The Pillow, Part Duh! - Updated 1 year on

So, its been quite a few weeks now since I placed the pillow between us in bed, just read my pillow story to get episode one.
She is now shoving and moving the pillow around between us, and kind of trying to make it hers, put it under her power in a warped way.
It's all to do with control for her. She used to put her pillow between us as a barrier, a physical refusal of me, now that I use my pillow to reclaim my dignity she needs to put it where she wants as a kind of transferred ownership thing. It's all very odd!
The oddest thing though, is she has not mentioned one word to me!
Its a crazy world we live in here...

Roll on exit plan...

Just noticed it is just over one year since I wrote this story.
She now sleeps downstairs until circa 5-6am - that's fine by me, we both know it's broken.
She seems to need to be seen by the children to get out of 'our' bed, as if they don't know it's broken. Saying that she is thorough in her pretence.
The last year has seen me 100% not pander to her lies, verbally or by what I physically do.
The pillow remains, as a reminder to her when she creeps to bed in the early hours that I still own 'MY' choice. One may think she now has what she wants with 100% disengagement, but the reality is disengagement is not selective at this level. I am not affectionate and attentive at times and not others now I have stopped playing the BS games. She sees I have signed out and has lost control of my emotional strings.

To me the pillow is now a reminder to her each time that she comes to bed to live the lie. (I have a new bigger pillow too)

She did ask last year why it is there. I said "It is a barrier between us as I do not wish to share a bed with a person who does not want to share a bed with me". She said she does, I said your actions say you do not. I did not say "You should...  I want you to..." etc.
The choice is hers. She owns her choice, and the consequences of her choice.
Before I would have wanted her to change, now I do not, and she knows this.

Her choice is to sleep downstairs. That is HER choice, as is the consequence.
Endthegame Endthegame
41-45, M
23 Responses Oct 3, 2011

Wow. This is really interesting. My spouse used to do all of these things – the sleep-on-the-very-edge-of-the-bed-threatening-to-fall-out; the pillow berm; the mummy wrap in blankets because “he’s cold” while he’s sweating buckets… Waking up in nasty wet sheets every morning without having had any fun producing them is one reason I’ve been sleeping on a broken couch in our basement for the last couple of years.

I’ve been going through a lot of transformation recently, as anyone who’s read my recent stories will know. As a result of which I’ve been busily accepting my full share of the blame for the sexlessness of our marriage lo these many years. But it occurs to me, reading these comments, that I never did anything like this to him. I was always the one reaching out, and he was always the one pushing me away; he’s the one who’s always said “I love you” with words but not with actions.

Until I eventually gave up, I was always the one begging for us to find a solution. I initiated all the “talks” (and did all the talking during them, while he just sat there in angry, stony silence). I was the one lobbying for marriage counseling, and the one who actually went to counseling on my own when he refused to join me. During our entire marriage, the extent of his willingness and contribution to solving a problem that has made his life partner – the one he “loves” so dearly – so miserable that I’ve contemplated suicide on many occasions has been exactly: Nothing.

I used to think of us as sort of “co-refusers”. He withdrew emotionally, as a consequence of which I withdrew sexually; then since he never came looking for me, I eventually withdrew emotionally, as well. Which suited him fine, because he was much more comfortable without any sort of intimacy, anyway – and he preferred his own company sexually. But I’ve sure as hell been lonely.

There came a point where, although I still wanted sex desperately – I just couldn’t stand the thought of it being with him. He was just so completely absent – and absolutely indifferent to any needs of mine – that it was actually less painful to go without. We’ve been living in a cold, sterile, obviously sexless marriage ever since.

But now I wonder about my part in this. We had it out again recently (we’ve had it out many times this year), and he started doing his usual martyr-ish routine about how I “act as if it’s all his fault”. And for the first time, I let myself feel my own anger and stopped trying to spare his feelings. I told him flat out that, yes. Yes! This IS all his fault! Because I’ve been practically standing on my head to try to “fix” us for years, and he’s done absolutely nothing. Nothing! Apparently, he can’t understand that it’s been hard for me to talk about these things, too – but at least I’ve tried.

I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter who refuses who or why, it’s more about who’s willing to work on fixing it and who isn’t. And that’s always been very clear here.

Correct. In my opinion.
One can only reach out so many times, ask so many times, argue so many times etc. At some point the connection withers and we give up on the fight.
It took me a while to allow her to own her own ****.
Seems you have to.
I also did the couples therapy alone thing as she refused to come. Strange how we are so alike on this forum.
Although, it has made me a far better person. The irony.
Thanks for posting. Good luck to you.

yes, after 2 years of trying to get my refuser, to get it . i gave up..........

gypsy>> when my refuser did have sex with me, it was like being with someone who had no idea, how to have sex ! felt like I needed to give him a map,................... ok this is where the vagina is, now don't be rough as you ..... now kiss ..... he wasn't like that before we hooked up, but for some reason after moving in with each other occurred. his ability to have sex diminished.

Did you write this story for me?

It's amazing to me that
1. We talk about 'the pillow' and know what we are talking about.
2. That 'the pillow' matters to us, after all we are adults.
3. That we are on this forum in the first place.
I am glad there are people who know about 'the pillow'.

anit it crazy how they can walk around never saying a damn thing about how crazy it all is... never commenting on thier own behaviors? like we are suppose to be able to read thier minds...... or never ask..... dont ask dont tell policy daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

I have four pillows that I sleep with in our king size bed for comfort and one of the them is a full size body pillow that goes right down the middle of the bed dividing my husband and I from each other, not that he would even notice or care, as he started sleeping on his side of the bed over a year ago and stop cuddling with me about the same time --and as far as sex goes its has only happened three times this year (his call) so I just dont care any more...... I finally got tired of begging and now I got my body pillow to snuggle with. (we have been together for 30 years).

