Post

Wife's Weight Gain Has Ended Our Sex Life

I have had little to no sex with my wife for the last 3-4 years for one simple reason - her weight gain. There is no other issue like communication, romance, money, etc...it's a very simple explanation.

And for those that want to ask, yes I did tell her this a while ago. After being miserable for over a year to both me and to her since I didn't know how to say it, she finally told me to go to a marriage counselor. Short version is I finally told her this during a meeting that her weight is the reason I do not want to have sex with her.

For all the damage it has done, I do not regret it because I was MISERABLE holding it in!! About a year ago we were trying to discuss this issue and she told me that her sex drive has gone down a lot since I told her this (although she said she pretty much knew the reason).

She was definitely not boring in the sack and does not have the issue that some women have of just laying there, but I am just no physically attracted to have sex with her. Now even our cuddling/affection is minimal.

It has been about 8 months since we were last intimate and it was not very enjoyable. We have a 2 year old daughter (through adoption). We tried to conceive about 3-4 years ago but that became too mechanical and I am still a little resentful she didn't even TRY to lose weight under OB/GYN recommendations to help our chances (although I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world!).

I don't know what to do and would appreciate your feedback! I have even had thoughts about how to just have a physical affair just to quench that desire since it is not happening here.

JB512 JB512 31-35, M 37 Responses Mar 2, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

This is a really sad situation. I have a solution though, if you are willing to put forth the effort to help your wife. Buy the book "Eat to Live" ask if she will read it. That book teaches us how to eat unlimited amounts of plant-based foods, and lose weight, stabilize our health, regain our vitality and feel sexy again, etc without even going to the gym. My Husband married me when I was overweight and out of shape. He was a body builder! Because he nurtured me over the years, and because I found this book many years ago, I am now 113 lbs, I feel sexy again and love clothes shopping, and can run circles around him. It's nice to know I am giving him the very best of me I have to offer, especially because he loved me no matter what. So, nurture your wife! She is probably hurting more than you know. In this way, both of you win!

I totally know how you feel! I am not attracted to bigger people especially with man boobs or have a belly lol

I will tell my wife to go to the gym to lose the Weight gain. She is obese and I have lost interest in her. I even told her that I detest having sex with her. I am still fit and healthy and slim. Unfortunately I have started cheating on her.
Zak

Oh my goodness! I'd have loved to be in your shoes! Watching my own wife go from almost slim over chubby to now quite a bit more than just chubby is the most erotic experience I've ever had. She is so beautiful, so soft, so womanly and feminine. So voluptuous and lush and... just downright sexy!
I think you should try to forget about all those lame beauty ideals that we're indoctrinated with and really show her that you appreciate her. Look at her again and with a new set of eyes. Try to get in touch with your inner caveman, the guy that 10 millennia ago was making pictures of huge, fat goddesses, the very symbols on femininity and fertility. Look at her with these eyes: Your own, personal goddess, deserving your praise, worship and adoration. Touch her and feel the softness, adore her lushness and then... then bury yourself in a soft hug of hers, feel her body pressing against yours and know that you're lucky to be married to such a round and lovely beauty.
This problem is inside your head and not, I repeat NOT, in the extra pounds that your wife is carrying around. Be proud! I can assure you that I'd be a very proud man if I was in your place.
If you absolutely want her to lose weight, then start spoiling her rotten instead of making her feel miserable about herself. Make a delicious salad for her. Take her out for a nice, romantic walk, be together with her and DO somehing together with her. Be active together, don't just expect her to go out and lose weight without having you at her side. Make her feel loved, desired and appreciated so she again can have the feeling of being someone special for you. But at any cost, don't hurt her or make her feel bad about herself. That'll definitely not do any good at all.

Now I\'ve taken my time to read through your answers too, at least some of them, and my deepest respect for what you\'ve done! More men should do what you\'ve done, and I can see that most of my advice and my tone in the first reply wasn\'t relevant or was\'t doing you justice. Keep up the good work!

No more men should not do what he did. Why do so many women believe that a man should just accept that his wife gains so much weight. Especially when almost all overweight women still want a man who is physically fit. If she was single this whole time she would have stayed thin. It may have been disrespectful for him to be this way but he is being honest with her. You know that's one of the main points of a marriage....honesty. That said it was also disrespectful of her not to take care of herself.

