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Is This How She's Felt For The Past Ten Years?

For the first ten years, it was pretty standard fare. I wanted, and she refused. I wanted desperately, I tried everything and anything. I really loved her, and wanted things to work at any cost. I couldn't understand why things weren't happening. How could she not reciprocate? How could her style of love be so different?
A little more than a year ago I started to give up. I started to withdraw from my wife a bit more and focus on myself. About six months ago I stopped any attempts at initiating sex, intimacy or touching. More recently, I was surprised to discover that I no longer found my wife attractive. For the first time since I met her, I couldn't think of her in a sexual way. Yes, technically she was still attractive. All her attributes were the same, physically nothing had changed, but I just couldn't see her as "attractive" anymore.
Now it's easy to go without sex with her because I no longer find her attractive. I broke the habit. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized I was now as detached and uninterested in her sexually as she'd behaved for our whole marriage. Wow. I finally found out why she hasn't been interested in me all these years, I finally know how she feels. This has been a HUGE turning point for me. She really never loved me the way I loved her, the way I needed to be loved. I'm angry that she just didn't tell me that she felt this way. Why did she lie and make excuses all these years? That one I may never figure out, and as is often said here, the "why" does not matter. Experiencing this feeling of relative indifference to her has been enlightening, and will be a key element in moving forward.
Your refuser really doesn't love you. If you can't get your head around it, try thinking of a relative (brother or sister) and the feeling that you have for them is pretty close to what your refuser feels for you. It seems simple and obvious now, but I just wasn't getting it before. So wonder they avoid sex with you at all costs! There's nothing to fix here.
Your sexless marriage isn't a case of them inadequately expressing how they feel about you, it's a case of them expressing exactly how they feel about you.
TW
TheWendigo TheWendigo 36-40, M 277 Responses Jun 29, 2011

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TW, <br />
My story almost didn't make it here. I logged in and wrote about half of that and stopped to do some other things. I came back to finish and clicked "post." I didn't notice that I was no longer logged in - there must be a period of inactivity that triggers an automatic logout. I was back to a blank "add your comment" box and I could see that my entry hadn't been posted. After a few moments of disappointment, I hit the browser's back button a few times and I got back to a screen that still contained what I wrote. It let me log in and post it. I'm glad that it got here. I didn't think I'd be writing that a second time.<br />
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I wish all good things for you. <br />
<br />
Myfaultofcourse.

I've had the same thing happen a few times, but not always fortunate enough to get it back! I'm glad it came through, would have been a shame if it had been lost. Thanks, and I wish you well also. TW

A big thank you to everyone posting...<br />
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yep me too in sexless marriage, and it's my fault. I am angry with him over a few things. I have told him, and I've told him that affects the way I feel about him sexually. For 8 years, nothing changes.<br />
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To be fair, we have been under an abnormal amount of stress with a once thriving 5 million dollar company going bankrupt - and all the time and energy we sunk into saving it. Now, still under pressure from the receiver, and repayment on the loan that was secured by our home.<br />
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We used to have mind blowing sex before all that. I do love him, and the way he is picking up the slack right now as I am basically burned out. I was the one running the company and running myself into the ground. <br />
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In short we are in a physical, emotional and financial recovery of our life, and divorce would only increase the complexity of an already difficult situation. I hope when all this over, that our love life will return, but if I'm honest, it won't just come back by itself. Something has to happen, we have to do something. And from my side, I really want my issues addressed because for me it is the signal that he doesn't care about us...<br />
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I am not a woman that plays games or has unrealistic expectations. To most people that know us, I carry 60-70% of the family responsiblity until just a few months ago when I basically collapsed.<br />
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Anyone else gone through this and have wisdom to share?<br />
<br />
h

This sounds like me exactly. I was always chasing, planning, scheming, imitating, and seducing. Nothing, we blame the "blood pressure" meds, but the truth be told it's that he doesn't want me, because he is able to perform for virtual encounters and flirt and respond to other women. I am nothing more than a paycheck that helps raise his kids and my son. I decided in 3 years when my child is out of high school I am out of here. What a relief to finally be free of the obligation. Though I am still having other conflicts when it pertains to him. Thank you for seeing what I couldn't for so long.

Wow... I'm so glad I found this site. I can't believe there are so many people like me. Married my husband, after getting pregnant. Not in love, but scared and embarrassed and no real options. I felt anyway at that time. Marriage has been all one sided... back in the early days, sex was really all we had. In the last 10 yrs or so, it's been nearly nonexistent. In the last 2.5 not at all. I am not the least bit interested in him, for so many reasons. I wish I could get up the nerve to talk to him about it... or move out... at least leave the bedroom. I know I'm not completely innocent, I have not even tried to do anything either. I can't fake it anymore. Miserable.. just tired 50... and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. We're nice to each other... cordial... friends but not even close friends. Since there's no communication either!!

She is lucky wife but she do not know, a woman who has a husband still sees her as sexual wish and want to make intimate love with her and she doesn't show interest. i wish if i were your wife ,,,, you will get all the affection you needed from me, am in a completely different life ,,,, my man to be like to give me warm hug and **** me ,,,,, but he can not afford to do that.

"A little more than a year ago I started to give up. I engaged in some inappropriate relationships, started to withdraw from my wife a bit more and focus on myself. About six months ago I stopped any attempts at initiating sex, intimacy or touching. More recently, I was surprised to discover that I no longer found my wife attractive."<br />
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This is what I did and it was great. The 'inappropriate realtionship' went on for over 5 years on a purely sad and Platonic level. Now 'the other woman' is gone! Where do I go from here? I don't want to lose my kids who are the best little boys and girl imaginable. My life is become like a ship without a rudder.

You know what, the only right and moral thing for people like us is to get together and help each other out of this misery. We should try and understand each other because we are cheated out of the love and intimacy that we so thoroughly desired and deserved. I just want to love a woman. This is not about sex or *******. It is about accepting AND being accepted, loving AND being loved. I can live without sex but I can't live without loving and being loved.

Amen Brother.

Welll, come on man. Isn't that why you're here? I want all that too but the reason I left her is I couldn't live without love AND I couldn't live without sex. What a waste of a life.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. Unlike some of you, I don't feel much anger or animosity. Some, but not much. In many ways things are good between us, our life together and our family are great. Most of the time I just accept things pretty well. But it gets to me sometimes, like about now. <br />
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We're at about 1x/ month now & in our mid 40's. Not as bad as some, but not good. As with many of you, the frequency is only part of it. There's plenty of other things. I once paid attention and realized that- apart from goodbye pecks in the morning- she didn't initiate a kiss with me for about 1 1/2 years. What's weird is that in the last year when we are together, at times she's generally more responsive & into it than she had been in the past. On the other hand, if I don't push the issue, it doesn't happen and although she's not really mean about it, she makes it clear that it's only happenning because she feels obligated, and yeah I guess its been a while, Ok, etc.<br />
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The kids are getting a little older and lately she's been going to bed before them. This is probably the way it'll be for quite a while, which likely means once a month will soon become something else. <br />
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So I'm on the edge of going from not good to non existant. I can see and feel it happenning. I suppose I should bring up the subject and talk about it. We talked about it a couple of times several years ago. After the talk, she'll be somewhat more receptive (out of guilt and obligation) and that'll last for a month or so, but then its back to (ab)normal.. <br />
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It sucks. Nothing I can really do about it. Then again, there is much real sufferring in the world and here I am being a little crybaby over this, which can't really be described as sufferring.<br />
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And around and around it goes in my head. .I wish I could just stop thinking about it. I'm not going to break up the family over this, and its not going to change. Why can't I just accept it?

You can't accept it because it's not acceptable. This is almost always the straw that breaks the back. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands of stories documenting how the tapering off of sex has lead to ruin. Your sex drive is biological, and it can't be ignored forever. She's got you in a space where even you marginalize these needs. It is absolutely suffering, and if you don't believe me now, you will in a few years. It's like holding your breath; it takes no attention at first, but soon it moves to the forefront of your mind and finally you must let it out. Be careful about what happens when finally you exhale.

You're not being a crybaby and you can't accept it because nobody should have to except it. I was in your shoes once. But it's only going to get worse. You will go from not feeling much anger &amp; animosity to more &amp; more frequent periods of feeling that, along with bitterness, resentment, and wondering what is wrong with you. It's not you, it's her. A classic refuser. You will get miserable and start to really really dislike it and your quality of life will gradually get worse due to the increasing stress you will be under. You will come home from work and feel a shot of anxiety through your body, just knowing you'll be stuck in that house of gloom for the night. So unless this is how you want your life to be, do what I did (without any real "Exit strategy", and just leave. I've been gone a year now and I am a new man. I see my kids 50% of the time, and it's great. At least now I am in a proper stress free state of mind that I am fun to be around them, and I think they enjoy me a lot more. If I had stayed, I guarantee I would be a future heart attack or nervous breakdown victim. And how good of a father would I be in one of those positions? Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Good luck!

I, as many of you have stated, relate completely with the story. I have been married for 17 years and the relationship has turned into one of convenience and basically servitude on my end with no reciprocation and definitely no intimacy from my wife. I am frustrated and hurt by constant rejection. While my sex drive is through the roof, I do not expect that my wives be, just simply desire the intimacy that I expect from a marriage. Sex once a week is fine with me, hell even every other week, but as it currently sits, I have not had sex for nearly two months at this point and the very mention of it makes my wife angry. I am not perfect and have, through the course of trying to figure out why she does not desire me, have questioned her fidelity. Rationally, I feel I was wrong to do so and it really made my road a rocky one as she took that ball and ran with it, now using it as an excuse to not be intimate. I have two children and I love them more than anything in the world. I know how devastated they would be if my wife and I no longer were married. I am trying my best to be the man I should be for this family but my patience is nearing a breaking point. I would love to save my marriage, but if it is over would love to just hear that. However, I don't think that even if it were my wife would ever say it was. She is finishing college, about to embark on a new career, know that I love her and knows that I will provide for my family all the while doing nice things for her and carrying our family emotionally and financially. I find your take on situations like mine may be very true, but I don't really want to feel like it is over and we have to go our separate ways. I am just lost as to a solution that results in me both being happy and still married. I love my wife, that really is the ****** part of all of this. If I didn't this would be easy. I feel like, meeting the right person that could fulfill my desire for sex would be dangerous, maybe helpful, but would require me to go against many of the ideals I have about how a married man should behave, but I have needs, want her to fulfill them and she won't. Another question would be does that warrant me cheating simply to get those needs met? Would that make me a horrible person for doing so?

Is she not cheating you out of the promise she made "to have and to hold...." I wouldn't even consider it cheating as afterall, sex is a basic need. I cheated towards the end of mine and didn't feel 1% guilty. And I believe it was because the marriage was over, and had been for years. So how could I be cheating on something that doesn't exist? Idk, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.