Sorry Soulseeker.

I sleep with 1 pillow for my head 1 pillow for my back and a body pillow in front of me. When I sleep I lean towards my body pillow. My pillow in the back holds me up pushes me towards my body pillow. It helps me sleep all night with no back pains. Not putting a boarder from my man. Talk to your love one to see if it's you or maybe it's really just comfort.

thankyou, but things are so broken here. Its a long long story.

<p>&nbsp;<p>ya know speaking of the refuser using tactics to avoid sex at bed time... wrapping up with blankets looking like a mummy, using a pillow to help shield themselves from being touched. <br />
<br />
reminds me of ..... how my refuser will walk on the other side of the hall to keep from touching me, or how he has finagled the furniture <br />
<br />
( his lounge chair and coffee table) in the den into the far that he has a long sighted view of the no one can sit near him, seems he wants to be able to see who is coining going.... <br />
<br />
or how I try to sit on his lap to be playful... he doesnt like it he pushes me away... <br />
<br />
seems they have a high aversion to being touched in any way</p><p></p>

every once in a while there is a pillow that some how got into a odd place between us .. but after a while ill fluff up the pillows, re place them..... and that takes care of the pillow fence ...<br />
<br />
now if i could just come up with an idea on how to un wrap his *** from all those blankets he mummyfieds him self into at bed time.... lol

My wife used to do the mummy blanket thing too! Well she still does, just on the sofa downstairs while I sleep alone, a lot better.

<p>ENDTHE GAME SAID...>The oddest thing though, is she has not mentioned one word to me! <br />
<br />
GYPSY SAID...>its amazing how refuser can walK around looking like nothing is wrong... how they can ignore the obvious..... and never once say anything about it ... act like business as usual.... <br />
<br />
my refuser got a call today, found out his brother-in-law has lung cancer, all he had to say about it was" OH Well "! as he walked off and went to the kitchen to get a bite to eat.... <br />
<br />
when my brother past 18 month a ago, there I was, sitting there stuned, just got off phone from finding out my brother had past on<br />
<br />
( he was young, only 51) my refuser sat there for a min, looked at me, got up and walk right past me with out one damn word ... not a> im sorry.. not even a.....OMG out of his mouth.... he offered no hugs, not even a pat on my shoulder to say, its ok .... he acted like I wasn't there.........<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
so when i found out his brother in law was sick i gave my refuser the same reaction he gave me when he found out my brother past NOTHING !</p>

Ah! I get that too! Its like something is just not on, the empathy button?

end, yes extreme lack of empathy! in my book.... how can one be part of the humane race and have no empathy.... boggles my mind!

my hubby likes to sleep on pillows he knows are mine. he knows i'm gonna take it when I go to bed. aiiii.

end said.......>The thing that gets me is she has not said a bloody word!<br />
<br />
gypsy said....> silence and lack of comucation is the refusers number one weapon !!!!

OMG. I'm so thankful to know I'm not the only person in the universe with a pillow dividing the bed. This is cracking me up!!!

Reach over the pillow to touch her as if by accident and then run with screams of horror to the shower. <br />
<br />
This all would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

I'm waiting for your "I'm gone." post, ETG. I will dance nekkid around the waterfall for you then. :)<br />
<br />
*Hugs*<br />
<br />
Princess FluffyDownPillowsForSharing

Will you film it for me please? And i hope you have flowers in your hair and bells around your toes...

She sleeps on her side... so far away from me she almost falls out!<br />
<br />
find someone else.... I like the sound of that neuilly!

end my refuser sleeps as far as he can on the edge of the bed.................we have one of those calif king size beds that takes up a large portion of the room , there is more then enough room for two people to streach out with out having to sleep on the edge........ but nope .my refuser wants to avoid me as he sleeps. it looks like he is going to fall off the bed.... i wish he would ! id give him some of his own treatment.......... egnore him !

how about just buying a pit bull ...and he can sleep between you and the wife,,that ought to keep her on her side of the bed.<br />
<br />
Or...find someone else's bed to sleep in..

THE PILLOW! I remember early on, in the middle of the night, I woke him up and told him he loved his pillow more than me. It was kind of a joke to him, a half asleep woman telling him he loved a pillow more than her. He still brings it up like a joke, and I smile like it's funny. The part that makes it not funny, is that I had just stroked his thigh, trying to work my hand onto something else ;) As soon as I brushed against it, he SLAPPED my hand away. There has always been something between us when we sleep. I thought it was a pillow up to that moment.

He still brings it up like a joke, and I smile like it's funny.

gypsy&gt;&gt;. ya know we become good actors pretending right along with them....

I have 2, one for my head and the big one for the barrier<br />
<br />
The thing that gets me is she has not said a bloody word!<br />
But then, she has not said a word when I sleep on the settee, nor the fact she comes to bed at 4am or so.<br />
<br />
I mean.... WTF?

I thought I'd hear something when I moved out of the room. Like you, all I got was silence on the subject.<br />
Re the pillow...get another one for yourself. She has her side of the fence and you have yours. <br />
Childish? Immensely.

Get TWO five-footers. Keep some candy between them.

I know....<br />
I'll leave...

ETG, ya gotta get one or two of those 5-foot-long "body pillows". Then you can construct a Great Wall between you. At least you won't have to sleep on the settee. <br />

That may even be a little crazier than mine!