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Can You Love And Hate Your Spouse At The Same Time

I wonder how it is possible to love and hate your spouse at the same time. It's been so long since I've ever felt any intimacy from my husband that I'm not sure if I'd know it if it ever did come about.
Now I must preface this by saying for the last 5 yrs my husband has had problems caused by prostate cancer.He hasn't been able to have sex because of the treatments and I do accept that. That has never been the issue. The issue has been the other 22yrs that we've been married that I've been made to feel like a child not living up to his expectations. The times we did do anything it was always more hurry up and get it over with then my actually feeling like i was wanted. and most of the time his needs were taking care of but mine never were.
Now since he isn't able to do anything I'm questioning why we ever married to begin with. If he actually loved me or just needed someone to take care of him and do the cooking and cleaning.
I do really love him and i would give my life if I could make him well, but a part of me hates him for the way he has made me feel about myself over the yrs.
I know leaving is something that will never happen as long as he is fighting cancer, but I hate living in this.
I know there isn't any answers for me but I just wondered if I was wrong to feel this way
jacee1960 jacee1960 51-55, F 18 Responses Jun 7, 2011

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Yes - it is surprising how love and hate can co-exist.
Your feelings are yours, and in many ways they need no justification. They seem to match the reality of your situation - if any justification is needed.
What do you do now?
Not an easy question; and certainly no easy answers.

I like to take a look at peoples earliest stories. They often tell the most about a person.
I think that you are or were perfectly justified to have such strong mixed emotions towards your husband.
Emotional neglect is cruel and heartless, it's something i've seen at first hand. It's unforgivable.
I hope you are finding more happiness now.
Ari.

I have my moments Ari. And there are so many other things going on right now that it helps. Thanks for caring.

I feel your pain and no its not wrong to feel the way you do. Those of us that belong to this group probably feel the same, at some point.

Anyone else reminded of the old Persuaders tune "Thin Line Between Love and Hate."<br />
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When the neglect has gone on for so long that there's no way for them to make it up to you, even on the off chance they were so inclined and pulled out all the stops, that's when you know it's over.<br />
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Nothing at all wrong with what you're feeling. I hope you manage to find happiness and peace somehow, in whatever way you have to.

I do......when and where I can, thanks

I hate my husband because we both agreed before we got married that we would have kids, and now he has changed his mind.

Wow, that is a really ****** thing to do. That is a big decision either way. Did he say why he changed his mind? Are you staying with him?

i do not know in the 7 years i was with my wife we had started the 6 years of our marrage when she was killed at 19<br />
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all we had was love for each other

I hope he loves you enough to let you find and enjoy the fulfillment of intimacy with another man as a substitute for what he can't do or has little to no desire to do.

This is typical refuser behavior using a medical issue as an excuse for a total shutdown but then again there wasn't anything to shutdown was there. I suppose he has no tongue, no fingers, no ability at all to touch or do anything that might bring you pleasure. What it comes down to is that you have been used probably you were acquired as a live in servant to run the household and take care of whatever needs he had but there was no provision at all for any happiness or your needs because he simply doesn't care. There's nothing lovable about someone that treats you that way and after all these years I imagine you've built up quite a lot of anger and resentment and rightfully so. So now he has prostate cancer and so he has in his eyes an excuse to totally blow you off and is expecting you to sympathize and poor baby him after mistreating you for several decades. I don't think hate is the proper word contemptible behavior like that deserves no concern at all.

Quoting you here - "I know there isn't any answers for me"<br />
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I rather think you'd do well to challenge that thought, because it is demonstrably wrong. You have the same choice(s) as anyone in a dysfunctional relationship.<br />
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We are all prisoners of our own thinking, that's why we must continually challenge our thinking, or we never move forward.<br />
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I would invite you to consider working on an exit strategy. All the details financial, logistical and emotional. How you would work your way around the really tough bits this would involve. Treat it as a theory. An exercise if you will. A dream.<br />
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Turn it over in your head, review it. Work it, until you come up with a do-able plan.<br />
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All marriages end, either by the demise of one of the spouses or by the pro-active choice of one of the spouses. <br />
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It is only prudent (for any spouse in any marriage - good or bad) to know what they'd do "if".<br />
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Once you have a do-able strategy in place, you will deal with your existing situation way way better, because you will have a safety net beneath you.<br />
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Now at this point, you would clearly NOT be in a mindset where you would be prepared to enact your exit strategy.<br />
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But, if you challenge your thinking, you will NOT always be in your present mindset. And what you see as an inconceivable choice today will not always stay that way.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I understand.

