He Walked Out

2 days ago my husband walked out. He spent the morning while I was at work having his mail redirected, taking me off his credit card and finding a place to stay. I got home around 2pm - we went and had lunch, chatted quite normally, he then asked me to fill in 2 job applications for him online which I did and then we both each read a book.

At around 5pm he announced the above details and said he was going somewhere local but he had been told not to tell me where as he needs space from the ongoing mental abuse - he pulled out a backpack and was about to head out the door but couldn't resist stopping first to tell me the things I needed to do to get him back. Ok, when I say 'tell me the things' he actually vaguely alluded to generalities.

I also got a call from my mother (who lives in a different country) telling me he had sent her an email early that morning about how my parents will need to support me in the next little while as I will be an emotional wreck.

The last 2 days have been the most peaceful I've had in a LONG time, interrupted only by him calling me to ask whether or not I realise how hurtful I have been and that he is almost ready to tell me to go to hell. After one call like that I no longer answer his calls for the rest of the day, I am learning to set boundaries right left and centre!

It looks like I am finally on my way out of this SM! I had already consulted a divorce lawyer so that part of the exit strategy was in place, I don't have much of a further strategy as I am financially supporting us both at the moment and can always leave the country if push comes to shove. As of yet I have not changed the locks although I have had strong advice from at least 4 people to do so, it seems overly harsh, but I have set up for my wages to go into an account that is just mine, I will keep covering the bills of course.

Having said that I can see him walking back in magnanamously forgiving me when he realises his stunt hasn't worked and that I'm actually happier and more relaxed on my own - at which point I will be at square minus one, as him leaving a second time would be highly unlikely (due to his financial situation).

He says he is doing this because he loves me.
Wish me luck.
Rallacious Rallacious
36-40, F
30 Responses Aug 27, 2011

my first refuser walked out after ten years.............I got home from work all his things were gone! he left a dear Jane letter ................. of course it was all my fault he wrote in the 3 page letter............ I had found a pair of shorts he left behind, I took then out to the yard with a large dinner plate and burnt them a symbolic fire...... bye bye *** hole ......... <br />
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later I got on the computer and wrote to all my friends who knew of the a hole ............ I wrote...... ELVES HAS LEFT THE BUILDING LOL

Good riddance! Time to count your blessings. Change your locks or better yet, move to a new location. Don't be a doormat for him when he comes rebounding back. If you feel peace now that he's gone, than so be it. Good luck my friend.

Honestly Rall, this sounds a bit odd to me. It kinda gives me a weird feeling too.<br />
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You damn well better change your locks/alarm system for your own safety, and not care what he thinks or feels about it. Then followed by an EPO if he comes around to intimidate you. <br />
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I hope for you, he enjoys his own space so much - he stays gone. <br />
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{{{Hugs}}}<br />
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Rall.....I am so happy that you are being given the opportunity to have the wonderful life you so deserve to have. Maybe when things settle down you should send him a thank you note for taking the step that led you to your new wonderful life. Best wishes for a wonderful happy future that now lays ahead of you.

sorry I have not been following this, but wow..he played right into your hands, what a duffus! <br />
Did he think you would beg him to stay..apparently not, if he went to the trouble of removing your name from his Credit cards? this is strange. I say change the locks....throw his stuff in the yard with a big..Free!! sign on it and get to the Lawyer!

Dear Rall,<br />
Well, this is a first for me on EP I think! I thought I'd read every possible version of SM and how it manifests itself in people's lives, but I think your husband may yet be due an "Enna Award" for originality!!! lol Solving the SM problem by the REFUSER leaving is certainly a creative solution - especially when it is the Refuser who makes the moves!<br />
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Take your time now to consolidate Rall. You seem to be doing brilliantly on all fronts, but inside you must feel very betrayed, hurt and astonished by his behaviour. Even when you know someone very well and KNOW what they are capable of, their behaviour can still blindside you at times. Your husband has attempted to create a "coup" by his behaviour, but in fact, all he has done is abdicate any position he did hold in your life.<br />
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You've had great advice here and you are obviously coping amazingly well. I think it is important for YOU that you don't rush things - do what you have to do, but DON'T feel t all has to be done immediately.<br />
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And take Wisi's excellent advice about the extra lock. And once in place, ensure you have it engaged at ALL times when you are in the house. That way, if he makes an unannounced return, he will HAVE to knock on the door for admittance. And be sure he WILL be back! That is his certain intent. To give you a few days to really understand how much you miss him, to realise what an AWFUL person you have been, and to resolve to NEVER question him again!! I'm sure he thinks this will be accomplished inside a week - so be certain he WILL be back very very soon. Don't allow that to happen. <br />
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He has handed you control - be sure to hold onto it now. You don't have to be vindictive or nasty - just clear, firm and unemotional (in so far as you can!). And know we are all here for you. {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

and please do change the locks too.

I don't think honestly he does not love you by doing that to you because that is just wrong 100%, However, everyone a male or female should always respect each other and not do something like this. It looks like he was playing a very harsh game and then he comes back by saying he was doing this because he loves you..... I am sorry you deserve better than this guy.

