Feeling Guilty, But That's Part Of It.My wife and I had a huge discussion last night; I wrote her a letter and gave her references to help her recognize that I thought she was asexual.....she isn't denying that that could be the case, but she had never heard of it and needs some time to let it soak in. The biggest part of our discussion though was when she asked; "what if this is something that can't be fixed, what if my sexual issues are permanent, are you going to leave me?" I knew this question was coming so I mustered up all the courage I could find and said "I don't know - I can't answer that right now - but I do know that if we both don't work at this together and we just give in to the nothingness, then yes, I probably will leave eventually." Well needless to say that didn't sit well with her. It was a tough night after that and I spent some time explaining my feelings and she talked about hers, she was devestated that I didn't give her the unequivical "no, honey, I could never leave." She told me that she didn't know I was so miserable; and that she has always been really happy...lol..imagine that! At one point I told her that I haven't felt loved for years and she said she was shocked about that then she said, "I tell you I love you....I chuckled inside...oh, well you have been telling me, that makes it all fine. :). Now this morning I woke up feeling guilty about rocking the boat just because I am not happy. She is happy, our kids are happy, we have a good life, everyone is getting what they want but I feel like there is a huge, huge part of my life that is missing...Intimacy!!
She has no idea what I am talking about, she hasn't ever craved intimacy, she thinks things are fine. Last night was one of the steps on my list, the next thing will be conseling, I know that won't magically fix things, but maybe it will help me get my point across that something serious is missing from my life. I guess I need to stand strong, I usually sell out my happiness at this point, sometimes I'd rather quietly die inside than hurt anyone else...This time it will be different....I still feel guilty but it's time to be me!
TTBM 31-35, M 12 Responses 0 May 19, 2011