Life In Virtually Sexless Marriage.

I know lots of peiple have the same sort of story so i will just add mine maybe it will make me feel better,or maybe not i'm not sure but here goes anyway.I got married quite young at twenty years old and it was also quite a short courtship of about three months(yes i know my penis was ruling my head).Anyway  sex was fine at first as it usually is,we were doing it at every available opportunity and then she got pregnant and it pretty much stopped for the next three years.We were only having it once or twice a year after that.Three years later she decided she wanted another child again and hey presto i could have sex as often as i wanted again(yes i know, am rather dumb)
     Anyway she got pregnant again,that was thirteen years ago and we have been having sex once or twice a year since then.I dont believe for one second that she doesnt love me but she just doesnt seem to like sex,for her it is a means to an end and thats all.I really miss sex,ive even thought about looking elsewhere,i fantasise about meeting a woman in the same situation just for sex but i know that will not solve the problem.I also know that my situation is not going to change while i stay in this relationship but i have the kids to think about and i cant see a way out at this time.Well thats a very short version of my story,i feel a bit better just writing it down but not much:)
vespaman vespaman 36-40, M 13 Responses Jun 8, 2011

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I am a 40 something female, and sometimes me and my husband dont do it for ages, but then when we do i rememeber how good it is. Then we have it for a while then have a break again. Perhaps your wife has forgotten how nice it can be, its very easy to get out of the habit, and harder to get back in, for a woman.

Ask yourself, do you love her? Is everything else ok in the relationship? It it worth trying to sort it out?

Perhaps a weekend away without the kids?

You need to talk to your wife about your feelings.

I would just ask her, point blank, if she feels there is a problem with your sex life.Chances are she isn't happy with it either. Marriage/Sex counseling can help. Just let her know that you love her, but would like to be close to her. Just be prepared for her response, it may not be what you want to hear, but pray that it is honest.

Yes, but would you want a spouse who just "satisfied your needs" without really enjoying it or getting anything out of it herself? Sounds like mercy sex.

"I dont believe for one second that she doesnt love me but she just doesnt seem to like sex,for her it is a means to an end and thats all."

A loving spouse would not keep you without satisfying your needs for years. What kind of love is that if it drives you to think about meeting other women? I think you should be working on conveying to your wife the extent of the pain that SM causes to you. A loving spouse would make changes.

We are all in the same boat, both men and women, hence the group we are in.

1st- because so many of us know how you feel you are not alone.

For me I've done a lot of thinking about this, as I'm sure you are. I believe that in many cases women need to feel "connected" to have sex, while men often feel connected once they have sex. That is a big distinction.

I've talked to several family members who have been through divorce and there is often a reoccurring theme-"we both work so hard and between that and the kids we lost focus on each other"

It is true that on this forum there are many women going through the same thing. It is also true that studies have been done that men think about sex far more often then women do. It is simply a physiological difference, but a big one indeed.

The lack of sex, for both men and women, I believe is the same. It gives us a feeling of not being accepted and wanted by the one person who should-our spouse. Of course we know that a lack of sex is a result of a bigger issue-a lack of closeness, interest, communication or "romantic" love.

Perhaps-just maybe, marriage was not meant for all of us. Maybe us, our spouses, or both, just can't continually be with one person all their lives and be happy. One thing is clear, with a 50% divorce rate something is going on in these relationships. Is "marriage" even natural? Or am I asking that simply because I'm not in a good one?

Kids are the glue that keep many of us in our marriages. You ask yourself "Is it right for me to put my happiness before my kids happiness?" Maybe a doctor on here can answer that.

For me, call me conceited, I'm beginning to think of leaving if something major doesn't change. I've been going through this for 5 years, so it is not like a six month spell or anything like that. I take antidepressants and I'm not myself. I've even gotten away from interacting with my kids even though I'm at home because of my unhappiness. I'd rather be happy and have my kids see me happy and interact with them as myself then someone who mopes around all the time.

Either way, talk to your wife, try and work it out, and realize this, you only have one life.

In about six months, you will start working on an exit plan. You just need to suffer a bit more to get there.

Have nor fear. We will still be here for you.



I certainly didn't mean to imply that most women don't like sex. I know that's not true (Thank God!). But, I was just saying that a lot of men my age seem to complain that their wives aren't very interested in sex anymore. I know it "take two to tango" and the men might be part of the problem, but I was just pointing out that observation.

I am new here and I, too, was surprised that there are so many women here. I expected it to be 90% men. So, yes, I am one of the newbies who has had his perceptions recalibrated. I look forward to some good discussions and maybe finding solutions to my problems. I will be posting a story soon.

Of course there is a way out.

Point is however that it is just an awful a choice as your present choice - to stay in the marriage.

Leaving is hard. Bloody hard. Difficult. Challenging. Gut wrenching.

But that does NOT mean it is not a viable choice.

It just makes it a choice that you are not presently willing to fully examine.

Consider this.

All marriages end sooner or later. Either by the demise of one of the spouses, or one (or both) of the spouses pro-actively ending it.

So any spouse needs to know how they would organise their life to live alone. All the detail, financial, logistical and emotional.

Were you to work yourself a do-able plan to cover this fact, you might even consider enacting it yourself at a time of your choosing - or have it available should you get blindsided by your spouse getting in first.

Chances are, that if you continue with your present choice - to stay in a dysfunctional marriage - the resentment and unhappiness will drive you to consider this option very seriously. Best to think about it now, not when you are in a state of high emotion / resentment / unhappiness.

Think about it as a theory at this point.

Tread your own path.

".I dont believe for one second that she doesnt love me but she just doesnt seem to like sex"

Too many double negatives, and the word "just". I think you'll find your use of the word love may be somewhat idealistic if she unilaterally has decided to cut you off. Would you do that to someone you love? Would you stop talking to her if you didn't feel like it?

I'm sorry. I have no answers but I know it is a difficult situation. I feel your pain. Take comfort in knowing you are among friends.

It is interesting the number of men who still believe that women, in general, just don't enjoy sex.

Sorry D, just not true. Many people come here, women included, believing that the majority of our members are male. In fact we tend to have a 50/50 balance. What is rotten for all of us here, men and women alike, is that those of us who have a healthy appreciation for sex seem to be as likely to end up with someone who doesn't. If there were a way to identify ourselves in groups, things would be so much easie. However, something tells me we would still have a number of people who really didn't understand what a healthy appreciation for sex really means (as in a few times year is not enough and things are not meant to slow down at some given age).


I'm new here too and your story is very similar to mine though I'm a bit older than you are. The bottomline is that some women just don't like sex very much and you are correct that for them, sex is a means to an end: 1) to get a husband, 2) to make babies, more use for it.

This also reminds me of a saying:

"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place."

It sounds like there are some women here who have "normal" sex drives, but from anecdotal stories from male friends my age, I think they are in the minority. (I guess that's contradictory, isn't it; it they are in the minority, then they are not "normal.") I don't know.

Dear V: Welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You are welcome here. Please read lots of stories and make some friends. We won't solve your problem, but you won't be alone in your boat and clarity is something you gain.

Good luck,