Not being around people who aren't respectful towards me (or others) is something I will be concentrating more on for sure. Thanks for your comments.

Great story. Congratulations on the freedom and your wonderful attitude.

Thank you for your congrats uga :) x

absolutely...change the locks, no question. Better safe than sorry. He's CRAZY!!!!

Rallacious: I"m sitting here, laughing my *** off in empathy with you! OMG, I think you are the master judo flip queen. He thinks he's pullilng one off on you??? ROTFLOMG!!!!!

I had to laugh MR omg, I have uploaded a new profile picture as a tribute to your post!!

Change those locks, honey... how is that "harsh" compared to his performance. Hello!!<br />
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Oh... and congratulations!!! Freedom!!

Thank you FoP, I hope things continue to get a lot better for you also in your new(ish) found freedom :)

Wow, well it's obvious you're a very strong woman. Funny how he thought you'd be an emotional wreck.. I think that's what he was hoping you would do. The less you show you care, the less important he will feel. The opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference afterall. Good luck. And just curious.. how long have you been married?

Thank you Chantalia, I was and I am finding the strength again. We have been married since 2005 and were together 2 years before that.

I agree with the rest, change the locks. I don't know your exact situation, but consider moving to a different location if you can. Wouldn't that be great if he came to abuse you some more and you where not available. I would change my phone number and file for divorce. It is time for you to move forward. <br />
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Good luck

A friend recommended that I not be home around his lunchtime (he works 3 mins walk from the house) incase he came home unexpectedly, not being around to have more crap thrown at me is a really good idea. Thanks for the good luck wishes. :)

I like this friend, he/she is clearly intelligent. I would expand on that advice and suggest this: Stay away from him in general. Every minute you spend in his company, especially alone, is another 60 seconds he has to try and manipulate you (and the situation).

I agree with everyone here who says to change the locks...immediately!! This is not harsh, what he has done is harsh! He walked out, there is no reason for him to have free access to YOUR home!<br />
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You say you're still paying the bills...I hope this does not include any bills that are his alone. Do not continue to support him financially! Pay only what you are responsible for.<br />
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See your lawyer ASAP and move towards getting this bum out of your life! <br />
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Continue to enjoy the peace that comes from not living with a refuser spouse. Good luck to you as you move forward!!

Thanks, I have been through the bills coming out of the joint account and all appears to be in order although I have taken off the overdraft ability. The payments will take time to move over to my new account. Now he's taken me off his credit card, whatever he puts on there I have no responsibility for so that is up to him. Its almost like I have to find that anger again I had a few months back to get me riled up about the fact he walked out. Its so peaceful right now so that's hard - but I will spend some time on it today.

He left, so just go ahead and file, Rally. You said it all when you said that the last 2 days had been the most peaceful you've had in a long time.

I have a virtual appointment on Monday with the lawyer, the first one I contacted was too busy to fit me in (only one in town) this new one is 2 hours away. Oh the fun of rural living :)

You have been given a precious gift-- FREEDOM! You don't have to agonize anymore about leaving-- that decision has been made. Now, do you have the courage to embrace this gift? Do you have the courage to accept your husband's gift and start your new life? I don't think so. If you did, then you would have changed the locks, made an appointment w/ the attorney and you would not be thinking about what will happen when hubby returns. It is a shame that you are going to waste this rare and almost divine opportunity.

Thanks TessieMae - I feel guilty about changing the locks but I will do it. Each new day spent in peace is filling me up with new energy and giving me more mental space.

He can't walk back into your house (and your life) and magnanimously annouce anything if you change the locks!<br />
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And you are financially supporting him per your statement: " I will keep covering the bills of course."<br />
Why? His financial situation just became his problem when he walked out. But you are already planning to enable him and rescue him per your statement: "at which point I will be at square minus one, as him leaving a second time would be highly unlikely (due to his financial situation)."<br />
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You are not planning on exiting this SM anytime soon because you two are still playing games to see who is going to be in control. <br />
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Have fun!

I see your point(s) and I want to answer them for my own peace of mind - thanks for bringing them up! I have to keep covering the bills as I don't want to lose my home, I have covered them for the last 8 years, not paying the taxes or electric bill won't affect anyone but me right now.

He is an extremely good manipulator, I suffer from a lot of guilt. Through my therapy and learning more about codependency I have learned its called 'illegitimate guilt'. This is basically the situation where we have lacked self-appreciation for so long that we feel guilty as a first response to being challenged, we often create it ourselves by telling ourselves that we haven't done enough in a particular situation and that we should be doing something more, something else. This is a huge thing to work through and my misplaced guilt if anything is what will cause myself to fail in this situation. Mentally I know I've done everything I can and I feel peaceful and happy but still I feel guilty!

I really don't want to be at square minus one. Really really really. Thanks for pointing these things out Moxxie, it helps me see my weaknesses with more clarity. x

How about don't change the locks - just add a new one! That way you can say it was for security as you were now alone in the house!

Oh I like your way of thinking wisi!

Wisi the Wise!! How smart you are, dear friend!!