You're wrong. Not all women want a fit man. Do your homework before postulating things like that. Some of it is about preferences. I find it perfectly okay that some big women want a fit man. I'm not a big man, and I find big and also very big women utterly and truly sexy and beautiful - so why shouldn't the opposite be allowed? You can't say (or well, you just did), that she's disrespectful towards him beacuse "she's not taking care of herself". That's rubbish. There might be a gazillion reasons for her behaving like that, and there are just as many ways for the partner to react - of which only few are really good and helpful.
A similar situation could be me, with my preference for bigger women. What if my wife started to lose weight and "stopped caring about her body being the way _I_ like it"? Some would call me insane or maybe even worse things, but that problem is also ocurring and is definitely not as uncommon as many might think.
So, what to do? Of course I "can be honest with her" and just be like "you've changed your body and it doesn't attract me anymore." I would probably find more diplomatic ways of expressing that if I had to, but I'd definitely not choose it as a first option. I would have to look inwards at first. Given that my physical preferences go for ladies that could easily contain two supermodels, and now and then even three, could I work with myself and see this as a challenge instead of a sad thing? Would I be able to transform and redirect my sexual preferences just enough to still find this woman that I was with, the most beautiful creature on the planet? And in my case, it would be a yes. I wouldn't do it unless I had to, because it's not necessary, but I think I could.
BUT basically the problem is communication, communication and communication. In my opinion, you can't talk or share too much in a marriage. Both should always be 100% up to date with the partner's feelings and desires. If the discrepancies between how you THINK the other one feels and thinks and how he/she actually thinks and feels grows too big, the divorce starts to come sneaking. Discuss thoughts, bodies, desires, feelings, happiness, pleasures, sorrows, everything possible, so you KNOW exactly how the other one feels. The easier it will become to predict how the other one reacts to things - e.g. to you having lost or put on weight.

*clapping* You're awesome!

LOL, fat women unite against the original poster when he was just being honest with her.

You know what? I've got pupils that go straight up to either grown ups or other kids and tell them they're ugly, fat, stupid, pick anything negative, and when I tell them that it's not okay to say things like that, they're like "Huh!? I'm just being honest! You always tell us to be honest!"
I can tell you that there are many ways in which to be honest, and only a few are actually okay. I love honesty too, but sometimes, telling people your opinion on them is NOT the way to go. There are often more subtle ways to get your point through.

3 More Responses

Oddly enough, I'm just as attracted to my wife even though she's gone from 135 pounds to 400. I guess I'm luckier than you.

I love how all the women say it is the man's job to help the woman lose the weight and get back into shape. Yet when it's the man who is overweight, the "you go girl" syndrome kicks in and it's time for the sister to leave the man if he can't make himself desirable on his own. A horrendous double standard. My wife gained close to 75 pounds after children. She weighed barely 115 so you can imagine the spread which has taken place. I've gone completely celibate. No touching, no kissing, no going out in public because it embarrassing to look at the way she's let herself go. Of course the law protects her, so divorce is out of the question as I will lose nearly everything. I lost so much interest in sex that even the notion of an affair doesn't do much for me. I am hoping now I simply outlive her and that will be the end of that.

It don't matter divorce her anyway. If you supported her and she has a high paying job you would be entitled to alimony.

If you love your wife,help her to be in shape again.

My wife quit smoking and gained 35 pounds. I was heavy when we met. She was 98 pounds and a professional ballet dancer. After giving birth via c section her weight returned within 2 months to 105 pounds at 5'2. She is Now at 160 lbs since quitting smoking we haven't had sex for 20 years. I can't get aroused at all. We cuddle and until a plate was put in my neck i would satisfy her. She couldn't reciprocate through no fault of hers. I believe men love with their eyes at first meeting. Women love with their ears. I have learned its not my fault, nor hers. She loves me and is attracted to me even though I am overweight ( a gift of women ). I love her, will stay faithful and honer my vows as sex isn't all a marriage is about. Yes I miss it, but she is the air I breathe. I am only sorry us men ( most of us ) love with our eyes and early teen type choices we made back then. So I suggest love her, stay faithful, and grab a exotic book on a kindle or similar that you can read alone when she is shopping or with her girlfriends. Remember to compliment her often, especially if she drops a pound or two. Remember how many things has she overlooked and still loved you, possibly passing wind, not dressing up anymore, belching, not pulling out a chair, car door, any door, sexist jokes or comments; or how many times she caught you looking at other women and never said a word. THAT'S A BEST FRIEND, THAT'S MARRIAGE!

