What Does God Think About A Sexless Marriage?

I am a Christian but my wife isn't. I have been tortured for the past 3 years with a sexless marriage and have decided to seek what the bible says about marriage and sex, and what to do in this case. Withholding from your husband/ wife is definitely sexual abuse and I found it very interesting as to what the bible has to say about this.

I am first going to paste "1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (NIV)
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to (marry)have sexual relations with a woman.” [2] But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. [3] The husband should (must) fulfill (to perform as Duty, satisfy, fill or meet a need or want) his marital (sexual) duty (moral or legal responsibility or obligation that arises from ones position) to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. [4] The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. [5] Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9(NIV)
[8] Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. [9] But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. [15] But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. [16] How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I first want to talk about verse 1,2,8,and 9. It is saying that it is good not to marry/ or have sexual relations. But because there is so much sexual immorality each man should have his own wife and vis versa. This is setting the stage for the main reason for marriage. You see, marriage was gods provision for the god created sex drive. God made our sex drive and it is good and holy within marriage. In fact god made marriage to be "set apart" (holy) from all other relationships. Sex is suppose to be the factor that set the relationship apart from all others, bringing the relationship from friendship to marriage. This is why a marriage can be annulled if the marriage hasn't been consummated (to complete the union of a marriage by the first marital sexual intercourse) Marriage is about intimacy, not only sexually, but emotionally and physically. The marriage covenant (an agreement, usually formal, between two or more persons to do or not do something specified.) is a formal and public contract for sex! And this is the only God approved and blessed way to fulfill our sex drive. You see marriage isn't the answer, it is sex in marriage!

Now verse 3 the word shall, means must, fulfill or bring to completion the marital/ sexual desires of his/her partner. This is the ultimate form of selfless love for our partner. You see when we have the need for food, we can meet this need on our own, by going into the kitchen and making a sandwich. But our sex drive need, completely depends upon our partners love for us and willingness to fulfill our sexual needs and desires. Will they respect the covenant they made with us? If they don't, they are performing fraud and depleting you of your marital rights. You see the wedding vows they repeat say, " to have (posses, enjoy regularly) and to hold, in sickness and health for richer and for pourer. Marriage is simply a life long promise/ commitment to fulfill your spouses sex drive, no matter what. A spouse should ask there partner regularly, are your sexual needs satisfied? Do you feel loved?

In verse 4 it says the wife doesn't have authority over her own body, but her husband does, and likewise the husband doesn't have authority over his own body but his wife does. You see marriage is the joining of 2 people and God. God is Love! In marriage God sovereignly removes the authority (to have rights over, or have exclusive claim to) over your own body and gives it as a heavenly wedding present to your spouse. This removes sex from the reward and punishment realm. So sex is not to be witheld as a punishment or bestowed as a reward. Sex is not to be offered because you've been good, or bad. It is simply the responsibility of the partner that is being initiated upon to respond and fulfill there partners desire.

Verse 5 says if you are to separate it must be done by mutual agreement. Because you no longer have complete authority over your own body through the marriage covenant. And if you both agree to separate, it should only be for a short time, with a "come back together again date" so that Satan doesn't temped either of you.

Now, down to what God might say about what to do if your partner is withholding from you, for no real reason or physical ailment.
I know this theory doesn't go over well in the modern day church, but God has put some verses in the bible that have caused me to really look at Gods intent for marriage. If you boiled the whole bible down to a short sentence, it would be love the Lord your God with all your heart and love your neighbor as your self. God wants us in humility, to esteem others better than our selves. But I believe we have a responsibility to respect ourselves and care for ourselves as well as others. If a woman was being physically abused, what would a pastor tell her to do? He would most likely tell her to remove herself from the abusive situation. Likewise if your partner is withholding sex from you, they are depriving you of love, respect for there marital covenant, defrauding you, and it is a down right a form of sexual abuse, that hurts your mind and emotions and constantly causes you to live with no peace in your thought life and in your relationship with your spouse.

Matthew 5:31-32
31[It has also been said, Whoever divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce. ] [ ] 32[But I tell you, Who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness, causes her to commit adultery, and whoever marries a woman who has been divorced commits ] adultery.

After reading this it seams like your spouse would have to sleep with someone else before you can divorce, right! But if you look up the word "unfaithfulness " it is defined as, (not true to Duty or obligation or promise) remember in verse 3 it said that the husband shall (must) fulfill his marital duty, and likewise the wife to her husband.

Also in 1 Corinthians 7:15 it says, if the unbeliever( in God/ love) chooses to leave, (excused from work or DUTY, depart, remove oneself from an association with or participation in) let them do so. A believing man or woman is not bound (liable or obligated) in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace ( a state of mutual harmony between people, especially in personal relationships)

It is amazing what you can discover by looking up definitions. The word leave can not only mean leave physically, but also if they excuse themselves from there marital Duty, or "remove from the participation in" the marriage, or sexual covenant.

I am still married but am living separately from my wife and I have been cautiously seeking answerers to this very painful experience called marriage. I want to do right before God, and what I feel I have been discovering in my study is against what my church believes. Could this be Gods heart or do I have to wait around and be tormented for an indefinite time? I love my wife, but she doesn't love me. I have tried everything to win her heart, but nothing has worked and now I find myself feeling bitter, and angry all the time twords her. I want to live in peace, but I would have to leave my church if I were to file for divorce. It is the only conclusion I have left. What do you all think?

Jstile37 Jstile37
39 Responses Sep 9, 2011

Your loyalty is with Yahshua or at least it should be. Not only concerning this but everything He told us to do. I am in this situation myself. I love Yahshua and keep His commandments as the Scripture says we must. I love my wife very much also and I miss the holding hands and snuggling, kissing and the sexual intimacy. This was not a issue until about four years ago. Now I feel like a jerk even having to bring it up to her, knowing that her heart is no longer in it. I am not going to leave her for this, she is my second best friend that I have. I know that Yahshua will a peaceful resolution to your situation and mine. My Hebrew ancestors would not have had a difficult time with this because their culture was such that men had sister wives, which is one reason I really think YHWH had this situation and other situations in mind when He made that provision in our Covenant. However the mindset of women and men was quite different then. YHWH may work out a situation, where in my case I can keep my wife and enter into a Covenant marriage with another but I want YHWH to place that on my wife's heart and agree to it.

I have been married for 16 years. My husband stopped having sex with me 6 months after our daughter was born...11 years ago. About 5 years ago, I asked him if we were ever going to have sex again, and his responded "it's broke." He is very controlling. He controls all the money, makes all the important decision without asking my opinion. He give me an "allowance" to buy groceries, etc. Yet, he buys himself the best of everything. He is a "medical professional", yet he refuses to help me pay for some medical bills I incurred. I was a stay-at-home mom until about 4 years ago when I went back to work part-time. I want to leave the marriage at this point, but I am afraid for my financial future, and afraid of how it will affect my daughter. She is very close to her dad. Any advice?

To get a divorce would be wrong, and it would be wrong for you to get married. Only the Lord can give help to people in situations like yours. He is able to help us, but often it may not be in the way we want to receive help. Its too late to tell you not to get married to an unbeliever, because you already are. If she wants to leave, then by 1 Cor 7, you can let her, but even then the Bible in Mt 19 says if the divorce is not b/c of adultery, then you can not get remarried without committing adultery. Let me ask you something, please...is the Lord able to help you do what His word says to do? Now, you may disagree with what you believe the word of God says from what my understanding of the passage is, but you or I believing or not believing something is not the thing that makes it true, we just need to make sure we receive the teaching of the Lord, and then in Him, walk it out. May the Lord give you His truth, and may His truth set you free to obey Him, and one day when you are before the throne of God, you will be able to count all this torture you have gone through, if gone through for Him and in Him, all Joy. Lord bless you!

Dear hurting person,
I have been a battered wife for 34 years. I have been saved for 32 years. After years of much neglect and pain, and through 8 years of reading and counsel my eyes opened! After the last screaming at yelling at me, 3 months ago, I "jumped off the roller coaster ride". I literally detached myself from the cycle of abuse. This had to include intimacy. My husband was saved, then back slid 31 years ago. 8 years ago the Lord told me to fast and pray for him for 1 year. I layed down my life for, not only my husband but my Christian brother. A higher love than emotional and physical love. 6 years after that, no change occurred with him. I asked for a divorce 2 years ago. he has many problems. He bottomed out and got saved. I feared what the "church" would say but I got support and understanding. He agreed to get help but quit after 2 sessions. A few months after that He got Acute Myloid Lukemia. He is in remission. He lost 90% of his teeth years ago due to smoking. I begged him to stop because I missed the kissing. I still miss it, it's been so long. he has many sicknesses, he has worn me down. He won't help himself. I feel like the beaten dog that keeps coming back to its master but finally, after the last straw, the dog turns and never trusts the master again. (I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO DIVORCE.) My husband is sad over this, but will not get help. When I jumped off the cycle I instantly began healing. Years of emotional scars and wounds I didn't even know were there came forth. This could take years, so I am told. he should be getting healed while I am. I have been divorced in my heart for about 5 years now. I am not planning to actually leave. and I have no temptation to commit adultery!! I rather be by myself. As far as matthew 5 you need to learn Jewish Law about marriage. Some scriptures do not mean what you think. Strict Orthodox Jews would abuse their wives by writing a certificate of divorce. Or forbid them to leave by not giving that special certificate. Jewish Law provides for divorce in cases of physical, emotional, or provisional neglect. Also, that "for better or for worse, richer or poorer" is a manmade catholic thing. Yes, we remain married through trials, but what if you got poorer because a spouse gambled and drank the $ away? Or did drugs and earned a heart attack? Your spouse must be confronted, a crisis situation must be made to start intervention, a detailed list of offense should be made, you need to explain and give a target date for her to get help. NO talk, action. If she doesn't listen then 2 people need to go to her, perhaps you and a pastor. DONT WORRY ABOUT THE LIST if you're thinking about "Love keeps no records of wrong". God has a record until we repent, then it's wiped out. FRUIT of repentance!!!! What's tricky about abuse is that the abuser can be "good" for weeks, months, or years, then wammo! That's why it can take a long time to see it. Now that I am educated about it, and all people should be, I can see "red" flags in people a head of time. One last thing: In relationship 2 wholes make a whole, not 2 halves. Get healed and get really close to God, he will show you what to do.

