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I Just Want To Know Why...

I am losing patience with my sexless marriage. I am so tired of living this way and I just want to know why. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. It seems like there is always a ridiculous excuse as to why he doesn't want to have sex with me. Over the past 4 years, I have basically begged him to have sex with me or at the very least tell me honestly why he doesn't want to.

Because of his lack of interest and being rejected so many times, I feel like crap about myself. The most honest reason that he has given me is that he just doesn't think about it. Which leads me to believe, that I am unable to 'inspire' sexy thoughts for him. I still have a little bit of baby weight from my pregnancy but I've been working really hard to lose it. I only weigh about 10 pounds more than when we met and he still has no interest. I've tried everything. I've tried being a better wife. I've tried being 'sexier'. I've tried telling how great he is in bed when we do have sex. I've asked him if he is gay or if he was sexually abused at some point. I've tried talking to him about what I need in this relationship. I've tried leaving him alone about it. I've even tried threatening him with having an affair. (I realize that was a low blow but I'm at rock bottom.) NOTHING WORKS, nothing gets through to him. I feel so lonely and so miserable.

As so many others have said, it isn't just about sex to me. I want to feel that connection with him. I need that closeness. I would be satisfied with a little make out session or even a really passionate kiss once in awile. My husband won't really kiss me or touch me AT ALL unless we're having sex (once in the last 3 months). It is like everything is off limits to him. No sex, no oral sex, no making out, no passionate kisses. I can't even remember that last time I saw him naked. Basically, all I get are pecks on the lips and hugs. I'm 29 years old and I can honestly say that I got more action my senior year of high school! I have slept in the guest for the last six months or so. It has been easier that way. When we slept in the same bed, I cried every night. I would get my quick 'good night' peck and he would roll over. 

I can't talk to my girlfriends about this anymore because they just can't relate. I get so angry every time one of them complains about her husband 'pestering' her sex again! I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave him but I don't want to live like this anymore either. Is this something that can be fixed? Or do I have to sacrifice my needs to make this relationship work?

mojita6 mojita6 26-30, F 15 Responses May 30, 2011

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AAaahhhh, the great debate. Can you fix him probably not. I have tried in my marriage for the past 4 or 5 years and nothing has changed. But I can tell you that everything you said has happened to me. It is so hurtful to get a peck on the cheek at night....every night....for years. <br />
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I do have to say I had the same anger with my friends who just had too much sex. Oh what a problem! It doesn make you feel as if you can't confide in anyone. But you can here. I dont know what to tell you - stay stong or leave. I am right there with you. But you do have lots of support. <br />
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Take care of you.

As somebody else said. Do take time to read the many post here. While it may not provide a lot of comfort it can provide a sense of relief. Relief to know that you are not alone. There are always comments from people who are well intentioned who say be more romantic, use bacon scented candles etc etc. With normal husbands/wives that is all well and good & can work.<br />
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Sadly though there are just those who have NO sex drive whatsoever. For them all the begging, prodding, pleas & tears in the world wont work. It just leaves the refused even more frustrated & confused. Many blame themselves. As to why? It is hard to know but it seems in most cases the husband/wife has ABSOLUTELY NO SEX DIVE AT ALL! There are rare occassions where the refuser will seek help but that is rare indeed. Most think that it is the reused with the problem. Why wouldn't they think that? To them having no sex drive would seem the norm. After all it is all they have EVER known.<br />
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Do take more time to read & educate yourself. Then at least you can make an informed decision as to what action to take. Be it stay & work or make an exit strategy that is a decision that only you can make. I do wish you the best in whatever the outcome.<br />
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Best Wishes<br />
NHS :-)

Mateenamc: no amount of romantic weekends are ever going to help, a refuser is a refuser, as simple as that. Anyway, who wants pity sex in a hotel ? It's costly and it's not going to happen often enough. I say stop trying to understand why her husband is like he is, and call him the loser. These people deserve to be alone. <br />
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To stop having sex and to refuse to discuss it is the pits, and these two things go hand in hand across male and females refusers the world over. Time to stop trying to understand something which does not need an explanation. His actions tell you all you need to know.

Thank you all so much! You have said the things that some part of me already knew. It means so much to know that I am not the only one in the world going through this. It can be a very lonely experience. We are at an impasse and my loneliness and sad is slowly but surely turning into anger and resentment. I am going to make an appointment with a counselor first thing in the morning. If he wants to come with me that would be great. If not, then it will be one more step to working on myself.

Since you are still having sex infrequently, I would be careful to always use birth-control. I think my husband continued to sex after our first child (althought infrequently) because he wanted a second child. I assume you just have one and it would be good to keep it that way until you resolve what you plan to do. Just remember he is not living up to his marriage vows to love and to cherish you and there may be nothing you can do either than to accept it or to leave because of it. Not an easy place to be, at any age.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what is likely to happen.<br />
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You will be sad, lonely, angry. These could lead to depression. You may eventually seek out affection elsewhere. You will finally withdraw your emotions and affection from your husband and you will be okay for a while. But you will become unable to push away that intense desire to share sexual intimacy with someone who finds you irresistable. You will eventually have zero sexual desire for your husband and you will finally want out. <br />
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You will turn into the refuser. That is what has happened to me.