I can see that rationalization. Funny how these deep rooted concepts about morality and being faithful tug at you when your in difficult situation that may be much easier if you could just forget about them. I still equate being a good man with being honest and faithful. But in retrospect in may be her who has been dishonest and unfaithful. I am not the same person I was before and my response to my relationship is the reason. I will work on changing my views and not so quickly I feel I am out of control. Thank you for your response. It helps to hear others point of view.

You know, trash is good way explain how I feel at times. Never thought I would end up in this position! Thanks for the comment.

Roryshonn,<br />
Don't assume that you know how your children would react to a split. There is plenty of evidence to support the possibility that it would have little or no negative impact. Don't project your rationalizations on their reality. <br />
I think you should very carefully consider the feelings you have toward your wife. You say you love her, but that's reflexive, especially for someone who identifies so strongly with the role of father and husband, a family man. ***** away what you think you know, and then what do you feel? Where do guilt and obligation fit into those feelings? How do you truly love someone in a way that is not reciprocated? Unrequited love is not really love at all.

I may sincerly never get married, alright so i have one question wth happened? I just dont understand prior to marriage there must have been sex, lust and "love" right? So when did it go away and why? Because i have a very sexually active relationship with a girl i have been in and out of like for four years or so and we split and then got back in our whatever we have and she has mentioned marriage and i have often considered it. Me and her work night shifts often she works six nights a week, i only work three so we dont see each other for more than hours a day and most of that is sleeping unless we have a day together than its a sex fest, but if she becomes my bride statistically speaking i may never hit that again and that would force me to cheat and i dont want to be that guy! But im a gemini and so is she so lust is only a part of our nature and if we want it we get it end of story.

I may sincerly never get married, alright so i have one question wth happened? I just dont understand prior to marriage there must have been sex, lust and "love" right? So when did it go away and why? Because i have a very sexually active relationship with a girl i have been in and out of like for four years or so and we split and then got back in our whatever we have and she has mentioned marriage and i have often considered it. Me and her work night shifts often she works six nights a week, i only work three so we dont see each other for more than hours a day and most of that is sleeping unless we have a day together than its a sex fest, but if she becomes my bride statistically speaking i may never hit that again and that would force me to cheat and i dont want to be that guy! But im a gemini and so is she so lust is only a part of our nature and if we want it we get it end of story.

I'm in a 3 year long relationship with a woman I love very much. We're both in our early 20's and both live at home with our folks. We stay over at each others houses on a regular basis and are very much in love. The problem is that, unless I initiate things, they don't happen. Very often, they don't happen anyway. We try to pretend its because the walls are thin and we don't want to wake anyone. But ever since I started working as a teacher after university, I haven't been in as good a shape as I could be - I've stopped running, from sheer exhaustion during the week, and marking at weekends, and have gained some weight. I'm starting to think that she just isn't into me any more. Like someone said before, she hasn't initiated even kiss with me in over a year, and the last time we had sex was once, 3 months ago, whilst we were on holiday. I know that some people just aren't overly affectionate, but I feel that at our ages, things should be more than just lukewarm, at best. I love her so much- we've talked of marriage, moving in together once we have found a place, but even that has taken a back seat of late. I just have no idea what to do any more. I feel so close to giving up. On the other hand, I feel that things will go back to the way they were before if only we could get our own place. I don't want to go from a loving relationship to a platonic one of convenience. And I honestly mean no disrespect to anyone in that position.

DO NOT MARRY HER!!! I strongly recommend you rewrite this as a story of your own. You will probably be sad to hear it, but the unanimous position of ANYONE who has been through a sexless marriage is "do NOT ignore the red flags"!!!

Give up. She does not love you and both of you know it. You kids are too young to get married anyway. If you are going to play house, at the very least, you should own a house. Who the hell are you kidding??

My ex didn't initiate ever!. Not it the 3 years before we got married, nor the 19 after we got married. So dude, it ain't going to get any better. Run!

Heyyoitsjo,<br />
Enna is 100% right on this (she usually is). DO NOT MARRY HER. What you describe is a classic 'red flag' that the rest of us missed. Whenever it becomes an issue of having an excuse, any excuse, not to have sex, then there may be trouble brewing. When someone wants something, they will create an excuse to do it. <br />
When "lets have sex, we can be really quiet and it's better than nothing" becomes "let's not have sex, someone might hear us. We'll do it later.", you need to have a very honest conversation with your partner. It sounds petty, and perhaps it's nothing, but take it from hundreds of us when we say you had better pay serious attention to sorting it out one way or the other. Lots of folks would benefit reading your story, please post it up as an experience in the group.<br />
TW

Thanks for the feedback guys (and gals)! I will most likely post this seperately in the next few days, thanks for the advice :)<br />
I'm going to be honest with you though; I never wanted to be that guy who ends a relationship because he isn't getting any. I was a late bloomer, and have had girls finish with me for that reason in the past. I tell you: it hurts, and it's unpleasant. Even if she never told a soul why we split, I'd still forever know myself that I put my body's needs over how my heart felt. I know it's a bit old fashioned, but I just can't help but think that that would make me a bad person.<br />
I'm going on tour with my band in a few days; we'll be on the road for a month, so we'll be apart at least that long, and being in a different country will mean that we won't talk very often. With any luck, she'll have time to think over things whilst I'm away and see how things fall out when I get back. I think the time apart will do us some good, if nothing else. <br />
<br />
Thank you, again :)<br />
<br />
Jo xx

With any luck, you'll find some initiators while on tour with your band!

I have been married for 16 years. In the beginning the sex was great but I think I was just blinded by love at the time. A few years after we were married I started to realize the sex was awful. It started to be a routine and throughout the years it diminished. We have not had sex/physical contact for 3 years now. I have absolutely zero desire to have sex with him. <br />
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My friends ask me constantly why am I still with him. I do everything and he ONLY contributes financially. We have a beuatiful 10 year old son and it kills me that he doesn't have the father he should have. One that says come on let's go play soccer, basketball... The truth is financially I can not make it on my own and I am afraid to be alone. I want to be in a loving relationship more than anything. I have so much love to give but just not the right person to share it with. I ask myself all the time, is this how I am gooing to live the rest of y life? I am only 40. <br />
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So sad

WOW! Sooooo many of pretty much the same stories. It does help a bit to know you are not alone in this. The years and years of pain, agony, suffering, some quiet and low, others raging.<br />
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My story is long. Married 18 years, two kids. First 5 years with no kids were great. Sexual withdrawal started after fist child. Had next child three years later, sex for a couple times in a few weeks for that conception (a very rare thing at that point). Then, back to almost nothing. Was "bothering" her for sexual intimacy a few times each month for years. One time, tried an experiment to see how long she would go - three months without. When she finally did approach me in bed, she had no comment or surprise about the time that had passed.<br />
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Kids are preteens now and about 10 more years until college. Sex is somewhere between 6 and 10 times per year (I think - not really keeping track anymore). It is somewhat shocking and repulsive when it occurs due to the unbelievable dry spells between. However, I take it because I really want something, even this cruelly withheld "handout". <br />
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We are both physically fit. She is still very attractive, I have much less hair on the head but have not changed that much. Sex situation has remained the same throughout job changes and moves.<br />
<br />
There have been some significant "revelation" steps in the last 10 years: <br />
<br />
1. Went to some counselling. Counselor said 'No Sex" - actually a HUGE relief - It took the agony and rejection away and allowed me to view her as a roommate without the possibility of sex. That took a massive amount of pain and suffering off my shoulders. Now just have low level sadness and mourning the loss of what was once a great passionate relationship.<br />
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2. She goes immediately defensive and divorce/I don't love you talk when I try to discuss our relationship. Then nothing changes. After many years of this, I am beginning to realize it is a tactic to shut me up and leave our marriage on passionless autopilot, which is most likely exactly where she wants it to be. <br />
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3. Started finding sites on the internet with Men and Women going through the same problems. I was amazed to see just as many women with this issue, thought it was more of a mans issue. Soooo sad that we could not be sex-drive matched BEFORE marriage.<br />
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4. Started to focus on and do things that I am interested in to take my mind off the loss of passionate marriage. Cycling, Learn Guitar, Construction Projects, Audio Design Projects.<br />
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5. Found this thread - many great insightful comments and realizations. (SHE IS) EXPRESSING EXACTLY HOW (SHE) FEELS ABOUT YOU! WOW, very powerful.....another interesting comment is that marriages with low sex tend to be much less fulfilling - kind of going against those that say they like the couple-times-a-year-thing.<br />
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I will probably make a few more attempts through the years as see opportunities or get to another crisis section of our relationship. This thread might give me a boost to try again and focus this try on how exactly it is that she loves me.<br />
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This year she started asking me why I don't seem happy.....not sure what to say about that. Sometimes, it makes me laugh at the absurdity of the question, other times, it just makes me more sad.<br />
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To The Young People and No Kids People - Not sure how you find a sex-drive matched soulmate. But I can tell you the sexless suffering is almost unbearable for years upon years, so think hard about your future life before you have kids with that person.

Hey all, <br />
First time poster, I have read a few of the tales here and WOW ....and yikes! The above post was rather scary. My "Name" is DB and I guess I am in a sexless marrige, I am a 30 year old male and I am still in love and attracted to my wife. I hound her for sex and other affection's often but usually to no avail. I fear my wife might feel the same way as the poster above and this crushes me and angers me. I know that the "Spark" seems to be gone and we have been having problems for years but nothing like the last few months. My wife does not want to kiss me unless I ask for a kiss or make it happen. I fear that my wife in not attracted to my body or my personalty. I can't understand her feelings in full becuase she often does not wan't to talk about it with me or sometimes at all. The state that we currently are in is awful, I am sleeping on the couch every night last 3 weeks or more( lost track) We have not made love in months. I worry that the longer she and I go without affection we will be falling out of love all together.<br />
<br />
Am I in denial that my wife is still in love with me? <br />
Is there thing I can do to win her back?<br />
<br />
DB - Hurt, Confused and Angry

Hi DB.

My two cents: I hope you do not have kids yet. If you do not have kids, then you are still at a point in life where this can be addressed. Talk it out with her, explain that you want to have an intimate relationship with her. Try things like writing little notes to each other about what you want/desire, in and out of the bedroom. Give it a chance, let it settle into her head. If there has been no "permanent" improvement after a few weeks or months, then have the discussion again and set the walkout deadline.

If you do end up leaving her, I do not know what the chances of meeting the right, "intimately compatible" woman is. But, I do know that loosing the decade of your 30's to a sexless marriage is traumatic and will remove a large chunk of your soul such that you become indifferent, withdrawn, and "beaten down" in your 40's.