The stress of living up to the "****" look or even hollywood's bodily image is hard, so she is even more stressed out knowing you are not attracted. So, that adds weight. You made vows saying you would love her no matter what, that is not fair to put up a stipulation about weight. I am wondering if you are into **** and see those images and then she just doesn't compare, that is what it kind of sounds like. Just remember being too blunt is not helpful, unless you are willing to compromise too. Then maybe it will work.

I have to say, I understand this guy's point of view. My husband gained about 125 lbs. and it makes it hard to see that other person that way.

I have to say, I understand this guy's point of view. My husband gained about 125 lbs. and it makes it hard to see that other person that way.

Flabbergasted, really. I do not blame him. While with holding sex maybe a little harsh no one wants to have sex with a marshmallow. If the weight gain is not related to any involuntary health issues or pregnancy then Shame on her. It is irresponsible and it merely shows that she has become lazy and unmotivated. It shows that she is not dedicated to taking good care of her health. While his love for her maybe true and tied it is frustrating to watch someone you love purposely neglected to uphold a healthy weight for his or herself. Not only has she neglected her appearance but she is putting herself at risk for a greater number of health issues. She also probably doesn't enjoy doing the active things that they use to enjoy before the weight gain. These things are what build and mount to frustration of her partner eventually leading to lack of sexual desire. It's not as if she doesn't know already as women anyway are very vain but I'm sure they’ve talked about it as well. You can only do so much to support your spouse before you throw in the towel. It's up to her to eat right and exercise in order to take control of her appearance and health. Just try to be more motivating than critical as this is probably hard enough for her to deal with. You are someone she loves and trust so if you are can maybe try to be more encouraging and inspiring this may help her a lot.

\"no one wants to have sex with a marshmallow\"... Aren\'t we generalizing quite a bit more than we ought to here, young lady? Actually, I\'m a guy that loves soft women, so how dare you just state things like that, just because you think that everyone think the way you do?

It may have been hard to say, and I don't even want to imagine the pain that came from hearing it, BUT at least you were HONEST! I ask my husband all the time, "Why? What can I do to be better?" and he claims he doesn't know. <br />
<br />
We both let ourselves go. I gained 100 pounds, and he gained 120 or more. My desire for him has never changed. I'm busting *** and have lost 70 of the 100 I've gained. I'm smaller than what I was on my wedding day. <br />
<br />
I am happy you're being encouraging and trying to still be intimate with her. Losing this weight has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I had to do it alone.

Stepping out won't solve anything...it'll only cause more problems. Encourage her to go on a diet. Offer to do it with her even if you don't need it. Working out together will allow you to push her without seeming like a jerk. Something similar happened to my friend. Her husband continually tells her that he is repulsed by her and is embarassed to be seen with her. It hurt her a lot. He also openly flirts with her friends, including me. He had sex with a 17 year old friend of hers. I've delt with this hands on for the last 4 years. It sucks. So please just don't be a jerk. Talk to her nicely and tell her in a way that won't hurt her too bad.

