Christian Sexless Marriage1 Corinthians 7:3-
3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Ok, this will be a hard one to write. I spend a lot of time researching things that the Church needs to address and I find that this one is growing. In the above text we find one important fact. Husbands and wives are not to deny each other sexually unless by mutual agreement. Now some will take offense and quote the world; "This is MY body and you don't have a right to it." Well that is not what the sc
Initially I thought this was a problem where wives denied their husbands, but a greater number of husbands are denying their wives sex. Does that surprise you? There is no real commonality concerning why either sex denies the other. The usual suspects are medical problems, one spouse has gained weight, one is not so good in bed, the list goes on. BUt the realilty is no married person should deny their spouse, shall we say true intimacy.
In many of the stories I have read and conducted interviews, I am finding that it really is not about the lack of sex. It is more about the neglected one being made to feel unattractive, undesired, ugly, unlovable, etc. The results can be devastating. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and divorce. Just to name a few.
Denied husbands generally feel they have been a victim of bait and switch. The fiancee promised tons of married sex and then changed that thought as soon as the ring was on her finger. They are frustrated because many of them work full time jobs to support the family, do chores around the home, are romantic and all they want is to be ackowledged with affection and sex. And to not get it can be devastating. Again it is more the affection. Even sex with no affection is hurtful because if sex is seen as a chore, the husbands assume they are not desired.
Now wives feel as if they are no longer attractive when they are denied. Have they gained too much weight? Are they out of shape due to childbirth? Are they not as pretty as certain glamourous actresses? Many neglected wives share the idea that they work full time jobs, take care of the home, cook, clean etc. And they want that affection and sex that they cannot get anywhere else.
This neglect can destroy the self esteem of a person. In men it can cause bitterness toward their wife, anger at people who they encounter in the marketplace hatred of God and of marriage, the enemy can use the opportunity to tempt husbands to cheat or watch ***********. Some husbands turn to ************ for release which frustrates them more because what they want is closeness with their spouse.
In wives this neglect can cause her to feel ugly and unlovable by the one person who once thought she was the most beautiful person on earth. Depression can set in and again, thoughts of strating are prevalent. In fact, when women are neglected, they are much more likely to seek out an affair than men.
The entire mesage of Jesus was to love your neighbor as yourself. I can understand how the world gets to this position, but Christians should have the monopoly on fabulous marriages and gratifying sex lives. But instead the world shuns marriage and practice fornication which while sinful still produces the results sex intended, namely happier couples. And it does not help when couples in sexless marriages see these people in the marketplace. Jealousy develops which causes more bitterness toward the offending spouse. So what do we do about this dilemma?
First of all repentance is needed because whether you are a husband or a wife, you are practicing sin if you deny your spouse the sex and affection due to them. The world says your body is yours, but it is not. It belongs to your spouse whether you be a husband or a wife. Secondly, forgiveness is key, especially in the case of the neglected because they are harboring hatred, bitterness which are also sins. They too have to repent.
Now I want to touch on a few shall we say, exceptions to the rule. Fasting.
Paul's instruction says that except for fasting (and only by mutual consent) are we to deny each other, so this must be considered. But considering that this is llikely to not be a constant act, it should not cause either spouse distress.
Medical problems. some women's stories I have read deny sex because it is painful due to vaginismus or other maladies. In those cases, medical treatment should be pursued. TO the husbands of women suffering this I would say be patient, and loving. It is the selfish husband who knows his wife is hurting and still only cares about himself. This is a fine line and should always be handled with prayer.
Rape and sexual abuse. Some spouses, whether husbands or wives have undergone traumatic assaults in their youth or by abusive exes. Their outlook on sex changes and if the spouse is a little aggressive, for instance, the neglecting spouse may have memories of the assault surface and unconsciously attribute the actions of his/her spouse as similar to their attacker/abuser. This can cause a shutdown emotionally. I have found that more often than not, those who have been abused genuinely love their spouse, but cannot separate the memories from what should be a beautiful thing, a God given gift. Again, this should be handled with prayer.
Assuming we must as Believers, handle these issues the same way the world does causes us to be disobedient to God. Be patient with each other. Be loving, and be forgiving. To those who are refusing their spouses, ask yourselves why you do it and then repent. Like I said, it is sin according to sc
The Church needs to address these issues because they are more rampant in the Church than one would imagine, and we have not even imagined the number of people who do not know Christ who are suffering in this. I will end with this. If you are neglecting your spouse and feel you can get up in front of people and minister to them, you are out of order. If you are having an affair as a result of being neglected, but feel you can put ona robe and preach to your congregation every week, you are in error. If you are forcing sex on your wive when you know of her pain, and have not helped her to seek treatment, you are out of order and all of this is sin. It is time for us to stop wearing masks in the Body of Christ concerning this. Certainly it is a hard topic, but people need healing, both in the Church and in the world. And if we cannot function because of the poisons of hatred, bitterness and unforgiveness, how can we help the word?
I hope this causes a dialogue. It is very disheartening to know the number of people suffering from this. Don't believe me? Google Christian Sexless marriage and get out your kleenex. God bless.