I had put the following as a comment to unwant at the end of page 8 but I thought I would share it as a seperate common to the entire thread because, well, I feel like sharing now since I was a victim of what this thread is about. Now I am happy. So, unwant had asked why can't he just accept the way his refusing wife is, and I replied:<br />
<br />
You're not being a crybaby and you can't accept it because nobody should have to accept it. I was in your shoes once. But it's only going to get worse. You will go from not feeling much anger & animosity to more & more frequent periods of feeling that, along with bitterness, resentment, and wondering what is wrong with you. It's not you, it's her. A classic refuser. You will get miserable and start to really really dislike it and your quality of life will gradually get worse due to the increasing stress you will be under. You will come home from work and feel a shot of anxiety through your body, just knowing you'll be stuck in that house of gloom for the night. So unless this is how you want your life to be, do what I did (without any real "Exit strategy", and just leave. I've been gone a year now and I am a new man. I see my kids 50% of the time, and it's great. At least now I am in a proper stress free state of mind that I am fun to be around them, and I think they enjoy me a lot more. If I had stayed, I guarantee I would be a future heart attack or nervous breakdown victim. And how good of a father would I be in one of those positions? Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Good luck! <br />
<br />
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
So I would consider myself a success story here in this group. Not for fixing my sexless marriage, but for realizing that it wasn't going to get fixed, because my ex didn't even see it as a problem. She would need extensive therapy which she repeatedly refused for about 15 years until the night I left. I was married for 19 years, we were together for 22. The biggest eye opener of the entire experience for me, was realizing I had "wasted" so many years where I could have had happy, instead of miserable years. I did get two amazing kids out of the deal, but that's the only good thing to come from staying with her.

Three cheers! Your right on target!

Hi i have been reading this post and see my life but i do love ny husband but i think it would different if he would help out a bit im always stressed cuz of the kids and he just wants to get it in for a woman to feel sexy and ready to go for it her mind must ve clear of all bullshit and distractions i am always tired for sex when i used to be ready at anytime and that makes me sick why should i have to take care of business myself when i have a perfectly attractive sexy loving horny husband if he would just deal with the kids from five till bedtime while i wind down then **** i think it would be back to were it all began none of this post may not make sense to anyone but it felt goos letting it out now i just wish i could tell him

Periods please!!!!! Can't read it. WTF?

Make up some cards with sex favors on one side and help favors on the other - tell him you have X amount of energy and he Gets to choose how you spend it - he can put the kids to bed in exchange for shower sex or whatever - you can't do it all - if he helped out a bit more he'd be less horny and more tired - trade him sex for help- Quid pro quo - its what all good marriages are built on :_)

You are dead on - my husband started abusing me verbally on our honeymoon - the words "f&*^%ing b*&CH" became synonomous with love and sex - i turned off then and there - I went through the motions of young marriage sex, usually at my initiation, for two years until our 3 children were born and realized he never asked for it ever - this added to the relief I would feel - 12 years later when nearly 9 months or more would go by without even the mention of sex I asked him why he never wanted it - he told me psychologically I was unattractive to him - I realized that this truism was something he had felt a long time which was what was behind the abuse - and his never wanting sex from me - I think he only wanted me because all other other men found me very attractive - I was sort of a prize - a doll in a box he never really wanted to play with. I went to a counselor and in a couple of sessions realized that I was not angry at the lack of sex, but at the principle of the issue. Also, I realized something about me - I would do anything sexually he ever wanted or asked for or didn't ask for - but kiss him. I absolutely hated kissing him and wouldn't avoid it at all costs - does this make me the victim of abuse or the abuser?

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Please bear with me; English is not my first language. I am a 42 y.old woman, married for 10 years. I have known my husband for more than 20 years. We met as teenagers and fell deeply in love. He moved away and we lost contact for about 8 years. Then, we met again and fell in love (again...). He is a wonderful guy and he has always been. Around the time we got married 10 years ago, we were having sex maybe 3 to 4 times per month. We have always been very loving; lots of touching, lots of kissing even if the sex was not super frequent. After the birth of our daughter 8 years ago, I lost all of the 50 pounds I had gained during pregnancy. I came back to my 'normal' feminine and well-groomed girl state quite rapidly. I noticed then that I was always the one initiating intimacy. He would kiss and hug me many times a day, however. I bought new sexy underwear, new clothes and did everything to make myself even prettier. The years have went by and it has gotten worse and worse. I cannot remember the time we had sex...2 months ? 3 months ? Over the past few years, I have gone to bed alone, crying at times. He is a good listener and very caring so many times I explained my sadness to him and I tried to find out why this was happening. I never got a clear answer. I clearly stated to him that intimacy was very important for me and that I needed it in my life. A few months ago, I explained this to him again. I said how tired I was of waiting for sex...and that over the past years, I have always been the one initiating it. We sleep in different bedrooms since he snores. I have gone to his room a million times just to be rejected (I am tired, etc...). About 3-4 months ago, I had a serious talk with him. I told him I would stop initiating sex, as I was tired of being rejected or being the one chasing after him all the time. I clearly explained my needs calmly. This has not made any difference. The other day, I was getting out of the convenience store and he told me 'I saw how these 2 guys were looking at you'...I replied that I had not noticed this. He said 'you are a pretty girl you know '. It's too bad this is not enough to tempt him into having sex with me anymore. I am a super good mom, I am educated (6 years of university) and I bring a very good salary to our household. I am always kind and patient with my daughter and I treat his parents like they are mine. Basically, I do everything I should be doing 'as a good wife'. A few months ago, one of my girlfriends told me ' wow, you look so good...your husband must tell you how pretty you are right ? ' I replied 'no...he does not'. My husband is a very tender human being, he is respectful and if you take out the sex part, he has always been extremely good to me. He has always been supportive of my projects and my goals in life, and he is the best dad my daughter could ask for. What I am to do now ? How long should I stand this ? I feel like the love we have together now is just like brother/sister (even like twins, as we are very close otherwise). I feel like having a double life now, as I cannot believe I am only 42 and life will be like this for another..20, 30 years ? I do not want to screw up our family life. But now, I look at him and I am starting to loose interest in what he has to say; this has never happened before. It's like I don't care anymore, even if he is nice with me. A moment ago, I was sitting on the couch and he kissed me good night. He climbed up the stairs and went to bed. Why not take me by the hand and lead me to his room ? Nope. There we go again. So I am here writing this post instead.

i find many similarities with you girl1969. i am also 42, born in 1969, living the same double life as you. he's a good father to our children, we do all the family things like nice vacations, he's very "surface level" considerate to me, but we've struggled with sexlessness and become emotionally distanced from each other for a very long time. this most recent dry spell of 3.5 years (we had a baby) is a lot to bear. i also have communicated my concerns and needs only to have him promise to change and then quickly return to the same cycle again. he's on a trip right now and i asked him to think about whether he can live the next 10 or 20 yrs continuing on like this. and to suggest what our next step should be. the thought of screwing up our daughters' lives is heart wrenching as well. i know how hard it is when girlfriends talk that way and you literally have NOTHING to contribute.... when i got pregnant with my 3rd, my friend said she could too if her husband came home for lunch sometimes. sadly, mine will only have sex at night and only after i have the talk with him, i think he doesit to avoid conflict, and once a yr is not really what i call regularly. so sad, let's be friends : ) another person in a brother/sister relationship. too bad i don't need another brother as i already have one.

girl1969...get out while you still can. I'm in the same situation. Giving it year after year, thinking 'it'll get better'. It doesn't. If you want a physical relationship with your life partner...get out now.

I am curious about all this. I was led here thinking I'd find others' success stories to inspire me. What I found depresses me instead. Though I didn't read all the comments I'd like to share my story. My wife has been in poor health most of our marriage - over 25 years. The drain of kids, job, etc. just took a lot out of her. Anything left was not usually in the physical intimate department. Though I've been certainly frustrated, as the healthier of the two - I rarely doubt she would be interested more if she were healthy. We also have many other interests in common so we do interact in ways other than sexual.<br />
Bottom line - it's not been easy - working through this I've said some things that I believe really hurt her trying to understand why we couldn't have a better sex life. But, and this is a BIG but...I feel she truly loves me and I her. So...I wouldn't dream of straying nor ending the marriage. It is what it is...not what I wanted in the sexual department, but satisfying in other ways. Does this strike a chord with any of you?<br />
David in MA

David, we all came here looking for success stories. Unfortunately we all have the same kind of success in mind (fixing the relationship) and that success is only an oasis on the horizon. None of us want to abandon our marriage or stray, but staying creates a greater conflict. In honouring the letter of our commitments, we end up abandoning ourselves and straying from that which makes us who we are. Unfortunately there is no outside pressure to keep us honest to ourselves, only pressure maintain our contract of marriage. David, this WILL destroy you if stay the course. You will find this dramatic and perhaps mean spirited now, but some day, maybe years from now, you'll understand that this is the truth. Don't think you can lean on your virtue to carry you through this unscathed; it won't.

I think you continue to be spot on TW and amazingly without being bitter. The realization struck me the other night that every day I delay leaving, the cost goes up AND the benefit goes down. I've only got so many more days left on this earth to be happy with a COMPATIBLE partner really wants to and is able to share intimacy with me. I don't want to miss a single day with her that I don't absolutely have to!

Wendigo: I've thought about your comment and I validate your belief the relationship would be destructive IF only one of the spouses had love for the other. However, if BOTH have love for each other, I have found abundant evidence of hidden strength in sacrifice based on mutual love. With over 35 years of fidelity in the midst of this challenge, I think, proves this concept.

Excellent capture of the situation too many of us share. Oh and a tip for those who may be contemplating a pathway out...<br />
Met with a divorce attorney today to just walk through and get familiar with the process. Once you file there can be up to a 2 year delay period of legal separation before a divorce will be granted in my state. However, the start date of the separation can be back-dated, and the time you started sleeping in separate rooms can often be referenced as a start date of the separation. So keep track of that date. It may serve to speed your exit when you are ready to pull the trigger and get on with living again.

Im the wife in this situation except my marriage didnt last long. I never loved my ex husband, i was never attracted to him heck i didnt even like him! But im young and i knew i was making a mistake marrying him but i wanted to "settle down" oh and i was pregnant. I left before our daughter was out of the hospital. Even though i now have the annoying ex issue going on i am so thankful for my child and pleased i left when i did.

Thank you for doing the right thing by leaving him.

Im the wife in this situation except my marriage didnt last long. I never loved my ex husband, i was never attracted to him heck i didnt even like him! But im young and i knew i was making a mistake marrying him but i wanted to "settle down" oh and i was pregnant. I left before our daughter was out of the hospital. Even though i now have the annoying ex issue going on i am so thankful for my child and pleased i left when i did.

