Can't Take It Anymore

I wouldn't say my marriage is sexless - not technically. But pretty close. We have sex maybe every couple of months or so.  Sometimes a little more, sometimes a lot less.   The sex has never been good. He has never once given me oral sex.  He was very inexperienced when we first got together and I thought that the sex would get better over time.  In some ways it did, but the frequency is terrible and I can see that he has some major hang-ups, too.  He wants me to lie completely still and seems turned off if I express my desire (in pretty normal ways!).

He wanted children for a long time and wanted to see a specialist because we couldn't conceive.  He couldn't seem to accept that we just didn't have sex often enough! (Once occasionally twice a month back then).  Eventually I did get pregnant and of course our sex life got worse.

It's not just the lack of sex, but the way he pushes me away. Makes me feel rejected.  He can sometimes be affectionate in other ways, but I know he fears being affectionate in case I 'get the wrong idea'.  I know he masturbates and has fantasies that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with me.  But I need the sex and the intimacy.  I've tried initiating, talking, pleading, threatening (which I recognise isn't sexy!) - have tried to curb my own desire - all to little avail.

A few months ago, I had sex with another man. It's wonderful.  He's not someone I'd want to be married to - and he has no desire to leave his family.  It would be impossible for me to make life work for my son without my husband. I'm somewhat financially dependent (because of the current state of the economy) and we are from different countries - so if we split, my son might never see his dad (I can't imagine my husband wanting custody).  So this isn't about breaking up either of our families, but helping us to meet needs we can't meet inside our marriages.  I know I'm playing with fire, but I'm not sure I could stay in my marriage otherwise.  
elkclan elkclan 41-45, F 21 Responses Jul 3, 2011

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So how is it going? Now that your farther in...does it make you feel better or worse to be with someone else?

Honestly. I\'m tired of it. But I now realise that the problem wasn\'t lack of sex, it was his passive aggressive behaviour, his verbal abuse and the fact he actually didn\'t love me.

That affair ended long ago. But I\'m with someone else now. It\'s not an affair of the heart, but it has helped to restore my sexual confidence.

Although I don\'t regret it, it\'s not a good way to live. The lying, etc. Having two relationships that aren\'t satisfactory don\'t equal one good one!

Thanks for being honest. I\'ve been contemplating it, just not sure if I want to go through with it. It may just make things more complicated. Someone gave me a site today that really opened my eyes:
I had no idea it was an actual thing. Not even sure what to do with the info now that I have it...Who knew marriage would be this complicated!

Don\'t get me wrong. The sex rocks. And I think for me it was probably absolutely necessary to restore my confidence. But it\'s a high risk strategy!

Yeah, that\'s the thing. Getting caught would be awful! I don\'t want to jeopardize my relationship with my kid at all...

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He wants me to lie completely still and seems turned off if I express my desire (in pretty normal ways!).

That's...extremely disturbing to me. That's not just someone who doesn't enjoy sex but for some reason has the deeply implanted notion that it's dirty and wrong and it's not okay for people (or maybe just women) to act like they enjoy it. And if that's the case even if you manage to get the frequency up it's not going to make anything better-he needs professional help to get over those hang-ups. Does he come from a really conservative religious background?

"He wants me to lie completely still and seems turned off if I express my desire (in pretty normal ways!)."
You should introduce him to my wife. They'll have a blast

Ha. Ha. I've often fantasised about finding a cast-off refuser for my husband. She must be willing to listen to him drone on and on about stuff and accept that he's **** at carrying his share of the load. But he does have a genuinely dry wit that still makes me laugh even though I now hate his guts.

yes...........thats me

This is really hearbreaking to me...

Im only 18 but I realize sex is important key in a relationship...

DEFINANTLY time to move and and find someone willing and excited to please you

This is really hearbreaking to me...

Im only 18 but I realize sex is important key in a relationship...

