Some Advise Please :-)

Harry8068, please don't make the mistake of viewing your husband as wrong. This is not about who's right, or who's wrong anymore. This is not about retaliating, this is about you learning to communicate on all levels. Do it for yourself, be better then that. You will take who you are into your next relationship if and when you decide to leave him. Practice now how you would want to be in the future. You have a choice to determine how you want to communicate with your husband now.



Both of you need counseling, do it now, the longer you wait the harder it gets. I will admit, it's not an easy road you're on, find help.



Compromising is one thing, compromising yourself is another. Please read my blog on Communicating in Relationships and see if that helps a little.



Good luck, Tony

Why are you sleeping on the floor in the living room? Take over the bedroom,and send the spouse to sleep on the floor, or at least take the mattress and leave the spouse to sleep on the box springs, or vice-versa. But don't punish yourself needlessly. Sleep is very necessary to get through this.



The conversation you report is not a conversation. He is relentlessly pursuing his topic, you are holding your own trying to deflect him into a more useful interchange. He shows no indication that you have said anything.



And this, "The counselor says...." makes the counselor sound like mommy and he is the bad child doing what the parent is making him do. If he were truly following up on advice, he would leave the counselor out of it and man up to whatever conversation he thinks he needs to have.

Harry, again, I cannot believe how young you are to be put into this situation. You have every right to be angry and bitter at the dolt you married. Accept your feeling and learn from them. You have them for a reason.

Harry, I felt as you did quite often - but I failed to realise I was heading for a "mental breakdown". When it came, I was hospitalised for severe depression with suicide ideation. I sincerely hope you are NOT heading down this same path, but I urge you to seek counselling yourself, if you are not already doing this. If you have another night like the one you describe (or at any time) then go to your nearest hospital and ask to be admitted. It may sound drastic - but it mat save your life . . . .

There's no point being nasty to each other. If you want to leave, you need to plan your financial future. Work that out, be formal and polite but do not offer a crutch, and, when the time is right for you, leave. Becoming independent is the biggest strategic and emotional step you should take starting now.

What do you want? Do you want to stay or do you want to leave?



If you want to leave, you need to either start working so that you can save money and figure a way to support yourself or go to school which will lead to the same result. What about counseling for yourself? Your husband is the one that stopped intimacy, but you stayed for 11 years, so you probably have some issues to work out- this isn't a critique. I'm in counseling and it's helping tremendously.



If you want to stay, you will need to talk to him eventually. You could try attending a counseling session with him or get your own counselor.

I don't know if I'm late with this one, but I very deliberately adopted a couple of strategies to improve things. I did these both because it improves the chances of success, but also provides a positive impetus for you yourself whatever happens.



So, first up, I adopted an attitude of polite helpfulness & presumption that she was not being ornery - not in any way seeking to increase the negative spirals that beset the SM situation.



If I got something back I didn't like, I kicked back immediately, relevant and proportionately, BUT did not keep grudges or sulk. It was immediate negative feedback then back to the positive stance. IOW, to train people how you want to be treated.



Of course, your partner doesn't have to play, but at least your extending them a positive invitation whatever happens, if they choose not to take it, that's their loss. And this isn't at all a pushover stance.

Hi everyone

I've been checking my laptop every hour for replies - lol...as I'm expecting him home soon. Thank you for all the messages...I feel like I'm whispering all this!



You guys are right...I'm not going to make this easy for him - this is what I have been doing all along - I'm so freaking accomodating...he has to realise there are consequences for his actions...I find it very hard to maintain my emotional equilibrium around him though...so I'm going to have to practice. I'll run with the supportive but very minimal verbal exchange.



Thank you all so much for your support...I appreciate it very much.



Regards

H

Harry,



I see on a comment you left elsewhere that you are both severely in the hole financially. You quote the amount in pounds so I am figuring you are in the UK. So I am additionally deducing that economically things are looking pretty grim nationally.



There are two ways of looking at this then.

1 - that you will wait, like the rabbit in the headlights for 'things to turn around'

2 - that you might as well jump now, as things could hardly be worse anyway



A strategy of waiting for "things" (like economys or recalcitrant husbands) to "turn around" is actually not a strategy at all. It is choosing to be a victim.



You can't do anything about the national economy. You can do something about whether you stay in a dysfunctional (and fiscally junked) marriage.



Not that such a choice is 'easy'. It is likely the hardest thing you will ever do.



Tread your own path.

Put no more of your precious energy into him or this marriage.



He can sort through the rubble of his life with the therapist. That is what they get paid to do and you aren't qualified to help him on this anyway.



I recommend you focus solely on yourself and taking whatever steps are necessary to improve your financial situation.



STOP talking to him (but when you do remain calm, dignified, unemotional and distant) unless absolutely necessary and START taking concrete steps to be in charge of your life.



And when you are in doubt, ask yourself this: did this man help or or hurt me? Did he add or subtract value to my overall life?



-----" The shrink said its going to take alot of hard work"



Yeah, welcome to adulthood.

Take your time and don't punish yourself over the lost years. Just look forward. I wouldn't waste my time on him, although it sounds like he is making an effort.

You are in a very fragile state. I can relate. Over the last few months I didn't care if failed to wake up in the morning, but things have slowly gotten better.

Take your time, and make a plan for yourself. I understand about not having the money to get out on your own, my wife has just ruined my finances. So, you are going to have to focus on yourself, money is a necessity, so, I'm guessing that you are going to have to start over financially.



Let me make this clear. You are very young! Many people have started over at much older ages and bounced back well. I stayed when I went sexless at 29, I am now in my 40's, don't let that happen to you.



Have some faith in yourself. You will be fine.

" Just GET OUT! "

There is nothing more to tell him.



Stay strong. Breathe slowly.