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Chew On This

I read a very powerful quote today. It speaks directly to our situation. 

The Art of Loving by Fromm

"love is an action, the practice of human power, which can be practiced only in freedom and never as a result of a compulsion". 

Every part of that line has specific meaning and if we can only accept it, our exits would be faster and easier. 
eternalhope eternalhope 36-40, F 10 Responses Sep 30, 2011

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It's a great quote EH! Rated Up. Thanks for posting this.

Love as expressed by poets and philosophers for centuries has been an ongoing canard and consequently has led many of the unexpecting down the dismal road of an expectation never to be fulfilled. If this sounds cynical , and I must admit , even as I write this seems as so, I will say that after three years here and countless stories I find love as fleeting to the human equation as ever with little hope in sight. <br />
.I certainly have no profound answers to the questions that are daily presented here but I know without reservation that pure emotion and unrequited love without logic and self esteem is incapable of a possible cure. There is nor lofty words from a philosopher or poet that can correct what problems that exist as the result of the a death an infantile expectation..

Erich Fromm was a social psychologist and psychoanalyst. This is from his theory of human nature.
I don't lay much weight on poets and philosophers but this resonated with me.

Love is action --it is an action to care for the other person--it is terrible to be giving and giving without any reciprocation. Doing nothing is not the action of love--I think people who are into doing nothing are not lovers. If you love someone, you want to show it somehow. It is time to make exit plans rather than live with a corpse.

You're right on that, FS. When we love, there's a compulsion to do our best to make them happy. Their happiness feeds our love and happiness.
At least, it does for us. It's sad that we're with people who don't feel the same.

@Cumbersome Totally agree.

"which can only be practiced in freedom" None of us in sexless marriages have any freedom. When we are refused or denied on a daily basis life is no fun at all for us. So no one can tell us the choices we make are wrong. Most people who tell us we should not leave our sexless marriage have never been there themselves.<br />
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I have been afraid to leave my sexless marriage because I was afraid of being alone. I have now realize I have pretty much been alone the entire 36 years we have been together and now it is time for me to go out and experience all the things that have been lacking in my marriage. None of us are wrong in our decisions because we are all different. The world just needs to understand us.

@teri, who cares if anyone understands us? They have not lived our pain. What matters is the peace you get. That's all. Focus only on that.
You're right. For some reason, we think that the physical presence of a spouse means that we're not alone. I was more alone while I was in the marriage than I am now.

EH-<br />
Yes love is an action - it is not just words. Sadly, refusers can't/won'/t /don't see their inability to act as being detrimental to the relationship. <br />
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I knew before we were married that my H was not one to act. I forged ahead anyway. I didn't know what it meant. I was young and inexperienced in many ways. Now, unwinding all of the emotional and psychological underpinnings of a SM is truly heroic. <br />
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It's just damn hard (no pun intended).<br />
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I always find it curious when folks log on this site and want to criticize those who've made the decision to leave a SM marriage. They have NO idea the amount of effort and tears and study and pain one has endured to reach that final decision.<br />
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You all are some of the smartest, most thoughtful, most caring people I've had the privilege of meeting. Someday, I know we will all find our way to the kind of love we need. It's just a crummy path to get there.

It was a pretty crummy path getting here. The one ahead, to get out of it, is worth the crumminess.
Yes. For people to come here and trivialise the mental, emotional torment we've gone through is just small-minded.
You'll get there, MTT. Stay strong.

Many of us have the love of our children which seems to outweigh the lack of love from our spouses. I know it is easy to say you are not divorcing the kids but the reality is most men do not get the kids on a daily basis and so you do lose something with the kids. I was all set to file for the divorce but just could not pull the trigger yet. It is definately a choice to love which you can not make for your spouce. The issue I struggle with is that I am so invloved in my kids lifes it may not be worth the sacrifise of that for the chance that I might find love somewhere. Still messed up in CT.

In this case Tom, you're prioritising the love you have for your kids. So many of us do and are doing this. Nothing wrong in that choice. Life is full of compromises and making the choices we can live with.

I think we all know the answers to our own woes in that statement. Simplicity is so overlooked.

The problem is also, now that the truth is in front of us, are we ready to do anything about it?

It's amazing how much we delude ourselves. In the face of complete non-action, we still claim that our spouses 'love' us! <br />
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Viva AC. They DON'T love us!

Not only do we claim that they still love us but in the face of so much rejection we cling to the belief that we still love them just to support our inertia!

... or as a result of inertia.<br />
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Great quote, much to think about.