I Live In a Sexless Marriage
Ok, so I did it. After two months of not talking about it, and knowing that she is still carrying on her affair while not giving me any love, affection or respect, I finally let it out. I was calm - the speech was practiced - and I was able to keep the emotions in check. The goal: to get her to make a choice between working on the marriage or divorce and being with the man she loved. I still have no idea where we are - and I thought I was the one forcing the ultimatum...
I was going to wait until Sunday - but on Friday I went to my daughter's 8th grade graduation and HE was there as a keynote speaker. I was sitting there, knowing about the unspoken affair, with my wife sitting next to me, while looking at and listening to HIM! I decided then and there that I would have the talk that night instead of waiting.
I started out by telling her that I loved her. I reminded her of all we have been through to build the beautiful home and family that we have. I told her that I have been patient and given her the space she asked for - not badgering her at all about our relationship (or lack thereof) for 2 months. I then handed her the 64 pages of texts she had sent over the past 3 weeks (over 3000) to HIM, and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. I can't stay silent and watch her have an affair. She was surprised by the number of texts and absolutely insisted that they are "just friends" once again. Apparently they have a pact to bring the affair to their graves, because she cannot admit it at all. Funny thing is, when I said that she needed to make a choice between saving our marriage or HIM - she could only say that HE is not an option because he has a wife and newborn baby. Not that she chooses me, but that he isn't available to her. She also kept insisting that she doesn't know what she wants. That she needs to work on herself, and it isn't about another man.
So I told her I am ready for the divorce. I told her I couldn't go on like this, and if she couldn't commit to at least try to save the marriage, then we needed to go our separate ways. So I started talking about the divorce plan that I had all prepared - I started with the children custody and our schedule of one week on / one week off. That is when she finally showed emotion and broke down crying, saying "I can't go a whole week at a time without seeing my children". I told her that this is the reality of what she has been contemplating, what else did she think it meant when she was telling me she doesn't know if she wants to stay married or not? She refused to look at the rest of my plan, and said she needs time to figure this out and she is seeing a therapist so why can't I give her time? I told her I could if she were willing to work on us at the same time as she works on herself. I asked her if she was going to stop texting and talking to him, and she said "sure". (what the hell does that mean?)
So that was Friday - on Saturday I went for a walk and was away for a while. On a whim, I decided to look at the phone records on my cell phone while I was out - and lo and behold, 2 hours of texting between her and him again. So I texted her and told her "I see you made your choice. Too bad it has to end this way. I love you and always will." She texted back saying that she was just texting him to tell him they can't text or talk anymore, and that if I can't stop spying on her and give her space then maybe we should separate. I told her she can have all the space she wants, because I am done being nice and understanding and sitting and waiting. I told her we are through and I will move into the other room that evening and we will tell the kids the next day. She said "I never wanted to hurt you or the family we have, you deserve better than me, do what you have to do."
Later that night, we had a two hour talk about what to do about the kids - and both of us agreed that no matter what we need to have their best interest in mind. The problem is, for both of us that meant not divorcing and living apart. So she wanted to divorce and stay living together - to which I said "huh?, how the hell does that work?" I said no - we will divorce and separate and try to make it as smooth as possible. To that she said "I guess I can try marriage counseling if that is what you want". ??? Ok... so all of a sudden we are going back to saving the marriage? So we talked about what that would look like - and I told her I don't want to do it if it is for me or for the kids - it has to be something she wants if we are to work on saving the marriage, otherwise it won't ever happen. So she said she owes it to herself to at least try or she might make a mistake she regrets.
We ended the talk there - it was late and we hugged, tight and for a long time. We cuddled a bit and the went to bed spooning. Now we haven't had any cuddling or spooning in over 2 months - so I am thinking "progress"... but the next morning (Sunday) and again today - cold and empty. She walks around depressed barely saying two words to me. She secludes herself from me and the kids and listens to her ipod. She is distant and not at all there.
My guess: she is grieving the loss of her lover. She can't talk to him anymore and they would talk/text nonstop for 13 hours every day. So how am I supposed to feel about that?
Oh - I forgot one thing. When I saw on saturday that they were still texting and I texted her to say it is over - I also texted HIM. I told him I am sure you know that I know about the affair you are having with my wife and that I asked her to stop. I said I see that you haven't stopped, so she made her choice and he could now have her all he wants. I told him I would still be telling his wife and the school. He texted back that they were only texting because she was telling him they had to stop - that they were only friends and it was never anything more - that he texts that much with all his friends (impossible, there aren't enough hours in the day, much less hold a day job too), and that he didn't mean to disrespect me or interfere with my family and he was very sorry. Of course you are sorry you sack of ****! I am about to ruin your entire world - time to pay the piper.
