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Feeling Guilty, But That's Part Of It.

My wife and I had a huge discussion last night; I wrote her a letter and gave her references to help her recognize that I thought she was asexual.....she isn't denying that that could be the case, but she had never heard of it and needs some time to let it soak in.  The biggest part of our discussion though was when she asked; "what if this is something that can't be fixed, what if my sexual issues are permanent, are you going to leave me?"  I knew this question was coming so I mustered up all the courage I could find and said "I don't know - I can't answer that right now - but I do know that if we both don't work at this together and we just give in to the nothingness, then yes, I probably will leave eventually."  Well needless to say that didn't sit well with her.  It was a tough night after that and I spent some time explaining my feelings and she talked about hers, she was devestated that I didn't give her the unequivical "no, honey, I could never leave."  She told me that she didn't know I was so miserable; and that she has always been really happy...lol..imagine that! At one point I told her that I haven't felt loved for years and she said she was shocked about that then she said, "I tell you I love you....I chuckled inside...oh, well you have been telling me, that makes it all fine. :).  Now this morning I woke up feeling guilty about rocking the boat just because I am not happy.  She is happy, our kids are happy, we have a good life, everyone is getting what they want but I feel like there is a huge, huge part of my life that is missing...Intimacy!! 

She has no idea what I am talking about, she hasn't ever craved intimacy, she thinks things are fine.  Last night was one of the steps on my list, the next thing will be conseling, I know that won't magically fix things, but maybe it will help me get my point across that something serious is missing from my life.  I guess I need to stand strong, I usually sell out my happiness at this point, sometimes I'd rather quietly die inside than hurt anyone else...This time it will be different....I still feel guilty but it's time to be me!
TTBM TTBM 31-35, M 12 Responses May 19, 2011

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I don't know ulae...a trapeze in the bedroom might be kind of fun!

Go for it mvcmvc, Yu andtimetobeme keep moving on....

ulae: -----" but by the time I have to negotiate about anything this hard, I don't want it any more."<br />
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You got that right. I had some version of the talk maybe 6 times (newly married and over the course of the first 4 years of marriage). My husband had 32 years of marriage under his belt when he married me - me, virtually none (with the exception of a 2 year one in my mid 20's and NOT sexless).<br />
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So I figure if he doesn't know how to "do marriage intimacy" properly by now, it ain't NEVER goona happen.<br />
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I stopped wasting energy on this intractable, unresolveable issue.<br />
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Year four in the marriage I ceased talking about it. And won't address the issue, ever, ever again.<br />
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Now I live life as I see fit. I JUST DO IT.

ok you told her, now she should show you she loves you in an intimate way. If she cannot or will not then you have your answer. There is nothing guilty about wanting a marriage instead of a roommate!!

is she asexual? Who knows. Odds are against it & like another said she would have known LONG ago. Which would beg the question did she know & hide it prior to marriage? Tough one indeed. From some of her resposes it sounds more like the run of the mill refuser. Probably more a case of low to no libido. They NEVER get why the other is so unhappy. <br />
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They are happy with this & to them this feels the norm. So there must be something wrong with the sex people...lol In a way I guess I can understand their thinking in this regard. "This is how I have always felt so this must be the way all us normal people are". Hey who wants to admit they aren't part of the norm? Anyway at least the two of you have it out i the open. Hold firm. You may be one of the rare cases here that turns it around.<br />
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Best of Luck<br />
NSH :-)

Yeah, "The Talk (tm)" is apparently a federal requirement for people in SMs, but by the time I have to negotiate about anything this hard, I don't want it any more. I am spoiled, I want sex to be like dessert, not a boardroom meeting with bean counting and quid pro quos, or a trapeze act.

I have to say that your wife is lucky. I would give anything for my husband to put this much thought and effort into our marriage. The fact that you took the time to actually write down how you were feeling is amazing. That is something I used to do, but I always knew that it was a total waiste of time.<br />
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We have more problems than simply sexual. My husband is on Zoloft and if he isn't taking it he rages out of control screaming, watching even the ex<x>pressions on my face and reading something into it. The fact that he keeps it together at work and doesn't do this to anyone but me has always made me feel so unloved, despite what he says.<br />
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Financially, like so many other people today we are strapped. Believe me, if we ever get to a more solvent place I am gone, meds or no meds.<br />
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Life is seriously too short to live less than your fullest life.

If you post on a forum about childhood cancer you will get a statistically disproportionate number of responses from bereaved parents.. If you post on a forum about racing cars, you will get a disproportionate number of responses from rev heads. If you post on a forum about embracing a whole foods life style you will get a disproportionate number of responses from organic afficianados. . . . <br />
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Stands to reason there might be a disproportionate number of asexuals represented on a Sexless Marriage board IMO.. . . . .

Being people pleasers is one reason we end up at this place. You have finally asserted yourself. Your happiness is just as important as that of everyone else in your family. You are not any less valued than them. <br />
Don't let things remain at this point. You will need to do some follow up. Else, things will subside back to what they were.

If you do any counselling, tell the counsellor: " The least she can do for me is make love to me.... if she really loves me that is. "

Well, you are better off than you were last night.<br />
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You've got it out there under the spotlight, so it is now on the agenda, and you have passed the obligation of choice back to her.<br />
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Now, she either picks that up and runs with it, or she doesn't.<br />
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Meantime, getting your exit plan together would probably be the smart play for you. Her action(s) if any, will then shift the obligation of choice back to you.<br />
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You've got this moving. It is important that you keep the momentum going. If you now drop it, you'll be sending her a very clear message that "it ain't that serious".<br />
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Tread your own path.

On the other hand i decided to die quitly inside than hurt his feeling ......i dont know for how long.