An Amazing, Empowered, Awakened MomentSomething happened to me last night. Last week, I decided to tell my H about this site and told him he should go on and read some of the stories here. My purpose was two-fold: 1) I’ve been on the computer more than usual, and I wanted him to know why since we have a “no more secrets” policy, and 2) I thought he could benefit from hearing the pain that living in a SM inflicts on the soul of the refused.
So last night, he told me that he’d been on the site and had read MY stories and no one else’s. I guess that’s not particularly shocking. Everything I’ve written here, I’ve told him so there were no surprises. However, the gravity of my writings weighed heavily on him. I suppose seeing my feelings in writing was different than hearing them.
Prior to his arriving home last night, I had spoken with our daughter who is away at college. She called with some disappointment over not being selected for an activity in which she desperately wanted to participate. During the conversation, she shared with me that she had been in a class where the professor had asked them to imagine their childhood bedroom and reflect upon it. She told me she couldn’t do it and started to cry in class. She said, “Mom, I realized my entire childhood was a lie because of the problems between you and dad.”
There is nothing harder for me than the pain of my children especially if I feel some responsibility in its origin.
So I mustered up my strength and said, “Sweetheart, your childhood was most definitely not a lie. Your father lied to me, not to you. We have loved you from the moment you were conceived; we have savored raising you; your father loves you and so do I; and the experiences we had/have as a family, we really had/have. It was not a dream or something conjured up just to fill the space.” She listened and understood. She is trying to reconcile what her father did to me, and as with most daughters, she has idolized her father. She’s having a hard time letting that tin soldier fall off the shelf. I can’t blame her especially since my H is a truly fantastic father.
So during the discussion with my H, I suggested he open up the dialogue with our daughter. She is our emotional one, and she is processing a potential change in the future of her family. For her benefit I suggested he explain what happened from his perspective and be honest. He said he would. Then he started to reflect upon our lives together. “Haven’t I been here for you? Haven’t I been a good father? Haven’t I contributed equally to our life together?”
And I said in a truly awakened moment…
“Of course you have and so have I. But I will no longer allow you to separate out our physical relationship as if it doesn’t matter compared to all the other things in our life. It’s not a separate part of something. My relationship with you is my relationship with you – all together, integrated. One part cannot be missing. It’s all or nothing. You have totally controlled our sexual relationship without any regard for me. Your withholding has made me feel unloved, unattractive and diminished.”
And I heard Baz’s voice, “We have a great relationship, except for the sex”, and I now see how little sense that makes and how dismissing it is to me.
They are not separate. That is the refuser’s litany. It is not mine
An amazing, empowered, awakened moment. I hope I have many more.