I just read your story and all of the replies. It's almost a year after the last post, but it is my current situation. I wish my husband could read this and come to the same realization that you did. I'm am in tears right now contemplating divorce, as I've gained over 80lbs, adopted our twins from his previous marriage (he was a widower) and had to get a second job to support ourselves because of the economy. Yes, I'm fat. But I am always told how pretty I am, still attract attention. My husband will hug and kiss me, tell me he loves me, but that is it. He's very tired and at night just falls asleep in bed or on the couch and comes up at 11. I beg my husband for sex, but he uses my weight and any other issue (spending, house cleaning, cooking) to support his waning sex drive. He finds time to hit the gym, coach sports and spend how HE wants to spend, but everything I do is wrong and he constantly picks on me using any of the above reasons. I am in tears constantly and love my boys and do not want to ruin everything I've sacraficed because HE has the problem. My family is very supportive and are helping me. I do hit the gym, but I also work and do the house cleaning. I am trying to be everything he wants but I feel like I will never succeed. He wants counseling because he's painted this beautiful picture of how he is perfect, disciplined and a wonderful father who coaches and works out to be healthy and he is the victim to a fat, lazy wife that spends all of his money (regardless that I am working and my job is our source of healthcare). He is very disciplined, him mother is a victim- buried two husbands and has filed bankruptcy. I am at wit's end. I have tried to spice up our sex life- he will comply after a lengthly BJ, but that's it. No initiation. Grandma pecks when he comes and goes and that's it. He isn't cheating, but does watch **** to get off. He doesn<br />
t try to hide it- he freely admits it because it's easier and faster than having sex and being with me. I married him with the kids being 4 and jumped right in. I have been begging for a baby for 5 years now. My husband has offered every excuse from finances, health care, my health to carry a baby, now finances. I got a job- finances, check. The job pays for my health care, check. I'm working out, but it's very hard, check, and now he says we can't afford it. He's 44, I'm 35. I'm risking a complicated pregnancy and birth defects the older I get. He says he'll be too old by then. My kids are 11. I could just wait for THEM to have kids because the age gap is widening. I'm bawling as I'm typing this, but I don't know what to do. In his mother's eyes, he can do no wrong. I don't want to destroy my family and leave, as my boys aleady lost one mother. I am devoted to him and my marriage, but he's killing my self-esteem. He hasn't cheated and works hard but I feel like I'm his roommate. I'm trying so hard to become what he wants, but his list just gets longer. I don't know what to do. I rarely drink- no smoking or drugs. My girlfriends who are divorced are having a hard time finding good men- many seem to have some type of past- much less that I can compete with the barbie dolls at my present weight. My girlfriend gave me the same advice about getting a man on the side; I can't envision sleeping with another man. I just wish mine would love me. Valentine's Day is coming and he said, "Why should I take you out for dinner when you eat out all week at work?".

I am mad as hell reading this
Your husband is an ignorant slob. Here he has a loving, faithful wife who took in his children -and in return he treats you like dirt-,and his mother goes along with it! Don't let him make you feel that everything is your fault.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel you. Complies if I am giving, mother thinks he can do no wrong, he has a start up so I'm the basic bread winner, no appreciation for that, only reverse psychology, to make me feel guilty about having any expectations at all, from intimacy to financial security or wanting to start a family. Uses his start up as an excuse for everything. I'm at 150lbs, maybe I was 140 when we got married, but he has definitely let himself go a lot more than I have! I hate thinking feeling this undesirable.. I hope we all find our answers soon...

I think that you cant help that you arent attracted to her anymore and if she wont fix it then it isnt your fault. I am a woman an although it hurts to hear that your weight is a problem sometimes it just needs to be said.

very sad girl: If I were you, I would do everything I could to lose the weight, and then I'd lose about 200 lbs. more by walking out on him. Good luck to you all.

Good luck. Know this you are not alone. Most men are unhappy with their sex lives in their marriage. A huge percentage of men who have thin healthy wives still are not getting laid. If it weren't for their children a huge percentage of men would walk out on their wives. I've come to the conclusion that the children are the only thing holding marriages together in the long run. That makes sense...American women although sexually liberated have very little sex with their husbands.

JB, congratulations. I am very impressed with your willingness to change, to listen to advice, to make some mature changes in your life. I believe you are now loving your wife for who she is. I am really happy for you!<br />
<br />
I was very harsh with you in my earlier comment, I felt kinda bad b/c I am usually empathetic, now I don't feel so bad, since you took my suggestions (and those of others) to heart, and things are working out very well for you.<br />
<br />
I don't know what else to say, I'm just really proud of you for taking responsibility for your own actions! I really hope and pray that you continue to love your wife and enjoy the pleasures of intimacy that marriage is intended to provide. I also hope and pray that she appreciates the changes and loves and respects you in return. But as I think you have learned, that's her deal, you can't make her.<br />
<br />
You've given me hope that the changes that I make in myself can have a positive effect, and a good sexual relationship with my wife is possible.

