Call Me Leper

So, I go to some community events the last couple of weeks with some old friends that I haven't seen in awhile. The groups were composed of married couples and their kids that I have known for years. Some of the guys I was very close to. Well, I got the cold shoulder from everyone. Including the guys I used to be great friends with.
I guess my wife has told everyone about my emotional affair and now I am a shunned man. It has been very difficult to be around everyone knowing that I am not welcome.
These same people for years made it a point to tell me that my wife didn't treat me well. I can't help but feel a bit down from all of this. I haven't made any effort to tell everyone my side of what happened. There is no point, I think that their minds are made up.
I don't really know what happened myself. I told my wife that this woman, who was her friend, had been coming onto me for years. She didn't care. In fact, she would get mad at me and tell me her friend was just joking. She just wouldn't listen to me.
Meanwhile, my wife and I rarely spoke, and when I did attempt to talk to her she would answer in short angry replies. I was so lonely. Her friend wouldn't stop trying to seduce me. Again, I was so lonely.
We kissed, I fought hard to prevent more from happening. It all could have been so much worse.
But, now, I am a leper amongst my community. It has made me sad, but it has made me plan for the future a bit more. I went out of my way for these people and helped them when they needed it. Then, they turn their back on me.
I really don't know what my wife has said to everyone. I'm sure she has made herself out to be a complete victim.
Oh, well. At least the dog still likes me.
ManMovingForward ManMovingForward 41-45, M 58 Responses May 29, 2011

Your Response


Yes, Beachbaby, they do act like they are in high school. Once she got comfortable in the marriage, my wife's maturity level took a nosedive. Well, maybe she felt pressure from all of the others to conform to how she thought she should be. I am becoming very resentful of all of this.

I really should have left the marriage years ago, I have no one to blame but myself.

Thanks for your support everyone. I did stop by to visit someone today to kind of talk. I got a cool reception there, also. I guess I am alone in this town. Looking back, I guess I was alone before. My friends were basically mutual friends with my wife. 90% of the people I grew up with were smart enough to ditch our hometown. I'm still here.

I really agree that she is manipulating things. I can't believe that she is turning everyone against me. Even when she had done questionable things in the past I didn't tell anyone.

Maybe it is just time for a change of scenery (relocation).

Listen to Meerin.....I was there, I stayed for the kids...20 freaking yrs with no sex, because I believed in marriage. She said it would change, the kids were stressing her out. now the dog, and her job, the new store, the weather. I have come to face the is not ever going to happen.

I ask myself..Did I pass the test of a good husband? Or did I fail it. Maybe what she wanted all along was for me to step out, so she could take me to the cleaners. Then she is queen, I screwed around on her, the poor Mom at home with the kids! It is a psycological game, probably not even in her concience mind..Make a decision, and do it! Don't look back.

Kids will understand in time.

MMF, you really have to tell them to **** off. I know you feel guilt over the EA, but damn I would love for you to stand up and tell them all to go **** themselves because your wife has not ****** you in so long that even Jesus would have begged for a blow job.

"It's just that the kids refused to let me go."

This statement has been bothering me. It sounds like you are taking back some of the power from your wife - and handing it over to your kids. Your kids do NOT have the right to "refuse" to let you go, and I think you know that.

It's great that they want you around so much! But you are handing over way too much power to them. From what you said about your childhood, it sounds like you have always taken a back seat to someone else. You need to learn to stand on your own! Get into counseling, pronto! You need to learn new skills.

I know it's hard, but I'm trying to do it at the ripe old age of 50 and I'm actually learning. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks! :)

Personally I don't think people should judge or take sides, I know it sounds idealistic, but who knows what goes on in another's household. Don't take it personally, it maybe (giving them the benefit of the doubt) that they don't quite know what to say, knowing your wife of old and not quite believing her story but not having heard your side of the story. Be strong - you know what is going on and your wife is just hoping to manipulate things.

One of the cruelest aspects of marital difficulties is when one party decides to offload to mutual friends and acquaintances, thus destroying their partner's social life. These issues should only be disclosed to counsellors, or anonymous friends like the ones on this site. People who lack consideration in who they disclose to about their partner's affair are guilty of similar and worse actions themselves, yet they are so blind they just don't get it. I am so sorry this happened. Your friends here are right. It is time for you to create a new social network for yourself, and preferably not including anyone who knows your wife.

MR, it doesn't bother me as much now. I think the initial shock is what got me. I didn't think they would blow me off like they did. Oh well, screw 'em.

Is it a big deal that you disappointed them, MMF? I would say that they've all disappointed you too.

They are all church goers. I won't judge them on that though. I think I really disappointed them.

