don't even grasp what the problem is that we are dealing with and your little book belongs with the bacon scented candles and edible underpants and all that sort of stuff. It has no value for a long term sexless marriage. The bridge where the Trolls live is somewhere over that way perhaps you would be more comfortable with them.

Don't 'settle' - you deserve to have a great life. You sound so defeated. Look, you just need the right ideas. Read this book "How To Introduce Your Lover To Swinging" by Michael Andrews. You can get it on Amazon Kindle or at www.swingwithyourwife.com. Yes I know the title sounds out there, but it's got some sizzling ideas to put the sex back into any relationship. It worked for me! Even if you don't want to be swingers it will give you some powerful strategies to transform you sex life.

Good luck and all the best to you

k9 and wp: I am not claiming I am happy, or why would I be here? But I am convinced I am not a bad guy or a career freak. I tried very very hard from around 1990 through 2004 to make the relationship work, and damaged myself considerably. My path out of that SM mindf*ck was/is not to seek better relationships elsewhere, but to focus on my creative side and produce some more work that stands the test of time. I am fortunate to already have, with due modesty, quite remarkable success in my profession. Returns on my profession and numerous hobbies (painting, carpentry, music) are predictable: if I put in more love and effort, I get more and better results. That's a dramatic difference from my marriage. I imagine after two decades of hell I can therefore be excused for finding what's left of myself in my work and hobbies than chase the elusive perfect relationship with (other) imperfect people. As I keep saying, we are not all created equal. Peace to you!

Ya it sux and they are such an evile person just to their partner and everyone else can see it to and just shake their heads at me for staying with the abuse she gives out. Its just nasty and no apreciation for what I do for her at all . But yet when she decides its time to **** there is no foreplay or anything just get it up and do her now and id better make her *** and now then she's done and bored with it and finish myself off. Why stay ??????

After 28 years I think trying is an oxymoron. There is no try and your situation is not quite what most of us are dealing with. When you have a partner that could give a damn whether you are alive or not let alone who would never even consider having sex with you that's a different matter than having someone that you don't enjoy having sex with. If your emotions and heart aren't in it then you should get a divorce because you are obviously not in love and wasting each others time. Comparing apples and oranges doesn't make much sense, there are some mighty tough people here that are more than a little crazy after putting up with years of this crap. Sorry but I can't sympathize much because you don't enjoy having sex with your partner. That would likely make you a candidate to become a refuser. Around here we carry garlic and crucifixes to ward those off.

"I think its admirable that there are people out there that would rather be miserable while trying then quit and run away. "

EEK !!!!!!

I agree it's pretty sad because fame means nothing in the end. Life is here to be lived now. But then again I suppose some people aren't human enough to be capable of relationships and it's best that they not inflict themselves on others.

ulae said: "I'd much rather die as famous as I am now or more, than die in someone's loving arms."



This statement makes me weep because it reflects the attitude of one who has completely given up on life. It is the attitude of one who is already effectively dead and perhaps has yet to realize it. So very, very sad.

"odds are incredibly in your favor that you will find love" --- Not for me. Even compensating for any mindf*c* in the SM, I am definitely not a lovable person. My own parents admitted being intimidated by my brilliance and exactitude throughout my childhood (think Sheldon Cooper) --- I was the one pulling them up for their lack of discipline, not the other way around. I have no time or energy to build up a new romance, so I am absolutely certain the grass will not be greener for me on the other side, and meanwhile I will have wasted tons of vital energy in the separation that are much better put into the next dozen research papers and patents. My SM will die with me; but I can already see my work living on. Very cold logic there. A variant of #2, you might say. I'd much rather die as famous as I am now or more, than die in someone's loving arms. I took my honest unskimping best shot at one marriage, it failed, I am done. Back to work!

Wow, does this story hit home.

"I don't know once instance of a friend or family member that left and did not find someone else - odds are incredibly in your favor that you will find love. your odds are certainly worse that conditions will improve with your spouse."

Amen to that, conflicted123. And let us not forget the definition of true insanity - performing the same actions over and over again and expecting different results.

This is beautifully written. I've stayed for a combination of these reasons, along with others not mentioned. The biggest reason I guess is fear of the unknown. For some, there is comfort in familiarity.

A synopsis of why many of us stay in our marriages and a good one. It is a painful place to be living no matter what the reason why. Courage, we must all have courage. Heart attacks, meltdowns, visits to therapists, temporary insanity, inappropriate behavior. crunching numbers to see if you can make it out in the world after the end of the marriage, devastating emotional swings, attacks of loneliness, secret visits to lawyers, talks with friends about what to do and how to do it. It all plays out with some of us finding a way out and others to see if they can have their best life in less than perfect marriages. No decision is an easy one. That is why we are here, for support, because we need it and all of us would like the nightmare to end.

I resemble so much in this story so much it's scary.

I realised early on in my marriage that it was not right but I stayed because I didn't want to be seen as giving up too soon and I had hope that things would get better. By the time I realised the marriage was never going to work, I had children. My husband has only recently accepted that this marriage is over and we have agreed to live together as co-parents for another three years until our youngest starts high school. This is what works best for us and I can't wait till I don't have to live with him anymore. I'm happy knowing that there is an exit date. As you say Warriorpoett there are many reasons why people stay in their prison cell when they could easily just walk out. I hope that those who are still prisoners find the strength to walk out or at least work towards a parole date.