I am posting an update to my original story...so here goes. Let me just say that I took all your feedback (even the blunt criticism) with an open mind. I decided that I could grovel about my situation or I could make the best of it and enjoy the relationship that I had. In the last two weeks, I have now initiated sex 3x with my wife. Once she was tired (which I believe), but we had sex the other two times. Without being graphic, let me tell you how incredible she is in the sack. I don't think I could have asked for much more in a fantasy world. Perhaps it is easier with the lights out, but I still enjoyed my wife's intimacy to the fullest degree. I have given myself some ground rules to follow to help this experience along..<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
- I cannot do anything about her weight. I know she is not happy with her appearance and for whatever reason, she is not trying to lose the weight. I think she is afraid of failure. But my harping on her about it (either directly or subtly) will not change things. So I am just going to forget about it. I read the posts where husbands "reward" their wives for weight loss and it makes me sick and I do not want to be one of those guys. I am sure that since we were not having sex, she probably didn't care what she looked like anyway but she seems to be making a little bit more of an effort recently. Also, I use to get her comfort gifts like ice cream and chocolate when she was having a bad day, but I am trying to replace that with "fat-free" presents like massages or a mini shopping-spree.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
- I have pledge to have physical contact with my wife every time I see her - even if it is just from the upstairs to the downstairs. It may be just a hand on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss, but something to let her feel my touch. And I'm declaring "No Grandma Kisses!" anymore. She has given me those but only b/c she says she has not brushed her teeth, but if she gives me one in any other scenario, I still will kiss her on the mouth.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
- Helping out. Let me say that I have done far more than my share around the house, I am not a lazy husband. But I am now going over and beyond to help her with her chores. For example, I will stay up late and wash all the dishes so that when she wakes up with our daughter in tow in the morning, and that is one less thing to worry about. I also am trying to take my daughter out to the park, etc. more to give my wife some more "me" time. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-I am pledging not to get in bed and immediately pull her underwear off. Some nights, it may just be a massage or spooning, and other nights it may be the real deal! But I am promising to touch my wife in some capacity, while we are in bed. But I am showing more initiation now, when it was always her that did it in the past. I even put the dogs in the kennel the other night (since they can be a mood killer) and I think it caught her by surprise but the message was clear.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
-And finally (because I'm being candid), give the **** a break. I could look at naked women all day, but there is only one woman that I love as my wife and my daughter's mother and I need to spend more time appreciating the things I love about her.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to thank those for your input. For those that are dealing with the lack of sex in their marriage for a long time, I know you do not want my pity but I do sympathize with you and I want you to know that my visit to this site has helped me analyze my marriage. When I posted my initial message, I was almost certain my next step was to find somebody to fill in the gap for physical contact but I have realized how insignificant that would be. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was at Hooters last week watching basketball with some guys, and yes I did take a peek :), but I realized that even if one of these 20-year olds wanted to be with me, I know that was not really what I wanted. I am not about to throw away a 10 year marriage that quickly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
There is still work to be done, but I have decided to go above and beyond and make the extra effort to show my wife how much I love her - in every way possible. So far, the last two weeks have been a great experience for me and I looking for bigger and better success.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Thank you,<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
JB512