So here I am typing this, still totally unknowing where I stand in my own marriage. Are we working on it? Certainly doesn't feel like it. She still gives me no love or affection, and now isn't even talking to me. Maybe I need to give her time to get over him? Or should I just go through with the divorce. She said she would see a counselor with me - do I take her up on it?
I was going to wait until Sunday - but on Friday I went to my daughter's 8th grade graduation and HE was there as a keynote speaker. I was sitting there, knowing about the unspoken affair, with my wife sitting next to me, while looking at and listening to HIM! I decided then and there that I would have the talk that night instead of waiting.
I started out by telling her that I loved her. I reminded her of all we have been through to build the beautiful home and family that we have. I told her that I have been patient and given her the space she asked for - not badgering her at all about our relationship (or lack thereof) for 2 months. I then handed her the 64 pages of texts she had sent over the past 3 weeks (over 3000) to HIM, and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. I can't stay silent and watch her have an affair. She was surprised by the number of texts and absolutely insisted that they are "just friends" once again. Apparently they have a pact to bring the affair to their graves, because she cannot admit it at all. Funny thing is, when I said that she needed to make a choice between saving our marriage or HIM - she could only say that HE is not an option because he has a wife and newborn baby. Not that she chooses me, but that he isn't available to her. She also kept insisting that she doesn't know what she wants. That she needs to work on herself, and it isn't about another man.
So I told her I am ready for the divorce. I told her I couldn't go on like this, and if she couldn't commit to at least try to save the marriage, then we needed to go our separate ways. So I started talking about the divorce plan that I had all prepared - I started with the children custody and our schedule of one week on / one week off. That is when she finally showed emotion and broke down crying, saying "I can't go a whole week at a time without seeing my children". I told her that this is the reality of what she has been contemplating, what else did she think it meant when she was telling me she doesn't know if she wants to stay married or not? She refused to look at the rest of my plan, and said she needs time to figure this out and she is seeing a therapist so why can't I give her time? I told her I could if she were willing to work on us at the same time as she works on herself. I asked her if she was going to stop texting and talking to him, and she said "sure". (what the hell does that mean?)
So that was Friday - on Saturday I went for a walk and was away for a while. On a whim, I decided to look at the phone records on my cell phone while I was out - and lo and behold, 2 hours of texting between her and him again. So I texted her and told her "I see you made your choice. Too bad it has to end this way. I love you and always will." She texted back saying that she was just texting him to tell him they can't text or talk anymore, and that if I can't stop spying on her and give her space then maybe we should separate. I told her she can have all the space she wants, because I am done being nice and understanding and sitting and waiting. I told her we are through and I will move into the other room that evening and we will tell the kids the next day. She said "I never wanted to hurt you or the family we have, you deserve better than me, do what you have to do."
Later that night, we had a two hour talk about what to do about the kids - and both of us agreed that no matter what we need to have their best interest in mind. The problem is, for both of us that meant not divorcing and living apart. So she wanted to divorce and stay living together - to which I said "huh?, how the hell does that work?" I said no - we will divorce and separate and try to make it as smooth as possible. To that she said "I guess I can try marriage counseling if that is what you want". ??? Ok... so all of a sudden we are going back to saving the marriage? So we talked about what that would look like - and I told her I don't want to do it if it is for me or for the kids - it has to be something she wants if we are to work on saving the marriage, otherwise it won't ever happen. So she said she owes it to herself to at least try or she might make a mistake she regrets.
We ended the talk there - it was late and we hugged, tight and for a long time. We cuddled a bit and the went to bed spooning. Now we haven't had any cuddling or spooning in over 2 months - so I am thinking "progress"... but the next morning (Sunday) and again today - cold and empty. She walks around depressed barely saying two words to me. She secludes herself from me and the kids and listens to her ipod. She is distant and not at all there.
My guess: she is grieving the loss of her lover. She can't talk to him anymore and they would talk/text non
Oh - I forgot one thing. When I saw on saturday that they were still texting and I texted her to say it is over - I also texted HIM. I told him I am sure you know that I know about the affair you are having with my wife and that I asked her to stop. I said I see that you haven't stopped, so she made her choice and he could now have her all he wants. I told him I would still be telling his wife and the school. He texted back that they were only texting because she was telling him they had to stop - that they were only friends and it was never anything more - that he texts that much with all his friends (impossible, there aren't enough hours in the day, much less hold a day job too), and that he didn't mean to disrespect me or interfere with my family and he was very sorry. Of course you are sorry you sack of ****! I am about to ruin your entire world - time to pay the piper.
So here I am typing this, still totally unknowing where I stand in my own marriage. Are we working on it? Certainly doesn't feel like it. She still gives me no love or affection, and now isn't even talking to me. Maybe I need to give her time to get over him? Or should I just go through with the divorce. She said she would see a counselor with me - do I take her up on it?
By:
charlierose5012
Age:
36-40
,
Male
