I Do Have Kids

My kids make it all worth while. They really do.

I always knew that but only now does the cognitive dissonance become obvious: we generally tell newbies to avoid having kids before sorting out the sexlessness.

However, the truth is that I can not honestly say for myself that is or would have been good advice. Maybe I am thinking too much lately but this is going to trouble me some.
ZigMcZag ZigMcZag 70+, T 14 Responses Sep 21, 2011

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Its such a cruel trick of fate that, for most of us, the sexless did not arise until after the kids arrived. The marriage from out of which the offspring sprang is not the same marriage that drove us all here.

Thanks for this Ron, and I think it's the #1 motivating factor of people sticking with the blinking terrible situations they face. Kids are resilient and very perceptive though, and they also know when someone's gunning for them, as you are.

I think the comments about "don't have kids" are more about avoidable disaster rather than saying you should never have them. Just choose the partner you can both flourish with because that will be great for the kids as well. If you start out with dysfunction, it's hard to protect the kids from the fallout.

PS, I've always had the belief that the kids aren't "mine", they're a fantastic priviledge to be with, yet they are their own people.

There is no right or wrong for the most part. We never really know which road is best for us or our kids. I doubt there is a soul here that would not their children to be in a happy healthy marriage with both parents. Sadly, many here do not get to vote on that, so we make the best with what we have. I have no doubt you are doing just that. Good luck bro.

Ron, at a loss for words? Used to you doling it out, not looking for it.

Well, kids complicate the ILIASM story to no end. Often it's a subconscious bait'n'switch, after kids the sex just dies, while it was healthy before, especially with a female refuser whose otherwise a great mother and caring person. That's how it is in my case, although she blames it on other things.

The kids are great and we often put up with a lot for them. But it's hard to stew in your hormones forever.

You are comparing apples to oranges, my friend. We tell people who do not already have children, not to bring them into already identified dysfuntional marriages that may collapse. I stand by that. I don't think a single one of us that has children is sorry we had them, even if we wished we'd have given them better genetic stock.

It is still wrong to create children when you already have a mess. It's better to deal with the mess first.

Princess YourThinkingIsConfused

You are unsettled that you cherish your kidlets while telling others to avoid having them? I don't really see why that is so conflicting for you. You wouldn't go to your wife and have 8 more kids with her just because you would love them, too. We are not telling people to not ever have kids, just to not tie themselves into a situation that sucks.

Well you're not going to give them back are you?

However having children inside a ****** up sexual relationship is insane! What should we say well hon try and get pregnant so that you can be trapped inside this mess for the next 20 years - I dont think so!

If you have the choice and the knowledge then you should find as much happiness for yourself as possible inside your relationship before you add children to the mix.

The not having kids line is good advice.

And you need to stop thinking so much about it. You have them and that is fabulous but again it is not a road to go down inside fuckedupedness.

Your profile says you're 70+. The kids must be grown up, unless you are in a May-December situation.

Mine are younger teens, which means they pick up on everything, even what you'd rather they didn't notice, and they feel extremely free to comment on all of it.

I absolutely agree with you. And I don't do that too often, which speaks to the truth of what you wrote.

I can certainly see your point. One of the reasons I am staying in my marriage is because I have a kid. Note that I am not staying "for the kid". I am staying because I am happy. Frankly, I have not had a bad day since my daughter was born. A friend of mine here on EP is stuck in a marriage that is very similar to mine with no kids and no prospect of one and it is soooo painful to read her stories. I know that w/o my kid I would be climbing walls from unhappiness. Whether it is healthy to have my happiness depend so much on my kid is beyond the scope of this post. What does hold true is that I do give "don't have kids" advice here often. You do bring up a good point.

I guess what we should say is, "if you want your sex life back ASAP, don’t have kids and move on."

Parenting is a hard game. So very very worthwhile, but hard.

And when **** hits the fan, as it does, you get to see how good a job you did.

You might have some extreme views on some subjects mate, but I don't think your input and committment to being a responsible loving parent could ever be questioned.

I'd be staggered that if, when this has all shaken out, you don't find you have done an excellent job of parenting thus far.

Tread your own path.

Hindsight is amazing. If only I could go back and correct the decisions I made. It's like torture.

Kids are great, until your spouse turns them against you.

Don't worry about "what I would have missed if I didn't have kids". If you didn't have them, you wouldn't have known and there would have been no memory of someone to miss. The fact is that you did have them. I'm agnostic; I don't know if god exist (I hope I don't offend you or anyone else for that matter). What I do know is things happen and things don't; whether it be by god's hand, fate, or anything else things happen. Your kids are here because they were suppose to be here.

To put it another way, if you give someone advice to not have kids before solving a serious marriage problem, that is sound advice. If you told them the same thing after they already got pregnant, that's not sound advice. That's called hindsight.

It's not your place to know what's best for you. Leave that to us. You know the drill...