MR, hehehe!!!

Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors except for the two behind the doors.

If these so-called friends are going to pass jugement on you then they 1) are not true friends, and 2) are quite shallow to make a decision based only on your wife's version. And what kind of a spouse tells everyone about such a personal matter?


It's called "projection", MMF. When my ex-wife (BPD) accused me of hiding money, it was because she had an individual checking account where she was hiding money. She told me that it would be fine with her if I went outside the marriage for sex... because she was wanting to have sex with someone else. When I pointed out that she was exhibiting borderline traits and it was harmful for the kids to see these behaviors, she vehemently denied it, then threw dishes at me, threw me out of the house, then told all our neighbors that _I_ was crazy. They take whatever is going on in their head and perceive YOU as doing it TO THEM.

You can bet your sweet *** that when she accuses you of anything, it is because she is considering doing it herself... or has already done it. At least you have a way to see what she's planning for you in the months to come. It is predictable and methodical.

Go to narcissismfree dot com and read the article about the Swan and the Scorpion. Most importantly, note that the swan has a vital role in this projection, too. Why does the swan even allow the scorpion on her back in the first place? Because she innocently projects swan-like qualities onto the scorpion. Is your wife the only one guilty of projection? Or are you doing it also when you assume that she is "hanging in there" for the same reasons you are?

Thanks for all of the support everyone. My biggest concern about my wife blowing all of this out of proportion is that I think perhaps she was running around on me. By making me out to be the bad guy she is off the hook. You see, she has two sets of friends. One set is prim and proper, the other kind of wild. Both sets are refusers. Both sets of friends would bash her behind her back. I tried to tell her as carefully as I could about these people. She refused to listen to me.

Also, I told many times about her friend that I kissed before I kissed her. I told her that she asked me if the right woman came along if I would leave her. I told her that she asked me how I could be attracted to my wife.

None of this mattered.

But anyway, I ended up meeting up with this woman a few times and kissed. She wanted to do much more, but I felt so damn guilty. I just couldn't shut the whole thing down completely. This woman treated me like I was the greatest guy on the planet.

I think my wife realized that she has gotten out of me all that she can. Now this is her key to get out of the marriage. It's just that the kids refused to let me go.

My wife is a user, plain and simple. It is a painful realization that I have learned to accept.

MMF we have more in common that I thought.

We used to live in a little house in the city. Great sex (with each other) , lots of friends, block parties, etc. We came upon some money, decided to build our dream home. We built the biggest house we could afford. Upscale, equestrian lots. Beautiful views.

It is a small cliqish community.

Dream home...we have never had sex since moving here. I want out so bad. Our dream home is a big giant nightmare. I spend all my time cleaning. She says I am lazy. Maybe, or maybe sick and tired of this hell hole. I want to sell, she says no way. She loves it here.

So now, she loves the house. Not me. The house I built. I am an outsider in my own home.

I hope you have better luck than me.

First, DO NOT trust that mean woman who is now being nice! She's trying to get close to you to get more "dirt" to spread around the group.

Second, what are your children learning from your marriage? That it's okay for a woman to treat her husband like ****, that the man should hand over his balls to his wife and take the abuse, that a husband's first duty is to make as much money as his wife thinks they need, that it's a woman's right to demand everything and contribute nothing - shall I go on? Is that really what you want your children to learn? They will model their marriages after the marriage they grow up with - is that the kind of marriage you want for your children?

I stayed in my first marriage with an absent and cheating husband for far too long because I thought divorce would be too traumatic for the kids. I finally realized that I was teaching my children that cheating is okay and that a wife should just take the neglect, work her fingers to the bone doing everything, and keep her mouth shut.

My kids are grown up now and they consistently have healthy, mutually respectful relationships.

Third, those who said that those male "friends" are shunning you upon orders from their wives are right. And they really aren't your friends or they would have talked to you before making up their minds about who was at fault! Also, they are probably angry with you for caving in to your wife. They are all probably waiting for just ONE of you husbands to have the guts to stand up for yourself as they hope to gain enough courage from that to do the same, and they are too scared shitless to do it themselves.

So as I see it, your choices are:

1) maintain the status quo regardless of what it will do to your children;

2) stand up for yourself, PUBLICLY, and refuse to take your wife's ill treatment any more. That is, when she says something rude to you tell her LOUDLY (not yelling, but not speaking softly so as not to be overhead) that it is rude and disrespectful to speak to anyone like that, much less her own husband, and that, in the future, such comments will cause the immediate end of the conversation as you will walk away. Perhaps even leave the house, or the party, or whatever, and go elsewhere. If that leaves her without a ride home, that's her problem; she's been warned.