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So it Sounds like from your last post you are giving up
the "love of Christ" for the love of pleasure and this "passing world and it's desires." Wow! Thank you (and all on here saying "leave her" she is cheating) for teaching me by example what I should NOT choose.

I'm sure by now you likely have "fallen away" from the faith/Christ as an "adulterer" now who is CERTAIN TO NOT INHERIT THE KINGDOM, made your wife into one and if she or you again chooses to defy Christs commands and "remarry" you will volley both your everlasting lives in hell on the detestable choice to do things that GOD says he expressly absolutely HATES.

You are supposed to love Christ MORE than your wife/kids/family etc. To be willing to "deny yourself" - welcome to how difficult it is to truly follow Christ for that everlasting reward! Reason 235664221 why the gate leading to everlasting is narrow, and to destruction is WIDE.

You are complaining about a "sexless marriage" not realizing that when you get the divorce you so desperately seek to justify you WILL NOT be able to remarry or have sex with someone else ever again until your wife you "claim to so love" DIES. That is also biblically backed up.

The God of the Bible doesn't always want you to "be happy" - that's the worlds god, ie. your own god/the enemy "touting gratifying the flesh" tricking you in your eyes whispering in your ear and creating more contempt and gripes about your wife that may not be justified..is she really a detestable person / wife to be saved with?? There is no right "one." Surely God doesn't "want you to be miserable" but, God honors who YOU chose, period. You/we make ourselves miserable by how we perceive Gods Word. It's not Gods fault you choose selfishness over serving Him and you will reap the consequence on judgement day. You aren't here to serve your wife, or to be served at all, you are here to SERVE HIM.

When you're married you are married now to "the one" for better or for agonizing sexual worse. Even when you are reluctantly through His grace, divorced, you are apparently still "married" in Gods' eyes.
God sees marriage as permanent, period.

If you divorce, then know this ... you cannot remarry someone "more sexual" -- you cannot remarry AT ALL til she dies and the irony is you will have to remain celibate to "CONTINUE in the faith" to truly follow Him after divorce...

A man is to love his wife as God loved loved the church. I am a man there tuff times gods has always wanted you to turn to him. In the good times and bad in his love is forgiveness. You will find it impossible to move forward unless you forgive. This in bad times can be done but long lasting with God. You are right about what is in the book about what wife and husband should do but we are all flawed. Forgive first then move forward with love not anger. Love mening god and his word be the example first of his word then the rest follow as God intended.

I am also in the same boat. I have been married since 1/1/12 and our wedding night was the beginning of four years of pain, therapy and rejection. Nothing has changed except I stopped asking for it because it causes big fights or if I am "lucky" I get the bare minimum of pity sex which just makes me feel more sad. I have prayed, been prayed for, and we have spent lots of money on several therapist. My husband is my best friend but I wanted a husband too hence the marriage. Not sure what to do. I feel stuck. I love God and do not want to divorce but I can't make my husband change and I don't know how long I can go on like this. It all saddens me so.

I've been living in hell for a decade and two months now.

Since our first night till two hours earlier I've been struggling to get it from my wife.
I will say for no reason because I tried to get the pastors to help me but to naught.

She can't say why, I regret why I got married.

Wow thank you! Just what I needed" so sorry you have to deal with this , I'm in the same situation but I'm still living with my wife to save our marriage.

I"m so sad... I was married for 10 years to a guy that I wasn't attracted to for many reasons... We were in a sexless marriage for a few years and we ended up divorcing in a very loving way for we were best of friends... just not lovers and for sure not going in the same direction spiritually. Our marriage was not performed in a catholic church or even a priest... so when I came back to my faith... I was able to remarry.

My new husband two years and I are devout catholics under the Latin form... before vatican 11 and we are struggling... We both love each other very much are in our 40's don't want children because of our age but are open to it if it happens.

My husband is constantly withholding sex from me because of this... and because we like oral sex etc and the truth in the latin form,.... is that it's not allowed.... I've tried to convince myself that it's okay... tried to loopholes but the true form doesn't allow for the kind of sex that I want.

The worst part is that I want to engage in mental domination and it's something that I've wanted for a long time but wouldn't engage in this with my former husband because there was no attraction. Now I have what I want... and the church says I can't explore...

I realized today that my sexuality might just be one of my crosses that I have to carry. I'm incredibly sad about this and feel angry ... but when I turn it around to God's Will not mine... God's Desire not mine... there is a surrender that is happening... My husband and I have to find other ways to be intimate and vulnerable with one another and my body isn't going to get what it wants... and the ache that brings to me is hard to even breathe into... but being catholic... doesn't mean that we can pick and choose what parts to follow and disregard the parts that don't serve me....God hasn't changed... the world has...

I just needed to anonymously vent this because these feelings are so hard to hold... I know the answer and there really isn't any gray areas... But it's so hard to swallow

I am sorry you both are having problems in this area.
Let me be clear in saying that we all, all of us no matter what church we go to,
need to get what the Bible says and not what a pastor or priest or leader says about
from the authority of the Word of God.

Please read this verse...and you can respond to it as you are led by the Spirit of God

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

If you and your husband want to have a sexual relationship that does not go against the teaching of Scripture in principle or in a command for the context that you are in today, then be set free by the liberty of the Word of God.

If you know Jesus as your Savior, according to the Word of God, then you are part of the Church, His body, and rest and trust in what the Word of God teaches for the Church if you are apart of the Church. For example, under the law of Moses given to Israel, there is at least one thing you could not do then that you can do now, if both the husband and wife are in agreement. so trust in the Word, and allow the Spirit of God to be the teacher to you both in this area, and may the Lord give you His desire for you both to what a whole and holy enjoyable and fulfilling relationship in the marriage bed that He has made, and that He has made holy, that is ultimately given to you for bring glory to Himself! Lord bless you.

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Sounds like Catholocism of a Church, and to the correct contrary from your research on God's Word, written years ago and still applicable to us today, withholding sex for longer than a person may Fast is equivalent to cheating as it too is a form of sexual abuse. Per man's Law, withholding sex is grounds for legitimate divorce. As a seminary student, I commend your efforts to stay true to your marriage vows and work on your relationship with your wife. However, there appears no remaining relationship other than a legal document that need be made null via divorce. Good luck, and God bless.

Although the bible was written 2000+ y ago, God's values has not changed. God entrusted Paul to be a vessel and would have silenced Paul's words if the were not of God. Intellect and the bible are not
always hand in hand. I am also in a sexless marriage. Mine is due to my husband having to take medicines that keep him from performing. I am completely understanding about the whole thing. We have tried it all, the new drugs they have to help like on tv, but they make him feel sicky for days afterwards. It has been some 3 yrs and the anguish of not being able to, is still ther and he has lost the desire and dodges even the discussion of it. I remember the vows of in sickness and in health and try to stand by him. But my passion and desire are still there and not a passionate kiss or even a hug is there anymore. I Feel bad for thinking of leaving and don't because of the same vows. We are not spring chickens or roosters any more but we are healthy for the most part and look for hope in the future. Try not to become angry and bitter, but do make it plaine that if love is not there, do weigh the options of duty and base leavingg on that. I'm in it for the long haul...

Mmmmm...OK he can not perform, and justifiably, BUT he has to swallow his pride and do things that will please you sexually....end of story

Jstile, pls keep perspective on the bible passage you quote. It was written 2000 years ago by a celibate and self-described woman - hater (Paul) from a desert tribal society. The bible has a lot of great wisdom and literature, but it must be read with the historical context in mind.

I'm the wife in this case of abuse. I have been married for almost 5 years. I should've seen the warning signs on our honeymoon when he didn't seem interested but I let it go as me being paranoid. It hit me a month later "Huston, we have a problem." I have tried everything!! Lingerie, taking showers together, massages, crying, begging, getting mad and storming out, requesting marriage counseling all to no avail! I don't love my husband anymore! I haven't for a long time. My pastors wife says God wouldn't bless me if I left so, I stay. I hate my life.

I am a Catholic, been married to my husband for just over 1.5years. It has been the most difficult and traumatising experience of my life. I love him. And I love God, more than anything! I'm close to calling quits on our marriage (and I have never ever ever ever wanted to go down the road of divorce!!!!!!!!!) but the lack of intimacy is driving me crazy! I feel sick a lot of the time. I have negative thoughts. I'm angry with him a lot of the time. There is no way God WANTS us to live a miserable life-then we are no help to anyone else-how can we love our neighbour?!?!?!?
My husband has a date by which he needs to have booked us in with a psychologist or I'm leaving. I know that if my husband was upset with me doing/not doing something, I change/adapt so as to make life easier and more pleasant. By that reasoning, I expect that he will make the effort in working on this aspect of our marriage. Because right now, a lot of the time, we are just flat mates, who barely see each other. Noone should be living unhappily-look into Opus Dei :D

What a terrible dilemma! Not likely anyone will stay in a situation they hate forever.
Do you still agree with the pastor's wife?

BS, leave

So I feel like the oddball out I'm struggling with all the same things but I am on the reverse side' of it all. I am the wife who has been desperately seeking answers to why my husband has little to no desire for me at times. It is slowly destroying my confidence I feel so undesirable. Aren't men supposed to be the one with a strong sexual desire? Am I that awful to him that I can't get him to think of me that way? Not to mention we are a young couple I'm only 26 years old he just turned 30. My husband struggled with the spirit of lust his whole life hed watch **** and look at magazines which tore me apart now that he doesn't because he wanted deliverance from it, he now his most it all. So he says. I don't think god would take his desires away from his wife. That doesn't sound right to me. I cry almost every night, every time we lay together is one more reminder that my husband who I love and want to be intimate with just doesn't want me back. I'm emotionally and physically in pain over it I need the lords guidance.

