Have Had Enough!
Been married for seventeen years and twelve years ago my husband moved into my daughter's room when she left for college. He told me that it "bothered" him to share a bed with me! I asked him if he could just come to bed and hold me for awhile before leaving for the other room but no response. Sex was always alright for him but, even though I nicely asked him to do what I liked, it was always ignored, so I guess I have not missed a lot there with him. There has been no intimacy since then. No cuddling, just a chaste peck goodnight once in awhile.
I feel as if I am living with the brother that I never had and I am done with this life! I don't hate him just the things that he has said and done, but I do not like him either. We are just killing time here and he thinks it is just fine. I am self-employed and recently had surgery and will be in rehab for some months so no income on my part. That just adds to the problems. He has not been very supportive and we just have given up.
I had put all of my frustration and energy into my work for years but, over the past two years, something has shifted inside of me. I cannot hide my hurt in my work anymore and am going to get out of this marriage while I am young enough to start over and hopefully find a man who deserves a warm, passionate, hard-working woman. I have a great sense of humor, many wonderful friends who are a great support system, two great grown children, and a great zest for life.
I absolutely love intimacy and enjoy giving pleasure and find that these feelings only grow stronger with time. Sometimes I think this is some sort of karmic curse but then I would rather be this way than cold and unfeeling. I love to cuddle and kiss and all that comes after that. Guess I am a true romantic at heart.
I travel a lot in my business and have had so many opportunities over the years for encounters but have passed them all by. I have even been approached by former partners from my single days to start up a relationship but haven't been tempted. They are "former partners" for a reason! One night stands do not interest me. There has to be a connection first and some kind of feelings. Kindred spirits and genuine interest and kindness. One partner from years ago almost got to me, but in our talks, I sensed a bitterness and one time he said to me"You women are all alike!". It was in reference to his ex wife and girlfriends but that was a huge clue into how his mind works. I even took care of him through an illness and was treated like a maid. Got so angry that I just had to take long drives to get away from him. I am so glad that this happened because it taught me that I am not so desperate to take any offer even though I truly loved him years ago. But even back then he was not good for me. So life is a process and we learn who we are.
There is a man I have known for a long time who is starting the process of leaving his marriage too and we are great friends. We talk about so much and share hugs and some kisses but nothing more. Right now we need to be friends and not lovers and that is alright, but he does make my heart leap when I see him. Who knows? It is the best friendship I have ever had with a man and I do not want to ruin it. I would rather have him for a lifelong friend that a brief lover.
Does this make sense? Please respond. Am I crazy for not making a move?
I desire a meeting of the minds. A great sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and someone who is also a romantic at heart and will not settle for less, for those are the qualities that I have. Why would I want less for me than who I am?
I have consulted an attorney and am slowly getting my "ducks in a row". I am leaving this sham of a marriage for me and no one else. I have even told my husband and there has been no change. So here I sit and wonder where life will take me. It has to be better than this.
Have any of you seen the movie "Shirley Valentine"? My best friend gave it to me and it started me on my journey two years ago.
To those of you out there on the same journey, I wish for you much love and happiness. I had to learn the hard way that the first person I must love is myself. Diane