Excellent capture of the situation too many of us share. Oh and a tip for those who may be contemplating a pathway out...<br />
Met with a divorce attorney today to just walk through and get familiar with the process. Once you file there can be up to a 2 year delay period of legal separation before a divorce will be granted in my state. However, the start date of the separation can be back-dated, and the time you started sleeping in separate rooms can often be referenced as a start date of the separation. So keep track of that date. It may serve to speed your exit when you are ready to pull the trigger and get on with living again.

no, for me, I just withdraw and lately she was surprised that I felt out marriage was going badly. She thought it was going well! <br />
I simply said: "as a husband, I have failed 3 careers, I am a bad father to 8 children, and I have not spiritually led the family either AND I am unemployed 2 years! If I was you, I wouldnt want sex with a dweeb like me either!!" However, she was still hanging on the part where I said "our marriage is going badly." so once again sex is misinterpreted. Lemme just say a thing or two about 'starvation sex'which is the sex that us guys get after a week of waiting. I can barely get it up anymore due to her "lack of interest." and in a day or two I will tell her about my daily need to "get it up" The consequenses are that I will declare our relationship as poor and walk away. She will want to know. women like her want emotional security, so....

What would it take to get on the same music when it comes to a marriage sex life? If you love a person you do what it takes to keep them,being married does not excuse either to turn off sex.I know how hard it is to want to be sexaully loved and satisfied but instead it is frustration which sometimes leads to cheating.So what do it take what are you willing to sacrifice to stay in love but to please each other desire.Sex should be 20% of a relationship but it is needed.So each need to be open minded to figure out how to keep that 20% alive.

What does it take? It only takes two people who are willing to try. No amount of trying will overcome the apathy of another.

I've just joined. Is there a group for people who are in sexless marriages and what to stay for the sake of family and children but who need a lover?

This was so stellar. I quit lurking and made my first comment right here. Sometimes you can't see what's going on right in front of you until it's pointed out. This whole group benefited from your thoughts.

Thank you. If anyone got anything useful out this, it makes me feel like it was worth sharing. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Had another talk with the refuser last night since I've moved into the guest room.<br />
<br />
She professes her love for me, blah blah blah... doesn't understand why she can't "give herself" to me sexually. Says she believes she did the same thing with her first. Here's the laughable part. We were both married when we started screwing around, we screwed like it was air, we couldn't get enough, I could make her *** by a touch, still can. But, it's the monumental effort required to get the ball rolling. If you've read my other post you know she can and will do "self service" at the drop of a hat.<br />
She says she's angry, what about is the problem, she does not know what, who, when.... <br />
<br />
She's made an appointment with a sex therapist, a month down the road. A month. Do I wait, do I start making plans? Going bedroom furniture shopping today, get my head straight, get through the holidays... then.

Of course I don't know the details of your marriage and I only just read this one comment by you, but it seems like the attempts she has made to improve are not enough for you. Encourage her and take whatever improvements she makes seriously. Otherwise, she won't care to make any. What you said about her having gone through this before is important. I'm not a doctor, but I took a psych class and once learned about how married women lose interest in sex after being very sexual while dating. It's caused by any insecurities or shame they feel being brought to the surface now that they are married and sex isn't a "crazy" or "dirty" act. What was once ignored in order to have fun with sex is now important since you make her safe. To sum up, it's as if they are making up for past "slutty" behavoir. Good luck...

You are to be honest and admit that she is not attracted to you. But the thing is, that as dark as it seems now, you are only 10 years into it not 20. Best

well this nothing new I like reading this because I live this for 32 years and let me tell you its not greener on the the other side. My wife love me still but can't tounch me. I so I went with other women lots of sex but in the end no love I stop doing this and look at my wife as a roommate with no exspectation and it seems to work. Its not her fault its life it happens.

Sad.

And yet, wouldn't you say that you have a great amount of love for, say, for mother even though you don't want to have sex with her? Therefore, it's not really about love. So what feeling is not being expressed? Lust? I might agree with that. However, at some point all lust fades. If we part with every partner we lose sexual interest in then we will be single forever. This is the conundrum I am dealing with.

Not true. You bought the myth propagated by the refusers. Healthy sexual attraction is common in good relationships from start til old age. Lose the misconceptions or you will be either single or sexless forever.

So you have a healthy sexual attraction for your mother?

Wow! That's how my wife seems toward me. She tells me endlessly how much she loves me and I am a great person, etc. etc. but doesn't even want me touching her. It's like we're siblings raising a child together.

@ anniebeme yes i agree, no sense in being in a marriage tha theres nlthing there. and if u did not want to hurt the guy by rejecting him is not so good never do something u will or may regret later. you got to be happy in life yes it may have hurt him but now look at all the hurt your going through by not telling him no, it would have only hurt him for a short time compared to the time its hurting you.. I always wonder how can two people be so in love then the love just grows apart and the feelings r not there anymore. with my x husband i felt sort of the same way never wanted him to touch me but i believe its bc of the mental abuse and the fact he was never there for me and we faught alot i think i was with him for my kids and for security reasons but now i have a wonderful husband to me sex is not everything and i love my husband so much to wherre i can go without it if he was not able to give it or vice verser Love and having faith in God is what keeos a marriage together hope everything works out well for everyone...

I think the original post is very insightful and well written. However, I do worry that a lot of the women out there are refusing their men for reasons other than not loving them and are going to be hurt by this post. I hope the men out there consider the possiblity that she does love you and wants to be with you, but for some reason, she doesn't have the sex drive you want her to have. Child birth and aging can do that to a woman. Please give her a chance to sort that out. I feel bad for the women out there who are left by husbands because the sex wasn't good enough or frequent enough. I would bet anything that most of the time, it has nothing to do with him. She just doesn't feel sexy after having a baby and her hormones are going nuts or she's put on some weight. On top of that, she doesn't have the time to take care of herself. Help her out by making her feel as sexy as you can. Change a diaper every once in a while. Give her a chance to shave her legs. THEN ask for sex. See what she says then.

Those of us who live in sexless marriages aren't living in relationships where the sex isn't good enough or often enough. We are living in relationships where it doesn't happen at all or if it does, it is duty sex with no desire or passion. Also there are quite a few (almost half I would guess) women on these boards frustrated about their husband refusers. Yes, in normal marriages sex drive may be impacted by hormones, childbirth, stress etc. We are dealing with a different situation here than that. Most of us would be/would have been grateful if the suggestions you've made would have worked. And believe me, the vast majority of us have tried those ideas and many more to make things better.

I agree that most men on here have been going decades with no affection, but there are plenty who have only been married 4, 5 years and have little children. I know someone personally who has 3 children under the age of 5 including a 2 month old and he has cheated on his wife due to her lack of passion...twice....right after the two youngest ones were born. The affairs started weeks after the births and lasted months until his wife was willing to be intimate again. So I agree that most guys are like you, caring and sympathetic, but there are a lot of guys like my friend who will read stories like the original post and assume their wives just don't care about them anymore. So I had to add my opinion.

There are a lot of well meaning, but very bad assumptions in this comment. Of course there are women (and men) that don't want their spouses for good reasons (inconsiderate, gross, abusive etc). The reasons for these cases are self evident, and that's not what this post or this group is about. The trite solutions you suggest show that you don't really understand this issue, and are quite frankly, insulting. I do appreciate you taking the time to comment though, and I suggest that if it's a topic that's meaningful to you that you read some more stories and learn more about the dynamic of a sexless marriage.

Wow....well if you found it insulting then I must be completely incapable of getting my point to come through in text since it wasn't meant to be insulting at all. In fact, I was trying to be kind and offer some support to those who may feel like there is hope. For those who don't, I suppose divorce is the best option. But thanks so much, Wendigo, for assuming I am wrong, trite and insulting. I won't comment on a post from you again in order to prevent you from being harmed by me :) P.S. You loved another comment from me on the same subject.

@Matchbooks- yes, you've articulated this perfectly. It's frustrating to have well meaning people suggest the obvious, over and over and over. To be fair to those who do this, even experienced therapists have been known to spout platitudes.
@Ella- Yes, I liked one of your other comments. I handle each one on it's own merit though, and I think you're off base on this one. I hope you don't stop commenting because I don't agree (and yes, I know I'm not nice about it). I think that although you mean well, your perception of what's going on is way off the mark.

As CWDYG said, I think you're off the mark. This isn't about sex not being good enough or often enough - it's about living a lifestyle of someone REFUSING sex, or offering sex under (some condition), and then moving the goalpost when that condition is met. It's not just intercourse - it's withholding any sort of sexual touch, affectionate touch, any touch, or even talking. Once this starts, it progresses.

My refuse XH will be glad to hear that he began refusing because he was exhausted after having a baby. He never used THAT excuse! I've heard the "had a baby" excuse used by women well after the "baby" was in school! Hormone problems do not last that long, or there is another medical reason. There are plenty of medical excuses. The difference between a medical reason and a medical excuse is that in the case of a reason, the person will go to a doctor, then follow the recommendation or treatment, or even go for a second or third opinion if they don't like what was suggested. In the case of a medical refusal, they won't go to a doctor until the refused insists upon it. Then, if the doctor suggests a treatment, they won't use it - we've heard of prescriptions not being filled, or if they are filled, not used. Then there's another medical excuse. Rinse and repeat. I was patient through numerous rounds of this.

"Feeling sexy" (after one has had a baby), or not "understanding" why the spouse would desire you is just an excuse. If you've got problems with your self image, there are all sorts of ways to deal with that - therapy, self-help books, support groups. Use whatever works. Gained weight is another excuse - there are people who prefer a larger-sized partner. Plus, if the spouse really loves the person, they will want someone who looks like the person they love - not some airbrushed photo, and not how the spouse looked 10 or 20 years ago.

Some of use were in a marriage with a refuser who had only been married less than a month. It was a case of "bait and switch". The person wanted something other than to share lives with a person. And, did not love the spouse. In the case of your friend whose husband had affairs after the children were born - after that had happened once, why did she not expect that it would happen again? If she was not willing to be intimate after the babies were born, what did she expect? You don't just have sex with your spouse "because you feel sexy". There's love, there's caring about the other's needs, wants, and feelings, there's emotional closeness. Sex does not need to include intercourse to be satisfying, if that is not comfortable for whatever reason. It's not "normal" to cut off all intimacy from a husband for months after the birth of a baby! To expect that the husband would settle for chastity until his ***** is needed again is ridiculous.

That doesn't always work, trust me!! I used to do everything for my husband only to be shot down. One person can only take getting rejected to much, It messes with your head, big time!

