Post

Sexless Marriage And The Options.....

Hi,
I am struggling lving in a lackluster, sexless marriage for almost three years

It wasn't like this at first, quite the opposite. We had a great sex life.  But when we moved to USA (I sponsored him for a green card), life was very hard for me. I worked for a terrible company with a tyrant for a boss.  It was stressful and my husband did not offer any moral support.  He was silent and dispassionate almost all the time. My husband at that time was looking for work.   Anyway, we were having major problems and fighting a lot.  Even seperated. 

I decided to get counseling to help me deal with my negative feelings (of abandonment, lonliness, sadness, anger).  It didn't take long for me to gain a more calm outlook and learn to take care of my self.  I am a lot more in control of my feelings.  My husband and I have improved our relationship.  But it is far, far from perfect.  We are now like roommates.  At most there is a hand holding and a little head stroking.

He has said to me, "I love you like a sister" and that "he does not have sexual feelings for me anymore."  He also said that he has never really been a sexual person.  In a way, I feel like he misrepresented himself when we first got married because he was very sexually active then.

It has caused me a lot of sadness.  I question my appearance.  I am actually a very good looking woman and have no problems catching other men's attention.

I ask him "what I am supposed to do?" and his reply is "wait. until his feelings come back."

Well...I want to tell you I think that is nonsense!  I have to wait for him to get his feelings back for me????  Till when????? a month, a year, more????

Don't get me wrong, I am not demanding sex.  I do not want him to give me sympathy sex.  That would be disgusting.  I want to be truly desired.

I decided it is not my fault that he can not function in a normal way.  I can not force him to desire me.  But I can take care of my own needs.   So I will be pursuing relationships outside the marriage to fulfill the void left by my husband.  I had qualms at first.  But not anymore.  Nor do I feel I should have to go for a divorce (and suffer financial hardship/loss of property).  When the time is right I may get a legal seperation.  But I am in no hurry. 

It is sad it has come to this.

I told my husband I was pondering my three options:
1) Stay around and wait for him to change his feelings
2) Get a lover to have a second life outside the marriage (yes, I told him this)
3) Leave (I also said, "you will probably realize you have feelings for me, only when I am gone or in the arms of another, and by then it will be too late)

What do you think?


 

RabbitJourney RabbitJourney 41-45 14 Responses Jun 6, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Don't bother with the affair. You already mentioned it in front of him and you don't need him lousing up your good time because he's pissed off. Just quietly make your plan and leave him holding his limp **** and not much else. That'll be even better than an ******, I promise.

We can debate all day as to why he does this. But in the end does it really matter? The fact is he is not fullfilling his obligation as a husband & life partner. That goes way beyond but includes intimacy. Given that, the question becomes can you live with this forever? You can answer these questions & from there decide what to do. <br />
<br />
As for dating keep a couple of things in mind. It all depends on what the divorce laws are ion your state but if discovered he CAN use this as grounds for divorce & in many states you will forever be seen as the lying cheating spouse. In addition in some states that could put you on the hook for spousal support as you will be at fault. You may not be working now but a judge could tell you to go get any job (McDonalds etc) & pay. <br />
<br />
All depends on your state but just some food for thought.<br />
NSH :-)

Why dont you make a clean break and start fresh....this guy seems more like an anchor around your neck. You already said, he treats you more like a sister than a spouse.

I think you already have a clear idea of where you want to go and what you want to do. You do not need our opinions on this. <br />
I do agree that focusing your attention on dating alleviates your overall mood and the atmosphere is better. Spouse is happier because he now gets exactly what he wants.<br />
Just a word of caution. Check with your lawyer about your position if you are caught cheating. The game will completely change then and the blame will fall on you. Be careful.

Oregon is a no fault divorce state

Might be a good idea to start working on an exit strategy.<br />
<br />
All the detail, financial, logistical, emotional. Particularly the aspects of such a plan you might find intimidating.<br />
<br />
See, if you have an exit strategy in do-able shape, you can deal with all this **** from a position of strength rather than uncertainty.<br />
<br />
If need be, you can pro-actively enact the exit strategy. Also, it is there as a safety net should he try and blindside you by getting in first.<br />
<br />
If the idea of having an affair goes guts up and precipitates a divorce, you have a back up plan.<br />
<br />
There's a lot to be said for having a back up plan.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.<br />
<br />
PS. I apologize for my skepticism on my first post. I am a bit guarded about new posters having been burned a little while back.

manaliqueen: go to ssa dot gov. <br />
<br />
But yes. The divorced spouse MIGHT be entitled to draw under their former spouses social security number after 10 years of marriage. However, this does not impact the other's entitlement. He/she still receives their entitlement that they earned over their working years.

get another guy. And flaunt him to your husband. Smile everyday :) I am a guy and that would wake me up in a second!

I am back on the dating scene. But I don't feel the need to flaunt. I think he has noticed I am going out looking a lot more polished than usual.

manaliqueen: You haven't been married very long. Although the emotional imapact of divorce can be overwhelming, you need to seriously consider this option.<br />
<br />
Because the longer you remain, the less advantageous it might for you, financially.<br />
<br />
Might treat this marriage mistake with how you do when you need to rip off a bandage - hold your breath - one swipe - and it's off.<br />
<br />
I recommend you remain mute about this to husband. <br />
<br />
Lay the groundwork for the legal move, then tell him - DO NOT ASK - what your plan is. <br />
<br />
You don't need his permission to divorce (dependent upon jurisdiction, naturally).

