More Than Just Sex

Having been in my sexless marriage far longer than I should, I have come to some important realizations recently. So I am just sharing here.

I tried for the past several years to resurrect my marriage and turn it into the passionate marriage I long for.  This frustrating and futile journey has taken me thru a wide range of emotions, from thinking I was somehow at fault, unattractive, unwomanly enough to attract my husband, to trying everything imaginable to “get him to change”, to depression (fortunately short-lived) to resentment, to my present state of actual peace that I am not the one with the problem, I cannot change him, I am 100% in charge of how I feel.

I have a firm exit plan, and it feels pretty darn good. As I look back, he never was want I really wanted in a man. Silly of me to try to “get back” something that was never there. I have put much thought into just exactly what I want from my life. In no particular order, I have my wish list. I don’t expect all, I hope for most, I am realistic, and flexible. But above all, just checking all the boxes, or even most, is not really it. IT is that warm and fuzzy feeling, just to love each other so fully, to lust after each other every minute of everyday. To just want to throw our arms around each other the moment we are together again after being away, and have that feeling last forever.

I also now know what I don’t want, but this is my “wants” wish list. This is not my order form, and I don’t want everyone to waive their hands wildly screaming; It’s me! I want to hear what some of everyone else’s “wish lists” are, what you think is important to you. Heck I may add some things as I go along, or move some things down my list of importance.

I am in no hurry to find him. I just know that “the one” is out there, and I hope I will just know when he comes along.

So here I go….

Honest - with himself, and of course me. Authentic and true.

Caring – I want someone that really know my feelings, and wants to make me happy

Affectionate – He must like sex as much as I do. Not going to make that mistake again. But so much more than just sex.

Faithful and loyal – I want just one man. I want him to want me, just me, as his woman.

Intelligent – I just need to have someone to challenge me, more than keep up, stimulate me mentally.

A man of faith -  I have fairly recently rediscovered my faith in Christianity. It has been hugely strengthening to me. It is important to me to share this path.

A giving and skilled lover – My needs are important, but so are his. I consider myself quite talented, and I want at least similar skills.

Motivated – Goals, dreams, desires to be successful. I want us to share, and grow and accomplish together.

Confident – I find a confident man so sexy. Secure in himself. Even a bit of an ego is far better than a wimpy guy.

Leader – I want my man to be a man. Decisive, respect me, but also lead me. This is hard to explain.

Playful – I love to laugh and have fun.

Adventurous – I love to travel. I love to do new things. Especially in the bedroom. So many things….mmmm.

Strong – In good shape, I’d love mr buffed, but beer gut slobs, don’t think so.

Secure – In himself, but also for me to just feel safe, no worries about him letting me down. Dependable.

I could go on, and I definitely have a “do not want” list, but that is for another time. As I say, I am in no hurry. I don’t want to really start anything before I have completed my exit plan. I really considered an affair, or FWB thing, but that is not who I am. I could not feel right about that, and I want someone I fully connect with, mind, spirit and body. To complete me and I complete him.

I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I will just trust, and hope, that when it does I will just know, as will he.

OK, too much to ask for? This is my wish list. I girl is entitled to her dreams, but dang it, I am so ready.


Many of you apparently have missed the part that I said this is my "Wish List".   Some things ARE NEGOTIABLE, some are not. I'll let you guess, but I'll give you a hint.... they are at the beginning.

itsAmysturn itsAmysturn
41-45, F
27 Responses Aug 15, 2011

Interesting! Enjoy your journey ... that's the reward. I['m sure you'll find just what you need ! Peace

Amazing list, beginning with the basic, "being wanted". Maybe the rest are more specific versions of that? I know how you feel

My list is even longer...

It has been a while since the story was posted. Have you found him yet? Have you looked, found someone you thought was him but he fell short, or have you found someone who was just downright dirty for you??

I love your brain! Just by what you said & how you said it I'm completely attracted to you....

It was great that you shard this. I really appreciate what you have and are going though.<br />
Many many many men would be lucky to have a intelligent, beautiful, and sexy woman as yourself.<br />
Go for it. Absolutely.

You want ! I want ! he wants ! they want ! and GOD do what he wants.........<br />
No one perfect ? look at your finger, are they equal?

It is not too much to ask for. I am searching for a woman with many of the same qualities. Will i find her. I don't know, but like you I am no hurry. One bad marraige is enough for me. The second time I want it to be the most happy and affectionate marraige possible.

You have a great list. If more men understood your list the world would be a better place. You will find the right one to fill your list eventually. At least you know what you want and that is a great start.

I wish you all of the luck in the world.

It takes courage to make significant changes but if things are broken and can't be fixed it is better to move on. Life is too precious to be wasted.

I Am certain You're still dreaming & wishing, and have taken in all the "insights" & advice. Here's the one You missed because You have No Idea It's Behind EveryThing:<br />
<br />
<br />
DUALITY/POLARITY (Relative~Temporal Realms).<br />
<br />
You Have Aimed Your Wishes In The Wrong Direction...Like Everyone Else.<br />
<br />
LOVE Is ALIVE ~ The Third Presence In-Between All & EveryThing.<br />
<br />
You are attempting to find a body & mind that can meet Your Soul-Spirit & Complete Your DOUBLE-WAVE.<br />
<br />
This Is Where The Oft & Fondly Repeated Quote (usually offered by the Dogmatists) Comes Into Visibility:<br />
<br />
"The Living Dead."<br />
<br />
Few Realize This Until The Last Moment...Many, Not Even Then.<br />
<br />
"To Live" Is To Choose Abnegation of Opportunity To "Know ThySelf."<br />
<br />
The NORNS (Fates): First of Three Norns Is The Old Hag, Arbitrator of "Luck".<br />
<br />
Good Luck.

good luck

With an inflexible list of conditions like that, say hello to eternal singledom.