5 More Responses

This was, as all have said a very enlightening post! Thank you! I am definitely going to take that into my considerations moving forward...also I can understand your anger, why not just come clean? For me, I am dumbfounded and confused by the amount of time that can pass with this, with a mate, I feel like in the interim of all this, not only have you robbed yourself of the option to seek happiness for yourself in that aspect of your life, but your mate as well. Additionally, I think it is important to realize what you need and want from a relationship, like you said, she wasn't loving you the way you needed. A lot of people get their wants/needs mixed up in relationships IMO, it's very important to know the difference of the two for true compatible matching down the road. :-)

Until you've been in a dysfunctional relationship it's hard to understand how people seem unable to see and accept the obvious. This is not limited to SM, it also applies to any abusive situation. It's very difficult to leave, and most of us that seem "trapped" have either been abused, are codependent, or have other issues relating to low self worth. In most cases, a healthy, well adjusted person wouldn't tolerate this treatment very long.
We also spend much time believing that they love us, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and trying to fix the problem. Our spouses often encourage this behavior by creating excuses (which they often believe themselves), or other passive or active behaviors that encourage us to stay. I'm not entirely sure what you mean about confusing wants and needs, but you're right in that compatibility is key.

Well, what can I say? I've read the article and skim read some responses most of which are, I think, valid. What I can tell you is that after 20 years of marriage to a frigid and prejudiced right wing fascist of a wife I discovered I could take her subtle mental manipulation no longer and called it a day. This was the point where I found out from her that she had never trusted me from the day we met and so I draw the conclusion that she chose to marry a ***** donor. Subsequently, she has tried to exploit my achilles heal by using the unconditional love I have for our children as a lever thereby proving her sociopathy. What can I say ~ it takes some of us longer than others to wake up and smell the coffee, and a sexless marriage is a sure sign you got something very wrong which you need to deal with. Needless to say I've dealt with it, am forging a new relationship directly with my children thereby avoiding her cruelty to them and me and I fully intend to make the most of what years I may yet have left, God willing. Life goes on thankfully so we always have a new horizon.

You can't make assumptions about how she feels. You can't put words in her mouth.<br />
<br />
You may be right. But you may also be very wrong.<br />
<br />
I love my husband with every ounce of my being.. but I do not enjoy sex with him and avoid it as much as possible. It has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with personal issues that I have with sexual relationships and how I respond to being pressured - ie.. I shut down completely. <br />
<br />
One day his patience may run out, and he may leave me or cheat on me.. and I will be devastated and broken hearted... but KNOWing that this may happen, makes the situation worse. It puts more pressure on me to be able to "put out" .. and as I've said before, the more pressure, the less I'm physical capable of being able to perform.

I can make assumptions, and I have to make assumptions. She will not communicate in good faith, and will not do anything to address the problem. I have no alternative but to base her feelings on her actions. As for you, why are you waiting passively for his patience to run out? Act now, or face the reality of losing him. It sounds like you aren't actively trying to address the problem, you just offer excuses? That will say to him that his needs aren't important to him, and I can tell you how that invariably turns out. By not making clear, concerted efforts to defeat your demons, you're showing that you don't really love him at all, despite what your words say. Good luck.

WIthin the context of marriage your "troubles" cannot eclipse the marital bond. Because it adversely impacts the other. If you are no tup to the task of being intimate with your husband over the long haul (and he is not onboard with the no sex stance) then you owe it to him to act like the adult and let him go find another love. If he chooses to stay then you must be crystal clear to him about what that is going to mean, intimate wise, over the long haul. If he chooses to leave you must support this decision gracefully and help him get to a better place in life. Just letting it all go to hell, passively waiting for HIM to act, is absolutely immature behavior on your part. OWN YOUR problem, and either get it fixed or offer him the option of moving on.

I have been there. Good story

Sorry to hear about everyone's "bait & switch" stories, but I think we're all avoiding the obvious. You may love being married, with all the social and monetary perks it brings, but you can, at the same time, dislike your spouse. Sadly, even in this day and age, women still marry just to prove to everyone that SOMEBODY loves them. They want to be married just to say they're married, not because her husband is "The One." Also, many women marry the first guy that asks them. If he makes good money, she can overlook most everything else. Perhaps perspective: a guy will say/do whatever it takes to get a woman into bed; a woman will do whatever it takes to get a guy to propose marriage.

But what about the men who do the "bait and switch"? I guess men also want to prove to the world that SOMEBODY loves them.

what do you do about horrible anger and hate issues? I used to love my boyfriend soooo much. He lied to me about me and left me and our child for GOD only knows why! I allowed him back 6months later. It's now been 6 years and he still hasnt explained why or nothing at all about his leaving me! Now i'd probably hurt him bad if he touched me or tried to tell me the dam weather!

Better read late than never...this is my marriage all the way sadly.

Why do I suffer so many instances of disrespect? I know I'm not a beautiful woman but at least I try to present myself in a way that would be pleasing to him. I've gotten surgery, many criticize me and call me vain. He lies to me about what he does online and I've been through this before. We're married, 2 years now, thought he loved me and heard him call me his roomate on the phone. It is heartbreaking when he holds young waitresses hostage and tries to impress them with conversation when he doesn't care what I say, I'm afraid everyone is watching laughing at the old hag. Comments about things I can't change Is why is he with Me? Why did he choose me if I'm so ugly, so bad at everything, not good enough. He has not completely taken hiself away from me, but I suspect he thinks of other women to get through the ritual. Sometimes the thought is unbearable and I feel used. I guess I've always felt this way in all my relationships, so what is the difference? Too fat, too lazy, too depressed, not good enough for mom, oh by the way I'm going to hold your past against you when I didn't even know you then ans tell everyone so they will stare at you and talk about you and make you afraid.

I was in a relationship for 14 years and I made alot of mistakes. I met him when I was just a irresponsible kid. He had jerk friends who could not keep girlfriends some of them could hold jobs some not, but they all had the same attitude towards women, they were ob<x>jects. When I was young I did irresponsible things, it destoyed my relationships. Constant interferance and co-depedance from mommy and daddy not help my BF's emotional detachment issues. His parents told him how to feel, what to think, the only time he had control over his life is when he drunk or high. Maybe you respectable people can't relate. To make a long story short when this "problem' was revealed to his parents they blamed me. I spent 14 years with someone that was emotionally unavailable, because he could not feel, his parents smoothered him and would not allow him to live his own life. They said nasty things to me many times instead of taking responsibility for being sick enablers. Always bailing out since he was 14, not letting face music and dealing with the real issues. No girl or woman was good enough for their son. His mother still follows me and causes me trouble and gossips, she will always be in my life. She plays the martyr so well, always has. I've seen her go to my job, think she caused me trouble at my last job. Don't you think I'm stupid enough to use names. I do not retaliation and the "gang " to work against me, they have nothung better to do with their time than go on social networks 8 hours a day and assasinate me in criptic language. I feel I always need to leave the house put together the right way although they all think I'm crazy, I think I've lost my ability to love or care I'm angry and hate. The monster is back, but it won't hurt anyone now. They are going to kill me because all the yacking on the damn social websites and her stalking and following me.Putting up flyers in bathroom stalls when I go to the bathroom saying innappropiate things, I've a;ways told him she has done these thing and I was told no she didn't or she straight lied. This has made it hard to enjoy sex in real ways. Can anyone tell me the defination of love, devotion and commitment? Women only answer.I'm not sure men are capable of love and commitment and not cheating.

OK, so having been in a 20 year, unsatisfying marriage, I can really relate to a lot of your comments in here, T.W. I have been on autopilot for such a ridiculously long time that I almost can't believe it, only I guess you might classify me as the refuser, although my husband never tried very hard, either. I started to have misgivings shortly before we were married, and this just built over time as either his shortcomings intensified or I became more aware of them. Bad lover, worse kisser, selfish, self-centered, lackluster father, control freak, passive-aggressive. I would go to bed and get up early to avoid him, and I cringed at the thought of his touch. Now don't get me wrong, he was reasonably attractive, but I was just repelled at the thought of him coming near me due to how much respect I had lost for him, really more contempt than anything else. You are right on with your comments that not wanting to be intimate is exactly an expressive of how she feels.<br />
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Some switch finally went off in me out of nowhere, and I decided to lose some weight (it came right off and stayed off because I actually want to be attractive now), and he and I both became aware that men were now very openly and enthusiastically attracted to me, which was a change for both of us. He finally woke up and started paying attention, but it was years too late. I had been emotionally divorced for years and just never faced it. I really agonized but pulled the trigger a few months ago and filed for divorce. I had a lot of anxiety about this before I did it, but now it is such a huge weight off, I can't even express it. I have a spring in my step and realize that all the agonizing was for nothing. This is something I should have done 15 years ago but just couldn't face it.<br />
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While I was debating what to do a friend of mine took me aside and said, "Megan, life is short". The way he said this to me and the intensity of his message really stuck with me, and I realized he was right. Who knows what the future will hold, but as another friend of mine said, "You may not find Mr. Right, but at least you won't be with Mr. Wrong". <br />
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I wanted to express to those on either side of this issue that the "refuser" (if there is just one) may not be loony or in possession of a low libido. Harsh as it may be, it may just be that his/her desire may just be low for YOU. If that's the case, I don't think there is a way to turn this around, and you should consider taking a hard look at your relationship. I am actually a very sexual person and am very attracted to OTHER men, just not him, and now I have had healthy relationships with others and feel so relieved. There is light at the end.

Here's a question for Wendigo. Was there ever a time that you had passionate sex? If so you can't say that it is all your wife's fault. What happened to make her start pushing you away? I'm not saying its all your fault either, but it does take two to end up where you are. I started reading this because my husband and I are having some of the same problems. But I feel that ours is because of a whole lot of other issues not that we don't love each other.... Life gets in the way. You can't go on forever acting like love sick teenagers. You've got bills to pay, babies to make, mouths to feed... You work all the time and are so tired when you get home the last thing you want to do is have sex. All I want to know is how do we both put everyday life behind us and just be passionate again without having to get drunk to forget our problems!

I don't know why so many people automatically believe that "life gets in the way" and that it's normal for sex to dry up in a marriage. Sex doesn't happen anymore when it no longer is a priority to one or both people. The problem is when it's still a priority for one, but not the other. If one person can have high sex drive 10, 25 or 35 years into the marriage, why wouldn't it be reasonable to think that BOTH people could? In my case sex was OK at first, but she quickly turned off the tap and started making excuses, and yes I can say that it's all her fault. I've done EVERYTHING to please this woman over ten years, and it was never enough. She felt lust when we met, and I felt love. Lust doesn't last, and she couldn't fake love for very long. It's really simple. Everything in life is about priorities, and you can't hide those for very long. If you aren't having fulfilling sex with your spouse, it's not a priority to at least one of you, period. No matter how tired or overworked people are, they have time to do what's truly important to them. Look at what you are doing instead of sex, the proof is always in the puddin'.

can any1 tell me..<br /><br />
If a boy wants only sex his GF all the time and when they r having it his face is ex<x>pression less and mind is some where else..<br /><br />
What do we do in this situation???