Dear Mandlelynn

I am so sorry for you. I just came on here to reply to something written below and saw your post. I know it won't help much but you are not alone. A lot of men are sexless too. It might be the reasons are different than for sexless women. He could have a low sex drive - in which case he should contact a GP. He could be secretly addicted to **** and this might be a problem. He could be asexual or having an affair. There are many possible reasons.

But please do take my advice. If sex is important to you - you MUST deal with this issue now while you are young - particularly if you are yet to have children. I have just "celebrated" 30 years of almost entirely sexless marriage and it gets harder not easier - please take my word for it. In many ways I now regret not leaving my marriage many years ago.

If I were you I would confront him and say it is unacceptable. Take him before the leaders of your church if necessary and ask them to speak to him and set out his husbandly duties (I Corinthians 7). And if he won't change, then Christian or not leave him before its too late and find someone who will love you and take care of your needs.

I hope things work out for you.

Hi Leander1957. If you don't mind me asking, where are you in your marriage?? I read your post above and hope you know, it is NEVER too late to find happiness :) I pray for you!

i agree. please leave if he doesn't change and don't wast your life living this way.

God bless you. How is it all now? I too am in the same situation. It's not fun! This is my first time posting online to see who else is in the same boat. It's like you're mourning the loss of your loved one. :( I'm really sorry.

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God creating marriage to be HOLY not Happy. That is why he so clearly states to not marry someone unevenly yoked. The culture will always give you a way out. With prayer and petition we fight for our marriages. If someone had cancer, wouldn't you pray day in and day out? It doesn't sound like you asked God who you should marry? As a follower, you might be the only example of Christ to your wife. God may have a greater purpose for your marriage? Don't allow the culture to sway Gods word. The Great commission is still in place. When her to Christ not sex. Holiness should be our pursuit, not happiness

My wife is more of a conservative Christian than I am and we have discussed these verses many times and sometimes it gets better, but only for short times and then it seems to get back to.... "Is that all you want???" I still think that after 24 years of marriage it gets back to the age old teaching of the your sexual immorality is wrong and the "bridle your passions" phrase... She tells me that she knows that God wants us to be close and "enjoy each other" (my words).... But even after 24 years of marriage she does not open up completely to me.... I still think it has more to do with her conservative christian up-bringing..... We were both virgins when we married because we believe that sex without marriage is wrong... But I also believe that God wants us to be happy and our SEX drive is part of that (God Given).....

And here I was thinking this was just happening to me. I feel for all of you. In my situation, my wife is happy not having sex with me and makes it seem like she doesn't want sex at all - but I found and confronted her on many emails from her now ex-boss where they used to kiss, fondle, etc - I'm suspecting sex but can't confirm and she won't admit. But in those emails she would talk about passionate sex, in the morning and at night and the things they would do. It was hard to read this when I discovered it. We are still together - her boss, who is married with kids (we have as well) verbally stated in an email he will not leave his wife and kids for her and after getting caught has decided to go cold turkey from my wife. She never was into me in a sexual way from the beginning. Didn't have intercourse until 4 years into our 14 marriage and I made that allowance for being a virgin and it was always to painful. But the reality is she doesn't like those areas that please a man. Even going to the OB she has a hard embarrassing time because she doesn't like to be touched. I won't divorce her because of the sake of the kids but it is very hard and we get into lots of fights for silly things. The person who said sex is 10% of the marriage but 90% when absent is spot on. It's all I care about now from her and not really interested in anything else. God is back in my life and this time I am hoping I do not shut him out because I always find myself being drawn back into my faith. For some reason God wants me and wants me to have eternal life as he does for all of you and I always find ways of him communicating this to me. I want to stay on track but this is so hard in today's age with what's on TV, movies, magazines. Going to work with the way some women dress is hard enough not to look at them and fantasize which is easy when you have nothing.

************ is out because that requires looking at **** or having thoughts about others. I could think about my wife but sometimes its like what's the point especially when she gets angry at me for things I do or don't do but its because I just don't care anymore about her problems with life, work etc. It's really hard to move on and wonder why must I live a life like this when I shouldn't have to. Eternal life will be better - but this is the price I have to pay?!? We all have hardships and things to endure. If not for this maybe I wouldn't be here posting this. Maybe life would be better and I would not have found God. It's always when things are at its worst that I find him giving me signs or a way out. I have not been faithful in my marriage - no affairs per se, but in other ways, **** and ***** clubs - I know these are wrong and have repented all these past sins but it is so hard to overcome these addictions when they needed have been in the first place. My last point is maybe this all needed to happen so I would become a better Christian - maybe that's the plan since I wasn't listening all the other times in my life when I was called.

I have been with my wife for eight yrs. Been married for 3 1/2 yrs. And it's always a fight with her 2 hv sex. She says I hv 2 change who I is. Stop going 2 the church we both went 2. I still go she is a type of person that takes everything hard. Everyone is against her. Doesn't like the pastor or his wife. But I hv did some reading and talking 2 my pastor. In some marriage u hv a spirit of Jezebel. Meaning she or he like 2 control. I can keep going. But I won't some ppl need 2 read on tht it will help u understand.

she is being unfaithful to the marital vows you both took before God and to each other. This is enough ground to leave her.

Just because we have permission doesn't mean it is the right choice

I have been on EP for some time but only just come across this original post.

Both my wife and I are Christians and have been married for nearly 30 sexless years. The first lesson is that this is not a Christian issue at all and no amount of looking at Scripture will provide an answer. I pointed out the Corinthians passage to my wife years ago but it made no difference at all. She knows she is letting me down but I have come to realise that she is asexual and there is not one thing I can do, or no amount of prayer that will change it and so even as Christians we have the same three choices as everyone else...stay and put up with it, outsource or divorce.

The Christian aspect of how we look at issues like this comes down to what we believe about the very nature of God and having read all the answers to the original post you have the full gambit of possible responses - however, it really comes down to two overall thought patterns.

Broadly there are those who believe God is a kill joy who doesn't want us to have any fun (the sex is unimportant and for procreation brigade) and there are those who believe in a God of grace who sent His son to experience and die for this world and who loves us and understands our weakness and difficulties.

If you believe God is sitting there waiting for us to mess up so He can joyfully send us to Hell, then so be it. I choose to believe that God is a God of such love that He cares about us even when we mess up or make bad choices. Scripture might be certain about the absolute best options for how we should live our lives - the line in the sand but few of us lead perfect lives and God is with us in our pain, our uncertainty and yes our sin.

In the end we all tar our own road and make choices for our lives but I will not let other's views control my choices.

If I am wrong then I expect I will go to hell - along with the vast majority of those who call themselves Christians and everyone else. But I believe that in reality we will find heaven packed with people who made bad choices and lived sinful lives.

Learn to "live" your lives and not be constrained entirely by what others think.

Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

I have never heard of asexual before. I don't think it is a category medically,.or biologically, so something else is probably the cause, because those who typed near the top found out that their spouse cheated with someone else, so the spouse was interested in sex.

I think it is more likely the case that there is some unforgiveness beneath the surface and maybe hurts. Usually for women to with hold sexually, they may have had negative sexual experiences ie when children, or later, and there is some shame etc or even embarrassment about their bodies. It can also be low self esteem, ie. marriage can get complex, they may feel inadequate about satisfying their husbands sexually, perhaps during sex they felt this way, so shut down.
Also, what else is going on in the relationship, lost of women report being used for sex, in marriage and that they feel like prostitutes because of it,..whether justified or not, they feel this way,

also women are notorious for saying there is 'nothing wrong' when there is Definitely! something wrong or you've done wrong, and you better find out what is is, or 'you don't love them'.

Men are more forthright, with things, women tend to internalize, women also
hold onto things for a long time,..under the surface...

you can lose your love for your mate through hurts, unforgiveness,.. and mistreatment ....

sex is supposed to be about "Giving" to the other person,...not about our own needs being met,..

Bible does say we do not have rights over our own bodies in marriage, but the partner does, and this is supposed to be practiced.

I suggest going to a priest as a couple for talk about these things, sounds like most are non catholic, so then going to a priest can be more anonymous and I think they will receive you anonymously,..you can ask to have the cone of silence of the confession, when you talk to him about whats wrong in marriage and he will give you biblical educated counsel, from the scriptural perspective, and also
he will instruct the partner who is not participating sexually to do so.

a counselor may not feel this is their place to do so,..

A priest will explain the "duties" of spouses to one another, and may be able to bring out of the non participating party what is wrong.

sexual feelings come from the mind,..first, through the body,..
We Women like kindness, and then touch. Big complaint from the 'girls' is that their hubbies don't engage in enough physical touch that is not attached to sex,..
so sex. is always an expectation and many women feel unloved, and for her to feel unloved, ...doesn't mean she is unloved, she can feel that way, even though it isn't true.

As a single person I have had to repent, because I have an opposite problem
as a Christian of not having a marriage partner, so no sex either, and I cannot understand how people can not want to, when they can in a blessed situation.

I do know that marriage has lots going on in it between the two people and sex stems out of the relationship itself.

for ie. I met a Christian man who I shared my faith and scripture with over several months. We would not really be compatible age wise, and I did not feel
a physical attraction at the start, but after finding out more about him while we shared and I found out he was so true and loyal to the Lord and he loved God's ways and things so much, out of that an Enormous Sexual Attraction began,..to the point that I thought I might have had to propose, if I kept the connection for much longer.
This was a complete surprise as I had not initially thought of this person in this light at all.

Something developed out of our sharing God together, and from what I felt, if this
situation had of progressed into a relationship, I could not help but feel sexually
that it would have been 'through the roof'.

This came out of sharing faith, bible reading and study, reading about and discussing spiritual things together, the closer we became in the spiritual things,..
although this wasn't planned, this in itself brought us closer to each other,
and I thnk the physical desire I began to have for this man, came from the spiritual connection we developed.

