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Newly Married Without Sex

I married seven months ago. A 31 years beautiful and lovely person as they say inside-out. I happen to be sexy and with a vivid sexual desire. Bec of my traditions and commitment to religious beliefs, i abstained from sex all my life- with the hope of expressing my sexuality on marriage- which was difficult. It was a short enggagement, and for many reasons, we didn't get very initmate, or sexual.

During the first couple of months of marriage, we had sex twice a month, then every ten days, then every month, and now he has an ED. This was a shock for me, I thought that at least in the honeymoon, we would be intimate all the time and have sex everday. Is this wrong? I know that it will be heavy in the beg, then it will gradually decrease but not to the extent that we have now, nothing for the last 2 months! 

I talked to him abt it, and asked for more in the begining, and discussed therapy with him. He tells me that this has put pressure on him and helped to develop the ED plus that fact that he is pressured at work and in money. For me, the pressure that he (we) are in is natural, its not like he will get fired or anything, we are just working hard to get promoted and he is actually enojoying it and the resutlts in these seven months were great! and with his sharp mind and cleverness, it will only get better for him on the professional level. That's why i can't buy that the pressure we are in is causing him ED.

I feel like I live with a room-mate, we share interests, i respect him alot, i admire his mind and love him as a friend- but as a husband, it is falling apart. I hate some of his habbits, but its nothing i can't put up with. At the begining, he got nervous from my comments on his habbits and was fiercely defesive, now after the ED, and last 2 months without sex, he is sooo nice with me. He cries of fear that I would leave him. He truely loves me. But i can't imagin a future life without sex. I on sedatives that i used to take for anxiety, they help me to face the situation and reduce my sexual apetite.

I feel so tense and depressed.  On one hand i don't want to go into therapy, cuz, it seems that his libido is extreemly low by nature. It is not his fault. He will not be able to administer drugs forever, and if the ED is for psychological issues, it will take a lot of time without a gurantee for remedy or healing.

On the other hand, i don't want to give up and have a divorce. I am afriad that if i ever marry again, i will not find someone who is my friend as he is. Also, i will not be able to stay is sexless marriage. Actually, i don't go out from home and mix with people no more. I try to avoid seeing other men or seeing the way they look at me, and the sad face i get when men hear that i am married or see my wedding ring. When this happens I should feel flaterred, but i feel threatened and anxious when they do that, as is i am telling myself "you might have a chance to enjoy intemacy and sex with this guy". This threat makes me feel that i am betraying him.

Am I impatient, or unfair. To what extent should I try, or wait. I also don't want my years slip away, especially that i have no children. I want to know how to move on.

Surprised Surprised 31-35 50 Responses Mar 12, 2008

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hi dear im shiva u like sex pls call me 9250044117

good luck with that!

Totally empathise with your situation here. Must be very hard for you. Sorry to pry, but have a few questions, before I share my 2 bits with you. Are you from India and was this an arranged marriage? <br />
<br />
Another question is that - are you in love with your husband? I'm guessing not. Then you shouldn't stay in this marriage - sex or no sex.

No Indian :) but Middle Eastern. I, thankfully, got my divorce by end of 2008. I am happier alone than being married to a semi-man.

Yet, I miss and want sex -- naturally...

Erectile Disfunction... he can't get it up..

actually he could get it up ... but rarley ...

he doesn't like to get it up

what is mean by ED?

Erectile Dysfunction ....

I been with the same girl for 13 years. To date, we havent had sex in over 6 months. Is this normal? Im very attracted to her, and use her underwear to ********** myself, to have her smell and the soft feeling. What am i doing wrong? or is 2 week to 6 month a normal time fr<x>ame fore sex after 13 years?

I been with the same girl for 13 years. To date, we havent had sex in over 6 months. Is this normal? Im very attracted to her, and use her underwear to ********** myself, to have her smell and the soft feeling. What am i doing wrong? or is 2 week to 6 month a normal time fr<x>ame fore sex after 13 years?