JB, you are doing the same thing to me that my husband is. He secretly enjoys the devastation I feel when he goes soft during sex with me. I believe he feels I deserve feeling worthless and ashamed because it will motivate me to lose the weight. I can tell you after 4 years of this, it has not motivated me at all. As a matter of fact it has made me obstinate because it is just another example of him trying to assert his power over me and control me. Instead of offering to do his share around the house and with the kids so I could have time to work out, or offering that I could cut my hours back at work so I could make it to a gym regularly, I get this. It is truly a smack in the face if you will. Where was he when I was gaining the stress weight?? You got it--on the couch relaxing after his hard day at work while I was making dinner, cleaning up the dishes afterward, helping with the homework and giving the children baths so we could all get up and do it again the next day. Oh and did I mention, I ALSO work. This lack of respect for me lead to sooooo much anger and resentment that I stress ate while turning this anger inward and causing deep depression within myself. Oh, and by the way while I fell asleep from exhaustion in the kids bed while putting them to sleep, he was busy looking at airbrushed images of p*rn girls and becoming addicted to his own rosy palm. If you also are looking at p*rn and ************ which I am assuming you are doing because it's not cheating ON your wife (it's just cheating her). It allows you to continue this control freakish and may I also say--selfish existence. That's what p*rn does slowly and insidiously over the years--makes a man very selfish. He doesn't even know it is happening because the process is so slow. Do you love your wife?? I am sure pleasuring her could not possibly make you lose your lunch and is a small price to pay for enjoying the comfort of a long term relationship you share with someone you love.

Hi JB,<br />
<br />
I guess I should thank you for being honest. That said, I feel compelled to share my perspective as the “rejectee”. Maybe it will help both of us; I don’t know. My husband of sixteen years started showing signs of a “low libido” (I think anything less than twice a month qualifies) early in our marriage. When he quit working and decided to go back to school, it became obvious that something was wrong. 15 times a year was his average. My complaints (perhaps not the most therapeutic given that I was only nineteen and hurt) only made him become hostile. He would either refuse to discuss it, or just make excuses. It was always something: I have to study… I wasn’t planning on that tonight… I’m too tired… I can’t get into it when you ask “like a starved rat”… on and on. <br />
<br />
At that time, I was about twenty pounds over weight, having had a child a year before. Depression hit and I lost the weight. No change. He mentioned that he would really prefer it if I had larger breasts. Like an idiot, I got implants. I can’t say that I regret it now, and certainly don’t mean to suggest that I had surgery just to appease him. But enhancing my chest did not solve the problem. I must tell you that I was twenty-three, had a perfect figure, and have always been described as strikingly beautiful. By twenty-five, severe depression was taking hold. I started drinking, overeating. I gained twenty pounds. Sex became a biannual event. My esteem was in the crapper, but everyone outside my marriage thought I was a knockout. At twenty-six I gave him four options (since he denied interest in a divorce): 1) counseling 2) Give me an explanation – gay, asexual, just not into me, whatever3) Pharmacological aids, 4) know that I’m getting a boyfriend if no change in six months. With his usual cocky, self-righteous apathy, he refused to respond to any of my options.<br />
<br />
So, I got a boyfriend. That was AMAZING. It took all of my intellectual strength to fight off the urge to marry my new boy toy. He was gorgeous, an animal in the bedroom, but dumber than a bag of hair. The relationship ended when my boyfriend started to suspect that I only wanted him for one thing. Fair enough. As I prepared to leave my marriage, my husband started to change. He became affectionate, sweet, supportive… you name it, he changed it. I was blown away. I had convinced myself that he wasn’t capable of that type of 180. Then the guilt hit. Torn, I contemplated my problem. Should I tell him? Was it too little too late? Then fate stepped in. He found out about what I’d been doing for the last year. He acted devastated. I was so confused! Why would he care? He didn’t want me for all those years. I still cooked, cleaned, and brought in a second income. I almost assumed he’d be relieved to get his “starved rat” off his back. Wrong? <br />
<br />
Seeing his grief, and considering his recent changes, I stayed. I digested months of ups and downs as he went through the throws of coping with my affair. I packed on another twenty turmoil pounds. At his urging, we had another child. Ten more pounds found a home. Guess I don’t have to tell you where we are now. Fifty pounds above my ideal weight, and the marriage is in shambles. He swears it’s just because of how I look, but I don’t believe that anymore. He was ignoring me when I was younger, hotter, and a lot more loyal, so I just don’t buy it. Why don’t I just get off my *** and workout? Because it makes me feel WORSE. Yes, I look better, but I feel like a f@#ing puppet. What’s more, every time I come in under 160 lbs, men start coming after me. That is, of course, except for him. I have yo-yo’d from my now all-time high of 170 lbs, down to 150lbs, and back up three times in three 36 months. <br />
<br />
Last year he promised that if I just lost weight again, even a third of what I could really stand to lose, he’d be interested again as his “standards” are more mature now. What a crock. I’m safe now at 170lbs. Being heavier means I don’t have to worry about being unfaithful (which I swore I’d never revisit). It means I don’t wind up drinking a bottle of wine and crying myself to sleep because everyone noticed I’d lost twenty pounds but him. It means I can focus on the people who love me regardless of my size. And it means I have more time for working on attaining financial independence, since money is the ONLY thing keeping me with him at this point. <br />
<br />
What does he do for sex? At the minimum, he *********** and feeds on porns featuring woman with Barbie doll figures. That’s what he needs, right? A skewed visual diet consisting of bodies only made possible by cocaine. Is he having an affair? I doubt it, but don’t really care. The two he admitted to having BEFORE he started college 12 years ago, didn’t end well. Besides, it wouldn’t change anything. I’m certainly not with him because of his fabulous morals. Do you have anything in common with him? Does your wife have anything in common with me? I can’t say that I understand his major malfunction, but here is what I do know: 1) He has always been unusually selfish in every way with everyone. 2) He fancies himself a tremendous catch. 3) He is generally extremely pessimistic. 4) He has an amazing knack for blaming everyone else for his problems 5) His mother is denial’s child, and has many mental issues 6) He seldom admits to being wrong and has apologized (to anyone) maybe two times in his adult life. 7) He is highly critical, judgmental, and insecure. 8) He is exceptionally analytical and fabulous with pattern recognition in areas outside of love and marriage 8) He has incredible personal discipline. 9) He is a loving father. 10) What he lacks in book smarts, he makes up for in “outside the box” thinking. <br />
<br />
I don’t know why your wife won’t try. I hope it’s not related to a vicious cycle of despair, depression, and disbelief as mine seems to be. And I cannot, without knowing you, accuse you of being wrong. Your feelings are not for me to cast judgment upon; they are merely interesting to me as I am living with someone who, like you, swears that visual repulsion is the only sexual issue. But let me share what scares me about the superficial thing: I can change how I look. And when I’m safe to do so, I certainly will. Can I or anyone else feel safe with someone who is only able to love their partner when the aesthetics are satisfactory? What happens when looks fade related to aging? Related to illness? Related to injury? I wonder if that haunts your wife as it haunts me. When I look at my husband, all I see is a child who doesn’t deserve me at any weight. And though I’ll never again cheat, I WILL leave him soon. Allow me to quote Sting, who lyrically warned in Set Them Free, “If you don’t love her your best friend will”.

