Call Me Leper

So, I go to some community events the last couple of weeks with some old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. The groups were composed of married couples and their kids that I have known for years. Some of the guys I was very close to. Well, I got the cold shoulder from everyone. Including the guys I used to be great friends with.
I guess my wife has told everyone about my emotional affair and now I am a shunned man. It has been very difficult to be around everyone knowing that I am not welcome.
These same people for years made it a point to tell me that my wife didn't treat me well. I can't help but feel a bit down from all of this. I haven't made any effort to tell everyone my side of what happened. There is no point, I think that their minds are made up.
I don't really know what happened myself. I told my wife that this woman, who was her friend, had been coming onto me for years. She didn't care. In fact, she would get mad at me and tell me her friend was just joking. She just wouldn't listen to me.
Meanwhile, my wife and I rarely spoke, and when I did attempt to talk to her she would answer in short angry replies. I was so lonely. Her friend wouldn't stop trying to seduce me. Again, I was so lonely.
We kissed, I fought hard to prevent more from happening. It all could have been so much worse.
But, now, I am a leper amongst my community. It has made me sad, but it has made me plan for the future a bit more. I went out of my way for these people and helped them when they needed it. Then, they turn their back on me.
I really don't know what my wife has said to everyone. I'm sure she has made herself out to be a complete victim.
Oh, well. At least the dog still likes me.
deleted deleted
26-30
33 Responses May 29, 2011

Listen to Meerin.....I was there, I stayed for the kids...20 freaking yrs with no sex, because I believed in marriage. She said it would change, the kids were stressing her out. now the dog, and her job, the new store, the weather. I have come to face the fact...it is not ever going to happen.<br />
I ask myself..Did I pass the test of a good husband? Or did I fail it. Maybe what she wanted all along was for me to step out, so she could take me to the cleaners. Then she is queen, I screwed around on her, the poor Mom at home with the kids! It is a psycological game, probably not even in her concience mind..Make a decision, and do it! Don't look back.<br />
Kids will understand in time.

MMF, you really have to tell them to **** off. I know you feel guilt over the EA, but damn I would love for you to stand up and tell them all to go **** themselves because your wife has not ****** you in so long that even Jesus would have begged for a blow job.

"It's just that the kids refused to let me go."<br />
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This statement has been bothering me. It sounds like you are taking back some of the power from your wife - and handing it over to your kids. Your kids do NOT have the right to "refuse" to let you go, and I think you know that. <br />
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It's great that they want you around so much! But you are handing over way too much power to them. From what you said about your childhood, it sounds like you have always taken a back seat to someone else. You need to learn to stand on your own! Get into counseling, pronto! You need to learn new skills.<br />
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I know it's hard, but I'm trying to do it at the ripe old age of 50 and I'm actually learning. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks! :)

Personally I don't think people should judge or take sides, I know it sounds idealistic, but who knows what goes on in another's household. Don't take it personally, it maybe (giving them the benefit of the doubt) that they don't quite know what to say, knowing your wife of old and not quite believing her story but not having heard your side of the story. Be strong - you know what is going on and your wife is just hoping to manipulate things.

One of the cruelest aspects of marital difficulties is when one party decides to offload to mutual friends and acquaintances, thus destroying their partner's social life. These issues should only be disclosed to counsellors, or anonymous friends like the ones on this site. People who lack consideration in who they disclose to about their partner's affair are guilty of similar and worse actions themselves, yet they are so blind they just don't get it. I am so sorry this happened. Your friends here are right. It is time for you to create a new social network for yourself, and preferably not including anyone who knows your wife.

Is it a big deal that you disappointed them, MMF? I would say that they've all disappointed you too.

MR, hehehe!!!

Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors except for the two behind the doors. <br />
If these so-called friends are going to pass jugement on you then they 1) are not true friends, and 2) are quite shallow to make a decision ba<x>sed only on your wife's version. And what kind of a spouse tells everyone about such a personal matter?

Leper.

