My Refuser Thinks I Am 'acting Myself'I am wondering if any of you have experienced this, and/or what your opinion is about this.
For several months, say from February 2011 through the present time, my husband and I have been openly struggling with the most recent discussion of our SM and its problems. (This is not the first time we have had these marriage discussions and efforts.) During this time he has been 'trying'. A lot of our problems didn't just involve sex, but lack of intimacy, lack of sharing, sweeping problems under the rug, lack of attention, ED, depression, abuse, different needs......and we talked about them. The atmosphere around our house was 'awkward', tense, controlling, unhappy. We both lost weight, began seeing counselors, etc. Nothing was new, but it was all out on the table.
In early August I consulted with an attorney and put my exit plan into full motion. Everything I have done so far is revocable, should I change my mind.
My attitude has changed. I am in control of myself. I am happy. I have gathered a support network, mostly all of you, and stopped talking to those who do not understand my situation. I am in such a good mood that my husband has even noticed it and commented on it, and gradually stopped trying to control what I eat, where I go, which room in the house I am in, when I go to bed, what I do all day....etc. My ongoing positive attitude during this part of the process has been an education to me.
In short, he has reverted back to his 'not trying' behavior now that I am happy. I read this as him just wanting me to 'be happy' and not bother him with anything that causes a disruption to his life. He was sound asleep on the couch by 7pm last night (after a day of golf and drinking), which was one of the things he was 'trying' not to do. I had complained that he disengaged himself from our family (just me now that our kids are off at school) every night by drinking and then going to sleep early, thus not contributing to a family relationship or a marriage. It had seemed to me that he was not happy being married to me.
I think he is seeing my happiness now as a reversion back to what he calls my normal self. He had kept telling me that I was 'not acting yourself', meaning I was not acting happy, and he thought I needed to go to a psychiatrist and get some medication (because 'who would not be happy married to him and living this life?' obviously, I must be mentally ill!). So, now I am happy, and he assumes I am back to being happy with my life with him. He doesn't know that my launching date is approaching, and as it approaches, I am getting happier. This tells me that nothing has changed at all! He just wants it all to go away. So my recent attempts to fix this have come to naught. Which reinforces that I am doing the right thing by leaving!
Has anyone else noticed their refuser's behavior changing back as they became happier about their exit plan coming to fruition?
louiseshaw 51-55, F 11 Responses 0 Sep 15, 2011