I Live In a Sexless Marriage
A common theme found on ILIASM is the acknowledgement that the refused end up with damaged self-esteem. I assert it was our damaged self-esteem that drew us into this type of relationship to begin with. There is no question the prolonged neglect further disintegrated my feelings of self worth. However, I believe we attract what we are; ie, if I am confident, I attract confident people. And the conundrum of this is I can be confident in one area of my life and not the next. It is never all or nothing.
When I met my husband, I had come out of an emotionally abusive 6-year relationship. I was a walking petri dish for finding and enabling a dysfunctional relationship. I thought I had it all together, being the thoughtful, introspective person that I am. But the sexual red flags were evident from the beginning, and I forged ahead anyway.
I am a confident mom, businesswoman, community leader and friend most of the time. People come to me for solutions to problems, and I provide useful input. But, the trap of always focusing on others depleted my connection to myself. I did that to me - my husband is culpable for his part in this SM, but he cannot be expected to carry the baggage I brought into our relationship. My deferring to the needs of others has had the biggest impact in my personal life where the stakes are the highest. I have not told the truth to avoid hurting others. I have not had the courage (until now) to stand in the light, expect that my fundamental needs will be met and set boundaries. Now, I have been clear with my spouse that in order for us to stay together, there are specific changes which must be made, and we've established a timeframe.
Where my great pain comes from is wanting him to behave differently. I've been in that pain for a very long time. I am learning to let go of my need to control outcomes. I used to think I could control everything. My subconscious mind operated on the premise that if I couldn't control things, then I was in trouble - my sham would be revealed. But now I understand that outcomes are not and never were mine to control. In fact, by trying to control outcomes, I disabled others, making them dependent instead of independent. Being true to myself is absolutely essential, and letting what happens as a result of that truth is the only way I can live in a genuine fashion.
I can honestly say that this crazy relationship has contributed to my success in other areas of my life. I have compensated for what I didn't have. So has it all been a waste? I don't think so. I truly have no regrets, but I know I would have regrets if I don't listen to my heart now and care enough about myself to have the kind of relationship I want.
The great mind twist of all of this is the amount of denial I had to continue heaping into my life in order to survive. Unwinding all of this is not easy. I created a parallel world which was ok until my pesky heart decided it was was going to die if I didn't wake up. That parallel world was comfortable and familiar. In some ways it still is. I sometimes want to put the genie back in the bottlle. But like poet David Whyte says, "Revelation must be terrible knowing you can never hide your voice again."
When I met my husband, I had come out of an emotionally abusive 6-year relationship. I was a walking petri dish for finding and enabling a dysfunctional relationship. I thought I had it all together, being the thoughtful, introspective person that I am. But the sexual red flags were evident from the beginning, and I forged ahead anyway.
I am a confident mom, businesswoman, community leader and friend most of the time. People come to me for solutions to problems, and I provide useful input. But, the trap of always focusing on others depleted my connection to myself. I did that to me - my husband is culpable for his part in this SM, but he cannot be expected to carry the baggage I brought into our relationship. My deferring to the needs of others has had the biggest impact in my personal life where the stakes are the highest. I have not told the truth to avoid hurting others. I have not had the courage (until now) to stand in the light, expect that my fundamental needs will be met and set boundaries. Now, I have been clear with my spouse that in order for us to stay together, there are specific changes which must be made, and we've established a timefr
Where my great pain comes from is wanting him to behave differently. I've been in that pain for a very long time. I am learning to let go of my need to control outcomes. I used to think I could control everything. My subconscious mind operated on the premise that if I couldn't control things, then I was in trouble - my sham would be revealed. But now I understand that outcomes are not and never were mine to control. In fact, by trying to control outcomes, I disabled others, making them dependent instead of independent. Being true to myself is absolutely essential, and letting what happens as a result of that truth is the only way I can live in a genuine fashion.
I can honestly say that this crazy relationship has contributed to my success in other areas of my life. I have compensated for what I didn't have. So has it all been a waste? I don't think so. I truly have no regrets, but I know I would have regrets if I don't listen to my heart now and care enough about myself to have the kind of relationship I want.
The great mind twist of all of this is the amount of denial I had to continue heaping into my life in order to survive. Unwinding all of this is not easy. I created a parallel world which was ok until my pesky heart decided it was was going to die if I didn't wake up. That parallel world was comfortable and familiar. In some ways it still is. I sometimes want to put the genie back in the bottlle. But like poet David Whyte says, "Revelation must be terrible knowing you can never hide your voice again."
By:
morningteatime
Age:
56-60
,
Female