It's called "projection", MMF. When my ex-wife (BPD) accused me of hiding money, it was because she had an individual checking account where she was hiding money. She told me that it would be fine with her if I went outside the marriage for sex... because she was wanting to have sex with someone else. When I pointed out that she was exhibiting borderline traits and it was harmful for the kids to see these behaviors, she vehemently denied it, then threw dishes at me, threw me out of the house, then told all our neighbors that _I_ was crazy. They take whatever is going on in their head and perceive YOU as doing it TO THEM.<br />
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You can bet your sweet *** that when she accuses you of anything, it is because she is considering doing it herself... or has already done it. At least you have a way to see what she's planning for you in the months to come. It is predictable and methodical.<br />
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Go to narcissismfree dot com and read the article about the Swan and the Scorpion. Most importantly, note that the swan has a vital role in this projection, too. Why does the swan even allow the scorpion on her back in the first place? Because she innocently projects swan-like qualities onto the scorpion. Is your wife the only one guilty of projection? Or are you doing it also when you assume that she is "hanging in there" for the same reasons you are?

MMF we have more in common that I thought.<br />
We used to live in a little house in the city. Great sex (with each other) , lots of friends, block parties, etc. We came upon some money, decided to build our dream home. We built the biggest house we could afford. Upscale, equestrian lots. Beautiful views.<br />
It is a small cliqish community.<br />
Dream home...we have never had sex since moving here. I want out so bad. Our dream home is a big giant nightmare. I spend all my time cleaning. She says I am lazy. Maybe, or maybe sick and tired of this hell hole. I want to sell, she says no way. She loves it here.<br />
So now, she loves the house. Not me. The house I built. I am an outsider in my own home.<br />
I hope you have better luck than me.

First, DO NOT trust that mean woman who is now being nice! She's trying to get close to you to get more "dirt" to spread around the group.<br />
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Second, what are your children learning from your marriage? That it's okay for a woman to treat her husband like ****, that the man should hand over his balls to his wife and take the abuse, that a husband's first duty is to make as much money as his wife thinks they need, that it's a woman's right to demand everything and contribute nothing - shall I go on? Is that really what you want your children to learn? They will model their marriages after the marriage they grow up with - is that the kind of marriage you want for your children?<br />
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I stayed in my first marriage with an absent and cheating husband for far too long because I thought divorce would be too traumatic for the kids. I finally realized that I was teaching my children that cheating is okay and that a wife should just take the neglect, work her fingers to the bone doing everything, and keep her mouth shut.<br />
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My kids are grown up now and they consistently have healthy, mutually respectful relationships.<br />
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Third, those who said that those male "friends" are shunning you upon orders from their wives are right. And they really aren't your friends or they would have talked to you before making up their minds about who was at fault! Also, they are probably angry with you for caving in to your wife. They are all probably waiting for just ONE of you husbands to have the guts to stand up for yourself as they hope to gain enough courage from that to do the same, and they are too scared shitless to do it themselves.<br />
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So as I see it, your choices are:<br />
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1) maintain the status quo regardless of what it will do to your children;<br />
2) stand up for yourself, PUBLICLY, and refuse to take your wife's ill treatment any more. That is, when she says something rude to you tell her LOUDLY (not yelling, but not speaking softly so as not to be overhead) that it is rude and disrespectful to speak to anyone like that, much less her own husband, and that, in the future, such comments will cause the immediate end of the conversation as you will walk away. Perhaps even leave the house, or the party, or whatever, and go elsewhere. If that leaves her without a ride home, that's her problem; she's been warned.<br />
3) leave, file for divorce, and build a new, happy life where you have real friends and model healthy relationships to your children.<br />
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It's hard. I thought leaving my first husband was going to kill me, but that first night that I slept in my new apartment I felt calmer, freer and happier than I had in years! My only regret was not doing it sooner.<br />
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I would suggest finding ILIASM'ers who live in your area who you can meet with in person, at least once in awhile if you're far apart, so you can get real life support. Bringing someone home for beers and football that isn't a part of your wife's circle of friends would certainly shake her up! Also, you could meet ILIAMS'ers for practice sessions on new ways of communicating with your wife. After they've met her they'll be able to "play" her in a scenario where you stand up for yourself.<br />
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When you've let yourself be a doormat throughout a relationship it's hard to change your patterns. If you don't practice you're likely to stumble the first time, with the result being that your wife takes charge of the conversation and you end up worse than before for having caved again. You need to practice with someone who knows what you're going through and what you're trying to do.

