You Can't Fake Everything
Some things can't be faked. True interest, true intimacy, true love. It seems that these things can't be faked over the long haul. Lately I've been struggling with something and I think the answer may be simple. I have wanted the distance between my spouse and I to be her fault. The symptom that I didn't want to accept was a nearly sexless marriage, so I researched, read here, wrote stories, and insisted that she change. I was certain she wouldn't over the long haul and I would have my out. Why was I looking for an out? I am not in love with her. I am really not sure if I ever really was. Now that she is finally working on things I feel my gut twisting, I should be thrilled, but it doesn't change the way I feel when I am around her....which is indifferent. I struggle with my own emotions, my logical side says things should be better, but my true feelings tell me that I want to move on. Why is it so hard to admit that we are not in love, why have I overlooked this for so long and why do many of our refusers also neglect to tell us this. The life I live makes perfect sense on paper, but its all fake. I am not my real self when I am with her so I am really not that happy. She is her true self with me and its not that she's a bad person, just not someone the "true" me would have put me with. That's the real problem, I think!