I Am So Tired of Not Being Loved!

Where do I start?  I am 59 and have been married for 17 years.  This is not my first marriage and I have tried everything I can think of to make this work.  Therapy, Marriage Encounter, buying a hot tub, sexy clothing, losing weight anf keeping attractive.

I am told by others that I have a wonderful sense of humor and  give off warm vibes.  I am a good mother with two wonderful grown children.  I am an artist and have a romantic and loving nature.  My husband moved out of the bedroom into my daughter's room after she left for college.  That has been over 12 years ago and it hurt me so much.  I asked him why he did this and he told me that it was a bother to share a bed with me.  I disrupt his sleep.  I asked him to just come to bed and hold me and share some intimate time with me before he goes to his room, but I got no response.

I cannot go on like this anymore!  I ache to be touched and feel so alone.  Financially it would be hard for me to leave but that may change in the near future.  I have not had an affair but am seriously thinking about having one.  A part of me feels dead inside.  Some people can live like this but I cannot anymore.  The intimate side of a relationship has always been important to me.

There is a man that I have come to know as a friend and he is in the same type of marriage.  We have talked about our situations and I care a lot for him.  We talk and laugh about so many things and he is thinking about divorce because he cannot go on living like this also. 

I have already made the emotional break with my husband but my friend is in the middle of that journey.  I am ready to suggest taking our friendship to another level but hesitate for I am not sure if he feels the same.  We kiss and hold each other but things have not gone any further.  How do I suggest this?  I want to be a little light hearted about it and not come off as needy.  I am sure that he and I could have a very satisfying relationship for he is a very loving man.  I have no guilt about my feelings and am a confident woman in so many ways but, because of the years of rejection from my husband, I am a little hesitant about approaching my friend with my thoughts. 

I would appreciate any feedback on this.  My friend and his wife have been in marriage counseling three times but his wife refuses to be affectionate and has shut him off totally.  It is not that we haven't tried to make our marriages work but our partners do not want to make the effort. 

I sometimes feel so alone and would appreciate any comments and suggestions on this.  This life that I am living is so painful to my spirit.  I wish to all of you that you find your answers on this journey.






dartist dartist
56-60, F
14 Responses Mar 12, 2008

It has been a long time since I wrote this story and my life has changed totally. I am now married to a wonderfully kind and loving husband who is also my best friend. When I wrote this story I was so lost. Focusing on the pain and rejection so much that I came close to making a bad decision that probably would have cost me a friendship. <br />
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Why it was so important to take time to think and start healing myself first. No relationships but the one I had to have with myself. Hard work and also lonely at times but it was the right decision. Thanks for all of your comments. Peace,D

wow, i sooo understand where you're comming from ! i'm in pretty much the same situation. i see this is an old post so i hope you see my response. i've tried to talk to my husband so many times. he just sits there and looks at me. we've been married 35 years. please update me and let me know wheere you are with all of this now.i wish you much luck and love !

Update. Thankfully we never acted on our feelings as we were certainly not ready for the emotional pitfalls of this. . Both of us had a lot of work to do to get balance in our lives. It was a case of two lonely people who met under circumstances that led us to talk about our lives and draw words of comfort from each other. <br />
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I have moved on and am now married to a wonderful man who is my best friend. He respects that I had a friendship that helped me along life's journey with a dear man who remains my friend. <br />
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I would never suggest that anyone get with another person to fill an emotional void in their life. It may appear an easy solution but can carry even more pain. Find one's own balance and self respect first and then work towards things that make you feel better about yourself. Rejection brings shame and depression and loss of self. Finding something that you enjoy doing away from the rejection is a huge boost to one's self esteem. Like dancing lessons. Art class. A book discussion group. <br />
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The point is to get distance from the rejection and find ways to feel better about yourself. An affair is a lot to handle for even self assured people. Finding other ways to feel good about yourself will help you if you ever decide to leave a SM. Peace,D

Dear Dartist,<br />
I find my self so Tired of Not Being Loved! It's not a matter of age or body time. I am 26, I ache to be touched and feel so alone. I have thought about leaving for another person but that may not be the solution. If I got here you just may be in the same place with a different person in a few years. <br />
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I ache to be touched so I think I am going to tango lessons next week. Enjoy my body, and dance. Thank you for sharing you story.

Thank you for this comment. My life has moved on since I wrote this story. The man I wrote about is no longer a part of my life. It was better to let things go and we were never more than friends. I have learned so much since that time in my life. Am now in a wonderful relationship with a man who can give me his heart freely. A much healthier place to be. <br />
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I no longer feel as if I am running away from something but making a choice to be with someone. Life is constantly a learning experience. Now I am treated with respect and kindness. I no longer feel desperate and lonely. Rather I am a whole person. I am glad that I did not push anything with this man from a few years back. I do not think it would have had a good end. I wish him well in life. I have moved on and now have a life with a man that is right for me. I feel very good about this decision. Thank you for reading my story and I wish you all the best in your life. D.