Ok...First of all, it was late at night, and I thought you said you have sex with her. My mistake. Because if you had, then I'm sorry but I could understand why your couple friends would treat you like that. As for your wife, maybe she did care....but in a different way. Maybe she wanted you to think she didn't care, until you finally did kiss this woman. Then when you did kiss her, then that one act alone...made your wife a victim. How long ago did this happen? I ask because I'm hoping that she didn't do this either with the knowlege of the other woman or with just hoping that she could gain ammo agains you in a divorce. Maybe she has been giving you time to put yourself in futher comprimising situations??? I don't know, it honestly doesn't sound quite right to me.<br />
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And as far as sexless marriages, guess what men aren't the only one who have to endure for their children. My husband have had such and on and off sex life for the past 17 years, it's stupid. And guess what it's not me. I keep asking him why we've had sex once this past year...on the anniversery of our first date, but strangely NOT on our anniversery. I don't understand, we've always had great sex, even when it so long inbetween....his only answer, "I just don't know". It does make it hard that we sleep in separate rooms, I have had several surgeries on my back, leg, knee from a horse accident and have to have a really soft mattress or it hurts too much. He had restless leg syndrome, but while that's annoying I can't see it as a deal breaker to sleeping togther. But he won't even go try another mattress. When he lied about chewing, and I looked under his mattress to see if he had more cans, I found ****. So he uses ****, but won't have sex with me? And BTW, I'm the one who has encouraged to try **** in our marriage. I'm the one who goes to the "sex store" to buy the toys/videos/etc, because he is to embarrassed. I guess I don't care, it's for me and my husband...or was for me and my husband. So I do feel sorry for you never getting the closeness that sex gives, the moments alone, everything that marriage is supposed to be about. It makes me angry and sick.<br />
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But, do me a favor, no more kissing...especially a woman who is below you. Any woman that will take what isn't her's, will do the same to you in the future. If it's that bad, get a divorce and your children will see what love is supposed to look like. Don't bad talk their mom, try to stay friends with her if you can, and for those guys that you were friends with....take them aside and explain it was a one time thing, and it was kinda like "I keep telling her but she keeps telling me that she doesn't care, so I broke down and did something stupid to get her attention". You only need to tell one, men talk to eachother the same as women, and hopefully they will understand. But don't expect them to to be able to "look" supportive in front of their wives...because you did kiss another outside your marriage. After you move on, maybe they will be friends again, but if their wives are close with yours, then I would suggest to just move on and find some new friends when you find a new woman who loves you, body and soul.<br />
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Good luck.

An excuse for the refusing wife....A kiss is not an affair..Ok it may not have been appropriate.<br />
That said...She was looking for a reason to "hate" you. Otherwise it is her fault your miserable.<br />
Now it is your own fault. As stated before, I am sure most of the guys were warned to stay away or else. The old wives club strikes again. Good Luck..

Keep the dog, move out, get a good lawyer. Separate on a trial basis or just go ahead and get a divorce. Set some personal goals and concentrate on them. Dump your "friends". Don't get seriously involved with anybody for a long time. Eat pizza with the dog and watch the NBA finals next week, even if you have to do it in a motel. Your life with you wife is obviously, over. Good luck.

I know what you mean about life being difficult around your wife. However, it is probably difficult for her too. It took me a long time to realize that my wife hated being around me and that seemed to motivate a lot of her actions.

FWIW:<br />
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Having gone thru a divorce (and planning another) friends divide up the divorcing couple like a piece of meat. I lost so many 'good friends' to a husband who cheated on me because he's a sociopath and a great liar. Your wife sounds like the same - at least the sociopath part.<br />
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a) You can try counseling for your marriage - but it only works if BOTH of you want to do the work. Your wife stopped working years ago on your relationship.<br />
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b) Children are adversely affected by a dysfunctional marriage. Divorce is difficult for them, but better they have 2 happy and functioning separated parents than 2 parents in a tension-filled and destructive marriage. Think of the children, and do the right thing for them: show them parents divorce for many reasons, but can be happy apart and still be good parents.<br />
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c) Drop the 'friends'. The true friends will return to you.<br />
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d) Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that refusers are withholding not just sex, but intimacy - and that is the backbone of a marriage. She screwed up & continues to screw up. You screwed up and don't want to go there again. Sounds like you are the more adult and reasonable.<br />
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e) It DOES get better.