Wendigo your posts and comments really hit close to home. I too am in a sexless marriage. My wife witholds all sort of affection from me not only sex. This decline started about 3 years ago. First sex just dropped off where it felt like it was a chore for her but now she flat out refuses to sleep with me. This has gone on for the last two months. I have heard every excuse under the sun to how horrible i am, how i dont help with the house work, etc etc, the list goes on and on. The one thing i have learned is that it is all bullshit. All i can say is to all the other people out there faced with a similiar situation dont blame yourself and look for ways to please your irrational and selfish partner. No amount of change or compromise can fix your problem. The problem is not you it is them. I used to give my wife everything i could contributed heavily with the housework to the point where i was doing the majority of it and still no change. I would try every night to be intimate only to be shut down, and rejected like some stray dog. This is a real confidence killer. I am not an an ugly guy and never had any trouble picking up women. But the hurt caused by my own wifes rejection dug deep. To top it off she would express interest in other guys by way of flirting at work or giving her number out to customers who would call her phone who had become friends. This behavour went on until i got fed up and found myself a mistress. I moved out of the family home and lived with my new girfriend. This person worshipped the ground i walked on, sex every night, washed my shirts, ironed and cooked my meals. I am not a shovonist and never asked her to do those things. She did them because she cared. The kids suffered the most. One day the wife asked to reconcile for the kids and i stupidly did hoping things would change. They did for 2 weeks than went back to the same. Today is my birthday and my wife could not manage a kiss. I am not surprised or hurt. I am used to it. After reading Wendigo's post I have decided to finally act on my thoughts. Tomorrow i will wake up, insist she pay half the bills, take the Mercedes of her as its in my name, and start to withold my support as she is witholding sex. I will explain to her that i will no longer be supporting an unloving partner as cruel as her. If that dosen't change her attitude then everything is set for the divorse lawyers. I accepted this patha a long time ago reading Wendigo's comments clarified it for me to act.

Good luck, my friend. Thank you for commenting.

Wow, if I didn't know any better, I would swear you were my husband writing this....could be!! Anyway, as a woman in the exact situation, I will give you my thoughts on this with absolutely no disrespect.<br />
You said that you loved her...did you tell her, did you show her?? I can probably speak for 99.9% of women who need "emotional" connection before they can have physical connection.<br />
I have been with my husband 20 years, married almost 12 and we have had no intimacy for the last 3. Why?? Because I withdrew from coming second to his work and his sports. He showed no interest in my being his wife, felt more like I was his mom. However, I never really realized that I was doing this until I reconnected with someone from my past. Wow, he reminded me exactly what I was missing. Nothing physical took place as he lives 3000 miles away and not quite sure anything would have. I truly believe women do not cheat, at least not for sex anyway. It was all emotional. 10 months of emailing this man, I decided that this is what I needed from my husband and I knew that if I needed things to change then I had to do something. Sadly for me though, it's too late. My husband knew all along about these emails. He is with me but not with me, if you know what I mean. I think you owe yourself and your wife the chance to work through it. If it was there once, you can get it back. Once again, no disrespect, just my thoughts.

No disrespect, but **** you. If you have to ask if I showed her or told her that I loved her, you didn't read anything I've written. To this day I show her more love in the run of a day than most women will see in their lifetimes. Go to hell.

well lots of anger there,in some ways(ok alot) you are right. I was married 14 ******* years, I paid for your degree, I know hse didnt like her job(fact hated it enough to **** a guy there,I learned after the D). I used to bring her flowers every friday, I wanted to make it "our thing" like something special. what did she finally say after 10 weeks of flowers? they werent good enough, at least in that part she was honest. after 14yrs she had me served with the papers, ******* classes. She had 14yrs of knowing no matter what she had a safe home loving kids and the biggest ***** from me was wanting her to come outside in HUGE yard and play with the kids and me. tell ya one other thing that sucks blue balls, as a male it is your fault. period that is it. I worked 60-85hrs a week and got dumped to the curb while she cried "abuse" I never laid a hand on her in 17 total years. she would read abouse woman being abused, was un happy because her parents had "so much" and we didnt have anything...we had 3 kids, a nice house and 3 ******* cars. to tired to rant anymore, fsct is sexless has nothing to do with sex, it's the intenamacy that is wrecked. they hold all the cards, you want to **** to much or you wont **** enough.

you know why you ended up behind work and sports? Im gonna bet he felt he wasn't important in your life. all you have done is ran and jumped for a crutch. grass is always greener right? Just my thoughts

Wow, if this is the kind of attitude you could easily show when your angry, it's no wonder she withdrew

Perhaps your right but I gave up my activities to accomodate his...grass can deffinately be greener

I agree with you TheWendigo!!

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well my situation isnt as drastic as u guys. i been with my gf for like 8 years now. and for 5 of them ive been sexually not toally satisfied. we are extremely far from sexless, but sex 2-3 times a week is not good enough. i can have that as a single man jus dating.i love her and she is everything to me, but she is really starting to talk about marriage now, and i jus dont see how that is possible when every day i consider leaving. we're 25.....so byt he time we're35 that 2-3 times a week will probbaly turn into 2-3 timesa month. she's a great woman, and great mother and together we are awesome parents, i jus think i have a higher sex drive point blank.<br />
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id like to have sex daily...well its not so much im caught up on having sex daily as is it im caught up on her wanting to have sex daily if u know what i mean. i know sometimes with work and takin care of our daughter sometimes we botth get tired. but it seems as if if i dont initiate we will go a week or two without having sex. her lack of initiating makes me feel unloved or unwanted. outside of sex we show alot of affection to one another....we touch, laugh and all that. sex jus seems to be not that high on her priority list, ormaybe sex with me aint high on her priority list, either way a change will be made

If the sex is slowing down, and she doesn't initiate, and you think that sex with you isn't on your priority list, I'll assure you that if you get married, the sex will be off the table as soon as the ink is dry on the marriage license! It won't take 10 years for it to go down to 2-3 times per month. It goes down from 2-3 times per week to once every 2-3 weeks in the first 6 months, once a month for the next 3 months if you beg, then every other month. You'll be asked why you're such a sex addict, and told that it's "all the pressure" to have sex that's turning her off. You'll try it, and about 4 months will go by with no sex at all. Then, you'll have to beg for it, and she'll give in quarterly - for about 5 minutes.

So sadly this goes on in so many relationships. at the same time I am still so angry getting "out" is so socially acceptable to many(not me). If you think back, I'm sure you can come up with something early on that lead you to this point. I made so many mistakes that I didn't even at the time understand I was making. There is also something to be said when you are past a point of repair, we had seen 4 different marriage councelors. First was very bad, ironically he was the priest that married us. the second was the best and made a point that stuck in my head, you should never give up if you are angry or hurt, only if you feel nothing at all. Well I can't say that is how it went down, it was one of the most bitter divorce proceeding I have ever heard of. I learned about 2 months ago(we've been D'd for 3 years) that she told my then 5yr daughter that I filed divorce on her...

Jesus christ. Yep, I can think back to something early on that led me to this. It was when I said "I do".

That's sad.

Excellent and simple way to say it. The only challenge I see it is that this is a theory, which may be incorrect. But if I accept it, I and you can use it as a good rationale to finish an unhappy relationship and move to a better one.<br />
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The absolute truth is what we see. And we see that we do not have as much intimacy and sex with our wives as we would like, despite of all our efforts. If we tell our mind to stop looking for theories and explanations, and set aside all moral obligations we may have - what is it that we can to do with our problem?

How is this a theory? It's reality. You can accept it, or you can continue to self delude.

Very simply. You can not know for sure what the other person feels and why the other person does not want sex with you. All you know is wht you see - that the other person avoid sex with you. you can put hunreds of explanations behind it, but it really does not matter. All you can do is to act. And explanation you believe in serves merely as the rationale for your behaviour.

Rather than seeking explanations why the other person avoids sex, make your own decision. Are you more happy to stay than leave? If so, then stay! Do you prefer to go? Go! Find someone else? Go find someone else.

Take responsibility for your own choice and go and act accordingly; stop making the other person responsible for your unhappiness and your actions. He/she is what he/she . It is Ok to resent the other person for lack of sex, and it is very OK to tell the other person about it. But it is not OK to lock yourself in the world of your own beliefs..

The right partner is out there waiting to treat you the way you deserve to be treated and not take you for granted.

wow that is sad , i try to make love every 3 days in fact i use to keep a diary for our love making , i figger if i don't give my husband the love he wants and deserves he will find love else were . to have a happy marriage you need love ,sex, understanding, trust and friendship. i have heard people say you don't need sex in a marriage but that is a lie , how else do you know your loved . my husband is always telling me how sexy and beautiful i am , i stay in shape and try to look good and i have done that for 13 years and he still goes hard when he touches me . do you know how that make me feel ? it makes me feel like a princess and that I'm his world and I'm not even a pretty girl but to him i'm stunning .

Hmmm I honestly thought that sex is for pro-creation. PS men get hard touching anything that has a vaginal between their legs. it's a shame that you force yourself to do something you don't enjoy just for your husband. I bet you he wouldn't try to please you that way if he couldn't have sex anymore.

i actually asked my husband a couple of years ago `why are we still married' and he couldn't give me an answer, he just shrugged his shoulders. i asked why he no longer wanted to touch me, hold me or have sex with me (not that our sex life was ever that frequent but by the time i asked the question it had died completely) his response was that he wasn't interested. after reading other peoples comments i now realise i am not the only person living in a loveless marriage. i have no idea what i am going to do next but i now know that the man i am married to is no longer a husband but just a man that lives in the same house we barely even talk these days , i too feel lonely

You're a good guy and wish you all the best

Twenty five years and hoping but after reading this it sounds like I have been dreaming.I call it unhappy in love but the love is fading.

typical. understand this is NOT me taking sides, it is what it is. truth. you wanted her to love you the way your values are wired. not once did you mention her values and what makes her motor run. learning to communicate to each others values is the secret to a not only a lasting relationship, but a fulfilling one. both my wife and i discuss the answer to the question: what makes you fell loved? for me it is similar to you-intimacy, physical caressing, sex, play, fun. for her it is a bit more serious, she wants me to be her friend, to listen when she's had a bad day and not say anything but it's okay or it will get better. when pushing her buttons the right way, i get mine pushed as well. hope this helps.

It's good that you have a wife that likes to communicate with you. Not everyone is so lucky.

The Wendigo, what would happen if you asked your wife what makes her feel loved? Would she flat-out refuse to answer you?

Oh great. Your wife never gets horny and just wants sex. I guess she forgets that the other stuff 'listening, caressing, play and fun' just goes missing for a bit. If you want a wife that has a list of things for you to fulfill before she has sex, then you've got it.