Many thanks for your reply Bygracethrufaith but I do think you are very far off the truth.

Firstly asexuality is very much a real condition. There is a website called Aven which is run by and for asexuals and those in relationships with them. The descriptions that members write about themselves are my wife to a tee. I have even spoken to her about it and she has in no way denied that she is like this. For the record we did not even consummate the marriage on our wedding night (yes like a good Christian man I had waited until then) and we had sex only once on a two and a half week honeymoon. So this was an issue for our marriage from day one and certainly nothing to do with me. My wife has always been at pains to say that I am a loving, attentive, touching type person who even she has described as a great lover - and yet she simply has no desire for sex with me or anyone else.

And we have always prayed together and done all the other things you suggest - although in truth I have withdrawn in recent years as I now find it very hard to pray with someone who constantly and wilfully neglects my needs - whatever the cause.

You may or may not be right about the reason - although she can recall no childhood abuse or anything like that. So it is impossible to say whether she came out this way or was made this way but cannot remember the issues and so who knows.

The bottom line, however, is that it has been a huge issue over 30 years for me (I say for me as my wife is very happy in the marriage and gets all she needs from it whereas my needs are unmet) and in many ways I now regret not leaving the marriage many years ago. In hindsight I think that I made the wrong choice to stay and be the Christian hero at the expense of my own happiness.

Certainly in my experience this issue gets harder to accept the longer you go on - not easier.

Dear leander:

I'm not sure whether I mentioned this above, but I found out about Catholic marriage rules recently,..and there are grounds for annulment in marriage,..
I don't know if you said you were Prot. or Cath. or if this is a Prot. site, Im just saying - I think I mentioned going to a priest and having him tell our wife that she has to fulfill the covenant of marriage which includes sex.

I think this is grounds for what the Catholics call annulment,..they base their rules on the bible, if you are anti catholic then this may not be
of interest, but their marriage rules and regs are based on scripture and
they annul a marriage if the two parties entering into it did not enter into it with full knowledge, ie. in this case your wife did not inform you that she
is not interested in sex.

As I said I do not really believe such people exist,..as if it is a
physical hormonal issue, ie. women's supply of some hormones wane,
testosterone, or if she was always low on this, then it is a biological
problem, however,...

as far as God goes, he does not want you to live in sin, and sex outside of the marriage covenant is,..so...
I think if you both love each other, that your wife needs to 'get with it', get counseling, see her doc. for testosterone injections, etc. or whatever is needed physically,

or if she is a closet homosexual, which is also a possibility,..she still needs conselling, etc. and she can turn her sexuality around,...
sorry I maybe just don't get the issue,..even though you say people have this, I guess they can have it,
you say it is just a physical disability, or disease, like

Is she depressed,..
maybe you could post a definition
of what this disease is, and if there is a cure, etc.
docs can do wonders with hormonal testing,...and providing the right balance, etc.

Outsourcing is not ok for a Christian.
I think it would be better if you annulled the marriage, based on the fact that your wife did not inform you that she would not be participating in sex
during the marriage.

She is required to participate by biblical covenant, it is a requirement,
that is why I suggested the priest, they have lawyers who go over the marriage
information and make a decision on the annulment, or not,.and even if you are not Catholic, it is worthwhile going to someone like this and discussing these particulars, and he can inform your wife that sex is her duty in the marriage and she should get to it.

Also I do think this is grounds for annulling, -annulling means that your marriage was never a valid Christian marriage because your wife did not inform you of this problem of hers, before the wedding. Annulment, although a
Catholic way, deals with issues like these, calling them important and vital to the health of the marriage.

ie, let's say that the shoe was on the other foot. and it was you who did not want to participate in sex, and yet you married her, and expected her to go your whole married life without sex? This is not ok, and you should go to visit a priest and talk abut marriage rules and law.

The rules of marriage are listed in the bible. Withholding sex is not an option for her (unless she has some medical or psychological reason for doing so)

as she is not allowed to be doing this, according to God's rules for marriage, She is committing sin by doing this. You will be committing sin by outsourcing. Outsourcing is not an option for the Christian, it is sin.
I would advise not to. If you continue in it you will be continually living in sin.

Why haven't you both ended the marriage already?

sorry about my comment above, 'why havent you ended the marriage already,'? ....these words were not well thought out, and I apologize,..

sorry about not accepting the asexual type of thing,..
sometimes with women it could be a self love or self esteem type of thing,..

sorry about the way I sounded in the above, so definite, and yes,..bossy,..
as if I have all the answers, and you can now tell that I do not.

I didn't even know there was an asexual type ' '. whatever it is,..

However, just like homosexuality, asexuality is not part of the original plan
by God.

He created the male then the female,..and then created marriage.
for the two of them.

I have come to respect Catholic teaching and their written documents. Eighty percent of what I have read of them I found to be terrific. The other twenty I think there was error in.

Regarding marriage they write that the Bible reveals sex in marriage is for the purpose of uniting the couple, and also for procreation. This is not a Catholic idea, this is what the Bible says.

Further, the sex act is written about in detail, pull Catholic docs, the human vitae, I think,..

on sex.

anyway, the Catholic instruction on sex in marriage, goes like this.

Lust is not allowed in the marriage bed. Only love.
With this basis, sex in the marriage bed is to be like
this following,..
the man is to give himself totally to his wife,... this means for her, and for her sexually, in unselfish ways of pleasure given as gifts to the wife,..

the wife is also to return this to the husband,...she is to give herself,..ie abandon herself to her husband in sexual ways that are pleasing and unselfish toward her,..

Sex is to be a giving first the one, then the next,..
back and forth.









Dear Bygracethrufaith

I will be kind and say you are a lot younger than me and have a lot to learn about life. When I was in my 20's everything seemed very black and white, but as you get older things look a lot greyer. There are no simple answers.

I agree with most of what you say the marriage bed SHOULD be like but this is far from my reality or the reality of many that post on EP. We come on here looking for answers to insoluble problems.

My wife is not gay - she is asexual!! She is not having an affair. I actually wish she would as it would show that there was something going on under the bonnet so to speak.

And I am not crap in bed (so I have been told). And as a Protestant we don't have unmarried priests to go to for marriage counselling. Instead I went to see one of the Ministers at our church (who is married) and poured out my angst. His response was to say that he had no answers as his marriage was sexless too and it stank, but he had found no way of getting his wife to deal with it either. We had a laugh and a joke and consoled each other - so no answers there.

Pointing out scripture DOES NOT WORK with asexuals.

So bluntly I suggest you grow up a bit and do a lot more research before commenting on things you know nothing about.

OK, well I guess I deserved that,.
..it's just that I had never heard of this before,..
...but I had heard of women preferring not to have sex with their husbands,.
out of "relational things' or "falling out of love with them" which happens for both men and women.
Couples think if they don't still have that 'thrilling' emotion, then they do not love their spouse.
I am an adult, and I am not really young,.so please bear with me,..I do know some things,..
I am not Catholic, but Protestant myself, but discovered a wealth of information in Catholic sources.
I know some scandal re priests have turned people off them, and also
you would wonder what a celibate man would know about sex, however,
what I am trying to say is that they are trained in some pretty important stuff
that is CHRISTIAN, and they are well-trained in counseling couples, usually,
because it is one of their number one function to help couples make their marriages work, that is, if you get a good one, so I say shop around
until you can find a good one.

Human vitae is a very good work describing marriage and sex from the bible's pov, which is what you want as a Christian.

Notice, did your minister ask for your wife and yourself to come in and did he instruct her to get with it?
I believe the right priest with his training, will, and will instruct you both on HOW you can GIVE REAL love in the marriage through sex.

We are not the World, we do not operate on sexual attraction, we operate on God's love. We do not operate on lust, in fact, lust is not allowed in the marriage bed, according to God, because lust is selfish, it is not love,


If you are now, "outsourcing" you may not want to give up this person,..
howver, you must know that each and every time you engage in 'outsourcing' you must ask God to forgive you and you must heartfully repent for this
action, because you are violating God's laws, and this is a serious one.
Do it every time, make sure you ask God's forgiveness.

I understand the other feelings you may have about this feeling you are justified in doing it, but I do not think you are, although it is easy to feel this way.


Even if you are outsourcing, as I said, ask forgiveness each and every time.
outsourcing is another aberration, so now you and your wife have two, and there is a third person who is being and will be hurt, see how sin acts and multiplies, ...Remember it is God who hates sin, and yes I know, you would feel justified, and you have a lot of weight on your end of the scale supporting you, but sin is never the answer, see I am not condemning you,
I am trying to help you find the way out of this...because I love you, because you are my brother in Christ.
Do you know that I love you and I do not condemn you even if you are outsourcing?

But even if you are, while you are, ask forgiveness every time and repent in your heart, and ask God's help to resolve this.

Please take steps to find a priest who is trained and willing to help Protestant couples, they are not all nice, and not all of them are even walking with the HOly Spirit, howver, they are trained and highly educated in marriage and sexual issues, and the right priest will not hesitate to teach you both
how to love each other through the sexual act.

I assume your wife would be willing, and making her accountable to an outside person is important so it is not just you and her knowing about her refusal of the marriage act.

