Childish Parents

OK just to make this clear I am not the one married (im 17) im talking about my parents. Their like kids fighting over a toy car. They don't sleep in the same bed anymore and just argue and argue. And guess what? I mediate them! For hours I sit and help them with their stupid problems. Im 17!! My relationship is more mature then their relationship, i mean i use my relationship as an example for them!! They are so childish and don't listen to each other, its horrible. You try help people and they just sit their completely arrogant and stuck in their way!! It ****** me off.
Screamalone Screamalone 16-17, F 12 Responses Aug 3, 2011

Your Response


"I have always felt like the parents in my family. "

Do you know that this is a key sign of child abuse? Where a child feels he/she must be the "parent" in the family, there is undoubtedly child abuse taking place. This is emotional child abuse. And your parents probably do not KNOW they are abusing you and they almost certainly do not WANT to abuse you.

What they are is people whose maturity has never fully developed. Essentially they are still "children" who need parenting themselves - and because you are nearest to them, it falls to you to do it.

May I I suggest you sit your parents down (preferably at a time when they are NOT fighting!) and tell them:

* I am sick to death of your fighting each other

* I am NOT going to be your intermediary any more

* If you can't or won't sort things out yourselves, you should get a divorce. You would be happier apart in my opinion.

* From now on I am going to concentrate on MY life - my education, my future and what I am going to do with myself.

I realise you will probably baulk at this but YOU need to stand up to them. Try and develop some strategies like withdrawing to your room when they get started. If they try to involve you, tell them "I'm not getting involved any more".

As for the self harm, recognise that this is a SERIOUS sign of emotional disturbance. You are seeking to resolve your own pain in a way that is very dangerous and will not help you. If you do not want to become an inadequate and dependant adult like your folks, address this issue NOW before you too fall into a pattern of self harming behaviour.

In many ways, your self harming is the same as your mother's drinking. . . . If you realise that you could end up like her, you may find the strength to DO something to stop this now. Ask your doctor to refer you to a clinic or psychiatrist that specialises in self harm.

And KNOW this to be true! If you deal with your issues now, you WILL grow up to be an amazing adult with a fabulous life. And an absolutely FANTASTIC mother to your children - if you want children. But you need to break the abuse cycle for that to happen. If you continue to let your parents manipulate you and to deal with it through self harm, you will have a life like their's or worse. . . .. . I'm not trying to scare you - I'm just telling you how it will be. {{{Hugs}}}

Take care of yourself first. Don't feel guilty for things you can't control.

Just because one psychologist sucks at their job doesn't mean they all do. Please try another. I like the suggestion of Al-Anon.

the problem with seeking help is i live in a place that it is hard to come by help...and as for grandparents to stay with, the only family i had in the same country as me was my grandad and he died 3 years i dont have any other family around me.

i told my councilor at school and she cried when i told her about myself which didnt help and i saw a psychologist that made me feel guilty for how i was feeling...there isnt anyone else i can see here really...

thank you for your help and advice though :)

Try this. Do an internet search for mental health assistance & put in the city & state you live in. You can even narrow it down to free services. I had to do this when looking for help dealing with a terminal wife where medical expenses caused a financial wreck. I had to go through a lot of dead ends but finally found some help. I wish you the best

This is sadly something that far too many parents do these days. They drag their CHILDREN into adult problems. SO VERY sad. It robs them of a childhood & causes issues such as self mutilation.

Dear I am so very sorry to see you are living this. You do however need to seek some professional help. I think somebody mentioned it already but perhaps you should start with the school guidance counseler. Even better if they have a therapist on staff.

In any case please seek out some help. Even if they cant help you they can guide you to somebody who can. Be totally open & honest with the staff. Let them know exactly what is going on. From there they can decide if it is best to involve the parents.

Do you have a close relative like a grandparent you could live with until your parents become less of a train wreck? I hate to say it but for now anyway your parents are not qualified to be raising anybody. Maybe a shock to their system like this would be the wakeup call they need. But whatever happens I do wish you & your family the best. Nothing is unfixable if the concerned parties are willing.

