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You Can't Fake Everything

Some things can't be faked. True interest, true intimacy, true love. It seems that these things can't be faked over the long haul. Lately I've been struggling with something and I think the answer may be simple. I have wanted the distance between my spouse and I to be her fault. The symptom that I didn't want to accept was a nearly sexless marriage, so I researched, read here, wrote stories, and insisted that she change. I was certain she wouldn't over the long haul and I would have my out. Why was I looking for an out? I am not in love with her. I am really not sure if I ever really was. Now that she is finally working on things I feel my gut twisting, I should be thrilled, but it doesn't change the way I feel when I am around her....which is indifferent. I struggle with my own emotions, my logical side says things should be better, but my true feelings tell me that I want to move on. Why is it so hard to admit that we are not in love, why have I overlooked this for so long and why do many of our refusers also neglect to tell us this. The life I live makes perfect sense on paper, but its all fake. I am not my real self when I am with her so I am really not that happy. She is her true self with me and its not that she's a bad person, just not someone the "true" me would have put me with. That's the real problem, I think!
TTBM TTBM 31-35, M 12 Responses Oct 18, 2011

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Sounds like you have come to a point of understanding what it is you want and don't want. Sometimes relationships are just over and it is time to move apart and move on. Wish her well and hope she finds happiness as you would want for yourself. It is possible to be friends but not partners.

Yep, you can't fake a spark if it does not exist. You are indifferent and unhappy and I bet this is no news to your spouse. It's time for both of you to move on before you drag out this sharade any longer.

What an interesting dilemma. I have three questions: <br />
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Why did you marry her if you were never in love with her? <br />
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Was she in love with you at the start?

That's only two questions... Just sayin'.

You are not that old, so cut your losses and move on. Trust me it does not get better when you reach that point.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I came to EP to find help for my own sexless marriage, and wound up finding help for myself and getting a divorce. The period of indifference is the calm before the storm. I remember knowing once I said the words "I want a divorce" all hell would break loose (and it did), so I floated along for awhile, even though it was over in my heart and mind. There is something to be said for peace after so long without it.

I feel your pain.

Thanks for all the comments. Just to clarify when I went on the quest to fix my sexless marriage I didn't understand all of this, I didn't understand that i was looking for an out. All I knew was that I wasn't happy. This journey has led me to question everything, analyze the other parts of the relationship, think about what other things I would change if I could. I was surprised where that took me....I see so many other things now, like her control issues, her trust issues, her self centeredness and her lack of interest in my goals, dreams, etc unless of course those things will elevate her in some way. We just got back from a 7 day beach vacation, and yes there was sex, but I was indifferent the whole time. I didnt pass on the sex, but I can't say the spark ever really came back. We are interested in different thing. We werent a chatty relaxed couple, we were just two people in each others company.

We are walking behind or in front or beside you - all of us. You have well articulated our common journey. Eventually there comes a time for definitive action and I think you are there. You have lots of friends here who offer support. There's plenty of grace in the universe for all of us.

It sounds very over to me. You are experiencing what many here have also experienced. It's either too little too late or finally telling the truth. Either way, if you are not attracted to her, you need to let her go. If you ever loved her, you will tell her the truth and be ready to move forward into your own life without her. <br />
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It would be humiliating for her to keep working thinking you're going to be there when you feel the way you feel. This is not about guilt - it is about compassion. You both need something different, and that's ok. Fear can cause us to behave in ways that are not truly our authentic selves. Fear has kept you bound and working and fear may be prompting her behavioral change right now.<br />
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But bottom line, if you don't love her, you need to man up and let her go.<br />
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I wish you the courage and compassion to move forward - I know it will be difficult.

It is possible that you are going through what a lot here have. Was she the refuser? Did this last a long time if she was? If so welcome to the world of the refused. Over time you really start resenting your wife/husband. The love you had for them fades. <br />
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Usually the refuser will pick up on this & try to make a sudden turn around. They TEMPORARILY become a sexual beast. But usually by that time the refused has lost all interest. Also this is a short term turn around. As soon as they are comfortable that they "have you again", they just go back to what makes them comfortable. Which of course is no sex.<br />
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The wife & I recently called it quits. I have to tell you though if she were to ***** down & say take me now, I would either be repulsed or laugh hysterically. Sad but true. Now I don't live in your home & have no idea who was the refuser. Just saying if it was her your feelings are pretty much par for the course.

i think b4 you throw the towel in, really ask yourself some hard questions and answer truthfully:<br />
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how do u know she doesnt feel the same way as you? also do you have kids?<br />
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have you tried to have sex recently? are you sure this isnt your ego trying to find the easy way out rather than deal with it? <br />
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is your parents relationship affecting your relationship? <br />
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is there anything you like about her? maybe its just the initial spark gone...?

I remember when I felt like that...the indifference. It was a scary feeling. I know it was over, but wasn't sure what to do after that. Wishing I didn't feel like that. The guilt. Its the stage that sets everything else in motion. I do feel for you, it's was hard for me. I was in denial after that. Well hope that you figure out what you want in life. What you think you need to do.

-----"....which is indifferent."<br />
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Welcome to the stage of "indifference".<br />
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That really means it is over. Truly over. No bad feelings, no desire to "get even", just a feeling that you need to be your authentic self and do what you have to do with absolutely no malice towards the other person. With no agenda to hurt them, but to get your needs met, with some dignity. The lie is finished.<br />
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The probabilility of coming back from indifference is generally lower than coming back from the love/hate dynamic. At least with love/hate there are still strong emotions present. <br />
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Depending on your outlook, indifference can be quite liberating.