If she approached sex as even a duty, a duty of giving love to her spouse
, after awhile, real love will take over,...I really mean that the love pump needs priming some times, and many spouses fall out of love for the other, and don't talk about it. It is different for women than for men, men respond visually, women are more emotional creatures and sex for them, is through and from the heart, and sometimes married women no longer feel love for their spouse, but you say that there was never any sex, and that she refused you from
the honeymoon,...
however, ....the best thing I can suggest is to find the right kind of priest who knows his business, I mean they are trained for almost a decade and marriage and sex, is one of their 7 important areas of expertise, although they are celibate, they know a lot,....,...
even though they are male, they are trained to understand women and will
obligate your wife, and will
teach you both to approach sex from this "alternative Christian non-worldly way".

hello, and a ps.

also how a person relates sexually, emotionally, etc. with their spouse
is a reflection of what occurred in their primary relationships with parents. Inappropriate sex. stuff from either side, that is acted out, also under the surface sexual stuff, ie. father being 'sex.' turned on by daughter, daughter would be aware, may be some under the surface guilt, etc.
proper counseling,..etc. also intimacy issues, if your wife had a dysfuncitoning relationship with either parent, it will perpetuate into her relationship with you, intimacy fears, etc. walls against intimacy, and sex is the primary intimacy act in marriage, lets say if one or both of her parents rejected her, she will guard herself against rejection by rejeciting you,...so you see, I am not an ignoramus about everything and I am not really young, and what I told you about Catholic stuff is real, please check
catholic answers, you can type anonymously to find a good reference
from someone there, to put you through to a good source to find the right priest,

yes they are evangelizing too, catholics evangelizing protestants to become catholic, you can overlook this and try to find the resource you need,
I have had frustration too with my own pastor on things he feels are not
his job, however, the marriages of people in his pastoral care ARE his job,
usually pastors are not trained as much as priests are, but you need to find a good priest.

5 More Responses

Ive been married for 7 months and I have the same problem with my husband. I feel like the live in maid, not a wife. We've talked about it many times. We area at the point now where it turns into a fight if I just mention it. I'm tired of being pushed away and being rejected. My self esteem is crumbling because of his constant rejection. Even our 2 week honeymoon was one big rejection after the other. I am desperate. He had an affair in our first 2-4 months of marriage. I forgave him and we tried again but him not wanting me is getting impossible to live with. My church does not look kindly upon divorce.

If he has cheated on you, the link has been broken. I think scripture is clear on that. Adultery is the only biblical and valid excuse for divorce. More power to you if you choose to forgive him time and time again but you are only going to wear yourself out on every aspect (psychologically, physically, emotionally)
If your church looks down upon you for making a decision to leave the marriage, then it is also time to find another church.

It sounds like he may have trouble with intimacy. Men can separate love and sex, and usually do. Having casual sex with an outsider is easier for a man, because it costs him nothing emotionally. Sex with someone he loves involves fears of rejection,..
and performance fears, and relates right back to his primary relationship with a woman who is his mother. If his mother was hurtful, cruel, difficult, then he will have walls up against his spouse, against intimacy. or if the Dad was that way, it will cause similar things. Either he doesn't love you, and is stringing you, or he does and is kind of 'messed up' in the way he feels he can relate. psychological stuff.

Sorry you are there experiencing it.

I understand the mental and emotional strain of this situation. I was going through the same and I am now even more frustrated by being told (by him) that he is "asexual". The whole experience has actually caused me to give up on sex period... something I thought I would never do. Their rejection makes you feel ugly, unimportant, and throws you off balance in alot of ways. They watch you starve but expect full dedication from you. I know it hurts.

Asexuals don't understand what lack of sex does to someone, I think...They experience sex as a violation of space, not as a pleasure.
If your soon-to-be-ex has been rejecting you, as mine did, it really does a number on you. But it's not about you, your looks, your importance. He doesn't want to have sex with anyone.
If you can't live a happy life without mutually-pleasurable intercourse, you need to take him at his word, and so either divorce or outsource.

don't outsource, I don't think, this is sin. In the bible the rules of marriage are spelled out. The obligations, etc. Sex is an obligation, read Paul,...if someone is withholding sex, they are violating the marriage covenant...

see a Catholic priest,..the two of you, and let the priest explain what the obligations of marriage are,..
sex is an obligation,...it is part of the covenant of marriage,..for the mutual
needs of the couple,

Catholics have a sex manual, everything all spelled out, I think its called
something or other of the body,...and it goes into detail, about what lust is,
that you are not allowed to bring lust into the marriage bed,..
you are to give yourself, etc. sex is the giving of both partners to the other partner,...it is not about if you want to or not, or even are 'into it' it is a requirement of the marriage covenant, if the person did not intend to have sex, then they should have made that clear before the covenant,

sex is a requirement, and this person has no trouble having sex,
the one above, just not with you,..
I do not understand why you are even with this person, your whole
relational situation sounds all wrong...

rejecting you all the time, is not the love of a proper marriage,...


sorry for the above 'RUN', and my 'not understanding why you are with this person' that wasn't sensitive of me,...please forgive me,..

I have been struggling with this myself. I have always had my personal relationship with God. My husband cheated, now "found" god and has no interest in me whatso ever.

At church he is attentive but that is the only place I feel loved by him and I feel it is all for show.

My husband did not cheat but since "finding God" he is exactly like yours!!! I do not know what to do, as this has been going on for 7 years, as of next month!! I now sleep in my own room and bed as I can not make him live up to what the bible teaches us. I also do not want a man to touch me out of his "Christian duty!!" How degrading is that???? Everyone(including our preacher) acts like he is some sort of saint or something!! I have even emailed him(our pastor) about what the bible states on this subject and he will never respond!!! At church he just smiles and hugs me and states how happy he is to see me at church, so I feel like he is being kind of fraudulent also. I have been a dutiful housewife and mother all of these years, so basically, it is financially impossible for me to leave!! I now encourage other young women(even my daughter in laws) to have careers so they never end up in this MISERABLE situation I am in and will probably be for the rest of my life....if you can actually call it a life!!! It really is horrible living this BIG FAT lie of a life, but I have no other choice. So much for the "myth" of how much fun your "love life" will become when your children grow up and you have the house all to yourselves!!! God help us all, that are in this situation...... It is a very lonely and depressing life.

I also forgot to mention that a few years ago I finally just asked him why he was married to me....(stupid me, was hoping he would say because he loved me and wanted to share his life with me) His response was because he had made a promise to God!!! My heart broke right then and there, and I have thought and remembered that EVERYDAY since then. Basically my heart felt as if it has been destroyed!!! Somedays it is almost unbearable, the pain I feel... Well at that time I did not know what the bible said about marriage and our "duties" to each other....Boy, if I would have, I could have really called him out on how he is defying the Lord and what the bible teaches about sex and marriage!!!! Best of luck to ALL. May you find true happiness and a partner that truly, truly loves you.

well, sorry about the way I stated things, which may not have acknowledged all your pain, the way I should have,...I realize that its diff. being "in" the situation and feeling it all,...

I am touting the "Catholic" horn, although Protestants generally don't look into
their stuff, I suggest the couples above go to a priest for marital sexual counseling, as we are all "Christians".

Read the Catholic Human Vitae, I think it is called, and it is all about the beauty of marriage and sexual love and the Bible rules for expressing it.


Married sexual love is never about getting, always about giving.
Married sexual love is never including any form of lust, as lust is opposite of love.
Anyone who is experiencing God's love, begins also to give.
but on the committed love of one spouse to the other, using










NIV, KJV, ESV, and MSG all say fornication. Fornication is also sexual immorality or adultery. basically sex outside of marriage. everything else is reconcilable in Gods eyes. pray pray pray brother.

My husband & I are both Christians or so he says. We haven't had sex since Sept 2011. He claims it's medical & can't do it, yet I've caught him viewing **** & have found his refuse napkins hidden here & there which he vehemently denies.

I have prayed about it I just don't know what to do... Emotionally I'm drained & I have knots in my stomach daily. I crave the intimacy & oneness that the marriage is suppose to be & I'm barely holding on. I hear him talk about others that are not living correctly & it makes me sick because I know what he has been doing & denying.

I love him & he says he loves me but I can't take anymore.

I understand what you are going through. It seems from what you wrote then God understands why you should divorace and move on.
It has been over a year since you wrote this. I hope things are working out for you.

I have read your post and I understand your confusion. I pray that what the Spirit is having me to say, finds a submitted mind, heart and spirit. The scriptures that you are reading is being misrepresented and understood; that's because that is the way we have been taught. Let's take the first verse:

“It is good for a man not to (marry) have sexual relations with a woman.” [2] But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband."

In that sentence it says, "But since sexual immorality is occurring..." In the New King James Version it says, "because of sexual immorality..."

The different versions lead to "because this is happening...." What happens when sexual immorality isn't happening? Does the Bible say that we shouldn't get married? That marriage is not good? No it doesn't. In 1 Corinthians 7, it talks about husbands pleasing your wives and vise versa, "because of sexual immorality...." In order to get the people back on track because they were playing the harlot, they were asked to please each other sexually and not refrain from one another…..that their bodies were not their own. Because there were a lot of broken couples, they were seeking sexual pleasures from people that were not their own spouse. Because they had the problem of fire in the loins they were told not to reframe from having sex and to solidify it, they were told that your bodies were not your own, but belong to their spouse…..This was a prescription for people who had a LUST FOR SEX PROBLEM, so their broken marriages may be healed and then they are to move upward to a higher level in Christ Jesus; Galatians 5:16 “walk in the spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh….” It was not intended to be a mandate for the Body of Christ to live by.

What does the Bible say to the couple that is not looking to please the lusts of the flesh, but looking to have a marriage pure before God?

When God made Eve from the rib of Adam, He said "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." He did not say that they were together to only multiply (have babies) and He did not say that they were together to satisfy each other’s lusts of the flesh.

The Bible says (New King James Version) 1 John 2:15-17

“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.”

Let's first address the pleasures of the flesh (meaning SEX) for a minute. I pray we are all adults. I use to be a very sexually active person and at no time was my flesh or anyone I ever encountered was satisfied. It was delighted for a time and then we would move to CREATIVITY until that ran its course and again, we always found our way back to wandering eyes and hidden fantasies about being with other people.

The God that I serve is not interested in satisfying the lusts of our flesh. Because of His Grace and Mercy He allows us to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh from time to time with boundaries, but then we take that too far....

It is just like my children. I know that white sugar is not good for their body, but from time to time we give it to them, let them indulge in it. Why? Because we know that their flesh is craving it, because they got exposed to it through someone giving it to them and now their flesh wants more. We allow them to indulge in something that is not necessarily good for them (within boundaries) in order to win them over so they will not fight as hard in another battle that could cause them more harm than the candy. Now, they know us to be reasonable and flexible parents (with boundaries) and understand where they are at that present time. At least we strive to be that for them. That is the message that verse is trying to convey....