Hello All-<br />
<br />
I am writing this in gratitude to all of you who shared your experiences here and drastically helped me when I was all alone.<br />
<br />
With tears of love I say: THANK YOU ... I got my divorce last December, now I am about 9 months back on my feet and I am that wonderful Me again :) <br />
<br />
For all of you who live in sexless marriages, give it your best shot then end it. Do not sacrifice your energy, health, happiness, and pleasure. Face your partner, discuss, listen, communicate, consult a doctor, raise flags, fight, and don't ever get pregnant. <br />
<br />
Be practical and patient to close the rooms of possible "what ifs" and to be able one day to look back to where you where without anger or regret. If all venues are closed and the vicious cycle of excuses and dryness goes on and on, Stop and Exit. Do that! Divorce is painful but deprivation is more painful. <br />
<br />
I was lucky because I had my full family support, my job, and my friends. I hope you have this kind of support too. If you don't, please don't fear depending on yourselves and standing on your own. You can do it! Yes You Can! <br />
<br />
I hope the next time I write here, I will be sharing a story of falling in love and marring someone great with whom I have passionate (or at least normal) sex life :) <br />
<br />
Again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart <br />
Surprised!

well honey you do have some issues to deal with, I believe you should find someone to talk to yourself..these issues must be messing with your self esteem. No one should live in a sexless marriage.NO ONE. I do believe that if he can;'t get help you need to run....please understand that we are all here for you ......Master Edward

well honey you do have some issues to deal with, I believe you should find someone to talk to yourself..these issues must be messing with your self esteem. No one should live in a sexless marriage.NO ONE. I do believe that if he can;'t get help you need to run....please understand that we are all here for you ......Master Edward

I have read through these and there is conflicting viewpoints and advice. From your story , it does appear like the classic closeted gay. ED doesn't stop him bringing you on with his tongue. You are only given one life don't waste it in a trap.

You are not being selfish. Sex is a healthy a necessary part of marriage, and a basic human need. When people have sex, it opens you up and connects you in ways that no other interaction does, which is why it binds couples together.<br />
<br />
If he is not willing to get help, or talk about it, then it is he who is being selfish.

Go to Couple's therapy, this way you can distinguish what is emotional and what is physical as far as ED goes.

Go to Couple's therapy, this way you can distinguish what is emotional and what is physical as far as ED goes.

Hi there and sorry to hear baout your problem. From my experiance, for a guy to have a non-functioning penis does not mean the end of the road for you in terms of sex and intimacy between you and your husband. Re the intimacy thing, your husband is probably keeping his distance as a defense mechanism cos he worries that if he even gives you just a hug, it might lead to you wanting something more.<br />
<br />
You guys have to remember that you previously had a loving relationship and you need to maintain that even if his penis is not working. Intimacy is being and feeling physically and emotionally close to one another with or without a penis. Holding hands, talking on the phone, texting, sitting on his lap, talking for hours in bed, doing fun activites together etc is all initmacy without full sex. <br />
<br />
In terms of practicalities for you to have "sex" with your husband if his penis is not working, you both need to accept his penis is just one of his "sex" tools and biologically is mainly for procreation. Your husband can actually still "make love” to you even if his penis is not working. He can turn you on just by massaging you - he should do this for a long time (like an hour) and should use lots of oil on you and focus on your buttocks, your breasts and your nipples. Your husband can also use his hands (clean hands please) as replacement penis and he would totally make you come with this, in fact, it would be easier to manipulaste around your **** with his hand than his penis especially if he is out of practice. Also, you need to learn to ********** using your hands - this will require dedication, practice time and committment on your part so that eventually you understand your body best and know exactly what and how to touch on and in yourself to give you the satisfaction that you need. Intrusct him to do it really slowly and without rushing – there is no formula and no time limit. Just go with the slow. <br />
One of you or both of you will need to be quite proactive around making this all happen. You will need to discuss verbally and agree that you have the same aim around this i.e that you want sex/lovemaking and that your husband wants to provide it to you. The alternative is that your marriage crumbles or that it stagnates, you get fraustrated / resentful/you both live in denial/you stop being freinds etc. <br />
I hope I don't sound to raw or crude, I don't mea to be. My aim is to be helpful and give a very practical form of support to you and not non-specific wishy washy advice. I'm a normal/staright decent mother of two and I've been through this so I can apprecuiaite what is happening and I have also experianced the solution. I'd advise you not to pressurise or let your husband pressurise himself to have his penis sorted out cos this will just make him stressed and embarassed and he'll create avoidance and distance to hide his turmoil. I wish you the best. Sorry about the typos / spelling errors. My spellchecker aint working.<br />
M.

