Two Strikes I'm Out!

Second marriage, completely different issues, headed to the same intersection. I'm so glad I found this group, because I didn't even know this was a common problem. My first wife was a sex maniac, and for all of our dysfunction, this was NOT one of our issues. In fact quite the opposite. I think we used sex as a cover up for all of our other issues. I now know that was better LoL. Yeah, so I was blindsided by this. Such is life. So my first marriage failed due to actions and inaction on both our parts mostly because we were both a couple of too young knuckleheads. I changed locations and met my current wife who w!s completely different in every way. We were best friends. Little did i realize her family had treated her so badly she was permanently screwed up beyond all recognition. We're talking immediate family, here. Crackhead mother, crazy narcissist dad, the works. She can't allow herself to trust anyone enough with her emotions. She lied about that through the beginning. She refuses to help consistently with any housework, is inefficient with her time to the point that she seems helpless and reliant on me for every aspect of our married life, although she is school and is great at it. That is, however her ONLY interest. We average a 3-4 times per year sex life. It is still early in a 3 year marriage so I'm not even sure what I'm going to decide yet, but it is nice to have an avenue to vent frustration. More to come, but I must do this on my phone so it is time consuming LoL.
dahammer77 dahammer77
31-35, M
5 Responses Aug 3, 2011

Looks like you have done the autopsy on the first marriage. The autopsy is always more accurate when done in hindsight.<br />
<br />
The only way you'll figure out why this one has gone guts up too is by leaving it, then conducting another autopsy, at distance.<br />
<br />
Meantime, might be best to have a really cold ob<x>jective look at your relationship now, not what it "could" or "should" be, but what it "IS". If you know - as far as possible, what you are dealing with, the way out can seem clearer. Not "easier", "clearer".<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I've been lurking for a while now, and I like the way you have with words. Practical and logical. Which sucks when you're trying to live in denial, by the way :) Thanks in all seriousness.

I feel your pain. My first husband liked sex quite a bit and it never occured to me that a man wouldn't. Sometimes we think we learn from our early marriages but as it turns out we don't learn that much except how to run to the opposite.

How true!

It certainly seems that way. I'm *glad* (not for you) that I'm not the only one who seems to enjoy kicking dead horses.

Odds are she showed a LOT of signs of this early on but your love for her blinded you to the behavior. That's not a knock on you at all. It is normal when you are in the haze of that early intense phase of a relationship. Probably 80% or more of us did the same thing.<br />
<br />
The rest literally had the bait & switch pulled on them. As son as the wife/husband had what they wanted they cut off any form of intimacy. Sadly what many wanted were children. So then they are REALLY stuck for 18+years.<br />
<br />
But so sorry you have to be here. As somebody else wisely said welcome to the group nobody wants to be a part of :-). Soon a regular here will be along to tell you your wife doesn't love you. Hey if nothing else, he is consistent & we love him here :-)

Thank you for your insight. It is one of those things where I know all of the answers to this situation, but dont WANT to. Cutting my losses from a second marriage, at least to me, seem significantly higher than the first. Plus their is a child and stepchild involved. It feels like I will be doing exactly what I thought I was being so careful to not do to him (coming into his life just to shake it up then leave him hanging). Not to mention the thought of not seeing my child every day is horrifying. I think for right now I have to see where all of this goes and seek support in the meantime.

You married a dud. Consider yourself lucky you haven't invested more years in this marriage than you already have. <br />
From what you have imparted to us, your wife appears to fairly inept in managing her own life. Instead she looks to you (and more than likely others) to carry the lions share of life daily responsibilties. She may do well in school because in her limited maturity it is the only kind of responsibility she can handle. You were the "knight in shining armour" who came along and this is your "prize."<br />
Sexually, she may just have never had a high sex drive to begin with. Do not expect sex to improve in quality or frequency in the future if the current output is so low. <br />
This in combination with the other factors you mentioned have me thinking this marriage is a big mistake and stupid to pursue.<br />
Cut your loses, save some time and move on.