Are we suppose to be striving to live by the Spirit or by our flesh?

Let’s take another scripture reference that a lot of people try to emulate their relationship with, “The Song of Solomon.” Now, I am not saying that it isn’t beautiful, but it is lustful. When we read scripture, we are suppose to understand the story too, not just quote the scripture. Now, Solomon was a man that continually indulge in the lust of his flesh concerning women. That was is imperfection. We all have them. He also died early because of the desires of his flesh. Read the book… What then, is that how God wants us to live our lives? No. Then why do we quote the lusty message those scriptures in the Song of Solomon were saying? Why did God put them in the Bible in the first place. Because the Bible is our manual….It tells us how to live by showing the do’s and don’ts. Because we were trained to think that the Song of Solomon is so beautiful, we didn’t take the time to think how it benefited Solomon!

Let’s also look at his father David, also another man known to give into the lusts of his flesh concerning women….look what happened in his household…..his daughter was violently raped by one of his sons, then another son killed another son and so on…

As I am reading the Bible all over again, I have not found one verse that God intended our bodies to be used as a pleasure tool for our spouses. Except with the exception of “due to sexual immorality…” Meaning, if you can not control yourself….meaning if you have not yet died to your flesh….meaning you have not yet picked up cross to follow him…..then, He in all his Grace and Mercy is allowing you to indulge in that area, with boundaries.

My question is, “are you HOT OR COLD in the body of Christ?”

I recently had this same conversation, because after many years of marriage, sex just wasn't what it use to be and we starting seeking answers to this. Obviously God made sex and it was suppose to be good! Not sometimes, but at all times if we are keeping our hearts and minds on Him." The answer is: The God kind of sex is called "intimacy." What we call Sex is the lust of the flesh. The God kind of "intimacy" involves not pleasing one another in our flesh, but coming together as one flesh. It is suppose to symbolize the relationship between Christ and the Church. Where the Church is the body of Christ and that Christ loves the Church so much that He sacrificed himself for the Church.

Now try putting on worshipful music and lay with your spouse and tell God that you both are here as one flesh and you are laying down your desires and pleasures before His Throne and you both are willing to sacrifice yourselves to do His will and purpose for your lives. Watch and see how your lives change!

Then have sex to please your sexual desire and see how your spirit feels. I will guarantee that the only thing that will feel good is your flesh and God isn’t in the flesh business!

People, get it and receive it.....we are not here on this earth for our pleasure and comfortability...but we are here to do what God has purposed and determined for our lives..... Leave the romance and Hollywood bed scenes where it belongs, in the world and take up your cross and follow Him. There are much more pleasurable things to do then to please your flesh. And that is the problem with trying to please the flesh…..when you give it an arm, it wants a leg and so on. Not to mention, it continues to block the pleasures that God has for you that deal with your mind, body and spirit…..not just that self seeking flesh.

It is not our spouse’s responsibility to make us happy or to please us....that's why Paul said that if you can restrain from getting married do so. He said that because most people, even today do not have a true desire to serve God, but their desire is to serve themselves. We are married to be a companion for one another, as God said that He made a companion (a help mate) for Adam. That means we are married to support one another through our personal journey’s that God has purposed for our lives. Why is there a high rate of divorce? Simply, we have the misconception that we are together to PLEASE one another, instead of to SUPPORT one another.

The question is, are you prepared to serve the Lord and sacrifice yourself to do so....or are you going to look to satisfy the pleasures of your flesh?

Unless the Holy Spirit is leading you to separate from your spouse, stay with them and do as the Bible says, "love them as Christ loved the church and gave His life for them...."

Whomever have ears to hear this saying, receive it in the name of Jesus!

JML.... I actually feel very sorry for you. You sound very sad and cold hearted, which is not what the Lord teaches!! I believe you have not felt any of the closeness, love and joy that a good physical relationship (with your spouse) can bring to your life!!! You are spouting your "interpretations" of what these bible verses mean. I would like to know how you became an "expert" on the bible??? You are passing on your "opinions"(which you are entitled) but I must state that most of these, I disagree with. The Lord wants GREAT things and happiness for us. We are not to judge others, but LOVE one another!!! This is what, I believe, is truly SO wrong with our world today.....Everyone is so busy judging one another, they have no time or room in their hearts, to truly love one another....How sad.... If you do not believe the Lord wants us to be happy, here on this beautiful earth(that he created for us) then why should we and do we strive, so hard, to LIVE!!!!! God instilled us we these survival skills for a reason...to stay here for as long as possible. He has given the human race a brain, that is superior to any other living things brain. This is why we have the ability to meet the challenges, he puts before us. This is why we humans have found so many cures to diseases etc. because this is and was the Lords will!!! Yes we are here to support one another, but along with this comes pleasing one another. Not just in a "sexual" way, but in everyday life...Pleasing one another comes in many forms. Is it not pleasing when someone simply smiles at you, holds the door for you, or simply says thank you? I find these and many other things pleasing and I believe the Lord does also!!! So, this is my opinion(which I am entitled) I wish you and everyone the best in life....May we ALL treat each other with respect and understanding!!! God Bless....

Second your post. Happiness is a choice, precursor to everything else. The pursuit of holiness is difficult but brings many blessings

What do you do if you and your wife are never intimate for years and she says it is because of surgeries yet when you ask her to go talk to someone, she refuses saying she has no desire for sex? What do you do? I'm lost...

If you are a believer you know what to do. I get that you do not like it. Compare stepping away from the marriage or any of your vows as stepping away from God. <br />
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You need to man up and ask for divine help through prayer. Try to lead her to the Word and faith by your example. What is faith without a test?

I can't believe how much people like to ramble on with this topic, so I shall keep this short. Jstile, all of this boils down to the same choices that the rest of us here have, whether we are religious or not. You can either leave, (divorce) outsource (affair, harlots or self abuse) or get used to looking forward to the next 50 or so years of feeling horny and miserable, suicidal and worthless. <br />
Just a thought, you could present your case to the elders of your church and see what they have to say. They may tell you to kick her pink *** out of there... after all, you convinced me that you should.<br />
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Best of luck to you...

Hi. I found this by typing " what God says about a sexless marriage". I never thought of it as abuse. My husband doesn't 'fulfill' his 'duty' to me. I mean we have been married almost two years. We didn't make love for nearly two weeks after marriage. Maybe 6 times (maybe!) the first year and then we went literally 8 months with nothing. And then again a bit here and there. Maybe 8-10 times and I am really pushing it. I bring the subject up almost daily. I get the same thing, I will try harder. I will get better. I don't know what is wrong. It isn't you, you turn me on. Next week I promise. I am trying, I mean really I can keep going. That is the point really, it just keeps going. This is my third marriage. I am almost 29. Wow! I know. Here is the run down. I got pregnant at 16 forced into marriage, he was neglectful of his children and talk (gay) during sex to the point I began to vomit after he (had his way) we separated and I offered counseling and he declined, we separated then divorced. I remarried after strings of bad relationships and didn't marry for love rather to live in peace and a father ( real dad didn't stick around ) for my kids. Just after marrying he became abusive, had affairs and hurt my kids. I was done. I declared no more! But God has other plans. He brought my husband into my life. He was nothing like I was used to. We were together two years before we married in 10'. And now here we are. I do not want a divorce, not because I want to live this way but because I truly love Jon and we are a great team. Yet it seems most of the time we are Kay great friends that happen to make love every 4 months or something. I did myself tempted like I have NEVER been before. But not sexually, I am tempted toward intimacy. To be noticed, wanted, desired, loved, seen.... He once told me that (getting oral) was better than sex. Ouch. Not that this matters but I could care less about the act of sex but the love that emits from making 'love' which I haven't felt in a very long time. There is no passion from him and j am a very passionate person. I pray. We are both Christains. I am a jealous person now. I cry myself to sleep and sleeping next to him is impossible because it hurts so bad that he doesn't hold me or he will touch me once or twice and the. Nothing! I need prayer because I feel myself seeking validation and I want him to be jealous because maybe he will take notice in me again. But he doesn't. He doesn't care if a guy looks or anything like that. He likes it. He says it makes him see what he has because other guys want it. ??!! Huh!? I just want him! I need to catcha break at some point?

Hi dezi218,

I know you read my blog. God does give place for divorce when either your spouse has an affair or is unfaithful to the sexual covenant he agreed to on your wedding day. God is a god of peace, and he knew what little peace someone has when there partner abandons there duty, through the sexual covenant of marriage. Matthew 5:32 (KJV)
32But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. The word fornication in the Greek is "pornia", this means the harlet or horring around, or the practise of idolatry. Idolatry comes in many forms, but when a married spouse idolizes there own needs, wants and desires above there spouse, it is called being maritally unfaithful (false to duty). Basically your spouse is having an affair on you, with themself. If your spouse is a believer, this means he chooses to obey God. But 1 Corinthians 7:15 says if the nonbeliever chooses to leave (neglect, remove oneself from participation in the sexual relationship) let them go, the believer is no longer bound, because God is a God of peace. The context of the whole chapter of 1 Corinthians 7 is solely about the sexual relationship between man and woman. This relationship is called marriage. God requires each party to the marriage to give up authority (or control) over there own body and to give this control to there spouse, in 1 Corinthians 7:3 and 4. There is a book called "set apart" by ___________Wilkinson chapter 8. This chapter is solely about this subject and I would highly recommend reading this chapter. It will open your mind to the true meaning of marriage. I'm truly sorry your suffering this way. I understand fully how you feel, and I empathize with you. Be sure to read 1 Corinthians 7, over and over and look up the definitions of the words. Words like "shall" this means "must". Important to understand Gods heart in marriage. This divorce thing is not popular with the church but God has so wisely left a way out of this sexual abuse if you dig into Gods word that brings forth life. You can empower yourself with confidense as you confront your husband. I would give him one last chance to choose whom he will serve, either God/love or himself through this continuos practise of selfish idolatry.