Pray...Fast, a responce will come soon..try everything before you think about divorce. Love is Love, sex is just sex if its not with the person you love. Its understanding that you guys are a new married couple and it is expected of you guys to have sex as much as you guys desire and if you guys trully love each other there should be no problem with talking about it or getting some help. If there wont be help...the marriage will fall apart, if he loves you the way he says, then with just that he should be able to swallow his man pride and get help to have a healthy marriage

**** on that guy!! Sounds like you have been patient enough. Tell him he is a codependant sorry excuse for a man, and he can kiss your *** goodbye.

1st talk you need to communicate then try otc pill like: cobra, horney goat, & then go from thereme i need to feel the love: kissing, touching, getting hot making her (not to be nasty) wet help me keep an erection alil erotic foreplay on here part help. have a good one hotrod860

I know leaving this guy could be difficult. However from your account of things l think you have been patient enough. There are sex machines waiting for you out there. Just do not get pregnant with this guy and leave him. I do not think you will ever regret for leaving him. The life that he is leading now is not what you want. He does not seem to be making any effort. Just take one bold step and leave him and he is going to wake up.

i dont want to sound rude or offensive but whilst i was reading ur problem i automatically considered the fact that he could be gay. the fact is, he is really nice to you, friendly, defensive, you are obviously nice looking if other guys are looking you so its not a physical problem, and if it was an arranged marriage maybe he married a woman to uphold religious and tradtional values (well he is trying to infront of everyone else). not to offend. just a suggestion...

First my Wife was like that and than she quit her job now we are going two or three times a day. Job stress can make a person fill really mest up and a lot of times you would not be able to tell that it is even there. I've been married for 20 years been with the same woman for 22 years if you would like help with this Please let me know before things go so long that it is to late O.K. <br />
<br />
Sincerely: Dean L. Muse

Ever thought about taking control of his ability to control his own sexuality. Yes I am talking about a male chastity device. It made a huge difference for me. I love my wife, I take care of all her desires and have become way more attentive to her needs than ever before. We do have regular intercourse..... either by me asking for it,... even begging for it or her requesting it from me. I am way more aware of my needs, because of me being awake and in pain in the middle of the night or little reminders during the day. My mind is way more sexual active than before. She however is in control, she holds the key and.... she knows it.<br />
She can egg me on, tease me, have her desires fulfilled and than say sleep well honey and turn around and fall asleep, just like I used to do to her. I do love her and will do anything for her. She is the Princess of my life.

Hi, <br />
I can understand how it feels. My wife appears to be very similar if not more than your husband. Things get more complicated because of my size too. I have tried to be faithful but then I don't know for how long.

i wasted years on men like this he is not your soul mate, if he was you would have strong chemistry, i remarried two years ago, and me and my husband have sex virtually every day if not sex , we stimulate each other, our sex life changes all the time as we both have the same sex drive and we always like to try new things together, and with that comes total closeness i have never felt before, we get so much feeling together i cant belive it sometimes its wonderfull, so make the break, dont waste your years.

Honey, lets face it, I think your man is gay. ED is due to the fact he is not turned on by women only by men. He probably got married because, he is not out of the closet with him family and friend. Also, apparently he is not out of the closet with you either. <br />
<br />
Why don't you just come right out with it and ask him if he prefers men.<br />
<br />
Best of luck.

What happened to trying to make a marriage work? Surely if you're ready to back out already, you're not going to be ready for marriage in any foreseeable amount of time.

I love that someone here dismisses an ED as not 'real stress'. It's so absurd that I don't have words..

checkout aven.org looks like your married to an asexual<br />
<br />
get some therapy if it doesn't work out ..pack up and leave...believe me...it has been hell for me and now i have kids... i don't wish it on anyone.

Something is not quite right!!!

umm for me i will say that sex is a natural phenomenon that God arranged for married people on this earth.For you to get married and not have sex with your husband then there must be a problem somewhere.What i will tell you is that continue to stick to your husband but then if as time goes he is still giving you some problems in your marital life,you can decide to move out...

Or there could be a very different reason.<br />
He could prefer men. This could pose problems for him with his religion.<br />
<br />
If a man prefers men, I'm absolutely fine with that, but to be fair on women, they should not marry women at all.