DEFINANTLY time to move and and find someone willing and excited to please you

happy fourth! i read your story and im in the same boat! but i belive my story will leave you wondering why is she there? let me tell you, you are playing with fire! if you continue to go out side you marriage to have sex, get a divorce! because sooner or later you will get burn! i understand your situation, and im in a hell of situation my self but, just read my story, its call its not fair. if your planning to continue doing the do with this other man, start preparing your self for the out side world, and some type of job training. because if you do end up divorceing, you can stand up on your own to feet! good luck god speed:)

CLDC: Perhaps now is the time to replay Alice Coopers "Cold Ethyl", just for old times sake and to help "warm" the remainder of your day!

Saw video and heard this for the first time. Hilarious. Those times were just so silly, god awful, can\'t make videos like that anymore.

Just get a divorce. Consult secretdivorceDOTcom for details.

Fleece your husband for all he is worth. He is using you. If anybody asks, tell them that the divorce is because he refuses to have sex with you.

Girl you got to do what's best for you.

Daddy happy with no sex.

Momma happy with a lover.

Son happy with 2 parents.

Afraid of intimacy? Maybe he's gay and won't admit it? Or else needs a certain 'fantasy' to be able to enjoy sex and is afraid to let you know what it is. I wouldn't stay with him but start making a life of your own as soon as you can.

I don't know - I think he'd be even more affectionate if he knew there was no expectation of sex. Judging by his 'reading materials' that I've found on and off over the years - he's into women for sure. But I think he has serious performance anxiety issues and IN GENERAL has difficulty accepting responsibility for his actions...

I hope it helps to know that you are not alone. No one but you can discover what is best for you. Whatever is best for you and most likely best for your child. Life is not easy but good luck with whatever direction you go.

Elk, here in Australia the financial settlement must be in place PRIOR to the divorce. Does this apply in the UK? If so, you could leave your marriage and get your financial situation sorted pretty quickly. . . .

I take your point about your son - naturally you would want him to have contact with his father. But that is really his father's call, not your's. IF his father wants to stay in his son's life, he will find a way to do this. If not, nothing YOU do can make it happen. (Been there, done that!!)

Well, first of all. your husband isn't sexless necessarily. He masturbates and has fantasies. He doesn't like you to move????? At all???? This sounds very strange and abnormal...It begs to question what kind of fantasies he has...

If you re-examine your own thoughts you will see in some way you have already answered your own questions.

Here is the "options" list we have to consider:

1) Leave the marriage

As you have stated, you are not in a financially independent position, so at this time you are forced to stay. You mention you are from seperate countries and that if you divorce, your son will never see his father. So I take it you would return to your country with your son. That would not be an ideal situation for the child and so you remain married and in this country...

2) Stay in the marriage, accept the problems and do nothng.

Can you live in a sexless, unaffectionate marriage and just live like that? If you can, you are better than most.

3) Stay in the marriage and outsource your needs.

This is a compromise solution. You are staying in the marriage because of children/finances. You are not forcing your partner to change their behaviors or to seek counseling. I can assure you, Refuser Spouses, breath a sigh of relief not to be pestered/pursued for affection/sex. You are, in effect,letting them live life as they want to live. They have all their emotional/physical needs met. You on the other hand are still not having your physical/emotional needs met. To have an affair does satisfy the requirement.

However, there are caveats to this option. The first is the potential for falling in love with your lover and getting too emotionally involved. It is a fine balance you need to maintain. So both you and your lover need to be clear about is expected from the relationship. The second issue is if you continue your affair and are discovered by your spouses, what is the fallout? Divorce or counseling?

My advice to you is:

Contact a family law lawyer to explain your situation. They will explain what your legal options are and whether your state is or is not a "no fault" divorce" state.

Second, make efforts to gain some financial independence. This will give you some confidence and peace of mind if you are forced to divorce.

Third, do not have anymore children. Having more children with this man is mistake. It will bind you closer to this man out of financial necessity.

Once you have all the facts and then go ahead with the affair if you so desire.

