Just Want To Make Out With Someone!

I just watched a chick flick and boy I NEED to suck face with SOMEONE right now!! I have been married for 23 years. I stopped working when we got married and stayed home for 14 years. During this time, I was dissatisfied with the frequency of sex, but when it happened it was good. I had always been sexually expressive and adventurous, but suppressed the feelings of dissatisfaction because he really was extremely busy and tired from working and I was not tired at all at the end of the day. When I started back to work, I threw myself into the job and became a work-a-holic as well and I was too busy to notice that there was no emotional intamacy in our marriage...and less sex.
While we raised our children, they were our focus and I used them for my emotional needs. During the last 5 years or so, we have had sex about once every 6 months when I would have an "I need more" discussion with him. At this point, we have not had sex in a year and a half. We talk about how dysfuncional this is and that we are going to change things but nothing ever happens. We talk about how it would be wierd to jump into it right now when we are so unfamiliar with each other and we need to reconnect before actually having sex. We make a little progress in improving our emotional connection only to back slide and never make it to the "I'm comfortable enough with where we are to have sex" point.
Our youngest just graduated from high school and we are now empty nesters. I had hoped that the swinging from the chandelier sex would got it...hasn't happened. He has absolutely no libido! He has had some issues with ED but if he wanted to have sex, with modern day meds, we would be having sex!! Growing up in the 70's/80's we always heard that if he is not getting it at home...he is getting is somewhere!! This causes sexless females great concern. I really don't think that he is unfaithful, he doesn't have time (or energy). I have done some checking and have not been able to find anything. I have gained weight over the past 9 years due to stress at work, but loose weight - gain weight, he is still not interested. I have expressed the desire to experiment with ideas that other men would go crazy for and still I get nothing.
We have never said the word divorce. He is clueless about how desparate I am. Since our kids have moved out, I started thinking about moving upstairs. The thoughts started creeping in as a first step to see if I can be on my own emotionally. OR, as a wake up call to him. I did turn our son's room into a dressing closet for myself and he said several times, "You are just moving your clothes, right?". I think he thinks as long as we are SLEEPING in the same bed that we are okay!!
My husband is in the textile industry and had to downsize his business about 5 years ago. This has greatly affected his self-esteem. Also, he now really resents me for overspending and "overdoing" when we had plenty of money and no idea that times were about to change. He has mentioned this as something he has to overcome to help our relationship.
I started getting hormone pellet incertions for low homone levels 2 years ago. Many women say that this has changed their lives and/or saved their marriage (some of you men that are LIASM might suggest these to your women). For me, it has made my life miserable because I want and think about sex all the time and my husband is still just busy working and taking care of EVERYTHING but his woman!! I have to take care of things myself which only adds to the emotional lonliness and dispair.
Right now I just don't know how long I can keep going. I don't want a divorce! I love my husband and can't imagine not growing old together, but my heart hurts so badly that I don't know if we can turn it around. I am 48 years old and even though I do not have to depend on him financially, I am afraid to be alone. It would break my children's hearts too. The biggest fear is that if I leave him, he will be in a relationship right away and will be treating another woman like he used to treat me!! We have an abundance of local divorcee's who hover over marriages in trouble. We were such a good fit that I can't imagine finding that again!
That is my story...
Suzanne2011 Suzanne2011 46-50, F 19 Responses Sep 19, 2011

Your Response


Reply by emigisha Dec 21st, 2011 at 8:46PM

I feel sorry,, and I kow what you are going through,, I have been married for 6yrs with my husband and we have a daughter now 4yrs 10months but since 2008 June,, we haven't had sex with my husband,, first he said he was tired after days work,, when I was pregnant with our girl,, he never touched me,,, I tried many times to massage his feet and he pushed me away. In our 6yrs married we kissed 1 time and after that he rushed to the bathroom to gugle with listerine,, I though and believed I had a bad breadth,, so I stopped trying for a kiss... in 6yrs we had sex less than 15 times,,.. I'm over it now trying it with him,, but I have decided to pleasure myself and when he finds out he is so rude for weeks,, ask me how,, he is always sniffing my bedroom,, we sleep in separate rooms. What do you think of a person like that??? Now I have decided to stop tormenting my soul, feelings, and my body,, I have spoted a potential younger man who is interested in me for quickies,, I will go ahead and cheat on him... so that I can feel what a kiss tastes again and how it really feels..... There is nothing hurting feelings like when you want intimacy and you get zero........... it hurts,,,, real. real bad, however much you try not to cheat,, he/she maybe getting it somewhere,,, so.....why not get pleasure elsewhere for sanity of your mind... Trust me...... only be careful and use a condom....... don't catch VD

You say you are 48 years old now. How old will you be in a year if you change your situation? 49! How old will you be in a year if you don't? 49! I am NOT convinced that there can be a complete relationship without physical intimacy. It's been 31 years for me, and it has taken that long to realize that I live in an incomplete situation. So.... make it complete.... make it work....or make for the hills!

