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Program Me And I Will Perform

This story was prompted by the following conversation:

Me: "Sounds familiar: lights must be out, it's too cold to take off everything, the neighbors or a drive-by cop will hear the moans, me-on-top-are-you-kidding, missionary rules, your junk does not belong in my mouth, can't believe it's been only half an hour (or three weeks) and you'd like another serving, the whole gamut. "

OP: "Do you know my wife? My god, you described her to a T."

Decades back, while a kid, I was reading a sci-fi book about an alien visit. The aliens drop by a farm. The ranch dogs sense the scents are not quite right, they get ferocious, and they bite one of the aliens (who have of course assumed human form) in the leg. The protagonist, who is the farmer's son, notices that the "person" is not bleeding! He expresses surprise at this. Immediately, the alien grabs his leg and says "You did not look carefully. Look, I am bleeding very badly. Can you find some cloth to bandage it until I find a doctor?" And sure enough, the kid saw blood oozing all over.

You know where this is going. My spouse started her short career in intimacy by lying like a log or corpse. After quite some nerving myself to say something embarrassing and possibly offensive, I mumbled something like "I am curious why you do not moan in pleasure. I have heard people having sex usually do that. You know I do." And she goes, "Oh, I see, I must have been sleepy." And thereafter, if she is in the mood, some little moaning would be served up. Some months later I squirm around saying "Do you feel like gyrating and thrusting your hips? Because I have read most people like to do that." And she went "May be you don't feel it because you are on top". But in some sessions to follow, there's a little more action around the hips. This business of programming the desired response got fairly creepy. In only one aspect, the programming was not so effective: when she claimed she climaxed, I sensed nothing specific about the moment. No twitching of limbs or face, no curling of toes, no vocalization, nothing I can feel down south. But, having had no other partner (and now having no plan to do so) I have no idea how normal all the above are, seeing as "each women is different" (with the implicit adjunct that "all men are about the same").

Anyway, I wasted years pondering if she was human or alien, badly hampered by a sampling rate of once in two months. And every time I brought up lame questions like above, it got clearer and clearer that coitus was largely or entirely for my benefit, so I had to take the trouble to write down a detailed spec of what I wanted. Then I realized that you can actually dissociate the decision of whether you are enjoying it from the factual detail of who or what you are doing: human, alien, or goat.
ulae ulae 41-45 11 Responses Sep 14, 2011

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uale said...&gt;Curiously, most people who know us both (except those who know me really well, like four people) think she is warmer and I am colder. I do not have a good idea how this has come to pass.<br />
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gypsy said...&gt;from my experience, refusers ,abuser will project a friendly manner towards those who are out side the arena they refuse/abuse, cant look like the bad guy/gal to any one out side the circle they refused/abused..... they want to look like the good one.

Noreen said "She picks up on your every suggestion for how you want her to perform in bed, and she is clearly trying to please you. Even if the coitus is "largely or entirely" for your benefit, she's trying to make you happy.,"<br />
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Are you serious? Clearly trying to please by what, going through the motions whenever he carefully select the correct words to suggest? The only thing she should get credit for is being responsible for destroying the poor guy's life. I also had an alien/robot/passive aggressive/controlling "wife" for 22 years. I got tired of begging, choreographing, and then waiting another 3-4 months after jumping through all of her hoops in correct order, just to maybe get a miniscule shot at feeling like a man again.<br />
FYI, left that robotic unfeeling cold ***** a year ago and have found lots of women who do just fine in bed with no suggestions from me.

I think they lay there like they are dead in order to train us not to like it. My first wife did that. It worked, I left her.

Nefandus got it exactly right. It sucks to feel every time (not that there ever were that many times) that the show was put on for my benefit, and the other party could well have done without all the heavy lifting. Like in the sci fi book, if I pointed this out, she would immediately say "of course I enjoy it too", but that is just like the alien "bleeding".<br />
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@morningteatime: "muted"? Depends. In the company of friends, colleagues and acquaintances, she is quite sociable, more so than I. She has great rapport with her siblings. But she can't keep close friends. Without intent to offend, most of her relationships are not very deep. She is keen to conform in the workplace and not ruffle any feathers. I don't hunt for fights either but if I have to professionally and formally oppose someone at work, I do.<br />
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Curiously, most people who know us both (except those who know me really well, like four people) think she is warmer and I am colder. I do not have a good idea how this has come to pass.<br />
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@wibble99 --- Too late to try new tricks. We are cordial coparents and share taste in music, movies, food and politics, which is nothing to sneer about. But new tricks, no more, sadly.<br />
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Thanks to everyone for the helpful comments.

from my experince, refusers, abusers will project a friendly manner towards those who are out side the arena they refuse/abuse, cant look like the bad guy/gal to any one out side the circle of refused/abused

PS<br />
I've heard it told that once a woman hits 50, she is capable of having the most mind blowing "O's". Too bad she doesn't want to try.

