My Refuser Thinks I Am 'acting Myself'

"We also did the movie thing as part of the 'trying'. It was spending time together, but not really paying attention to each other. Wonderful way to have a 'pretend' date. " This explains so much, helps me articulate why I detest movies and the television so bloody much! They zone out and you are chained there, like some leashed dog, being ignored, muzzled in misery waiting for the end credits or a commercial so you actually might connect with each other. I prefer walks, dances for a real date any day of the week (they are cheaper too).

Yes. I noticed when I am happy and talk about small things (weather, gardening, ec, etc) my husband is more positive to me. He thinks I am calm and so I am "over" the problems and we return to "autopilot." Back to a patten or sexless room mates, who at most sit together on a couch.



It is a form for "Letting sleeping dogs lie."



I am very happy for you and your clarity over your situation.



My husband just lost his job and I have new dramas to content with. In some way, it is pushing me closer to a departure date too. I just want to be more secure in my job before moving.

Louise,



AS I have told u before, I See so many similarities in some of your stories. "and gradually stopped trying to control what I eat, where I go, which room in the house I am in, when I go to bed, what I do all day....etc." . My H does this too. Unfortunately he does not stop even if he is in some other town. He calls me and tells me what to do with my day. Now I have started cutting him short. I need to keep reminding him about my talk with him, where I told him I want out. Everytime he acts as if I he does not know what I am talking about. - 'What did you tell me? Oh about the new work our kitchen needs? No?Oh about your assignment? No? " So now I have become very quiet. I have told him enough and if it does not register what can I do?

I tried for many years the same as you, and when I left he was asking why, and whats wrong, I told him it was too late now, after years of talking, he didn't see a problem with him sleeping in another room, or going out drinking with his friends all the time, not doing anything around the house or with our children.

It was been a struggle since I left, but I have a decent job, bought a house on my own and own 2 vehicles that are paid for, so I say to you, life goes on, it will take an adjustment on your part, but go and don't look back, I am a happier person now, and have met many lovely men, and made new friends, lost weight, life is great now.

Louiseshaw, I love this post of yours. Im glad youre not falling for his "trying" and Im glad that you can see its all a temporary farce. Youve got guts and you can do it! I agree with all the posters who responded, he will only "try" when he thinks he may seriously be losing you. Too little, too late. It's very insincere.

My ex was stunned when I asked for separation and divorce. He thought things were going so much better. That's because I'd emotionally detached and wasn't trying to get any affection from him. I was acting happy and wasn't bothering him, so things were good!



Pretty much what CoolAutumn said ...

Comport yourself with dignity and great happiness, keep your exit plan to yourself until you pull the trigger, cope with any anxiety in a healthy way (physical training, good eating habits, social support networks, etc), put your game face on and DO NOT display any anxiety or lack of confidence while in his presence (which he will intrepret as a weakness anyway).



This is a time to project nothing but strength and power. Fake it if you have to.



And live - damnit - LIVE!!!!



You only were (ever) on his radar when HIS comfort level was impacted.



Good story!

A gnat, a perfect analogy. Well, I'm a gnat until she wants to buy something, then she is nice and has conversations with me. The only problem is the conversations are always about her and her friends.

L- Keep your exit plan in place and keep moving forward, once your out you will find the grass is greener on the other side. My X thought taking me to a movie should be enough "trying" to keep me in his cage. That was all the attempt he was willing to put in.



Life is a complete turn around from where I was with the X. I find myself grinning with happiness for no reason sometimes than sheer joy with how my life is.

To quote my guru here, BlueSpruce, you are not really part of their picture. They just want to percolate dully along. Hey, where's the fire?



Your "problem" -and they do see you wanting to have sex as a problem- is just like a gnat buzzing around in the room. It's annoying, but ultimately no biggie to them.



Subtext: you're a dictatorial ***** for putting me through feigning concern.

It's amazing how clueless these people really are. Their whole world revolves around their belly button and no one else really has any relevance unless they are doing something that messes up their own personal little playground. If I died in another room in the house my wife probably wouldn't notice I was missing until I failed to deliver her next meal. Then she would probably call someone to remove the body and go back to watching television. We matter so little to these people that the only time they notice us is when we are causing a disruption in their routine and then their major focus is trying to get us to stop so they can get back to what they were doing. So keep working your exit plan and maybe practice some Rockette style high kicks so you can dance out the door in style maybe one will connect with his chin while he's staring at you in amazement that you would actually have the nerve to leave him after all where else could you find someone that ignores you as good as he does?

L-



It's always calm before a storm. He may sense it, but my guess is exactly as you say. He feels the pressure is off because the very small effort he made seemed like enough. i truly think the hard wiring of a chronic refuser has a short circuit.



My H has done the same, though he's learning that just because I'm jovial doesn't mean our relationship is ok. He thought that for a long time because he wanted it to be true. He would judge our days, "Today was a good day, wasn't it?" as though that "good day" would somehow offest our SM. I think the refused truly separate their behavior from their relationship with us. Crazy, crazy stuff.



I imagine one hard part for you is knowing you're going to leave and he doesn't. I would be feeling all kinds of anxiety over that. But it's truly no different than the lie we've been living all these years. It's just that pretending has gotten harder than it used to be.



You're in my heart.

......And as a mere few zillion stories here confirm, they never think you will actually pull the trigger.



Your people-pleasing doormat self trained him to think he can live in his selfish fantasy bubble forever.



Work on that, OK?

When you start putting the word "trying" in quotation marks, the gig is up.



You're on to his absurd Kabuki theatre-pantomiming of half-hearted, pretend-effort. At this point, you're probably finding it hard to keep a straight face.



In his defense: He really does think he's trying. But then again, wife beaters always think "she provoked me into it'. His disassociation from basic reality (what a marriage is, what constitutes actual effort in real life) is his problem, not yours.