It Ain't Over Til The Fat Lady Sings? She Lost Her Voice Ages Ago!

I had this experience for 4 years . I just couldn't leave , because I still love her ,even she was away this long , but I was fighting to get our love back .

Now after 2 more years I feel that we can live together even our sexual life this is different ( she doesn't like sex with me as before )

I don't know what to tell you ; but it is a long life together ; I was her first love !

we started our relation when I was 19 and she was 16

I still want her in my life ;

Your angst is palpable...... this is a very straining position to be in.



In many ways you and your H are acknowledging the reality of having children at school/uni, but not the reality of dealing with a relationship which has become unhealthy for one or both of you.



When my sister divorced, I was so impressed by her and her hubby's actions. They continued to live in Sydney, he had his own apartment, but also had a room in the house where my sister and their daughter lived. In this way they all interacted enough to co-parent, but had space for their private lives.



The daughter has grown into a most wonderful woman.



It's a pity that society spends heaps on showing us how to have the perfect wedding, with little effort on how to have a wonderful marriage, and even less on how to do a respectful divorce which acknowledges the long years of friendship, and the need often for a productive friendship or partnership in raising children beyond divorce.



I hope you find a way to make the changes work for you all.

I think you are making a strong decision and I feel your pain. I have been in a crazy rollercoaster life for the last 4 years and its driving me insane. Good Luck to you as I continue to work on changing my life as well. (:

I think you must have the voice for this Fat Lady...you can give it to her any moment you like, then she will sing for you. I am sure of this.



xoxo

I dont understand how two people who loved each other so much can just stop participating in the marriage... I get it for young kids who marry too early but grown ups?? Divorce hurts everyone in the family... forever. My husband has shut down for over two years, I want to leave our beautiful home (that has been completely cared for and decorated by me) We are upside down so we cant sell... and he won't even acknowlege that we are done. We are close to retirement so I don't want to lose the benefits and vice versa.......With the economy shot and seeing so many lose everything, I am feeling like I am indulging to want a life with someone who is caring, loving and affectionate. HOw in the heck did this become MY life???????

I could not do it.

I sacrificed a lot of my own sanity to get out but I would have lost it entirely anyways had I stayed any longer once she told me she did not love me.

Days like these are a blessing. They show how right you are in the choice you are making.

While the exit strategy is good to have, it's best to be mentally ready for anything.

Thank you to all of you. It seems that today I need to give that half assed exit plan of mine some attention!!

Angel, why the "five year plan"? In your first story for ILIASM you said that you would have been devastated to discover your parents stayed together because of you. Don't you think your youngest will feel the same way?



I'm sure you must have good reasons for delaying your departure but I cannot believe ANYTHING is worth staying in this situation you describe. And I totally agree with MTT, your health will likely be badly affected. Whilst I can never know for sure, I believe my auto-immune disease was triggered by the ongoing stress of my sexless marriage.



And the tipping point that both FoP and Elk describe is imminent in your case I feel! It will take just one tiny detail to cause the balance to shift . . . so PLEASE be prepared with that Exit Plan. Without it you are playing Russian Roulette with yourself AND your child.

I was like you. But one day my H and I had a fight over some spilled popcorn. And I said - that's it. Divorce. I wasn't really ready. But I just couldn't take it anymore.



We went out flat hunting today together. And I also told him I'd help him furniture shop.

You may not know how insightful your comments are. Why is it so difficult for us to recognize what's right in front of us? I think we're afraid of something...being alone, financial difficulties, anger, rejection, dating, responses of friends and family. All of these fears have some basis, but they are never as bad as we imagine. Because one consistent aspect of human behavior is our resilience. We have a way of making lemonade from lemons.



My greatest concern for you is you. This type of relationship takes its toll on your psyche but also on your body. I invest time in things that make me happy - activities and people who give me what I long for in my marriage. I invest in my body - exercise, clothes that make me feel good, eating well, etc.



For me, all this helps. It doesn't satisfy the longing, but at least it gives me a respite from my sadness.



Lately, both my H and I have been opening up to others and telling them our marriage is in trouble. I've been amazed at the amount of love and support there is out there for both of us. The lesson here is people connect when they are vulnerable, and that's the place were love is the richest and strongest.



So don't lose hope in you. The marriage may be over, but your life is not regardless of where you are living.



Blessings to you.

Just make sure you are ready... plan in place... because you are at the point where some little thing will just tip it over the edge.



If you can bring yourself to do it, now is the time to go. That "little thing" that tips it will likely be somewhat traumatizing. It really is best not to wait for it.



It's like walking on the edge of a sword... a pretty limited life span left now.



All the best,

FoP

I wonder if I'll have the jam to leave when it's time, I understand the feeling. With constant reminders like this though, you'll be able to do it when you're ready. You're not alone, you've got US!

Stay strong.