The Pillow

I was not sure where to put this story - here? forum? blog?
Ended up here. Entertaining reading I suppose, I find it amusing.

My marriage is broken, I'm not re hashing here, read my past stories.
A strange routine has emerged regards bedtime. It's been like this for a year or more now.

She can not tolerate proximity. For years I used to reach out to her, in the day, evening and night, in the bed. She used to put pillows between us in the bed to keep me away! Now we don't go to bed at the same time time after I said I love her as the mother of my children, not as a woman. She didn't like this at all, said how do you think I feel knowing this? Unloved I said, but that is how it is. I said nothing has changed in her daily and nightly life, other than I will not 'bother' her now, and as she never approaches me then for her, her every day activities, nothing has changed. She didn't really know what to say to that, she was just pissed off for months. She said how do expect her to ever be close to me physically again? I said I don't expect nor want her too.

She comes to bed maybe 4am or so, so the children see us get up as a married couple. I kind of get that. I said I will sleep in the spare bedroom but she didn't want that. That option is gone now anyway as we have a smaller house and no spare room.
However, living this lie now is too much for me, I need to not be with her for my own dignity.
I prefer to sleep on the settee now, all night. So my wife now seems to not go to bet at all, falls asleep on the other settee, her settee, and eventually I think - I might as well go to bed, this of course allows her to come to bed at 4am to keep the lie alive.
It's about control, she needs the control, but it's being taken away from her, but she is adapting by purposefully sleeping on the settee to get me into bed so she can then come to bed to keep the lie alive. Its insanity!

So, for my own dignity I have been putting the pillows between us to make the point that I don't want her there is clear, as she used to do to me on occasion in the past.
I do not wish to share a marital bed with a woman who does not want me - pretty simple.

Recently I have woken up with the pillows on the floor by my side of the bed. She has thrown them out when she comes to bed I imagine, but then she sleeps as far away as possible, back turned. We have a super king bed - massive!

I'm a little pissed off with this in truth, I want to be apart from her, now she removes my symbol from between us.
It has been 2 weeks now, she has said nothing! Not asked why suddenly i barricade her away! But she knows it's done.

Yes it's crazy
Yes, she is crazy
Yes I'm leaving
Endthegame Endthegame
41-45, M
23 Responses Sep 13, 2011

This reminded me of an analagous thing I did to stop the lying as you are doing (although we did continue sharing the same bed).<br />
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Having stopped the sex on my call - and being very upfront and explicit about why I was doing so and what I wanted - I also openly talked about the situation with selected friends - not to get at her, but in a sincere effort to understand and improve. She HATED that. Because it exposes the lie and blows the pretence that you have a "proper" marriage out of the water. But tough shvt.

I do that! I used to hide it.
Im sure she would tell people if I had a (insert reason here) she hated. So now, if sex comes up, I just say

I honestly don't know how anyone could function under such conditions. I would think tat it woudl slowly kill off a person's soul. How do you manage?

if ETG's anything like me, taking action and exposing the lies is liberating - the very opposite of killing the soul - that's what was happening before! No more!

Thanks unlucky - look on the positive side, your making steps forward now, unlike many here who have taken years.<br />
Good luck!

I have only been married for 2 1/2 years and I am already going through the bed at different times to avoid each other routine. Good luck

How good at DIY are you? I'm thinking you should buy another bed exactly the same and attach it on top of yours, then you've got a Super King size bunk bed. Or get two single mattresses for the bed and build a nice brick/mortar wall between them on the bed :)<br />
<br />
Seriously though, I'm sorry you're in such a position - it has to suck but on the plus side, the more pissed you are, the more it pushes you to a point where you can release yourself. <br />
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All the best

Note to self (Smiles and Laughters are the best seducers!) OK.....<br />
<br />
A man walked into a bar and..... Ha HA hA :)<br />
<br />
Woo Hoo! - Im beating them off with a ****** stick now!

How can something be so funny and so sad at the same time!!

The deception is unhealthy (getting up at 4am just to switch seats?) and quite unnecessary for the kids. You might as well snap out of it and choose a better alternative. Plenty of people with some remaining sex life do not share a bed for a variety of reasons.


Maybe, if you really ramped it up, really went at it full on, feeding the behaviour, actively feeding her neurosies, pro-actively pushing her further and further, she might tip over the edge and go nuts, leaving you in position "A".<br />
<br />
A touch machiavellian perhaps.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Control freak, maybe....Oppositional definately. Anything you want, she wants the opposite. It is all a power struggle.

Yes, she is a control freak - it's all part of the OCPD. Also she needs to be morally right, so the throwing the pillows out of bed is her way of taking back the control... and all I want is a simple, NORMAL relationship. It is madness when you actually stand back and look at it - I used to go to bed, chat, sex - or not depending on the vibe, sleep. It really is that simple - lol.

You are reflecting her own stupid **** back to her, I think it's a brilliant strategy. <br />
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Also, I am sure your kids see more than you and your W think.

Im sure my son does TX. Daughter, not so... yet

Sleeping on a settee? Really? With a pillow barricade? Can you take a photo so we can all see how it's done?<br />
<br />
I've got the super king sized bed that has a mound in the middle from no one venturing from their own trench so a pillow barricade isn't necessary...unless there might be a chance for action? Naah. I'm safe.

morningteatime, lol. I have the mound too!
The more i read the more i see we are all the same. These little insanities coming out...

I have to tell you I read your story last night to my H and he didn't think it was as funny as I did. I wonder why?

In recent months my wife and I have rarely slept in the same bed. On nights she works, I'm sleeping in the blissfully vacant marital bed; if she's home at night, I'm on one of the couches downstairs. The kids, bless their hearts, think it's fun to camp out in the living room with dad. <br />
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It had just gotten too stressful trying to sleep next to a person who had gotten into the lamentable habit of waiting until the wee hours (usually on a worknight) to turn on all the lights, poke me awake, and start interrogating me about my failings. She didn't do this every week or even every month, but it still happened way more than sex. She said it was the only time we had to talk without the kids, but I still think this sort of planned, systematic sleep deprivation is illegal under the Geneva Convention! <br />
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Anyway, for years she had built the usual walls of pillows. Since we only have a queen-sized bed, the center wall took a lot of valuable real estate. I had actually contemplated getting an eight-foot plank from a lumber yard, sanding it smooth, then slipping it between us as a modern-day bundling board. <br />
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Given the current arrangements it's moot, but I don't think she would have ob<x>jected, except to the cost of the lumber.

I have suggested 2 beds, seperate rooms (can't do that now, no spare room) and a few other things, if they are visible to the oitside world she is against it... keep the lie alive...

Yep peach, i just find it odd. Im on the settee as i type this, happy times

A fence!

Don't bathe...that will scare her off..or at least the stench will...

good idea - 4 days now and going strong...
I just don't know why my friends don't call around any more....

have the construction workers saw the bed in half.

ETG, <br />
Get "body pillows" (like a regular pillow, only full-length). They're very efficient for building a wall in the bed. Speaking from experience. <br />
: )

When I get my own bed - I am sleeping smack bang in the middle! could rent a suit of armor. wear it to just might break the ice and make her at least laugh..<br />
hugs<br />
<br />
I know this is no laughing matter..but sometimes..that's all your left with..and it helps a lot to really do you think I lasted 43years...geeze louise.

Thank goodness for Super King sized beds I say!

crazy is the common thread that runs through all Refusers I am afraid. Good luck on your journey.