Your questions<br />
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1 - "Is this something that can be fixed? <br />
That is a question HE has to produce the answer to, not you, not me, HIM. He is the ultimate one to chase this matter to a conclusion. It is his issue not yours.<br />
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2 - "Or do I have to sacrifice my needs to make this relationship work?"<br />
This is entirely your choice. It has been what you have been doing thus far, and it clearly has not been working in either making you happy - or 'making the relationship work'<br />
<br />
There is resolvement of the matter to be had. But it will require you to challenge your thinking, seek out YOUR truths, and make some very difficult choices on the basis of the truth. <br />
This course of action is NOT for everyone. It'll be one of the hardest things you ever do if you decide to have a go.<br />
<br />
Reckon you are up for it ?<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I 10000000000% agree with this statement of Pepry75 <br />
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Have you tried being intimate outsied of the house? Like at a hotel? Maybe the environment is to comfortable at home or maybe once he gets home he just doesn't feel up to it. Maybe just try a romantic weekend without the pressure on him to have sex though. Maybe you could just go to a nice place, plan some fun things and then just see where it goes. You would have to be prepared that even with the change of environment, it still may not happen. But it may still bring you one step closer to understanding one another. <br />
<br />
look if u want to find you can find even Allah or God , if u really want . <br />
Do Ask help from God and also apply that above formula

You will find after a while that the why becomes less important than the what can you do about it. There aren't a lot of options and for this to have happened so early on in your marriage is really bad. You can't fix him only he can and there's no indication that he has any motivation to do that so it's unlikely that it will ever happen. It doesn't make much difference why but for some reason we all seem to get hung up on that, you are better off investing your energy in yourself figuring out what you need and what you are going to DO about this situation. DOING is the important part far to many of us have lingered for many years hoping something would change that never did. The rate of turning around sexless marriages is virtually nil so the three options that are repeated over and over are Get a divorce, Have and affair, Or suck it up and live in misery for the rest of your life. The first choice is really the only one that makes any sense but it's no fun at all. But it's better than tying yourself to the mast of a sinking ship. So perhaps making a plan for your escape would be the appropriate thing to do, you are still young enough to start over and put this behind you and find a man that can make smoke come out your ears instead of tears from your eyes. Good luck.

Your husband does not love you. That is why. I am willing to bet $1000 that you knew that sorry truth already. <br />
<br />
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Nope, it is not fixable and no, there is no sacrifice that you can possibly make for this marriage to work. <br />
Sorry. We all know how you feel.

Hi,<br />
<br />
I too have been in a sexless marriage. However, the reasons in your situation may be different than in my case. We have dealt with adultery and terrible finances. Both of those situations have taken a great toll on our marriage. It has been YEARS since we have been intimate and I prefer it that way. But for you, it seems it may be a good idea for you to seek counseling with your husband. If your needs aren't being met, it may turn into resentment. Sex is a very important part of a healthy marriage. His holding out on it is unfair to you. It seems like you have told him your important feelings about it as well as putting yourself out on a limb, only to be rejected again. Intimacy is important to you and he needs to realize it. The longer you prolong dealing with it, the more distant you will grow, it seems. Being in the guest room is one step further away from you guys resolving the issue. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be in there for now, but the both of you get comfortable with the idea and then take it a step further. You are out of the bedroom to avoid being hurt and frustrated. He doesn't mind you moving out of the bedroom, because it makes avoiding intimacy easier for him. It sounds completely frustrating, and it seems like you need some outside help. I think that once you begin talking it out with someone, whether or not he goes to counseling with you, you will be able to determine when you've had enough and maybe come up with some ideas to make things better between you. I know it hurts right now, but if you both love each other and are committed to the marriage, it will be worth it to try and work it out. He will definitely have to communicate his reasons for not wanting to be intimate- there are usually reasons. There is some breakdown of communication. I think you will have to insist on talking through it, because right now, you all are at an impass. <br />
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I really wish you all the best in your struggle. I know you will be able to see clearly the things you want and the things that you are not willing to accept at some point. I hope he is willing to hear you and work on it.<br />
<br />
Have you tried being intimate outsied of the house? Like at a hotel? Maybe the environment is to comfortable at home or maybe once he gets home he just doesn't feel up to it. Maybe just try a romantic weekend without the pressure on him to have sex though. Maybe you could just go to a nice place, plan some fun things and then just see where it goes. You would have to be prepared that even with the change of environment, it still may not happen. But it may still bring you one step closer to understanding one another. <br />
<br />
Best wishes,

Peace Up on u , when i read your story so i get sad so much , i really cried . <br />
1 thing i want to tell you that there is some sadnes in ur husband heart . <br />
<br />
you must ask from his brothers or sister about his early life . 1 thing i want to tell u <br />
which u said "I don't want to leave him " .<br />
<br />
if for sometime if someone doesnot want to do "Sex" , it doesnot mean he is gay . I can really really understand your point of view wat r u trying to explain . <br />
<br />
But do find the root cause wat he is hiding in his heart..................................................<br />
<br />
I WILL PRAY that Your husband loves you million times more as you think and makes the husband and wife realtion

Dont feel like a freak as sadly you are one of many and I know the agony very well as I endured it for many years. The answer is no it cannot be "fixed" unless BOTH of you want it to be and no amount of unilateral effort from you will get you a sex life with a man who has decided to opt out. If it is any consolation I have a much healthier sex life in my 50s than I did at your age but not with the same man.

Dont feel like a freak as sadly you are one of many and I know the agony very well as I endured it for many years. The answer is no it cannot be "fixed" unless BOTH of you want it to be and no amount of unilateral effort from you will get you a sex life with a man who has decided to opt out. If it is any consolation I have a much healthier sex life in my 50s than I did at your age but not with the same man.

-----" Is this something that can be fixed?"<br />
<br />
I recommend you continue to read the stories here, in particular, from the women's perspective and see what they tell you. You will find your narrative repeated over and over again.<br />
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-----" Or do I have to sacrifice my needs to make this relationship work?"<br />
<br />
You are already doing that. And it is not working.<br />
<br />
-----"I Just Want To Know Why.."<br />
<br />
You have tried for four years to get to the WHY. No progress.<br />
<br />
Keep reading here.