I thought about posting this is the forum but put it here as when I was new I didn’t know about the forum boards. There is a forum for this particular book & can be found here: http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/forum/The-Sex-Starved-Marriage-BOOK/47194
I started reading a book yesterday “The Sex Starved Marriage” Michele Weiner Davis, and though I have not finished it yet, the segment below explains a bit about the bait & switch tactic which so many experience. Kind of makes sense as I am also reading the Brain in Love, Daniel Amen. I do believe that it all starts in the brain as a bunch of chemical reactions, & I am learning more each day. It is complex, yet it is simple. The problem lies when both parties are made aware of all of the varying reasons (& there are many as to why sex & intimacy dwindle) and no steps are taken (& there are remedies) by the low desire/refuser party to rectify the pain & suffering of their spouse whom they claim to love, but we all know that, don’t we? As is commonly stated here in ILIASM, it takes the work of both parties to make a marriage, or any long term relationship work, & IT IS WORK. We so often say “I do” & then we don’t. Sad. Better education made mainstream would be of tremendous value. Getting both parties actually interested in learning, priceless. Most of us that wind up here are the ones that are seeking answers & solutions & feel the need to exhaust every avenue.
So, for whatever it’s worth, if anything, especially to those whose marriages are not yet completely “in the ditch” (Baz) and for whom sex was once thought to be "good" here is an excerpt from book, The Sex Starved Marriage:
“Probably one of the most common & troublesome examples of this is, is what happens in the early years of a relationship when infatuation is the rule:
Let’s say that a high-T and a low –T person (someone with either high or low levels of testosterone) become attracted to one another (highly likely since opposites attract). During infatuation, with the help of PEA (phenethylamine), dopamine, and norepinephrine, the person with the low sex drive (the low-T person) experiences a surge in sexual desire. While under the influence of the love cocktail, the low-T person thinks, feels, and acts like a high-T person. This individual who ordinarily has little interest in sex, who is not easily aroused and doesn’t think about sex, experiences just the opposite. On any given day sexual fantasies, love play & sexual initiation all become part of the infatuated behavior of the low-T lover, who is now believing “I have finally found someone who turns me on .” Meanwhile the high-T person is thinking, “ I have died and gone to heaven. I have finally found someone who enjoys sex as much as I do.” (Love,2001,pp.45-56)
Over time the impact of these hormones fade, and both spouses return to their normal levels of sexual interest, leaving the high-T person feeling duped & deceived, the low –T person questioning himself or herself, or more commonly, the relationship. “
So, my words not the author, when the marriage dissolves & the low-T person moves on to someone else, & the “love cocktail” chemicals ignite again, both the refuser & the refused get their validation that hah, it was the relationship after all & maybe if luck is involved this time they are better matched once the “high” subsides, if not the pattern repeats. Ugggghhhhhh.
Also goes back to what VB so often says in fewer words, “ The sex people need to be with the sex people”. So? When are we gonna come up with the tests that determine all of this without having to go thru so much anguish, huh? Gazillions of $$$ just waiting to be tapped into!
If you have mustered thru this lengthy post, I hope you are having a great day or night, wherever you are~!