I should add that it's sex within a marriage....and all the commitments that it entails.......

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I'm a woman in my late twenties and what you said sounds very much like my experience. I met my husband when we were both 18. For about 9 years I've ached to be close to him. These days I don't get upset, I don't feel dirty for wanting sex with my husband, I don't lie awake at night hoping he'll touch me and I no longer believe that I'm so vile that he is repulsed by me. I don't want to sleep with him in fact I can't stand it when he tries to kiss me or hold my hand. He's very attractive but the thought of him repulses me. I used to love spending time with him but now I'd rather look after our children on my own and be on my own on a night time. Sometimes I feel cheated because I will never be have that thing I always wanted but other times I see with such gratitude exactly what I do have, my family, my children, my friends and my freedom. Fortunately his work takes him away quite a lot during which time I feel so free and pray that he doesn't come back. I feel like he's trapped me and there's no way out because he knows I would never leave as I don't believe it would be fair on our babies. I want to be loved

thanks for the story, , this is what i loved in this site, is that you can say all you want to say and what you feel to people with same story...thanks guys

Your story, while it's beginning differs from mine, ends up in the same place. There has been no sex in my 22 year marriage for almost half of it...and your comments hit home. We were wild and crazy and could not keep our hands off one another for the first couple years, then children came and that squashed it. My husband has had some medical issues, we blamed that for a long time, now all are corrected...and I had a similar ephiphany....at this point, I don't even want to have sex with him and if he were wanting it, I would be one of those wives that turns her nose up to it and complains. It's early in the new year...time to do something.

omg you give me hope to leave. thank you so much.

This is a very powerful discussion. Having thought about it all afternoon yesterday, I wanted to throw my own slightly different view into the mix.<br />
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My feeling is that monogamy and continued sexual interest is likely to be the exception, not the rule, in long term relationships. Whether this extends to "less sex" or as far as "no sex" probably depends on many factors - such as the couple's general happiness together, the effort they make to sustain a sex life, their respective sex drives. But a major falling off from the early stage, such that the relationship is no longer strongly sexual after a time, seems a reasonable expectation for most.<br />
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After all, isn't this what all the jokes are about? Joking is a way of owning up to something we know to be true while wishing it were different.<br />
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The assumption that things should be different is quite a recent one, culturally. Ancient cultures have taken the decline of mutual sexual interest as natural and inevitable. Some allowed polygamy as a (patriarchal) way to keep the man satisfied after a woman's interest had waned. There is a strand in Christianity and Buddhism, and the philosophers in Greece and Rome, equating sexual relationships with "trouble". Sex is about desire, and desire is habitually frustrated, leading to pain.<br />
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Thus, without the sex to recommend it in the long term, the benefits or otherwise of marriage must be considered on other grounds - do I prefer companionship to independence? Do I want children? That is how many ancient cultures would have viewed the question.<br />
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Today we have been led to believe that we can have it all - continued passionate sex, for a lifetime, with a soulmate. The stock mantra is that there is just the right person out there for you. So people divorce and commit anew - and find the same problem all over again. This is a version of polygamy but at huge financial cost (because our culture is ba<x>sed in Christianity which assumes monogamy) and emotional cost too - in the modern romantic hope, each time, that we have found "the one". <br />
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I think this is ongoing process of disillusionment comes from a fantasy view of love and marriage. If you wish to be married, consider it from the practical point of view - because I think it's safe to assume that the sex will pass. Do you want companionship? Do you want children? And realise that only mutual charity and self-sacrifice will get you through a long term relationship.<br />
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If you decide that you would prefer peace to trouble, rather than seek that elusive peace within a marriage, you may take the decision I have - to remain celibate and free of all this pain, suffering and inevitable disappointment. My reasons are not religious but common sense human ones.

A well stated point I believe. There is much truth in what you've shared here. I do keep coming back to this though; if one person can crave intimacy and passion after 10 years, why can't two people? I believe they can, however this is where it becomes, as you say, the exception rather than the rule. It's simply not attainable for most. I do wonder about your the efficacy of choosing to remain celibate as a means of avoiding pain, suffering and disappointment. No doubt it avoids them on certain levels, but at a cost? Choose your poison. Again, thank you for the insight.

Thanks TW. I think you are right - it should be possible for two people to crave these things and I believe it does happen sometimes, although rarely. But yes, "choose your poison" is also correct. I'm perhaps predisposed to solitude in that most of my favourite activities (reading, music etc) can be done alone. Sometimes I feel like I've found the solution and that everyone else is floundering around in a needless mire. Other times I feel like I'm missing the point of life. So, I'm not entrenched or committed - I've taken no monastic vows - and I make the decision every day with my eyes open. So far, the decision has always been to preserve my at times lonely but never torturing solitude.

Great info, as usual. side note - are you still married? I am in the same boat.

You are so correct, my friend.

Be thankful that all this time of no love you came to love your self more to acknowledge the truth to the point where you can move on without pain, because you no longer feel it too. You could still be in love with her and she told you she don't love you ....and that is pain. she save you that hurt in some way instead of her tell you earlier you figure it out on your own when you seem to lost interest too. Good luck

this is eye opening. really cuts to the core of the issue..

Found this by accident... and WOW!!!!!! It hit home..... after almost 13 years of marriage{married at age 21}, I had reached my limit. I do not and have not desired my husband for years. And only now just realised how unfair I have been to him, to both of us by continuing the relationship. In the beginning, we couldn't make it thru a day with out going at each other, but then it became mechanical... here's your hat, what's your hurry....after years of not finding any satisfaction, I'm over it....If he tries to initiate, I shut him down....<br />
4 days ago, I told him that this was over, that it wasn't fair to have to live like this...that I relate to him as my friend and roomate, but nothing more....I even apologized for not realising it before and very calmly and succinctly layed out that I would like to separate....... it is not being received well at all, he claims to love me and never want to be away from me and is romising to do anything I say that will fix this.... how do you explain that ther is nothing to be done... that it's nothing he has done to drive me away. just that the dynamic has shifted..... and that this will be better for us both once he has time to think about it.... <br />
All the previous posts really hit hime, gave me good insight - -and let me know I was not alone....

I have been a lawyer for decades. Based on what you just wrote (only those 247 words - pretty slim), it is over and it is not coming back. He just needs to understand it is over. Even if it is not for him, it is for you. And, the last time I checked, you cannot run a romance on 1 cylinder.

I feel sad for the OP. The poor wife might be going through some personal turmoil or have some physical issues and he resorts to cheating ( the original post contained info about engaging in inappropriate relationships that since have been deleted) ? I think that is pretty selfish. At least she won't contract any diseases from his infidelity as she refuses to have sex with him. Good for her.

This post has just nailed the truth. Very well written and so very true. I now see a this so very clearly.

Wow! I just had a light go off in my head!!! Maybe my wife does not want me anymore. I am going to test that theory. I will no longer touch her, hold her or acknoldege her in any way and see what kind of response I get. If none, then I know it is time to move on or be miserable. I long to be held, touched ,made love to, have intimate time together but that has not happened for 3 years. I have done my part. If she does not reciprocate then I know it is over for good.

Thanks for sharing... I think most of us suspected our spouse of not being happy or attracted to us and we just never wanted to admitted it. <br />
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You tell your story bluntly, yet respectfully. I feels exactly the same way about my wife in the last year after years of refusal and accusation of her part. I love her as a member of my family but I don't desire her anymore<br />
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The question remains: how do you live in a sexless mariage or is it hopeless? Although I am no longer attracted to my wife, my sex drive is making me crazy.

Very familiar -- and I emphasize.I just read all you wrote as if it were my ex writing it, because this is what he's been telling me since he left five months ago. <br />
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I can see how he thought alllll of what you say. Except that he leaves out the part where he was constantly complaining, muttering and generally walking around unhappy for the last 11 years. There were actually two problems -- 1) he was pushing me away by complaining incessantly and 2) he just didn't have it going on physically. Now the second part, I was resigned to -- sex with him just wasn't that great. He thought it was, but what did he know? I was only his second. He was passionate, so that made up for his physical shortcomings -- and I loved him too much to ever tell. So I just lived with it -- and yes, it's true...sex with him was generally a boring and unfulfilling hour or two and eventually, I found better things to do with my time. And now I miss him. But I think you better go find someone more sexually compatible with you. Thanks for writing this. It helped me think through my situation.

Your post is fantastic and is what I have felt for a long time...thanks for the great and inlighting words.

It is apparent that many here have and have had the same issues. For my part my situation is very very much the same. What I don't see if any of the story center around menopause and possibly the hormonal changes that the wife may be experiencing and how many of those feeling she has justified. Through a few years of almost a sexless marriage (there are times we just have sex) when i bring up the discussion the answer i receive is "I feel dead as a woman" Not a comment easy to hear from a woman/wife who, when things were good is capable of satisfying every desire a man could have and to the max. As much as it is frustrating and there have been many times i have felt like throwing in the towel , I have not. Why, because I truly love this woman, I can't understand why I am not allowed to see her naked, no paasionate kissing , not touching the breasts or other arousal points and when there is sex it has to be slow and careful due to the pain she feels. A large part of me has to respect the fact that most or all of it will pass, I do not want her to consider any hormonal replacements, since that has a whole other set of issues.<br />
So I experience all the same thoughts and desire as all of you, 1.Have and affair,2. Find someone to fill the void.3 Stop making advances, 4 Walk Away. 5 sleep in another room, and on and on. For now I choose not to give up hope. I love my wife deeply and at 60 years old she is still very beautiful and desirable and the touch of her skin(how ever little it may be) still intoxicates me. You see I am longing for the days past when going to bed at night and feeling her skin against mine gets me aroused to the max and she will reach down and take me in her hands and ask " So what are you going to do with that" and then proceed to take care of it in every way a man could dream of. Don't get me wrong I have had days I go aoutside and scream, even get dressed and leave the hosue for a few hours and lately feel like walking away never to come back. Falling out of love I think for me would take more effort then trying to get some.<br />
While many may disagree with me , add to this the fact that I have had 15 Chemo treatments(almost finished with this) and now more than ever I need the holding and passion and extra hugs and the satisfaction of relief inside a beautiful I have felt in the past, so may problems are double.. I love my soulmate and appreciate all the insight I read here, but for now choose to stand by the person I feel madly in love with 13 years ago.

I didnt realise there are so many out here in similar plight. I have been married coming to 10 years. Things took a turn for the worse quicker than i can anticipate. <br />
Suddenly the affection is totally off. Not even a comforting hug at night in bed. Marriage still carries on as per normal but the sexual intimacy is totally gone. I could not comprehend why. She claim tiredness, stress etc for no interest in sex.<br />
Isnt sexual intimacy between a couple a good time for solace, de-stress?<br />
I now couldnt even bring myself to initiate or to touch her, the chances of rejection is simply too high.<br />
Whats gonna happen to us, the deprived party when spouses simply do not give anymore?