I'm pleased for you! Tell me how you did it!!!!<br />
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Change the locks.

I wish I knew, I don't think it actually had anything to do with me it was just the next play in his version of the refuser handbook. Problem with that is, the version he has is way out of date now - what with women going to work and making their own money these days, I'm betting his is a second hand copy from the 1940s!


His little stunt of taking you off of his credit card, redirecting mail, etc,etc is actually good practice for you. When the divorce finally happens, you can look at this period as training. <br />
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Stay strong. Do not fall into the game.

He has done me a huge favour by doing that as it clearly shows the date of separation, also emailing my mother that he will miss her and my dad etc etc. I wonder if he's emailed his own mother - ha, I think not!

What a loving gift he's given you with his absence. The peace you have felt the last couple of days were thanks to him leaving you the space you needed to realize how much better you are without him, no?<br />
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Accept the gift. Change the locks, keep your cash, and see an attorney.

Yes, it feels like a very special belated birthday gift! I have an appointment on Monday with a lawyer :)

4ME60: "Imagine how unpleasant it would be to come home from work to find him sitting in the lounge again, "<br />
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That would truly suck!!!!

Yes that thought does sort of make me shiver....

Get tough girl! Change the locks. It will show him you mean business, IF he decides to return unannounced.

I am SO happy for you Rall! PLEASE change those locks NOW!!! The fact that he would pull a stunt like walking out shows just how hard he's trying to headfvck you, he just didn't realize how little you'd care. Imagine how unpleasant it would be to come home from work to find him sitting in the lounge again, then pick up the phone and get a locksmith in post-haste.

Its amazing how he can give me his ring back, walk out, pull me off his credit card (which I don't use as I have my own anyway), have his mail redirected, tell his work colleagues I have thrown him out and not see any of that as being deliberately hurtful. He has a very skewed idea of reality as he believes he's teaching me a lesson to be staying away. Teach on, I say!

This is very like the small child who gets angry with their parents and "leaves home". . . . Indeed, his behaviour is very similar to a four year old's!! Try to see how immature it is to protect you from the pain he has inflicted.

Indded, he DOES want to inflict pasin on you - but his idea is that this pain will cause you to come running after him! In reality, it is driving you even further from him. It shows just how skewed his understanding of reality really is IMO.

Good luck. Keep the control. <br />
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Princess KeepYourDistance

Thank you Princess, even now the things he says still make me doubt my own integrity - its maddening. Keeping control and distance will be key at this stage!

p.s. I said a silent "**** yeah!" when I read that you stopped taking his abusive calls. That's gutsy. I am proud of you.

me too :) rawr!

Doubt as you need much luck Rall.<br />
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By taking control of YOU you have made your own luck. (funny how that works out, isn't it)<br />
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Authentic Rallacious. Now there, is a thing of beauty.<br />
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You are going great.<br />
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Tread your own path.<br />
PS - that locks idea is actually a pretty good one.

I like the authentic me. Thanks so much to you and Enna for the time and care you guys take to put these simple concepts up front and centre for those of us who were too confused to see the obvious.

Enjoy the peacefulness! He's done you a huge favor - unintentionally no doubt. Change those locks and enjoy the beginning of your new life!

And it is oh so peaceful, lovely sunny morning today, ate my breakfast on the deck - thanks :)

Wow, girl! Stand your ground -- there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Take this opportunity to get out now while you can. The head games are ridiculous. What an insolent little child he is. If you're the main bread-winner, then hell yes -- change the locks! I would love to see the look on his face when you do. :)

Thanks MissLee - often that is exactly how it felt, like I was living with a sulky teenager! This is the one chance I think - not sure it will come around again.

I thought I would also add a comment from a book I have been reading recently:<br />
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Some people call any ex<x>pression of anger or dissatisfaction, or saying "no", abuse. We need thicker skin than that... there's a difference between appropriate ex<x>pression of anger and verbal abuse. Name calling, intimidation, threats - that's abuse. Degrading, disrespectful talk is abuse."<br />
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This is exactly the issue I have with my husband, I am not allowed any ex<x>pression of dissatisfaction, but he doesn't see his name calling, threats etc as abuse.

Rallacious, my wife used to do that all the time! She's say I was being mean when I was just being firm. I eventually developed a thicker skin to that and used to tell her exactly what had happened and ask her how that was abusive or mean. It seemed to stump her every time.

Ohmygosh. My husband was/is the same way! I think he's been so surprised how well I've done with out him.

I can phrase something in the least confrontational way known to mankind (I got pretty good at that over the years!) and the way he receives the information turns it into the worst personal insult from hell. I can't change how he receives and processes information, I can't change how what I say makes him feel. For some people simple truths hurt harder than they ever should as they apply their own filters/fears/guilt to what you say and hear it amplified. If that makes sense...

Rall, you are exactly right. Some people can never "hear" what is being said . . . instead they apply their own filters, decide to object to the information on whatever grounds, and then blame the speaker. "Shoot the messenger" indeed!!

change the locks so he can't walk back in. If you feel a release from all the troubles of his being there you definitely do not need him to forgive you and come back.

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