I just want to make out with someone too! I want someone to ravish me. I want to feel "alive" again sexually. I know it can happen, but it our mutual circumstance, it does no good to think about it too much unless you're willing to go outside the marriage.

I think about that all the time.

But as brave as I am in some ways, I'm a chicken there. It's the one place where my confidence has been compromised most.

I hate this. One day, a decision will have to be made and as others have said, it's all hard.

I wish you peace and clarity on your journey.

I have been missing the physical side of a relationship for way toooooo long. Just reading about it only goes so far.......

Well, I think life is too short to live like you are living. If I were you I would lay it on the line with him...tell him how unhappy you are living like this and then tell him that if he doesn't start trying that you will get it somewhere else and then I would go and do exactly that! I know what it is like to live in an emotionless (limited sex in my case) marriage and it sucks! It's your life and you need to seek happiness for yourself!

It seems like you are more worried about intangibles than the real things. What might happen if. Why worry about his future sex life you need to be concerned about your own. Your kids are grown and they've seen enough of the world to know this stuff happens all the time and you can bet they won't be shocked because they know that the two of you haven't been hitting it off for a long time. Kids pick that up in a heartbeat and they are more than likely wondering why you are still hanging on. We all have all kinds of excuses some are more valid than others but they are still excuses for not taking any action. Step one move upstairs and reclaim yourself. If that worries him let him DO something about it. Because as long as nobody is doing anything nothing will change. If you are wise you should have a contingency plan for exiting because sadly the odds of turning this situation around are nearly zero. It's his problem to fix and unless he makes on heck of an effort then nothing is going to change and the chances of that happening are pretty slim. But the only things that you can control are you. You can work on yourself to regain your self confidence, make new friends and get to feeling better about yourself those are all things worth doing. But as a very wise movie guy once said Do OR Do Not There Is No Try. Wish you luck.

-----" I had hoped that the swinging from the chandelier sex would commence"

I often wonder what leads people to this magical thinking where all of a sudden, after years of no connection, that robust sexual expression is going to get turned back on because some event happens - like a kid graduating from high school or whatever.

We are ALL guilty of this one.

Now, snap to reality. This is a good opportunity to puncture that self delusion balloon and get real here.

It's going to be painful. It won't be pretty, but if you want to get closer t oyour authentic self - I recommend you keep reading the stories on here.

-----" I don't want a divorce!"

Most people don't want to take that path. But it happens. Pick your pain from an array of painful choices.

-----" I am afraid to be alone."

Start building an external support network.

-----" It would break my children's hearts too."

Can't comment I am not a parent, but I am certain other's will chime in here on that one.

-----" The biggest fear is that if I leave him, he will be in a relationship right away and will be treating another woman like he used to treat me!!"

Is this for real? That this is YOUR biggest fear? Some other woman? "Head scratch" on that one. You can count on him getting into another relationship right away - the odds are that he will. But that is not your concern post divorce anyway.

You can't save the world, but you have the education and smarts to look at all your options with a critical eye and start working the issue to improve the overall quality of your life.

With or without said husband.

These are such tough situations for all of us. I really hear what you are saying about getting a divorce and how that affects your whole family and rest of your life, but also hard to balance with what looks to be - living like this the rest of your life - and you are young. I liked some of the above advice - I would say go over right now and book a session with a therapist - then go there and tell your husband that you need a basic minimum level of intimacy.... and demand it.

If that does not change things, you'll have a decision to make.

As many here say welcome to the group that nobody wants to be a part of. I recently came out of a sexless ,marriage myself. Had more sex i the first two weeks than last 5 years of marriage. Is that sad or what?. BUT while the release was great I still miss the passion of being with somebody on a deeper level. That will come in time though. In whatever path you choose I wish you the best.

"He is clueless about how desparate I am."

You mentioned going to therapy- please make sure he knows your feelings, completely and totally. It may be enough to at least make him think about it.

Seems like you two have been quite kind and nice to each other overall through this period. I am in the "give up hope but find yourself again outside intimacy while staying in marriage formally" camp, at the moment. Heaven forbid, you or I can get hit by a truck and lose a leg today. Short of suicide, we will have to bear the loss the rest of our lives, right? "Midlife is when life stops giving you things and starts taking them away", was a beautiful line in an otherwise insipid Indiana Jones movie. It can't be harder to accept that your or my sex life is over compared to accepting a lost leg. This group is vehemently against this pattern of thought. While I fully respect that, I thought I might as well put up a fair representation. Hugs and best wishes.

I could do with a bit of intimacy, too. The passion in my marriage is missing & although a bit of sex would be great once in a while I miss all the bits which go with it - kissing, snuggling & fondling etc.

I'm just completely dependent on wife, as I am stay at home Dad. & have been for years now. Have thought about divorce on occasion & playing away, too, but that sort of thing never worked for anyone, did it?

