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What Do I Do ???

My husband and I have been with one another for 5 years out of them 5 this coming Sept 28Th will be 4 years of being married and NO SEX !!!! Where do I start with my story, well he is from Europe and I am from the great USA, he is very loving and caring person and I think I still love him I have tried just about everything to get him to make love to me ...and nothing...we have never consummated our marriage..yes you have read it correctly NEVER !!!! I have offered him oral but he want it to be a one way thing ...he want something but give nothing in return , I have cried myself to sleep over this so many times, I have asked him for a divorce several times but he won't consider that ......The most hurtful thing through all of this is each time the subject come up about sex it me who initiate it, and he always say why should he be the first one to make the move I should try  and seduce  him HELLO..I lay beside him every night naked , After one of our many talks and promises from  him that he will try I found out that he would rather ********** then to have sex with me...oh that hurt so badly after that day I never looked at him with love in  my eyes he also told me that because he lived alone he was use to touching himself , but yet he told me during the process of us getting to know one another that he had made love to a woman before ...but then he tells me he LIED !!!!! I am truly at my wit ends with this relationship, I cannot got to my family and  friends and say hey my husband won't  have sex with me ..it is just too embarrassing !!!! I need help with this matter because right now I am considering a divorce in the very near future ...please any advice will do ...Thanks  

AlisaJ928 AlisaJ928 41-45 12 Responses Sep 23, 2011

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Alisa:<br />
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I would only add one final comment:<br />
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If the marriage is never consummated then a probable annulment can happen.<br />
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However, if you insist on consummating even one time - then you might not qualify for annulment - you would have to go the divorce route. A divorce might mean he is entitled to some divisible marital assets, an annulment might not allow him any rights to your assets.<br />
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Disclaimer: The legalities depend on jurisdiction, of course. If you are even thinking about getting out I recommend you find out how the law applies in your area with respect to this issue BEFORE you do any "consummating" or go any further with this marriage.<br />
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So be careful here for what you really want.<br />
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He might "do you" one time, and one time only, to lock this in legally.<br />
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Then leave it at that and never touch you again.

Hello everyone, Yes I have been reading all of your responses and they have truly been very helpful to me in making my decision, Our 4th anniversary is this coming Wed, I will be letting my husband know that either something happen or it is over this is his last chance, I realize that from all the responses this is something that I have to do for my piece of mind .. I will keep you all posted as to what happened ..and once again thank you all so very much for the wonderful advice .

Well, Alisa, I hope you do come back and read the answers posted here. You asked a question, and many people took time to reply to you. But I see that you have not been on EP since you posted your story.<br />
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I don't think anyone (certainly not me) expects you to do as we say or to answer each post . . . but it would be nice to know that you actually came back and read them.

If you have never consummated the marriage then you could probably get it annulled. You are a very strong woman to stay in a marriage for so long without sex whatsoever. If it has been 5 years with no sex, In my opinion I dont think it will change now. <br />
I mean Marie Antoinette's husband did the same thing, but it was because he was a virgin and didnt know what to do. Once he was couched which was years later, well it happened.

Please be careful when you do exit....i have a friend who's husband was using her to get citizanship and when she left him he threatened her. You never said if he was trying to get citizanship....is he? I hope that for your sake that you can get the courage to leave b/c it sucks living like this and I really feel for everyone on this experience, I've been there...I got out, LOL not having sex yet, but its nice to know that when I do find someone, he better keep up with me, I have alot of wasted time to make up for!!!

Does he need you to be able to stay in the country ? Could be one reason why he doesn't want a divorce . I hope you find the courage to face your fears and do what you feel is right in your situation . I am here to talk if you need it !

That was what I was thinking when i read he's from out of the country....so many men use women for that reason.

Agree with the comments above. You need to leave him. My thought when reading your story is that he is gay, and may not want to admit it - to himself or to you. <br />
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Reread your story to yourself. What would you tell someone who had written it? What would you tell your sister or girlfriend to do if she had written that story? It is not a marriage. <br />
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You don't have to tell anyone, and that is why we are all on this board - it is difficult to talk to anyone about this, but we have found each other. We are like souls in the same situation, and the best ones to give each other advice, too, because we understand what this can do to someone.<br />
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Good luck!

You are an adult. You are facing a very difficult decision but you CAN do it. It is embarrassing, but your family and friends need not know the exact truth. All you need say is that you are not compatible. It is not anyone's business but your own why you leave your husband.<br />
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Your husband cannot refuse to let you get a divorce!! This is not something he can control. He is a damaged person who seeks to hide his damage from the world by appearing outwardly "normal". He needs you to do this for him, by appearing to be his "wife".<br />
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But you are not his wife - and never will be. He married you for HIS reasons, not because he loved you. Even now, knowing how desperately unhappy you are, he tries to keep you trapped to serve HIS purposes. He is seriously selfish and VERY controlling.<br />
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Get advice from a lawyer. See a therapist. And LEAVE him ASAP!!!!!!

Get a divorce then give me a call :)<br /><br />
you have missed out but its never too late x

Go and troll for sex elsewhere please. Your type is not welcome here.

Why do you stay with him? <br />
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Just go to the search engine on EP and look-up "exit plan". There is a good post about it right now by enna and if you search you can find a lot more advice.

You do not need any advice Alisa. You have figured this out yourself in this bit of your story - "right now I am considering a divorce in the very near future"<br />
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All you need do is turn 'considering' into 'filing for' and turn 'in the very near future' to 'on Monday'.<br />
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Without consumation, I cannot think of any jurisdiction where you would actually be regarded as married. <br />
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You have your get out of jail ticket in your hand.<br />
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Use it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I recommend you seek legal counsel. Tell the counsel exactly what you told us.<br />
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If you have never sexually consummated the marriage, it might legally qualify for annulment.<br />
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There is no fix for your situation.