Wife Seeming To Still Try?

After talking with my wife last night she offered that maybe the reason she lacks interest is her tiredness due to my snoring. I will fully admit I snore and have been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea. Her sometime tiredness due to this is not a new revelation. I tried using a machine for a little while but quit because I had trouble sleeping with it and my wife poked fun of me cause it does look kind of weird (she has later apologized). Since I am otherwise in very good shape and the apnea didn't make me tired at all during the day, I quit using the machine. She said prior to living together, she'd at least have 1 or 2 nights a week without me snoring in her ear. So, partially upon my suggestion, I slept in a different room last night so she could try sleeping without snoring. This may or may not continue until I can head back to the doctor and find a different solution (which I'll have to do eventually anyways as the problem will likely get worse as I get older).

More importantly, she stated that this new theory regarding the issue is another thing on the checklist (her word) she is going down to determine why she has no interest. This sounds promising to me, as if she really is trying to figure out what's wrong. Meanwhile, she shows all other kinds of affection, spends time making a photo album of our recent trip, and gives every other indication she really does care about us. Sleeping in different rooms is definitely weird, but I'd rather do that and have sex than sleep in the same bed and not. Honestly, sleeping next to her can make me angrier cause we're right next to each other and don't have sex.

My question is, do you think she's legitimately trying to figure this out? Or is this just another stalling tactic or way to put the situation back on me? As I said, I really do snore. Am I just telling myself this might improve?
ealge17 ealge17
26-30, M
12 Responses Jul 13, 2011

Try? <br />
This is one of those cartoon moments where the man says one thing and the wife is just hearing " La, la, la.. " in her head because she does not give a **** about what he is saying. <br />
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The only thing your wife is trying is she is trying to figure out a new way to stop you from expecting her to love you.

notseekinghookups put it best, and most logically too. If taking care of your sleep apnea doesn't get you and your wife back to having good hot passionate sex, then you can simply wait for the next reason. And then the next, and the next, and the next, etc.

I side completely with enna on this one. See what happens.

I think the best thing to do at present is to give her the benefit of the doubt . . . I suspect the other posters here are right - but at least your wife has said she wants to find out what is wrong. This is a VAST improvement on most spouses who simply ignore or avoid the problem.<br />
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Encourage her to do more than talk though. Encourage her to take action - see a doctor, a counselor, whatever. Support her in any steps she takes. But do keep in mind that "talk is cheap" - until she actually DOES something concrete to work on the issue, it is not really a genuine commitment to work on it.

Unless you snore WHILST you screw, this is just a stall.<br />
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Time to chase the next "why".<br />
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Then the next<br />
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Then the next<br />
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Until you figure that her "why" does not matter. It just "is".<br />
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Tread your own path.

While I honestly hope this is a real reason & she will turn it around....it is more than likely resuer play number 12a.: "Blame your refused for the reason that YOU don't want sex".<br />
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We see this with 100% of refusers. In their mind they may even believe it. But ALL of them blame the refused & keep coming up with yet another reason that they don't want sex. <br />
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They will just keep telling you "if you did A, B & C I would be sexual". As soon as you do A, B & C this will be followed by D, E, & F...Then G, H & I. The goalpost is forever moving & a target that one can never hit.

Only you know your wife, but from the outside it still looks like one more thing that is your fault - you snore (like 1000s of other people on the planet who are still getting sex). Also, one thing to be wary of is that sleeping in separate rooms is (depending on where you live) one of the factors used by the court that can be cited as confirming a legal date of separation. Does your wife have plans you don't know about maybe...

I'm struggling with this, too. I don't know how much this is in the control of my husband. I'm coming to believe that it isn't. So there is not point being angry. But whether he can or can't control this - I'm still in a sexless marriage.

Nuts. I have sleep apnea also, and it was in fact affecting my daily life. It was also one of many excuses used by my refuser. I had the exam and now the machine. actually I need it to sleep now. But of course, it made no difference whatsoever ever to my wife. Now she complains about the noise the machine makes. By all means use the machine, but don't expect it to change anything in your marriage.

I guess I'm just having a hard time telling if her lack of desire is out of her control or she's just shifting the blame out of laziness/unwillingness to accept responsibility. If the former, I can be only so mad at her.

you have to have love first if no love nothing will work

Get comfy in that bedroom all by yourself. You might be there for a good long time-- waiting. And hoping, of course. Waiting and hoping until you decide to move on down the road. Good luck, though-- hope wifey figures it out and comes rushing back to you with open arms and an intense desire to boink!