Remember your wedding vows, "to Have (enjoy regularly, have sexual intercourse with) and to hold, for richer and for pourer, in sickness and in health, till death due us part".
Good luck. I just prayed for your situation.

Hi Dezi218,

I am trying to understand what you said about your first marriage. You said that he talked gay when he was having sex with you and that you felt to vomit after he had his way with you. Are you talking about him having anal sex with you?

WOW I am not sure where to start on this one, You have provided a small amount of information and left out far too much, so I can only comment generally about what marriage is before God and what marriage is in the church. I will say this about your situation from what I can see in your post. You have publicly bound yourself to the Bible as your guide and have professed to be bound by its interpretation. And second you have bound yourself to the tenants of your church. Both of these convictions are forcing you to accept something that you don’t want and this is causing you to evaluate how you can balance what you want and what your beliefs tell you that you should be doing.<br />
<br />
Now I am American, Roman Catholic, Charismatic, and Fundamentalist. This means I live in a society that is very confused about the roles of sexuality, marriage and relationship. It also means that we understand what a contract is but are pretty much lost when it comes to covenant. As a Roman Catholic I have bound myself under the authority of the Church universal and have said that I follow the church on my path to salvation. The Catholic Church is very clear about sexuality, marriage, relationship, and covenant. As a Charismatic and Fundamentalist I trust the truth of the Bible and the guidance of the Holy Spirit with regards to interpretation of the Bible. At this point you have some idea where I am coming from. <br />
<br />
Lets first start with covenant and contract. The main difference between covenant and contract is that a contract is an exchange of services while a covenant is a joining of persons. God makes covenant with us and the divine person changes who he is to be OUR GOD and human persons change who we are to be his PEOPLE. God has bound himself by covenant and is now defined by that covenant, in short he changed to be in covenant with us and his new identity is ba<x>sed on that. When we make covenant with God we change our identity. Being in covenant with God changes whom we are. When a man and a woman make covenant with each other, get married they change whom they are. Just like when God accepted being our God as part of who he is and that becomes part of his identity for eternity, when we get married we change we are no longer what we were before marriage. If we walk away from that covenant we cannot go back to what we were before.<br />
<br />
American Society sees marriage as a contract, all churches I am aware of see marriage as covenant. This is why the Catholic church makes the distinction between a civil or JP marriage and a marriage made before God. The Church says that if you took your vows before the civil authorities but not before God then it is not covenant. However if you took vows before God then you are most likely in covenant. This is where the Catholic Church gets confusing. Every diocese has a tribunal appointed to investigate and rule on the validity of the covenant made. They evaluate each situation ba<x>sed on evidence presented and make a rule on whether both parties were intending and capable of making a covenant. If it is found that there is ample evidence to support that a valid covenant was not made then the Church issues an annulment. When a marriage is annulled it says two things. First that a covenant never existed and both parties were not bound to each other. It also says that both parties are free to give themselves to another and that there is no adultery in remarrying. <br />
<br />
Next lets comment on what I see in the original post. First you made the mistake that most young people make. You decided to investigate what you were into after you had gotten into it. Your comment that after 3 years of marriage you decided to see what God says about marriage is very troubling. As I learned to embrace the Charismatic I learned the key to the failures of my youth. God provides all the wisdom and guidance needed to navigate life and its veritable minefields. But you have to seek that wisdom and knowledge before you blew one leg off and just realized what you thought was a field of wild flowers is actually a dangerous minefield and you will spend the rest of your life scared.<br />
<br />
Also lets comment on your willingness to define marriage by one passage in the bible, when the Bible has many other passages that address marriage also. This is one of the mistakes made by Christians who want to justify themselves. They want to cling to their ideas and attitudes and stay where they are and somehow want God to change what he expects to meet their ideas. We do this related to everything, from how we worship, to how we relate to everything.<br />
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I use the New American Standard Version of the Bible. Pretty much any version will be similar, and the Holy Spirit who directs us in the Word of God is the same.<br />
<br />
The first place we see an example of marriage is in Genesis 2: 18-25<br />
18 Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” 19 Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. 20 The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. 21 So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. 22 The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. 23 The man said, <br />
“This is now bone of my bones, <br />
And flesh of my flesh; <br />
She shall be called Woman, <br />
Because she was taken out of Man.” <br />
24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. <br />
Then in Genesis 3: 16 we see:<br />
16 To the woman He said, <br />
“I will greatly multiply <br />
Your pain in childbirth, <br />
In pain you will bring forth children; <br />
Yet your desire will be for your husband, <br />
And he will rule over you.”<br />
So here we see God make Adam for the Garden, then because he was alone God made man a helper, first the animals and these were found “not suitable”. Then God created a creature from Adam himself, then God brought the creature to Adam and it was found suitable. Then in the last verse of Chapter 2 we see why this was added to Genesis, “For this reason… and the two shall become one flesh” <br />
Three things to be noted here: <br />
First, God did not breath life into the woman, or the animals. Man was made of dirt and had no “Spirit Life” until God breathed it into him. The Woman was made of man and thus had spirit, this spirit was why woman was suitable for man.<br />
Genesis 3: 7” Then the LORD God formed man of dust from the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.”<br />
Second: Moses writes that “ for this reason a man shall leave his “FATHER AND MOTHER…” What father and mother, ADAM and EVE are all there is. If this is simply the telling of a story of creation then this line makes no sense. So it must be read that this line explains from the beginning what a man and his wife are all about. <br />
Third: The use of the word joined and “become one flesh” this is not about sex it is about union, returning to the man that part of his Spirit, which was removed. Note the labels used, Man, is man, is man, but woman is Wife in joining to the man her identity has changed; she is joined to him as woman but becomes wife. In her becoming wife she completes his spirit and they become one. The concept that this is spiritual is not so strange in the Bible we see it when Jesus speak of being “born again”. How else could two individual persons become ONE? Then from that union offspring – FLESH – comes forth. It does tell us that there was no shame in their nakedness, but it does not tell us that God wanted them to be happy and entertain each other with their bodies.<br />
Moving ahead, Mathew and Mark recount the same teaching about Marriage, Mathew in chapter 19 and in Mark chapter 10. Luke cuts to the chase and just says no remarry after divorce<br />
Luke 16:18 – Luke cuts right to the chase “divorce and remarry = adultery, marry a divorced person = adultery, BOOM and DONE.<br />
18 “Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries one who is divorced from a husband commits adultery.<br />
In Mathew 19: 3 – 12<br />
3 Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” 4 And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, 5 and said, ‘FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” 7 They *said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?” 8 He *said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits <br />
10 The disciples *said to Him, “If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.” 11 But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” <br />
In Mark 10: 2-10<br />
2 Some Pharisees came up to Jesus, testing Him, and began to question Him whether it was lawful for a man to divorce a wife. 3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses permitted a man TO WRITE A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY.” 5 But Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. 7 FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, 8 AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” <br />
10 In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again. 11 And He *said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; 12 and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” <br />
Both of these accounts reference the same “from the beginning” and “two becoming one flesh” and they both reference “What God has joined together” Jesus seems to be telling the story from Genesis. Man was created to toil and work the ground. Woman was created to complete man. Then when God joins them they become something new – a new one flesh. Paul references the “made one flesh” in 1 Corinthians 6:12-20 by asking should you join to a harlot. “Making one flesh” sounds to me a lot like Covenant, which by the way is how the Church sees it. <br />
Just for reference here is the verse that refers to the decree of divorce.<br />
Deuteronomy 24:1-5<br />
1 “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house, 2 and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3 and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband who sent her away is not allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance. <br />
5 “When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the army nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken. <br />
Here Moses tells that a man may issue a “Certificate of Divorce” when he finds “some indecency” in his wife. But he may not return to her if she has married another. Also in Leviticus 21, priests are not allowed to marry anything but a virgin.<br />
Some people tend to get caught up in the reference to “immorality” in Mathew. (some Bible versions say “sexual immorality”) and the original post tried to twist the interpretation of immorality into withholding sexual favors, I am not so sure this stretch can be made. But again in my Church this determination is made on a ONE-by-ONE case by the tribunal who are trained to get past the frustrations and one-sided stories. Which really is what we have in the original post.<br />
Now I feel that I have given a pretty good start to the subject of Marriage in the Bible. I want to include more references for you to do your own study. I believe we are to deliver God’s mail as he wrote it and not edit it. Many times I find that we tend to edit the message to fit our needs so here it is as written and you can read and I pray that the Holy Spirit who authored and inspired it will lead you to its true meaning.<br />
Marriage:<br />
• Jeremiah 6:4-7<br />
• Hebrews 13:4<br />
• 1 Timothy 3:1-7<br />
• Malachi 2:13-16<br />
• Ephesians 5:22-33<br />
• 1 Peter 3:1-9<br />
• Titus 2:3-5<br />
• Colossians 3:18-21<br />
Divorce and Remarry:<br />
• Mathew 5:31-32<br />
• 1 Timothy 5:3-16<br />
• 1 Timothy 3:1-13<br />
• Tutus 1:5-9<br />
• Romans 7:1-3<br />
• 1 Corinthians 7:1-16<br />
• <br />
Selecting a Partner:<br />
• 2 Corinthians 6:14 – 16<br />
• Genesis 24<br />
Lust and Sexual Immorality:<br />
• 1 Corinthians 6:12-20<br />
• 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8<br />
• Deuteronomy 22:13-30<br />
• Numbers 5:11-31<br />
• Leviticus 20:10-21<br />
• 1 Corinthians 5:1-13<br />
Moving forward I will say that if you have only been married 3 years and as you say this has been like this for the entire 3 years, then you picked he wrong person. If you have been married longer, I would say you drove your marriage into this train wreck somehow. Something changed and it is because you and your wife were two individuals and not ONE. I know this will sound harsh, but so is what you are looking for. Your original post is a plea to somehow get permission to set aside your wife, who you choose and seek your own passion and happiness. You want approval from your church for this and you say you will not get it. Again I am only going from the snapshot you gave.<br />
This whole thing points me to the fact that we as adults do not train our kids properly in good relationships, and we do not properly help our kids develop good relationship skills. Then we don’t guide them to choose proper partners to make covenant with. This is the greatest responsibility we have. As Americans we are constantly hearing that “God wants us to be happy” then of course, this is followed by some statement of how a lifestyle counter to the Bible and the Church will make us happy. But keep in mind God knows we were created to be with him, and thus true happiness comes his way, not ours.<br />
Now I do feel your pain, I have been married 22 years. Through those 22 years I have had times of love and times of dryness, even bitterness. I have had times when I knew I was the focus of my wife’s passion, and times I wondered if she even had passion for anything. Times when I felt I was a partner and times when I felt I was being used. My point is this if I so choose both my wife and I can generate a pretty good divorce case between each other. Maybe even generate grounds for an annulment. But the truth is that my family is supposed to be a reflection of the trinity, a sort of mini church whose mission is not to feed my passions and “make me happy” but to serve my God and do what I can to make every member, be they child or spouse, better servants of God. With this the true goal of marriage is to help the other to salvation. Paul says this in 1 Cor 7 when he says not to put aside a non-believing spouse for the possibility of their sanctification and that of their entire family. “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.” <br />
If you make it to heaven and your spouse does not – YOU HAVE FAILED