I have a different twist on this issue. I started medications 10 years ago for heart failure and my ability to get erect has diminished a great deal over the years. However, my mind is as active as it ever was (which is VERY), so it leaves me very frustrated.<br />
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My wife has dealt with the lack of sex better than me, I think. I am at the point that I would welcome some alternative lifestyle to give her some relief and enable me to express my sexuality in non-conventional ways. I guess I'm kind of different.

if she gets what she needs in other ways.....holding her and validating her feelings, that too is important. I'm not angry because he's ill and can't f*** me. i'm pissed and despise him for all the times he could have given me that and chose not to

I think your feelings are not only completely understandable, but justifiable. You spent all those years with someone who could have made an effort to satisfy you, but didn't. Now, even if he wanted to, he can't and you are still left unsatisfied and feel trapped because you don't want to leave while he has cancer.

Have you tried to talk to him about your feelings?
Tell him exactly what you are feeling like above? If not, he needs to hear it. No use bottling that up because it will continue to eat at you and make you more and more resentful.

Yes, you can hate and love a person. Hate and love are both passionate feelings. Like opposite sides of a coin. In both emotions you are mentally focused on the other person. <br />
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But do you hate your husband or are you really pissed off and angry instead? Being pissed off or angry has more to do with having your feelings hurt or not having your expectations/needs being met. <br />
As a result you become angry. Sometimes anger feels like hate.<br />
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I loved my husband and I hated him too. Hated him for the way he turned his back on me. I would say, "I hate you for being this way, for ignoring me." But really I was hurt and angry. <br />
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If you hate someone you stop caring about their well being. <br />
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One thing I will say...when you stop hating and stop being angry that is when you know the relationship is over. For a long time I was angry at my first, big love for some crappy thing he did. My mom told it was a sign I wasn't "over him." Then I stopped feeling pissed off. And that was when I realized I no longer loved him and I could move on.

I wonder if what your really feeling isnt hate but a real deep down resentment. I know for me that is true. Yes he has medical issues related to it but why no hugs? Nothing? That is my issue. He knows I dont expect sex yet there is no cuddling or hugging or touching. A person doesnt know how much a human needs anothers touch until you dont have it. And I really resent him for that...not hate but a deep resentment.

Yeah, you can love and hate a person at the same time. Why not? <br />
Who cares anyway? It is all about the sex, right?<br />
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Jaycee, <br />
You are suffering the torment of refusal. Do not beat yourself up for having thoughts or feelings that seem to conflict. Just try your best to plan an exit that leaves you feeling dignified.

-----" The issue has been the other 22yrs that we've been married that I've been made to feel like a child not living up to his expectations."<br />
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You aren't wrong to feel whatever you feel. Feelings, in and of themselves, are not wrong.<br />
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If you are experiencing an overall lack of intimacy, then that seems to be a result of your above statement.<br />
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The problem is not his cancer but your overall relationship dynamics.

You can love the person but still hate the behaviour. An example of this is when your child misbehaves - you still love your child, but you don't like the behaviour.<br />
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You are definitely NOT wrong to have these feelings. Your husband seems to be selfish and to have control issues. Coupled with the sex problems, it is only natural that you should feel the way you do.<br />
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I would suggest you consider carefully the decision not to leave him because of his prostate cancer, In many men this is a very slow moving disease and it may not affect his way of life very seriously (provided he takes the appropriate treatments). It used to be said that a man was more likely to die WITH prostate cancer than OF prostate cancer.<br />
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If your husband is otherwise healthy and is not suffering from seriously debilitating side effects, then you might want to reconsider your decision to remain in your marriage. . . .

It kind of sounds like my wife does, I love skin contact as well, however her reason for no extended kissing, too close of hugs, skin contact, etc, was because these things can possiby lead to sex, (and you know what that means...uh oh, closeness....) so yeah, these things must be avoided at all cost for the slightest chance that I might just so happen to feel loved, cared about or anything else of the sorts that are strictly forbidded for married people to feel! Tired of the shinanigans. Cancer, cronic knee pain, all great reasons for lack of sex drive, your poor husband has cancer, I am sorry to hear that, unfortunately it sounds like you were his sexual ob<x>ject, now I could be wrong, my wife makes me feel like I make her my sexual ob<x>ject for asking for sex, so I guilt trip myself into feeling wrong about asking for sex, then again I would never tell her to hurry up or anything like that. That doesn't seem right to me, sex in the wrong way can create distance as well. It leave you feeling empty inside...

yes i do believe you can hate and love at the same time. I was married for 22 years with her for 26 years I also was sexless in my marriage. i wanted she did not, yeah unusual i know. i did what it took to satistfy her needs first. sex wasnt something that was on her top of the list, more towards the bottom. i wanted to have some skin contact but was always denied, skin contact meaning just being close to her.<br />
so over the years of no sex it was pretty rare when it did happen. i got fixed so we couldnt have anymore kids but it really didnt matter cuz there wasnt any sex anyway.<br />
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me having depression and chronic knee pain caused lots of stress and love making just wasnt gonna happen.<br />
Love him be kind to him and buy some thing to take care of yourself and your needs.