You know my husband told me the same thing and I lost 90 lbs and we still aren't having sex so go figure. He told me he now wants me at my college weight. WTF I think he is just grasping at straws and I am at the weight I was when we met.

I have rarely heard of such selfish, conditional love. You asked for feedback “what to do”. I say, grow up. A little maturity might go a long way. Try loving your wife for who she is, not how many pounds she weighs.<br />
<br />
I am absolutely flabbergasted that any person of either gender would refuse to make love to their spouse because of weight gain. I don’t know how much weight my wife has gained – probably more than 50 pounds. Her weight does not affect my love for her and does not affect my desire to be with her sexually and does not affect my desire to please her sexually. <br />
<br />
I erased the rest of my comments, they were not nice.

I heard similar comments from my wife. I am the guy who gained weight during our marriage, and have had so much difficulty loosing it. Eating has become a way to comfort myself because of all the things I miss from my marriage. Not that it is all to blame, but it holds a big peice. My wife told me she was not interested in my sexually since I gained weight, so I worked hard and ate better and lost about 60lbs, nothing changed, and our sex frequency never improved. Needless to say I gained the weight back, and am faced with the same sexlessness situation. It does not only hurt the women when their spouses tell them they don't find them attractive anymore because of their weight. I felt so very wounded by those words.

MNscooter, what you said is so true. It's totally in the same league, just as devastating. <br />
<br />
It can just as equally be true, but somehow, I think in the final analysis, telling those kinds of 'truths' are going to be one of the selfish things we regret on our deathbeds.