I am now over 55, and have been in a somewhat sexless marriage for the last 5; married 27. I have been keeping records the last five years, but the issue started long before that. Went almost 4 years without real sex. I share your faith and concern for what it means to you relationship with God and your commitment to your wife. Your first and most obvious issue is that your wife does not share your faith. But to be honest many women of faith do not abide by the Bible when it comes to this matter. <br />
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I have struggled with this issue. My wife has had health problems and so have I. So I have been patient and slow and gentle, but some times i think it is just an excuse. To me it is the total disregard for my needs. I do (or did) try to meet her needs. There is a lot in her history that has shaped her opinion on sexual relations. She is needy in many ways, but sex does not seem to be a need. She blames me, but i think her excuses are just excuses to keep me at a distance. Meeting her expectations (which in its self seems Biblical) are changing. it buys her time to move the target or come up with new diversions. However, my wife is a believer. That has helped some in our interactions and discussions, but her attitude is still one of a refuser. I have said to my wife that the Lord loves a cheerful giver and so do I. <br />
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To the issue of faithfulness.. My position is that this is a two sided coin. A person is judged faithful for what they do as well as what they do not do. The marriage vow is one that is a pledge of one's self to the other. withholding the physical could be considered to be unfaithful.

Im a 50 year old bible believing Christian... my husband died 6 months ago.. i was married for 27 years, and didnt have sex for the last 15... he was buff and gorgeous when we got married , then he became so obese that sex was no physically possible and his ultimate demise. I loved him, and struggled with the same questions you are asking... so much misery that I thought I had successfully switched that part of me off forever.......NOT TRUE!!!! Well, in response to your question.... I think the bible makes it very clear that there should be no long term intentional withholding.... unintentional opens up another very painful road that has it's own questions....<br />
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I hope I am assuming correctly that the withholding your husband is doing is completely voluntary, and not because of a health issue or traumatic event .... if so would he be loath to the idea of a marriage counselor

I dont believe that God would want you so unhappy. I always say that to my Mom when she says negative things, I always say I cant believe God did this or that, he is a good God and wants us happy he doesnt want to hurt his children. If you honestly believe your wife does not love you, if you actually know that then it is just a room mate situation that you have then. I think you deserve to be happy. <br />
I am praying on my situation right now, I am struggling with the fear that my marriage is being attacked and if I were to leave it then I would be making a huge mistake one I would regret the rest of my life, because I know God blessed me with him at one time. But if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he didnt love me. Then there would be no question for me what I needed to do. <br />
I hope the best for you.

Our first instinct, when we realize something has gone amiss, is to look for answers within the context of our existing beliefs. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've realiized, even if your wife shared your faith she would spin this Corinthians letter in such a way that Paul's reasoning would not apply in your situation. Paul, after all, approves marital relations in the context of the difficulty of maintaining the preferred chaste lifestyle among believers.<br />
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I am not religious myself but my refusing wife belongs to a moderately evangelical Christian sect. Years ago I once tried pointing out that our marriage should then, in her belief system, involve reciprocal sexual duties. That argument got a reaction all right, but it wasn't very holy!<br />
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This depends on your denomination, but you've only been married three years. Is it possible to obtain an annulment? You say your wife doesn't love you, which might actually help in getting one. If she entered into the marriage without the requisite honest, mature intention to fulfill her expected duties (as defined in your denomination), that might allow you to get a civil divorce without cutting yourself off from your faith community.<br />
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I can tell you're miserable with your current situation. Sadly, the prognosis is poor. Even if your wife were to decide to join your religion it's highly unlikely she'll also suddenly start making love to you out of a sense of religious duty, You can't force her to love you.<br />
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Please don't be offended by a nonbeliever presuming to mention this, but if you ever get to the stage where you're contemplating an affair, look at Proverbs 6:26, the one about a harlot costing a loaf of bread but a strange woman destroying you. In most current translations it's read in such a way as to strongly discourage extramarital sex altogether (i.e. a harlot will reduce you to a loaf of bread instead of costing a loaf of bread). I think, though, that the proverb was originally intended as practical advice for the situation those of us at ILIASM are in: if you must look elsewhere for relief, a professional will (only) cost money, but an affair with another woman will drag you down into all sorts of destructive entanglements. <br />
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In any event, I'm sorry for your pain and I wish you the best.

Thank you for responding, I can't tell you how awesome it is to find others in the same boat and for people as yourself that care to take enough time to encourage. I liked your line that said a professional will only cost you money but an affair with another woman will drag you down into all sorts of destructive entanglements!

Sure, God gives a $hit about our sexlessness, you read so many stories how it was fixed through prayer and supplication (me rolling eyes). Now that I think about it, if God wants to take of things in a HANDS ON kind of way I hope he starts with war and hunger and kids with bone cancer, after he gets that stuff off his (or her) list I am sure he will make his way by ILIASM and help us all out.<br />
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Not knocking God per se, just don't think he (or she) gives a damn about ILIASM all too much ba<x>sed on the evidence.

I don't know what God thinks about it, and I presume God is not ecstatic about other things like poverty and war. But they happen.<br />
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I've heard other accounts where both partners share the same Christian denomination and are devout. But the Corinthians line did no good at all with the refuser, there's something else they can point to, to self-justify. People are terribly good at that. If your W doesn't share your faith, then it's bizarre to expect her to follow one of your faith's standards that doesn't suit her.<br />
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Ironically, although I'm not religious, I do like the notion of mutual stewardship that I've seen described in relation to a sacremental marriage and marital sexuality. Only works if both buy in.

You say it's bizarre I would expect her to follow one of my faiths standards, but I really don't look at it like it's my faiths standard, I feel it is just what marriage is for. I would never have married and given away my ability to fulfill my own needs with others, if I knew the woman I entered the sexual covenant of marriage with was not going to be a good steward of my committing myself to her. I loved how you put that, " I do like the notion of mutual stewardship" ! That was really profound. Thank you for taking the time to comment. What is your story?

In which case, I'd be talking about what you have in mind for your marriage - much pain comes from different expectations about this, so both being clear about this. In the case of the SM, I don't think you need to invoke your religious beliefs - anyone claiming that there isn't a reasonable expectation of sexual activity in a marriage is being disingenuous. Doesn't stop people claiming that though.

Your difficulty here is that you can advance a brilliantly reasoned arguement ba<x>sed on sc<x>ripture / religion that is absolutely watertight to back up your position -<br />
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- but -<br />
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- it means nothing if,<br />
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(a) your spouse does not genuinely share your belief system (and clearly here she does not)<br />
(b) your spouse is only a "selective" believer - ie she accepts the bits that are in her self interests and rejects the bits that are not <br />
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It would summarise down to this.<br />
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Let us say that your position is absolutely "right". In and of itself that means nothing. The marriage will be equally dysfunctional whether your position is "right" or whether it is "wrong".<br />
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That is the essential fact you have to deal with.<br />
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I am reading a sub text here that were it not for the teachings of your church, you would divorce.<br />
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There lies your way forward, or your staying inert. Your choice is to follow a doctrine that is clearly not in your best interests, or to adopt a different doctrine that does recognise reality.<br />
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Much empathy. Dysfunctional marriages and their resolvement / dissolvement is a very painful process, and as a Christian you have the added bonus of doctrine to wrestle with.<br />
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This will likely not help, but it is NOT illegal to divorce, it is a societal recognition that not all marriages work out, and as such is NOT a matter of morality ("right" or "wrong") it is simply a mechanism to undo a marriage. The "moral" aspects of it WE supply ourselves.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Thank you for your comments, they are truly profound. The pain of this so called marriage, is almost to much to bear, I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistreatment and I feel for everyone in this forum. I don't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. Sex is only 10% of marriage until it is absent, then it becomes 90%. it is like someone is choking me. And you know when you start to suffocate the panic feeling that comes over the brain, well that happens to me a lot. It feels that I will never get this need met. I can't see such a loving God wanting me to remain. It's like my wife won't come out and say it, but she really wants nothing to do with this marriage. She wants all the benefits of a husband but is not willing to pay the price for one, through selfless love to fulfill her husband. I have done nothing but love her with my whole heart, I just want her to follow my living example of love for her, but I definitely can't make her heart love me! You are right though, if she doesn't share the same beliefs as me there is nothing I can do, but divorce or remain inert and dye daily in hopes that one day maybe she will love me again. But my heart is almost bankrupt. I sure wish she was willing to live in love with me. She just doesn't know what a wonderful relationship she is missing out on. I am willing to love her with my whole heart, if she would just turn from this sexual abuse. I used to ask her," how can I love you the way you need to be loved, not the way I think you need to be loved" ? I am not to proud to listen, just instruct me as to what you need! But she only gave me silence. It is like talking to a wall.