Best of Luck

NSH :-)

You deserve to be parented, not the person doing the parenting. It is absolutely not fair.

Previous posters are spot-on--you need to find a trusted adult. School counselors can do much more than provide a safe place to talk. They have access to resources in the general community that could be very helpful. So even if you don't think anyone at school can be personally useful, think of school counselors as gateways to find assistance that could actually help. You won't know unless you ask.

Have you considered Al-Anon, a group for families of alcoholics? It is similar in format to Alcoholics Anonymous. It's one possibility for finding useful support quickly. Depending on the local community, it's possible that there are meetings each day of the week.

There are other important considerations for you. At 17, you stand on the threshold. Have you considered college? How you will financially support yourself once graduated from high school? Have you started applying for scholarships? What kind of career path would be a good match? The counselors at school can help you sort out these practical aspects of your future. You cannot allow your parents to keep you from focusing on the lifeskills necessary to be out in the world.

What I'm about to say now is a complete stab in the dark, but worth considering. At 17, your parents are certainly aware that you are maturing and can be leaving the nest shortly. As the primary mediator for your parents' fights, they may both be mightily scared about your leaving. They may be subconsciously escalating their conflict to keep you squarely in the middle, right there with them. Remember this truth about dysfunctional families: when one person starts to make changes, particularly taking steps towards health, other people in the system will react to bring the change-maker back in line.

You deserve your own life, free from the psychological pain that finds release in the physical pain of cutting.

Keep us posted on your situation.

I am sorry for the situation you are in. I think it is very important that you get in to talk to someone about the situation, especially with the cutting issue.

Is it possible for you to contact a school counselor to talk about this issue?

Another suggestion would be to contact your local community mental health department. You should be able to find a number in the phone book under government offices.

If worse comes you might be able to contact a battered women's shelter. I don't know if they would be able to provide counseling to you, but they would be able to direct to who could.

Just something to consider.

You are 17. You need to be a kid. You are not responsible for your parents or their marriage.

You have your privacy settings so that I cannot view your profile, so I cannot view your self mutilation story. You say that you feel mature, but the mutilation shows that you are not equipped to handle your problems. That's okay. Your life has been very turbulent and it's common to have issues when you are brought up in this type of environment. And no, I'm not judging or preaching. I had a bad home life and developed issues as a result. I'm just now getting a handle on them. Don't wait as long as I did. If you are in high school, contact your guidance counselor and ask for help. If you're heading to college, most offer free counseling to students. There are numerous other ways to get help as well.

Stay strong.

When you are old enough, choose a woman who gives you a hardon every time you think of her.

Be wary of the fact that lots of people marry people they do not love. It is frustrating being caught in that sort of mess. Be very wary of the fact that some women fake love, passion and ardor when they have sex just so that they can trap a man. They even lie to themselves and believe they are in love when they truly are not. [ It is a two-way street, by the way. Men can sort of fake love too. ] It is easy to get trapped. Look at all of us. We are not much different from your parents.

If you marry a woman who refuses to have regular -- at least a few times a week, minimum -- sex with you, dump her right away. No questions asked.

I have always felt like the parents in my family. Especially towards my mum. Who I always look after when she gets drunk...I have called for an ambulance to come get her 4 times.

The cutting is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. I want to be able to forget about everything in my past and I just can't seem to let it go. I don't know how to

I try to let them handle their own problems but I feel guilty if I don't help in some way. And scared that maybe if I don't help they will end up getting a divorce...

Why would them parting necessarily be such a bad thing, from your perspective ?

Divorce is great if the two people are happier being single than married.

Who's the parent?????? Definately not them. The next time they drag you into mediation, you should charge them the same fees a marriage counselor would. Seriously though, if I were you, I would tell them straight up, "Why don't both of your grow up and stop bringing me into your mess."

I see you've banged out 3 stories in a day.

This one, another about the joys of self mutilation, another about the death of your grandfather.

Reckon the self mutilation one might be the area to direct your talents.

See, YOU could do something about that. Whereas you can do NOTHING about the demise of your grandfather, nor how your parents behave.

Tread your own path.