Thanks for the comments. As far as encouragement, I want to be supportive without being overly obnoxoius and patronizing to her. So I am not going to give her a "treat" to reward her like a pet, unless she specifically wanted some type of motivation. I am not waiting for her to lose 60 lbs, I would just like her to try and she hasn't.

Can someone unserstand JB512?<br />
I am in the same situation with my husband....<br />
I didn't gain as much weight as JB's wife, but my husband says that he is simply not attracted to me anymore...<br />
<br />
On one end, i still feel attractive, and men are still interested in me, without sounding too arrogant, i am quite pretty ( when i was thinner i wasn't able to walk in the street without people staring and making comments)<br />
<br />
When i got married i was thin and beautiful. I am now still pretty but am now about 15 kilos heavier.<br />
<br />
I always knew that my husband is not attracted to fat women. <br />
My husband says that that i am being unfair on him as i am not doing anything to lose the weight.<br />
<br />
I can't stop thinking that maybe he has got a point? am i being fair on him?<br />
<br />
I tried to lose the weight but i am not doing very well, i am also not happy to start a family with a husaband that would dump/not have sex with me because of my weight.<br />
<br />
If i lose 15 KG and then put it on doing pregnancy will i be dumped with my new born baby? I think that in a marriage we need to have some sort of security.<br />
<br />
And JB 512, what did YOU do to encourage your wife? not good enough to say lose 6o pounds and then we will have sex, have you thought about a motivation plan?<br />
<br />
I told my husband that i would lose the weight if after every 10 pounds i will get " rewarded" by his love, but he refused.....

Just so that you know you are not alone, I am a female and I too have a major issue with not finding my mate of 8 years attractive anymore since his gaining weight. It just really has become a sore subject I don't want to send a blow to his ego and admit why I absolutely hate sex with him. It is uncomfortable as I feel smooshed and less able to breathe or his overwhelming sweat in the hot summer making it an absolute turn off. Then there is the fact that I am a mother, with a stressful job and all of the school/sports/activities to take care of but still find the time to take care of myself. Meanwhile he does much less in the childrearing arena and never relieves me from mommyhood and still will not make the time to jump on a treadmill or pick up a weight consistently. I would rather be celibate than to have a sexual relationship with him in this state. I love the stability and the friendship factor this relationship provides but the sex yea not at all.

A marriage is compromise and it is not fair for anyone to put those standards on someone. Someone may be skinnier or something, but lacking in another area. You are still beautiful, so don't think you are not. It is not fair to have these regulations put on you. If he does to you, you can do it to him, but a marriage should be compromise and understanding of who someone is. Stress just adds resentment and weight. You should do what makes you happy and if he won't touch you, screw him. There are so many more better "men" out there that don't rely on what they see in **** as their ideal mate! Love yourself and feel beautiful!!

A female friend of mine who weighs about 280 LB was told by her husband that he just couldn't stand looking at her nude ( at one time in an argument he called her a fat pig) well she cut off all sex and relations whith him ..they are staying married because " Of the Kids" she says ..Really I think like many of us there is just too much invested both in money and emotions to seperate. She sleeps downstairs in room that was oldest son's ( He's in college) and husband sleeps upstairs..she's had several affairs more to build self estem than anything ( and no I'm not one!) I don't know what this has to do with your situation except to say it is very hard for a woman to hear that even if true. My friend says like telling a man Your Di*k is just too smal for me to be turned on!

280 lbs! Holy mother of god....that is horrible! That's like 2 1/2 times a hot chick.

No, the correct analogy would be the woman telling the man that he's TOO FAT.

The correct analogy for a man's di*k being too small is that the woman's p*ssy is too big.

Nope, she's right. It's like saying your **** is too small. Because weight &amp; looks are as important to us as your **** is to you. You friggin' dumbass.

Surely you can see that while di*k size is basically unchangeable and beyond one's control, being obese is not. No one ever purposefully shrunk their manhood. If someone important to me asked that I could change something and it was not only in my power, but in my own best interests to do so, I think I would.

You're really weight obsessed aren't you? How fat are you? How much do you weigh?

1 More Response

My first husband told me that he ran around on me because of my weight gain (which was about 10 lbs). He didn't "cut me off" sex though. It devastated me so that I became anorexic. I hope you know what your doing.