FWIW:<br />
<br />
Having gone thru a divorce (and planning another) friends divide up the divorcing couple like a piece of meat. I lost so many 'good friends' to a husband who cheated on me because he's a sociopath and a great liar. Your wife sounds like the same - at least the sociopath part.<br />
<br />
a) You can try counseling for your marriage - but it only works if BOTH of you want to do the work. Your wife stopped working years ago on your relationship.<br />
<br />
b) Children are adversely affected by a dysfunctional marriage. Divorce is difficult for them, but better they have 2 happy and functioning separated parents than 2 parents in a tension-filled and destructive marriage. Think of the children, and do the right thing for them: show them parents divorce for many reasons, but can be happy apart and still be good parents.<br />
<br />
c) Drop the 'friends'. The true friends will return to you.<br />
<br />
d) Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that refusers are withholding not just sex, but intimacy - and that is the backbone of a marriage. She screwed up & continues to screw up. You screwed up and don't want to go there again. Sounds like you are the more adult and reasonable.<br />
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e) It DOES get better.

You are not going to be able to have a long lasting relationship if you die young and it sounds like this sexlessness is going to kill you. <br />
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My point on this is, why not go for both?

MMF, <br />
You asked about the meanest woman who is now nice to you. Without knowing anything more -- I am probably just as clueless as you are in this department -- I recommend that you do not trust her. <br />
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There is a remote chance that there is something good in her that you may be missing but there is an infinite warped possibilities. She may have a disturbed curiosity to see you twist and suffer. Why would you take any chances with a refuser? <br />
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Keep in mind that the majority of the information this circle of friends has originates from cruel liars. Good honest people do not conduct themselves very differently when dealing with friends.

Hmm. Sounds like you and her have an even scorecard, LOL Well. First of all. You do know she has filled all those friends with crap that makes her look like a victim. In turn, they have made their spouses well aware of your evilness and have warned them that they better not bet too buddy buddy with you. Of course they fear you will convince them that cheating is the way to go. <--I know, it was just a kiss, but your wife I am sure has added to the story. If you look at the big picture nothing major has happened. This marriage can be saved, but it doesnt sound like your wife is willing to put in the effort(much like my wife). So you are in the same boat as me, what do you do? Hell if I know. I know this. I wouldnt hang around with that crowd of turteneck friends. I guess you must do what I am doing right now. I am trying to enjoy every moment I have with my kids because I know at any moment I may not be living with them any longer. Good luck my friend.

...oh and get a T-Shirt made saying `I had an emotional affair because my wife won't have sex with me' That should help your `friends' understand.

You are `Man Moving Forward' right ? Just how do you see yourself moving forward ? It seems like you care too much what everyone around you thinks. Your wife sounds like a nightmare which is getting worse at every turn. I really think you need to challenge this whole staying for the kids thing. It is obvious your relationship is over and you are just torturing yourself hoping for something that is never going to happen. Your wife stopped being affectionate, and you know it isn't coming back. As for her horrible refuser friends, they sound like they aren't worth a light between them.<br />
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I would seriously challenge staying for the kids. It is not like you're abandoning them, you will still be a part of their lives. They will even see a better you, because you will be away from the web of bullshit your wife has built up around you. I think you can easily afford to lose these `friends'.

First of all, your wife and my wife must be sisters. I feel for you. I still have to say this though. No matter how much I despise my wife and her lack of affection for me, I would never kiss another woman as long as I am married. That being said, I understand why she is pissed. What would you do if she kissed a male friend of yours? You would be furious. What is done is done, you must now decide as a couple what you are going to do next. The obvious answer is counseling. Unfortunately, you crossed the line of trust. This will haunt you the rest of this marriage. Good luck. I dont like what you did, but I do understand why you did it.

Keep your head up high. We are all human and make mistakes in life. An affair can be for many reasons and these so called friends are the lepers not you.