I have been married since 2006. I disagree about the financial warning...Right now I am a laid off worker looking for work. I can't divorce now. I need to get a job, save some money.

Secondly. did you know that if you are married over ten years you are entitled to half of your spouses social security?

I just wanted to say, I will be totally silent about my moves. I know I do not need his permission.
His family has tried to help. They say he won't believe anything I say until I actually walk out the door. Then he will be completely surprised and deny he ever saw the warning signs.

I think that your options are binary: <br />
1) see a divorce lawyer before your husband sees a divorce lawyer himself <br />
or <br />
2) see a divorce lawyer after your husband sees a divorce lawyer and serves you papers first. <br />
<br />
Your husband does not love you. You know that. <br />
You should suffer the financial hardship and dump him now. Your husband is just using you for as long as it is convenient FOR HIM and then after that, he will dump you. <br />
<br />
We all know how you feel. It feels horrible. You deserve better.

I do deserve better! As for a divorce lawyer, I have consulted one and he said I would be entitled to spousel support. Really, I am staying in the marriage for practical matters.

"I love you like a sister" and that "he does not have sexual feelings for me anymore." He also said that he has never really been a sexual person...<br />
<br />
Sounds like you were used for a green card. Do you need a brother??? If the answer is no then you should move on. <br />
<br />
Option #1 does not exist, his feelings will never change. You only have options 2 and 3 left.<br />
Good luck!

I don't think he used me for a greencard. He has the PERMANENT GREED CARD now. Even if we divorced he ca stay in the country. Divorce was dicussed and he does not want one.

I would say only one thing. To a refuser the word `wait' means eternity and a day. He will not change. My ex-wife used `soon', becuase soon never comes. This I know to be the truth. Her `soon' lasted 10 years.

I realize this. I know that with sex, the less you have it, you can get used to it and it is hard to restart. So his "wait" request is bs. I decided to join a dating website. First is was Ashley Madison. But that was so seedy and only about sex. I want to have an intimate relationship, not just a hook up. So I joined another website. I was busy with it (emails, dates). I have not had sex outside the marriage, yet. But I must admit, I feel a lot better knowing there are men who find me attractive and would like a "friends with benefits" situation. Strangely, as I am getting the attention I need outside, I am happier and it shows. My husband is even benefiting from this because I no longer come to him for attention. And he sees I am in a better mood overall.

-----" (I sponsored him for a green card),"<br />
<br />
You might not be looking for the WHY's, but this jumped out at me.<br />
<br />
Then this:<br />
<br />
-----"He has said to me, "I love you like a sister" and that "he does not have sexual feelings for me anymore." <br />
<br />
That is the kiss of death. No, he is not going to **** you/be intimate with you anymore.<br />
<br />
-----" he misrepresented himself"<br />
<br />
Appears that he did.<br />
<br />
----- "wait. until his feelings come back."<br />
<br />
The probability of that happening is low.<br />
<br />
So on to other options.

When I mention the greencard thing, people often jump to the idea he married me to get into the country. Well, he has his permanent green card now and even if we divorced he can remain here. He knows that.

When I mentioned one of my options was to leave and I consulted a divorce lawyer, he tried to pursuede me to stay.
He even said he would never divorce me.

It is strange, when he thinks I a ready to leave, he becomes more affectionate (as in petting me like I am a cat).
I am so deprived of human contact and I feel so lonely that I live with the crumbs of occasional petting. I feel disgusted with myself for accepting so little.

What do I think ?<br />
<br />
Well, I reckon for an initial post this is very articulate and well reasoned. An examination of your profile reveals nothing in the way of background to add to the picture, yet you have arrived with the poise of a veteran.<br />
<br />
I think it's a bogus post.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

First of all, I signed onto this website a while ago because I was searching for help and others who were going through the same thing as me. Yet I wasn't even sure if this was a forum I wanted to participate in. SoI did not create a background.

Secondly, posting a picture??? Why? Considering the nature of my problem, I really don't want people to see my photo. And I don't think a photo of a lighthouse on a profile proves you are a legitimate poster. Where is your photo?

Third, I was writing this at 2am last night

Manaliqueen, you have mis-read the above. Bazzar is not saying you should post a photograph! He is saying that you have not provided any background to allow us (regular posters) to offer you valid or useful comment. This has NOTHING to do with a photograph!!

The point is that posters are expecting others to take them on face value. If you provide NO profile details at all, you make it difficult for others to place your post in context.

You do NOT have to reveal personally identifying information in order to give your profile some veracity. But if you want to be taken seriously (and not considered to be either a troll or a fake ID) then giving some indication of yourself ( your interests, etc.) is appropriate.

bazzarislame and apparently a bully.

WELL I FEEL FOR YOU IM THE SAY WAY I DON'T LIKE OR LOVE THE MAN I'M WITH BUT I DO HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE AND I TOLD HIM IF HE DON'T LIKE IT GET OUT AND HE WILL NOT LEAVE