She might try (and fail) in her own style. And the relationship is such that I will feel extremely, unacceptably embarrassed to suggest a vibrator. Folks who have read my earlier posts will rightly suspect that she might mistake my suggestion as using a mobile phone. There is a reasonable chance she does not know what a vibrator is. At age 36 she did not know what "shag" (v.) meant. Morning glory was news to her after we moved in together. She has no good reason to have body image issues. To my knowledge her childhood was normal except she was academically brilliant and therefore somewhat aloof during her teens.

U<br />
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Another great post. You do have a way of artistically painting a picture with words. <br />
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I wonder if your wife is muted in all areas of her life. When she goes to a party, is she engaging or engaged? Does she have a particular food or activity that puts a smile on her face? If she does, then she is lying to you, maybe not consciously but subconsciously. If she doesn't, then she is like the typical refuser who has shut himself/herself off from feeling at a passionate level. <br />
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I have a cousin who never smiles. She is attractive and really smart and lives in the right neighborhood, but she never smiles. She's emotionally constipated. What you describe reminds me of her. She is married to an equally constipated man so I imagine it works out fine for them. <br />
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The problem with you is you are not emotionally constipated. You want to feel it and see it and enjoy your experience with the one you chose to live your life with. You might tell yourself it doesn't matter, but it does. So what is one to do? You've chosen to stay, accept what she can give and sometimes when you're particularly sad or frustrated, share it with your friends here.<br />
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We can all love without sex; we've proved that in spades. But it's not what we want - thus the continuing struggle for many of us. <br />
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Thanks for continuing to share.

Puts me in mind of Hymie the robot in Get Smart from the odd decade or two ago.<br />
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Ulae, you have a very unique view of the world of sexless marriages, and an equally unique way of coping with the situation as is. <br />
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I am coming to the conclusion that what we see in your contributions here is actually the "authentic" you. Marching to your own beat in your unique circumstances, in your own unique way.<br />
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I see this as a good thing I ought add. Being the authentic you does not necessarily mean working toward enhancing the sexual ex<x>pression in your marriage, nor does it necessarily mean working toward getting out of it. <br />
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It means just what YOU want it to mean. And you seem like you are a reasonably happy person. That is a good outcome.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Have you checked for pods?<br />
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Sorry, never could resist a classic movie reference. Seriously though, Darkmoon's thoughts, supra, are worth serious contemplation. And Mahler is sublime.

She picks up on your every suggestion for how you want her to perform in bed, and she is clearly trying to please you. Even if the coitus is "largely or entirely" for your benefit, she's trying to make you happy. Doesn't she get a little bit of credit for that?<br />
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She's not an alien. There are plenty of other humans who get little or nothing out of sex. Her being shortchanged in that department is not her fault.

Yes, I know. I keep these frustrations away from her, and have remained loyal and will remain so. But a guy needs some place to vent.

Credit her for trying, sure. But it's the difference between "giving" sex and her "taking" sex. It's not a question of technique or action. The difference maker is in desire. When I'm in bed, I want to feel desired. I want to feel like I'm needed there, for her. I want her to feel greedy about me and her needs - to feel hungry for me - and that's all about desire. I want to feel desired, more than I want to have sex.

Exactly.

I second that Nef. My wife has been more willing to have sex with me lately but I don't really feel like she desires me. I want her to desire me like I do her.

Some people just are not built that way. It's tough for them, knowing that they're not good enough for their husbands or wives. It's too bad that "wanting to want" sex is not the same as wanting it. I feel sorry for the spouse who wants to be desired AND for the spouse who does not desire sex. They must both be miserable.

it aches like acid in your heart. Male or female, the outcome of such core rejection is a slow burn on your psyche. So you pace the floors at night, take cold showers, whatever you can to get through the body rejection. Begging for a reanimation, something live, instead of the corpse that fills your bed.

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-- and now having no plans to do so.<br />
That's sad. <br />
Martyr complex?

No complex, I am a very simple martyr to love. :-)

Sad...hey at least she listens once in a while....Just trying to put a smile on your face!!!!!<br />
Some of us are wired to want sex with our partners all the time and some of us are wired to be happy with holding hands and kisses on the forhead...<br />
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I would be a not so good house wife, but a damn good whor* in the bedroom ...but my husband is low sex drive and not very passionate at all.<br />
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Good luck and keep reading our stories here..you'll find some comfort!