What happens is the deprived party eventually stops caring.

I have been married 36 years, the last 23 years Sexless and I have been celebate. For the first 15 or 20 years I felt very low. I loved my wife and she loves me. We are soul matres. Unlike in a lot of Sexless Marriages, we showed each other intimacy in bed. . . cuddling / holding. We had the benefit of having similar interests socially. We have 3 lovely children. Because of this Sex, though important, wasnt the only thing in our marriage. <br />
I too switched off sexually, because our situation was painful. I reached a sort of balance stage where things were bearable. On the once in a blue moon when my wife gets 'Perky' , I find myself refusing because I dont want to open up the wounds. <br />
We have been to Councelling and I found it useless. <br />
Just recently I met a lady. Our relationship is not sexual but we do kiss and cuddle. My wife found out about this and suggested that we try again to get sexualo intimacy back into our lives. I am going to try , though it will be hard after 23 years.<br />
The point I am trying to make is that even after so long it may be repairable.

Well I am very glad that this is one thing I am not alone with. I don't desire sex at all. I did not even desire a relationship and I was so happy. Then I was tempted because it would be the first time in my life I thought I could be takin care of, travel, live the life of luxury (as he has a huge house and lots of money...and I did think he was a nice guy). For one, his wife passed away and her ashes are in the bedroom and this house will never be something we share because it is hers and I am not allowed to change it. That killed the sex drive. But i really never desired sex, maybe holding and caring, neither of which I ended up with here because this man enjoys belittling women, he was a man-*****, women have no intelligence. He said I will take care of you forever, well, We must have a different meaning of this because I am out of money, sold my car to pay my bills because I know credit is the most important thing when surviving. I really need to get up, try to find a job, get some money built up and get out. Enjoying a relationship ba<x>sed on companionship instead of sex sounds wonderful. Simple.

Marriage is overrated.

OMG I have the same problem, so lately i've been missing my deceased ex-boyfriend..i feel so lonely :(

Truth set us free, dont hit your head on wall trying to get answers. Just ask her , do we have a future in this marriage , we do love each other , did we marriage for the wrong reason. do u love me like a pie or like a man??? Tell her what u want! Dont be afraid , shout out . U well feel better , if she says I love like a pie, no I care for sex then my dear , u know this is the way u r going to live for five , ten or fifteen years or end it the marriage , find someone who wants to be with u, be a team, understand , talk about anything and it ok. peace , enjoy each other company , life its to short and too long to be in sexless marriage . if u find the right person their will be lots of loving and sex.... do it , just do it .......

While this is obviously a powerful statement and hitting home for a lot of people, what about trying to rekindle the love and attraction before just automatically assuming that you need to split up? Now that you have recognized her feelings (or lack thereof) toward you and you have managed to come to a situation where you feel the same way, does that mean that because neither of you have feelings or attraction toward one another that you work toward divorce? What about your vows? What about fixing things when they're broken instead of throwing them away? My question to you and to all the people who have so closely related to your statement (myself included).... If divorce wasn't an option, if it didn't exist... what would you do in order for you both to live a happy and fulfilled life?

Hello my friends I am not native in English... so excuse me for some mistakes <br />
<br />
I WROTE THIS IN THE INTENT OF HELP... NOT TO HUMILIATE ANYONE... SOME IRONIC HUMOUR IS USED SO PARDON IF I LOST THE TONE.<br />
<br />
BELLOW FACTS YOU MUST FACE AND DEAL ABOUT SEX ISSUES WITH YOUR COUPLE BEFORE CRYING LIKE A BABY OR TRY TO KILL HIM/HER<br />
<br />
1) Some people have deep sex Trauma or Fantasies and will never tell that to you. NOT EVEN AFTER 40 YEARS... and maybe you think the problem is with you...BUT IT IS NOT... this maybe caused by abuse, religion, guilt, a previous sex behavior that you never imagined about, some ancient love or any other idiot thing you would never think is the reason... If that is the case you need a short step for healing... not couple terapy but individual terapy... talking maybe a way... but some secrets you will simply never get extract.. .<br />
<br />
2) Some people "have little or no sex drive"... They are LAZY, GREEDY, FATTY, OBSESSIVE FOR SOMETHING ELSE, WORKHOLICS, Sex for them NOT MATTER AT ALL.. IS JUST A HEAVY BURDEN TO CARRY IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THEIR STATUS QUO... They simply NOT LIKE... <br />
<br />
For that theres is 2 ways only:<br />
<br />
a) You make it better for them... so they start to like WITH you<br />
b) Search a new partner <br />
<br />
3) For your partner eyes (and maybe for all others too) you got boring, wrinkled, bold, more fat, less interesting, stupid, dumb, full of known deffects... etc... THERE IS NO MORE EXCITEMENT IN F.....ING WITH YOU ANYMORE... YOU GOT TO CHANGE... Sex just for the obligation of being marriage is same then food without<br />
salt.. .******... if you are not very hungry you wont eat it... so she/he wont f....k<br />
<br />
4) Little things you said or did may cause a huge disappointment AND THIS CAN GROW ON YOUR PARTNER TO BE A ICE BUCKET ON SEX... Try to find it and fix it.. <br />
<br />
5) Your partner no longer admire you as a mate.. just as a friend or father/mother ... BE A MEN... BE A WOMEN... NOT A SISSY FRIEND OR A BORING MOTHER<br />
<br />
6) Do you really satisfied your partner ... What I mean are you any good in bed ? Sincerally ... and not "good for you"... not trust what they say... try to FEEL the trud... what about your other girls /guys ? (not include those horny teens )<br />
<br />
7) Do you smell good ? Come on... YOU WANT SEX YOU MUST BE CLEAN SMELL GOOD, INCLUDING BREATH AND LOOK SEXY...<br />
<br />
8) Money, kids, job, depression, fat, feeling ugly or old... all these are huge turn offs... HUUGE... any of this requires a lot of counseling and PATIENCE. You must solve the cause first.<br />
<br />
9) Virtual Sex is a disease and is causing thousands of marriages to fail... after all nobody will please you better then yourself... same valid for your spouse... specially with the help of xvideos... TRY TO AGREE ON BANNING INTERNET SEX <br />
<br />
10) Some people NOT LOVE THEIR PARTNERS anymore... but are found of them so they will not admit it.. .maybe for money... maybe for fear of being alone... maybe for kids.. .TALK without any pressure and try get the true... do not show your shocked<br />
or will die if you hear the truth... show that this is very important for the happinness of both of you... if you need to hear the true ... be dirty.. say what she or he needs to <br />
confess without worries that they are simply using you... and worst of all... not for sex...<br />
<br />
11) Try new positions, New Locations (very important), Touch new places, the whole body can estimulate not only the penis or vagina... LEARN TO MAKE SEX RIGHT !! HIRE A HOOCKER IF YOU NEED IT... <br />
<br />
Researches says 70% of people does not know either how to get pleasure or to give it... 30% are lying...<br />
<br />
and more...<br />
<br />
HAVE FUN together... SILLY FUN... BASIC FUN... <br />
TALK MORE about each other without subject like the boring problems of life.. .be interesting !!!<br />
<br />
DO THINGS that you know will turn your partner on (if you do not know what are those things... The problem is either the number 1 or the number "You"<br />
<br />
DRESS BETTER !!! ACT SEXY "TO HER/HIS TASTE"... <br />
DO NOT EXAGERATE THAT IS A TURN OFF TOO<br />
<br />
NOT APPLY PRESSURE ON MAKE SEX... FLIRTING IS IMPORTANT PRESSURING WRONG IS EASIEST WAY TO LOOSE SEX... REMEMBER HOW<br />
EASY WAS TO BLOW IT WHEN YOU WAS A TEEN AND YOU APPLIED THE<br />
WRONG PRESSURE.<br />
<br />
IF YOUR **** DOES NOT WORK... USE YOUR TONGUE OR YOUR FINGER...NOT FEEL LESS MEN FOR THAT... LESBIANS ONLY HAVE THAT <br />
AND SEE HOW FAR THEY CAN GO... <br />
<br />
IF YOU ARE A WOMEN AND WHEN YOU LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR NOT EVEN YOU WOULD WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU... "GET CONFIDENCE" A GOOD F...K DOES NOT NEED A 17 YEAR OLD GORGEOUS LOOKING GIRL...<br />
MOST TIMES THEY NOT EVEN KNOW HOW TO DO IT... BUT NONETHELESS GET A MAKEOVER... LIKE THE ONES IN TV.... <br />
<br />
IF NOTHING WORKS... YOU LOVE YOUR SPOUSE AND NOT WANT TO LEAVE... BUT YOU NEED THE REAL THING... GO HAVE FUN ... THE WORLD<br />
IS FULL OF PEOPLE CRAVING FOR SEX ADVENTURES... ALSO THERE IS NO<br />
SHAME IN PAYING FOR SOMETHING YOU NEED... GO TO VEGAS, TO RIO,<br />
TO RUSSIA, TO MEXICO, TO AMSTERDA (definetelly)<br />
<br />
LIVE LIFE !!! BE HAPPY !!! SOON YOU WILL BE DEAD !! <br />
<br />
SO STOP COMPLAIN....

I guess I made the right choice of not proceeding a marriage with my ex as I think I only felt brotherly love for him even though sometimes I felt of having fallen in love once in a blue moon. I thought it was normal to feel so comfortable and yet have no sexual wanting. I should get rid of the feeling of guilt and bad karma from hurting so many loved ones.

I guess I made the right choice of not proceeding a marriage with my ex as I think I only felt brotherly love for him even though sometimes I felt of having fallen in love once in a blue moon. I thought it was normal to feel so comfortable and yet have no sexual wanting. I should get rid of the feeling of guilt and bad karma from hurting so many loved ones.

I guess I made the right choice of not proceeding a marriage with my ex as I think I only felt brotherly love for him even though sometimes I felt of having fallen in love once in a blue moon. I thought it was normal to feel so comfortable and yet have no sexual wanting. I should get rid of the feeling of guilt and bad karma from hurting so many loved ones.

I guess I made the right choice of not proceeding a marriage with my ex as I think I only felt brotherly love for him even though sometimes I felt of having fallen in love once in a blue moon. I thought it was normal to feel so comfortable and yet have no sexual wanting. I should get rid of the feeling of guilt and bad karma from hurting so many loved ones.

I guess I made the right choice of not proceeding a marriage with my ex as I think I only felt brotherly love for him even though sometimes I felt of having fallen in love once in a blue moon. I thought it was normal to feel so comfortable and yet have no sexual wanting. I should get rid of the feeling of guilt and bad karma from hurting so many loved ones.

great post