3) leave, file for divorce, and build a new, happy life where you have real friends and model healthy relationships to your children.

It's hard. I thought leaving my first husband was going to kill me, but that first night that I slept in my new apartment I felt calmer, freer and happier than I had in years! My only regret was not doing it sooner.

I would suggest finding ILIASM'ers who live in your area who you can meet with in person, at least once in awhile if you're far apart, so you can get real life support. Bringing someone home for beers and football that isn't a part of your wife's circle of friends would certainly shake her up! Also, you could meet ILIAMS'ers for practice sessions on new ways of communicating with your wife. After they've met her they'll be able to "play" her in a scenario where you stand up for yourself.

When you've let yourself be a doormat throughout a relationship it's hard to change your patterns. If you don't practice you're likely to stumble the first time, with the result being that your wife takes charge of the conversation and you end up worse than before for having caved again. You need to practice with someone who knows what you're going through and what you're trying to do.

Ok...First of all, it was late at night, and I thought you said you have sex with her. My mistake. Because if you had, then I'm sorry but I could understand why your couple friends would treat you like that. As for your wife, maybe she did care....but in a different way. Maybe she wanted you to think she didn't care, until you finally did kiss this woman. Then when you did kiss her, then that one act alone...made your wife a victim. How long ago did this happen? I ask because I'm hoping that she didn't do this either with the knowlege of the other woman or with just hoping that she could gain ammo agains you in a divorce. Maybe she has been giving you time to put yourself in futher comprimising situations??? I don't know, it honestly doesn't sound quite right to me.

And as far as sexless marriages, guess what men aren't the only one who have to endure for their children. My husband have had such and on and off sex life for the past 17 years, it's stupid. And guess what it's not me. I keep asking him why we've had sex once this past year...on the anniversery of our first date, but strangely NOT on our anniversery. I don't understand, we've always had great sex, even when it so long inbetween....his only answer, "I just don't know". It does make it hard that we sleep in separate rooms, I have had several surgeries on my back, leg, knee from a horse accident and have to have a really soft mattress or it hurts too much. He had restless leg syndrome, but while that's annoying I can't see it as a deal breaker to sleeping togther. But he won't even go try another mattress. When he lied about chewing, and I looked under his mattress to see if he had more cans, I found ****. So he uses ****, but won't have sex with me? And BTW, I'm the one who has encouraged to try **** in our marriage. I'm the one who goes to the "sex store" to buy the toys/videos/etc, because he is to embarrassed. I guess I don't care, it's for me and my husband...or was for me and my husband. So I do feel sorry for you never getting the closeness that sex gives, the moments alone, everything that marriage is supposed to be about. It makes me angry and sick.

But, do me a favor, no more kissing...especially a woman who is below you. Any woman that will take what isn't her's, will do the same to you in the future. If it's that bad, get a divorce and your children will see what love is supposed to look like. Don't bad talk their mom, try to stay friends with her if you can, and for those guys that you were friends with....take them aside and explain it was a one time thing, and it was kinda like "I keep telling her but she keeps telling me that she doesn't care, so I broke down and did something stupid to get her attention". You only need to tell one, men talk to eachother the same as women, and hopefully they will understand. But don't expect them to to be able to "look" supportive in front of their wives...because you did kiss another outside your marriage. After you move on, maybe they will be friends again, but if their wives are close with yours, then I would suggest to just move on and find some new friends when you find a new woman who loves you, body and soul.

Good luck.

I want to add another comment. I guess it is okay for my wife and her other group of friends to say sexual stuff to other guys and think it is funny. Yet, I have a slip up, and the world wants to castrate me.

Let me give you guys advice. Follow your gut. I had a bad feeling about moving into this neighborhood, and I didn't know why. Now I know. It is full of mean and jealous people. I was much happier when we rented and had some extra cash and had some fun.

We have since built a house and added onto it. I still hear from my wife that the house is not big enough. It's funny, because I'm the one who keeps the maintenance up on it. I know how f-n big it is.

I have had enough of all these people who do everything for show.

An excuse for the refusing wife....A kiss is not an affair..Ok it may not have been appropriate.

That said...She was looking for a reason to "hate" you. Otherwise it is her fault your miserable.

Now it is your own fault. As stated before, I am sure most of the guys were warned to stay away or else. The old wives club strikes again. Good Luck..

Keep the dog, move out, get a good lawyer. Separate on a trial basis or just go ahead and get a divorce. Set some personal goals and concentrate on them. Dump your "friends". Don't get seriously involved with anybody for a long time. Eat pizza with the dog and watch the NBA finals next week, even if you have to do it in a motel. Your life with you wife is obviously, over. Good luck.