Note to MMF: you did not have an affair. You flirted with a woman heavily. You kissed her. These things DO NOT constitute an affair. Anyone who tells you it is, is just out to manipulate you. <br />
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Princess AintItAmazingWhatPassesForAnAffairTheseDays

Sorry to feel for you. If your life was so bad, it's called DIVORCE! You have no one to blame, but yourself and your own weaknessess. Maybe you should have tried therapy???? Maybe you should have called it quits BEFORE you f'd around...like most moral people do. You made the decision to upzipp the zipper, not your wife. You made the decision to have sex outside your marriage, your wife didn't. So no matter how big of a creep she may have been.........YOU ARE A BIGGER ONE. And believe me, I live in the shittest marriage, but there are still rules and bounderies that married people follow. So if you friends look at you different, it could be because they are still in love with their spouses or they still have enough respect for the man/woman who was their spouse for years, most likely the mother/father of that evil spouses's children. So guess what. You get to start all over with a woman who has enough class to lure her friends husband into a bed. I can't imagine what else she will have in store for you...lol. One day soon, you will probably look back when this new woman had her shoe jammed in your forehead and think that just maybe you should have put as much effort into saving your old marriage as you did in tearing it apart and just maybe the woman you left wasn't so bad after all.<br />
And if it sound's like I'm a mad woman, I am...not because of other woman, but because of a man who I have found that puts ALL of his wants and needs above mine, never considers that I even have feelings and always assumes that he's right. Which is worse? Doesn't matter. It still ripps families apart, when just maybe you could have tired a route with some respect and dignity.

18 months after completely leaving the state where my abusive wife lives, I have been elected to the Board of Directors of our spiritual group, lead another meditation group, and have numerous other leadership and extra-curricular roles. When you find new friends, you take all your best qualities with you. You can leave any negative stuff behind with the people who want to judge you for it.

You may feel like a little sack of **** right now but those guys are actually just secretly jealous of you because you have bigger balls than they do.

You have the advantage of knowing the whole story of yourself...the why, and the hurt, and the unfairness that brought this all about. ...your former friends are aware of only what your wife shared or someone else told them second or third hand.. Some may have embellished. the story concerning you,,,,.and so...You really have no true information about what they think you have or haven't done...and so my sugestion...is to move on...You need different people in your life.. You need people you can relate to...share with..rely on...and simply hang out with. <br />
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In addition, Your former friends are constrained right now..if they are too forgiving of your past or too friendly to you...then, they too risk being blackballed...They are not in a position to be fair to you...and so that is another reason you need to have other people in your life. <br />
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I am sorry you have been so hurt by all of this......and i sincerly wish you theenergy to cope and create a better life for yourself.

Actually MMF, I suspect that YOU are projecting your own feelings onto the guys in your group! You have made it clear here on ILIASM that the after effect of your affair is that YOU feel like an "immoral slimeball that threw his family under the bus."<br />
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Because you feel like this and believe this to be "true" (at some level) you think others view you in the same way.<br />
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Maybe some do. Or maybe some just think to themselves "Mate, let it go! It is over and done with. Don't make yourself miserable for the rest of your life about it." Maybe some think to themselves "MMF was a fun guy to be around. Since that affair he has been a miserable sod. I wish he'd go back to how he used to be."<br />
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And some of them are thinking: "I wonder if I'm going to get lucky tonight?" - and no thought about you has even crossed their minds!!!

You know what, MMF, none of these people are your friends. They are your acquaintances, people you know, but not your friends. Often, when marriages implode, you find your friends have evaporated. My BFF of 12 years stopped being my friend because I decided to leave my NXH (now ex-husband) instead of just cheat on him repeatedly. It's time you forgive yourself. Get some counseling so you can take this poor dead thing off life-support and call time of death so you can all move on. <br />
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Princess WhyDoYouWantToDragOutThePain

MMF, I hope you can see this as a sign that the people you were involved with have some issues themselves. . . !! I doubt that they are all "against" you but I am betting the guys don't dare treat you as a good mate, whilst their wives are around!! <br />
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Are these the same wives who turned your wife away from you? If so, they are obviously "men haters" and as such, NOT a nice group of people. I daresay their husbands are scared of them!!<br />
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I'm guessing that if you had an opportunity to have a "men only" get together with these same guys, you'd find their reactions quite different . . . .