I think one thing that some folks may have lost sight of is the spirit of that list you wrote. To me, more important than the specifics of the list, was the statement of "I'm NOT settling". Stick to your guns, you're worth it. And you will know when you look in my eyes.

Thanks for all your responses. Pretty much all of you think I am being too optomistic in my expectations. But this is a "wish list", not set in stone requirements.<br />
<br />
By far more important than anything is just to feel that passion, appreciation, desire and love for each other. I just hope when the time comes, I will be able to look into his eyes and just know.

The great wisdom in this intimidating list is that hope will never trump experience, leaving plenty of time to get life's work done.

This is a splendid list to be sure but I sincerely doubt there will be anyone that can fully fill those requirements as they are described. You have described nothing short of perfection. This garnered from your own perspective and while it would be wonderful to find someone with all that you require it will be nigh to impossible to find..<br />
<br />
If you use this this list as your criteria and for an escape from the circumstances you are now in I fear you may be both waiting for some time and wasting a good deal of precious years. No one I know can come close to fulfilling that list of desires you have commented on her..<br />
<br />
I may certainly be wrong , of course , but my years have taught me that perfection is an unobtainable goal in the arena of human relationships. I do wish you well and hope that some of which you seek will be better than that you are now enduring.

No, you're right, I can't fulfill all those requirements. I'm not a man of faith, at least not the christian kind. If only she could find it in her heart to see past that...

Gawd Amy, this is awkward. Couldn't you have just asked me out privately?

Contrary to your approach, I will not bother writing the list before the person. When a man shows up at my door, at that point I would probably try the good v.s. bad qualities list. I would not dare to put the judgement before I actually know the person. Well, it might just land me in the same situation I am right now, dealing with the issue of him having more good than bad qualities; hence, I cannot just ditch him. But still, I'd rather risk it all again, then walk around with the cookie cutter mold, trying out which man would fit into it...Having said that, there is one thing I will never do again - try to fix someone; so it is important to zoom into all necessary qualities (good human being and good lover being at the top) in the man you are consireding as your life partner. And if they are not there, just walk.

You do set the bar pretty high there Amy. Life is a matter of compromise. You may not ever find "perfect" but close is good. <br />
<br />
Of course, how someone represents themselves online can be quite deceiving. Intentionally or unintentionally. We have all been wounded from the lost trust of our spouses we thought would be there for us unconditionally, that have let us down big time.<br />
<br />
It will take time to be able to be assess a persons qualities, trust that they are indeed authentic, and trust in yourself, as you find someone that might actually be “the one” material, to be able to explore that opportunity with appropriate caution, but without undue fear.<br />
<br />
You seem to be recovering well. I hope your path takes you to just where you always wanted to go.

Yikes! I guess this is how a lot of women must feel when the Victoria's Secret ad comes on. Be careful, too in that some of these traits may turn out to be merely the good face of a two-sided coin or the gloss we put on certain behaviors in the early stages of a relationship then then ten years find ourselves on here wondering how I could have married such an egoist/workaholic/domineering/filandering etc. etc.

Congratulations on your focus and intentions.<br />
<br />
Honestly, your list is intimidating - I'm sure you know that. You might find it qualifies good 'uns out too, and clearly some of the items are unlikely to be found together in a single person. It might also be interesting for you to think about what you bring to the table in terms of that list.<br />
<br />
Personally, I'm not so comfortable with your idea of each partner "completing" the other, as I'm more focussed on understanding and growing with the person. Completion sounds a bit static to me.<br />
<br />
I'm interested in your list of "do not want", post that by all means! I'd certainly be paranoid about screening out some issues, even if it did disqualify good people, that'd be a price I'd be willing to pay.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

Amy, it is a great list. I remember feeling exactly like this after my first divorce! The next guy had better be JC on wheels or he wouldn't even get a second glance! <br />
<br />
It is great to have high ideals and it is even better to know what you do (and do not want). When you meet the guy of your dreams, he may not fulfill some of these qualities - but you will know if they are negotiable or not once he is a "real life" person.<br />
<br />
Above all, value yourself. Recognise that some sacrifices are too great whereas others are just realistic compromises. And hope he is NOT "JC on wheels" or he will be IMPOSSIBLE to live with!!

Congratulations on having an exit strategy in train.<br />
<br />
Just a cautionary comment about what may or may not lie ahead in your future.<br />
<br />
enna and I were talking about the "lists" of desirable qualities that we might have listed on a dating site way back when, for a potential partner.<br />
<br />
There are a couple of things that would have precluded me from her short list at the "profile" stage. She'd certainly never have got to reading my sales pitch about what a great dude I am. It would never have got off the ground in such a scenario.<br />
<br />
You are not going to have any control over the qualities these as-yet-unmet-dudes have as part of their authentic selves. Sometimes, it is best to just put YOUR authentic self out there and see what it attracts. You CAN control that.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I think you just described...GOD

My friend, you are a brave and courageous woman....:) I wish you the best of luck , and a deep and rewarding love to find you....!