Excerpt From Book The Sex Starved Marriage.

Thanks for your post. It makes a lot of sense and probably what happened in my marriage.

have read the book, actually twice....tried to get spouse to read also....a good read and lots of knowledge to be gained........in the end both have to be willing partners to make any progress...best of the season to you....

If we'd get over the polyamory prohibition, two or three low-T's might be a fine match for a high T.



That counts for a high T woman, too. A couple low-T guys...

Great vacations and no one feeling put out.

Kasey that is soo good an article.... I read it again and again...bummer sort of...need to find the High T person....

For a The High T, Low T marriage to be happy long term the both spouses need to show a high level of commitment. The list below has generally speaking worked well for us.



The "COMMITTED" Low T spouse:

- Makes the effort to let themself be aroused on a frequent basis AND

- Recognizes that sexual rejection is VERY PAINFUL and acts accordingly AND

- Bluntly communicates their turn offs and turn ons to their partner to minimize the desire gap AND

- Accepts that there is going to be some somewhat one sided sex (more beneficial to the HIGH T spouse) in the marriage



A "COMMITTED" High T spouse consistently:

- Goes the extra mile outside the bedroom AND

- Diminishes the sexual imbalance by staying fit, and learning their partner sexually AND

- Tries hard to avoid pressuring their Low T partner for more sex than the Low T partner can manage without harm to the marriage AND

- Does NOT trade their self respect (and in doing so their partners respect for them) for sex as this slowly kills the marriage

I read it several years back and took from it what I could (wanted)........ Sounded good at the time but, it's as baz said, just a variant of 'chasing the "why" . You have to do what it takes to make it all right in your head but, in the end it is all a matter of time. Time is finite. Best CC

Thanks for sharing this resource.



I have gotten to the point where the reasons no longer matter. If it's DNA or neurosis or childhood trauma or a hangnail, the results are the same. I am refused, and I want something different.



I have read and read and read and learned a tremendous amount.



But I spend time on this site offering/receiving ideas and suggestions because it's the real deal. We are all struggling with a common problem, and we offer the most useful information because it's the heart that matters. Our hearts have been broken, and no book can illustrate the depth of that pain. But here, we feel it for ourselves and others. It's iimportant that we see we're not alone.



Never be afraid to share what you know or what you wonder. It doesn't matter if anyone agrees with what you say; it matters that you hear what's being offered which will ultimately bring clairity so you can make your own informed choices.



You are a smart gal.

The pattern of the low-T repeated repeated I'm 2nd. I didn't know I'd be in this position and sometimes I wonder if history will repeat itself again, all very good and well to be reading a book like this but after all its mostly about the timing.

I think that increasing ones knowledge about relationships and what makes them tick (or explode) is quite a worthwhile pursuit.



But it is just a variant of 'chasing the "why"' mostly.



The refused reads such tomes avidly, watches guru's on tv, devours articles in magazines, absorbs stuff on the net relevant to the subject.



The very people who could benefit from the material, are the same refusers, who have no interest in it.



Your research proves conclusively that the refusing spouse is (insert what you like here).



(Quoting VB here) - "then what ?"



Tread your own path.

If you blow on a balloon with a hole in the other end long and hard enough it will indeed inflate.



Then what?

I knew that this post would make some in ILIASM irate, but I posted it anyway. Time is of the essence when things in a marriage start to go awry. Education is good ammo, if you are both on the same team. Works well in theory. Practical application to the seasoned veterans in this group, perhaps not, but some of us have to beat the dead horse (in public no less) to our own satisfaction.

Guess I'm just wired that way. Part of the process~.

Exhibit A above of the kind of person we no longer invite to a party......

Sorry to disappoint, but no one takes a partner in marriage for the sex. They may think they do, and, as you say, a new relationship blooms with sex. But in selecting a mate only one thing preoccupies the mind: Can I make good babies with this person?

When a woman meets a man she cannot help but glance at his crotch, even though these are usually covered, she needs to know: what's the ***** factory and delivery system like?

A man looks at two things in a woman: her breasts; are they big enough for feeding babies? and he looks at her hips: will they comfortably carry and deliver babies?



The person we perceive as 'sexy' is just a trick our brains play on us. The waning of the sex drive comes after the babies, when the brain needs no longer to trick us.

Have not read this one, and probably won't bother...Don't you just love those do it yourself books that talk about the elements, and molecular explosions...with zero practical, down to earth advice...just H2O them, or just turn them into CO2. Sorry, I'm not being nice here...

But I agree, DNA type of tests will be available one day to match us up..I think I don't want to live long enough to be matched by scientific test. That sounds way too close to an arrange marriage of 18th centuary. Where is romance in that? I'd rather fall for someone unpredictable and risk it all - again.

......And don't look for me here on Friday.



Me and Penelope are celebrating 2 ****-filled years together by re-booking the original hotel room. Our cocktail or whatever that T-mumbling is all about is still filled to the brim. Just today, she told me, "I'm having a squishy crush on you". We're good for maybe half a dozen squishy crushes in the average week.



We're sex people. And therefore, we wanna be with.........you know.



Even if we're just socializing. If we don't get the sex buzz from people, we're def. moving them down the wanna-see 'em list.



Leave those blanked-out dullards in peace, we say.

That sex test to screen out the walking dead:



Really explicitly lay out what you want sexually.



Watch new partners like a hawk during sex.



Closely cross examine them afterwards.



But then again, I did all that and still ended up in a sexless marriage.



If you wanna guarentee, buy a hammer from Walmart.

wow! makes sense but what do you do?

Reading things like this makes me want to scramble into the attic, put on a pair of kleenex boxes and start lobbing rotten fruit at everyone approaching the property line.

One of the dating sites (one of the real ones, not like AFF) has a bunch of questions about how important sex is to you, then you can look up your matches based on that criteria. Those sites are a whole new phenomena. I know several people that met on those and are now happily married.

I think this is true and sad that we are unable to correct it before we startt looking elsehwere.