I know what you mean about life being difficult around your wife. However, it is probably difficult for her too. It took me a long time to realize that my wife hated being around me and that seemed to motivate a lot of her actions.


Having gone thru a divorce (and planning another) friends divide up the divorcing couple like a piece of meat. I lost so many 'good friends' to a husband who cheated on me because he's a sociopath and a great liar. Your wife sounds like the same - at least the sociopath part.

a) You can try counseling for your marriage - but it only works if BOTH of you want to do the work. Your wife stopped working years ago on your relationship.

b) Children are adversely affected by a dysfunctional marriage. Divorce is difficult for them, but better they have 2 happy and functioning separated parents than 2 parents in a tension-filled and destructive marriage. Think of the children, and do the right thing for them: show them parents divorce for many reasons, but can be happy apart and still be good parents.

c) Drop the 'friends'. The true friends will return to you.

d) Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that refusers are withholding not just sex, but intimacy - and that is the backbone of a marriage. She screwed up & continues to screw up. You screwed up and don't want to go there again. Sounds like you are the more adult and reasonable.

e) It DOES get better.


Having gone thru a divorce (and planning another) friends divide up the divorcing couple like a piece of meat. I lost so many 'good friends' to a husband who cheated on me because he's a sociopath and a great liar. Your wife sounds like the same - at least the sociopath part.

a) You can try counseling for your marriage - but it only works if BOTH of you want to do the work. Your wife stopped working years ago on your relationship.

b) Children are adversely affected by a dysfunctional marriage. Divorce is difficult for them, but better they have 2 happy and functioning separated parents than 2 parents in a tension-filled and destructive marriage. Think of the children, and do the right thing for them: show them parents divorce for many reasons, but can be happy apart and still be good parents.

c) Drop the 'friends'. The true friends will return to you.

d) Cut yourself some slack. The truth is that refusers are withholding not just sex, but intimacy - and that is the backbone of a marriage. She screwed up & continues to screw up. You screwed up and don't want to go there again. Sounds like you are the more adult and reasonable.

e) It DOES get better.

Your wife would not kiss you and you KISSED another woman--well maybe there was some mistletoe up---this is so laughable except that the overreaction by everyone is a nightmare. This should tell you where you are with all of them. The women are dominant, the men have no backbone and to have even an equal partnership or friendship with any of them seems impossible. Please go and find a life for yourself before they all drive you mad. Not even one of the guys came over to pat you on the back. I would have patted you on the back. Then given you one big kiss for luck in front of this stupid crowd.

I see your points Ron. It is very hard being around her.

You are not going to be able to have a long lasting relationship if you die young and it sounds like this sexlessness is going to kill you.

My point on this is, why not go for both?

Rob, I am enjoying my kids, and learning about myself. It may sound corny, but sometimes I am not sure what is genuinely me. Growing up, my parents really beat me into submission. Whatever I wanted or needed was inappropriate. They wanted me to want what they wanted, and be what they wanted me to be.

I am trying to relax more instead of working myself to death.

As for my wife, I have approached her for years trying to work on the marriage. She had no interest. She told me that money was what was most important.

So, it is funny. I just watched an interview with Randy Weaver's Daughter. The Randy Weaver of Ruby Ridge Infamy. He went through hell, and they spoke with him at the end of the show and asked him what was most important to him. He replied, spending time with my children and grandchildren. "What else is there?" He asked.

My point on this is, what is more important? Relationships or being able to buy everything in sight?


You asked about the meanest woman who is now nice to you. Without knowing anything more -- I am probably just as clueless as you are in this department -- I recommend that you do not trust her.

There is a remote chance that there is something good in her that you may be missing but there is an infinite warped possibilities. She may have a disturbed curiosity to see you twist and suffer. Why would you take any chances with a refuser?

Keep in mind that the majority of the information this circle of friends has originates from cruel liars. Good honest people do not conduct themselves very differently when dealing with friends.

Hmm. Sounds like you and her have an even scorecard, LOL Well. First of all. You do know she has filled all those friends with crap that makes her look like a victim. In turn, they have made their spouses well aware of your evilness and have warned them that they better not bet too buddy buddy with you. Of course they fear you will convince them that cheating is the way to go. <--I know, it was just a kiss, but your wife I am sure has added to the story. If you look at the big picture nothing major has happened. This marriage can be saved, but it doesnt sound like your wife is willing to put in the effort(much like my wife). So you are in the same boat as me, what do you do? Hell if I know. I know this. I wouldnt hang around with that crowd of turteneck friends. I guess you must do what I am doing right now. I am trying to enjoy every moment I have with my kids because I know at any moment I may not be living with them any longer. Good luck my friend.