There are times on this site when I see the responses to such heady questions and often the advice given makes me shudder. But everyone here really reached out with such good solid advice on this thread I just had to comment on it! Folks who are honorable enough to clean things up with their current spouses have a much better chance of forming a good union with another where honor and respect are part of the deal. If the marriage is indeed failing and the person asks you to dinner and says they will introduce you and the other spouse green lights the issue that is one thing and damn rare. If not they are married and fooling around and ya get what ya shop for on a deal like that no matter how hot they may be at the moment. <br />
A good man wont try to disrespect a gal but the are plenty of the other kind. So good luck to you.<br />
Not being able to be touched at all would be pure hell in my book so I feel for ya! <br />
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I was particullary impressed with the comment about not going straight from one to another. Ya sound like a fine gal who would be worth doing it right for.<br />

I too am in a emotionless, sexless marriage. Nothing. I know your pain. I feel for you also. I dont want to live like this either. I have lived like this , pretty much for the past 8 years. I think I am leaning twords getting out. The only time I can get his attention is when I go completely nuts on him for attention. The resentment is growing and I am getting more and more angry at him. And he acts like he just dont understand why I am so angry. I would never condone beig un-faithful to any one. not ever. But under these curcumstances I can understand where you are comming from. It is a very cruel thing they do to us. Very cruel. Like punishment almost. If they dont want the marriage , then they should leave it. Dont you think. I have wondered if my husband is gay or not. It's not un-heard of. I know your pain. Iwish you well in what ever you decide to do. Thanks for sharing. I really wish I had some answers for you.

Things have changed between my friend and me. He is going through a divorce and started the legal matters. However, we are just friends and this is fine. We both realize that emotions are very powerful but have backed off from anything serious between the two of us. He will be going through a lot and it is not a good time to get serious with anyone. The friendship is more important to both of us. Thanks to everyone who commented on my story. You helped me to see things in a different light.

I to am *stuck* in a marriage. After reading what you typed i would like to suggest not leaving one relationship for another. I think you may need time to find yourself. I been married for almost 30 years. My health and financial are probably the reasons I am still in this marriage. If I ever leave this one I don't want another as i have been in this relationship since I was 15 years. i am now 46. We need time to heal between relationships as in *bad* ones they in my opinion ruin us. This *married man* your seeing is disrespecting his wife by seeing you. I bet she doesn't even know about you. My theory is if you can't be friends first (you cant be with a married man as he is lying to his wife more then likely) and if he is disrespecting her he is also disrespecting you. The key is to respect yourself then maybe you will find *Mr. Right! I am hoping my own advice to you will work with me. Good luck

Another view from a guy. Sure, tease all you want, but then withdraw a bit and tell him you have strong desires, but they will wait until they can be shared 100 %, not 50-50. A touch or a look at that time can say lots. He may just want to leave you with your motor running, hoping to have it go further. Leave him with his motor running. If he is serious, it will drive him nuts, until he figures a way to be with you. A relationship outside of marriage can last for years and years, as long as you both are satisfied emotionally. A woman like you, who has a total committment to offer, is worth everything. You are worth it!! Don't ask for a decision from him. Just make it so he knows you care, but are withholding the best for what can come later. It is to be shared with 100%, not on the side. Other men will come into your life if he doesn't respond with a 100% committment. Be strong. I know you are!!!

Dear Dartist:<br />
I was very touched by your message, very sad but beautifully written with much sincerity. I would agree with the other comments, to some extent. It certainly is appropriate in most circumstances to implement a level of discernment and sensitivity in a developing relationship such as the one you described. <br />
However, I am the type of person who believes that one should move forward, share your feelings openly and most honestly. As you continue in the relationship the bond and emotional attachment will becomes even greater. Therefore, why continue in this type of relationship if both parties have different intentions for the outcome?

guysogood - A honest man! This is very refreshing. LOL <br />
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dartist - I have found with married men that their intentions with you may be very sincere, but the current arrangement could turn out to be something that they sometimes don't have the courage to walk away from.

It sounds odd, but I am happy to know that there are so many others in the same boat as I am. There may not be a load of good advise we can give, as most of us are stuck in the same way. My husband is very affectionate, just not sexual at all. I guess that is why I can deal with it. If he were not affectionate and loving, I would not be able to stand it I don't think. I would just tell it like it is to him, or mention you had a dream about it or something and then gage his response.

Dear dartist - I am worried about the fact that this friend of yours is still emotionally attached to his partner. Most of all it is important that you acknowledge that this has a 50/50% chance of going either way. If I were in your shoes, I would be just a little reserved about giving all to a man that's still not sure where he is in life. I do hope this works out in your favor, you seem to be a kind an loving person, and I think we all deserved to be held. Humans weren't made to be alone.