I am making plenty of effort to gain financial independence. I've always worked! In fact, I've always made more money than my husband (til now) It's just a precarious economy right now.

You are right about no more children with him. And for me, at my age, I'm afraid that means no more children at all. But that's the way it must be. I do feel slightly cheated on that score. He wants more kids.

I don't live in the US. An uncontested petition on the grounds of adultery (or unreasonable behaviour) is pretty much the only way you can get a quick divorce in the UK. It does affect the speed of divorce, but it doesn't affect financial settlements a court might make.

Manali, your statement that "this sounds very strange" actually is not the experience of lots of people on this forum.

Many people on ILIASM have experienced the same situation as Elk. IMO it is because the Refuser is not asexual, but has serious problems with intimacy. Sex by yourself does not require intimacy . . .

Yep! I used to get so furious with him over excessive ************ when he did it so much there was nothing left for me. But I now realise that was kinda the point!

Get your Exit Plan in place then boink your lover as often as possible. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If I wasn't such a love addicted ninny who falls desperately in love as soon as a man does something romantic for m, I'd take a lover. Since you don't want to leave your marriage, it seems ideal that your guy pal won't leave his wife. Get that Exit Plan in order then enjoy the sex!

Tess, you are too hard on yourself! You are not a "love addicted ninny" - you are a woman being denied the emotional and intimate connections you need. It is that which makes you very vulnerable to "falling in love" with another person - especially an FWB. This is an ever present danger for many of us on ILIASM who seek to outsource our need for sex. Only a few can do it successfully.

Well said, Enna.

I can only heartily endorse Bazzar's wise comments.

You MUST have a plan in place in case this comes crashing down.

Risky behavior can and oftentimes does reap big rewards. The flip side exposes you to potential large losses.

Play smart - get a workable contingency plan solidified then enjoy your life.

Bazzar - that's good advice! Especially as I have business interests which could be ruined if I didn't plan carefully. We're actually looking at buying a new, more expensive house together and I'm scared to death! I don't know if our marriage can last...or even if I want to - no matter how inconvenient it would be. I really don't want to hurt my son or even my husband. I do love him.

I'd find a reason not to go ahead on buying the more expensive house togther.

Yes Whenif!! Please, Elk, do NOT buy a new house. The very LAST thing you need is a new financial bind. And you expressed the fact that your financial situation is not great . . . so where is the money for this new house coming from?

I concur with whenif and enna30--do not buy a new house now--get some exit plans my dear--it is very important that you are not left standing in the dust as the bad guy.

Ah, alas, elk, I feel for you. It is unfortunate that you had to look outside your marriage for sexual fulfillment, but I can't say that I blame you.

Your husband sounds almost like my wife the other way around. Except I don't think she has any fantasies at ALL!!

Maybe ask him to write down a fantasy and email it to you. You might be surprised. Or maybe he should send you a link to a website or something. Or invite him to come here. This is a very open place, as I think you are seeing.

Good luck

I can empathize with you. It is hard to imagine sex without the oral pleasure, especially watching her ***. It is sad that you have to find relief from another man but I do not blame you.

my situation is different, but near sexless. best wishes.

All marriages end. Either thru the demise of one of the spouses or the pro-active choice of one of the spouses. You, like anyone in any relationship, need a plan to address how you would live alone and stand on your own two feet. This applies whether the relationship is wonderful or awful.

In a dysfunctional marriage such as yours, the need is more urgent. In a situation where you are colouring outside the marital lines, even more critical.

Get yourself an exit strategy together. That's your safety net.

Say you keep playing with fire. Your husband might cop it (when he finds out) or, he might not - and institute a divorce. You do not want to get blindsided by this.

See a lawyer. Find out what the financial implications for a divorce would be. Within that framework of what is possible, work out the logistics of how you would part. And how you would deal with the various emotional issues this would throw up. Get the plan into do-able shape.

Then, do whatever the hell you like. You have a safety net, and whatever happens will not have a calamitous effect on you.

Tread your own path.