Um, yes, it does. you have any friends you can ask? a pastor? dragging your feet is natural - we know the situation we are in and going to someone will require energy and willingness to change.

and i know that a peck that i initiate every few days isnt the same at all as that long passionate kiss.

our sex has gotten better recently tho she refuses to kiss. i miss the fun of kissing but she just doesnt like it.

would love for someone to kiss. tho not at the expenxe of marriage. we had a rough bit but we went to counselling (she didnt really want to) and things got better all around.

Love kissing but we don't kiss. Maybe a peck every few days. Husband agreed to go to counseling but not sure of who to make an appointment with locally. Dragging my feet.

It IS very scary.

And "leaving is NOT a decision to make quickly or without much consideration" (and it is NOT something to do just because some dude on the internet put it forward as a possible choice either).

This is YOUR life we are talking about here, and YOU will no doubt be doing all you can to educate yourself, gather facts, and then make YOUR choice of the available options. At your own pace.

And ALL the options involve pain, and plenty of it.

Don't feel under any obligation to rush off and do something here and now. Just know that you ARE going to have to make a choice (in fact you already have - in staying to this point), and you owe it to yourself to make that choice as informed a choice as you can.

Tread your own path.

Thank you for your comments. Bottom line...this is scarry! The people who say that it will never work...get out, have forgotten the feelings you have when you first realize that the little life plan that you have had for half a decade might not pan out. Leaving is not a decision to make quickly or without much consideration. Staying for the kids may not be the best relationship decision, but marriage decisions do involve all members of the family and should again be taken seriously. My values force me to be hesitant to leave.

As for the connecting before sex...that was my idea, not interested in a pity ****! Had that dose already and it makes me cry afterward.

If we advice leaving, it's because we've been down your path. And no.NONE of us came to that easily. We all entered marriages imagining a happily ever after. We all fought tooth and nail for it. Even after leaving, we have pangs. It's NOT easy.
Do not assume we throw it out there lightly!
However, we throw it out because most times, it's the only solution.
And we'd love to spare at least one other person the pain we endured.

In my reading here I have come to accept that we are "past 18 months w/out" and that few if any come back...I also realized that I knew the answer before I came here.

That is there are only two real choices - stay or go. Staying is less filled with fear, and virtually has a guarantee that this unloved, bad feeling will stay or get worse. Going is filled with fear, but offers a hope that someone else may fill the rest of my life with love.

Oh my god....I can so sympathize with you. I can understand what you're going through...I can understand your husband's side too but I soooo connect with what you say.

It sounds like you've been there by his side through business challenges and performance challenges alike.

I have had challenges in business and have struggled with performance problems with little or NO support and I would have killed for someone like you by my side.....

I tried all kinds of things to "fix" what was wrong with us but she was never there with me...always waiting to hear what "I" have done but never taking an active part......a partner's finding solutions.

Now that I am "working" just fine she is not at all interested in intimacy unless of course she has had a few drinks and now finds herself in "the mood".

How is it that a spouse should have to be drunk to be in the mood for intimacy?

I'll say this....your husband has NO IDEA how fortunate he is to have someone who will exhaust every option to salvage the intimacy once him if you have to by sharing your fantasies about him....or SHOW him by letting him find you in the heat of the moment when you just have to pleasure yourself....

Worst case...never think for a moment about the relationship you THINK he will fall into once you move on......your own experience shows that will not happen...whereas an open, hones woman like yourself should have NO TROUBLE finding someone to fulfill all your unmet needs.

Stay strong!

In this dysfunctional environment, there is only one thing you can control.


HE is responsible for HIM and whatever "why" exists that makes him intimacy averse. It is HIS job to hold himself accountable and do the work to source what his "why" is, to then seek treatment for it, to then enthusiastically embrace said treatment. HIS job. Not yours. (I'm sure that if you 'could' do his work for him, you would. But the fact is that you cannot).

There is no hint in your story that he is holding himself accountable, so it would only be being realistic to assume that this will get no better as long as his attitude remains. And thus far, he chooses "inaction".

Do you know how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction ?? If you don't, it would be worth your while finding out, just to put together a theoretical exit strategy. With that safety net beneath you, you have all contingencies covered, and can start hunting this forward.

The ultimatum method might be one such ploy (as long as your exit strategy is in do-able state so you are not bluffing).

And, if worst comes to worst, enacting your exit strategy.

Your fears about these hordes of divorcee's lurking may have a basis in fact - or not - but such a scenario is another one of those things over which you have no control.

Welcome to ILIASM. A world where the choices are very limited - and all awful.

But, you don't get a pass on the life law of choice.

No-one does.

Tread your own path.

I am living the same life .My wife takes care of everything but me .I have the same feeling that she might be getting it somewhere else but I can"t see her doing that.I work away from home for weeks at a time and she has the oppurtunity to do whatever she wants .Her attitude towards sex is so lame that I know she is not sleeping around I have to beg plead and give her money to have sex with me .How sick is that.we sleep in seperate rooms and have for years now,never smooch or make out ,when we do have sex it is the same bed ,same position and she says hurry up get it in and get it off and get gone ,leave me alone .