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Is My Life Over At 44?

Here I am, an American living with her German husband in Germany, 44 years old, and longing for intimacy. Everything was ok until we moved here (for the first two years of our marriage we lived in Holland because of my job). Once we moved here in Germany to his hometown, he became somebody else. And sex....it started to disappear as he became moodier and moodier. He tells me it is all about stress, but this problem has been going on for 5 years now. I understood part of his issues because there were a lot of unresolved conflicts from his past with regards to his father and sisters, but he does not seem interested in taking steps to remedy the lack of physical affection between us. Sex became twice a month, then once a month and then once every two months. That is about how it is now.

We even had to go through IVF to have a child because of his inability to perform when needed.

A few weeks ago I decided to have affairs. There is a website here in Germany for people who wish to do so called First Affair. I have a couple of appointments set up for next week when I get back to Germany.

I am interested to hear about women who have managed to keep their marriages in tact while pursuing sexual gratification outside of marriage. Can you do it without getting hurt? Does it help to have a couple of affairs running at once? Tell me your secrets ladies. I do not want to leave my husband. We have been through so much together and he is a good friend to me and loving father to our little girl. But obviously, I am not going to allow myself to be trapped in a prison of celibacy any more.

Tell me how to be successful at this.
EinEngel EinEngel 46-50, F 22 Responses Oct 23, 2011

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hello can i get an add i get no sex either wife is cold fish

From my perspective as a man, you have a false dream. Either your husband is having affiars and lying, is homosexual, or ir chemically imbalanced and a eunuch. In either case you do not have a marriage, you have an arrangement with a man you call a friend. He has an emotional security hold on you which you are finding it difficult to break away from. Your life is over if you do not get out of the marriage and find a man who loves you for who you are and in bed. Marriage includes the bedroom regularly or it is not a marriage. After all "The two will become one in flesh" or "They will cling to one another" meaning sexually. Don't hold on to your dream of his ever changing. He will not change and you will have spent your entire life without a man who is capable of loving you as a woman with sexual needs and him desiring you for his needs as well. Your husband has needs, and they are being met in some other avenue than you. I am sorry you cannot see it. You must be strong emotionally, face the facts and take control of your own life which should be without him.

Happy New Year!!! <br />
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Here it is 2012, I hope that things are getting better and that you are moving in a positive direction best of luck!!

I don't have any advice for you, but my heart goes out to you.<br />
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Stress and anxiety are my wife's excuses for not being even slightly interested in sex. I don't think stress is a respecter of gender ... it causes sexlessness in both genders if it goes unchecked. But really, is it an excuse? I mean for me sex is a stress REDUCER!! go figure ....

Yes, for me too. If I am more stressed, I actually need sex more.

i feel for you, I just worry that you'll feel guilty afterwards. It wouldn't be something I could do, there are too many diseases and really would just the act be satisfying??

Hi jcue, I will certainly insist on protection. And I try to make it clear, in the vetting process of candidates, that I prefer to keep it "all about sex". I am not sure if I would feel too guilty. 5 years is an awfully long time to be refused, isn't it?

When & Where? And No Strings!

have you asked him what his thoughts were on you having sex with other men? maybe he would feel that since he was not able to provide this for his love then he would allow you to have your needs met with another man for pleasures sake.and if not maybe it will arouse him to think of you having or wanting sex with other men?if hes your best friend then you can surely talk to him about this.

A couple of things that really jumped out at me:<br />
"he became moodier and moodier."- does that mean you are required to walk on egg shells while around him. How does that impact your daughter?<br />
" longing for intimacy" - sounds to me like you want more than the temporary satisfaction that an affair will provide for you.<br />
"Once we moved here in Germany to his hometown, he became somebody else"- So if he is no longer the loving and caring individual that you started with and was replaced by a moody and indifferent man, why do you want to continue to live with him and grow old with him. From my experience they only get worse as they get older.<br />
So since his meds keep him from satisfaction you get to suffer with him and he is okay with that? I am sorry that just does not strike me as the actions of someone who loves you so much as selfish behaviour on his part. He can't have an O so you can't either? is that about it?<br />
I doubt he would be willing to let you have an affair and if you do mention it to him be prepared for him to start watching you more closely and questioninng where you've been and with who etc...

LLL, I think you are right. I guess I feel that the man I married is still in there somewhere and we have been through so much together. Ironically, when he is in the United States with me, he goes back to acting like the man I married. Yeah, I know he would not let me have an affair. I just want to make sure I can do this without losing my heart.

The problem with affairs, even known-upfront casual-sex-only affairs is that you DO lose your heart. It is natural to have sex with the one you love, and to love the one with whom you have sex.

But see, Phred, that is why I asked if it makes more sense to have two lovers and that way I do not focus too much on one guy.

I had an emotional affair that was never consummated. It went on for a couple of years, and I still see him regularly. But it is very hard for me. I've known him for a long time, and I truly fell in love with him. That is the risk. I didn't set my mind to this - it just happened. Is it worth the risk and pain? In my case, it was the catalyst for me to deal with the problems in my marriage head on.<br />
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I miss him everyday because he was one of my best friends. But his wife found out and went completely crazy. He decided to fall back in line for reasons that are his own and our friendship ended. I have had a broken heart ever since.<br />
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But I would have never left my husband for him. I feel I must make the decision about my marriage before entering another relationship otherwise, I may be destined to repeat my pattern. I never want to be in a SM ever again, and if I give myself the time I need, my chances of success are that much better. Not to mention, my H is the wonderful father of our 2 children and the cordiality of our relationship will matter until one of us dies. <br />
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Blessings and clarity to you whatever you choose.

An emotional affair is an incredible learning experience. The extremes of joy and pain are intense and hard to describe. There are, like most things, plusses and minuses. It can open your eyes to exactly what is missing in your life and your marriage. Just be prepared when it ends, which it will, and you will be left heartbroken and in the same situation as you where when the affair started.

Been there...done that! But it's all hard so it's just a question of style and degree!

hi it's sounds like there are a number of issues....seeing a counsellor, even a sexologist would be a sensible step...high blood pressure can result in erectile dysfunction, so can the medicine, people with high blood pressure are often over weight this can exacerbate things.<br />
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you need to give him an opportunity to address the problems, if there is there is an imbalance on your sex drives having affairs may be a solution, but he should be party to this information. if he loves you he will let you do it, if that is what u need to do.<br />
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u r having sex, ok not often ie. every 2 months, u need to think how often you expect to have sex, & what is important ie penetration, ******* to be ****** or have intimacy. u could always read up on things like tantric sex, which has a different emphasis than regular sex<br />
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relationships are ba<x>sed on trust & honesty.....so generally affairs per se don't work....if it was a one of u might get away with it....tho women are much better at getting away with these things.....invariably an affair would drive u further apart....plus u risking passing on std's to him....that isn't fair on someone u love & respect......<br />
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stress - if he is stressed, it sounds like he is not spending enough quality time with you.....sex is a stress reliever...u need to make time for each other......<br />
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good luck<br />
<br />
ahoneymonster

I can´t tell you what is right for you, I can only share what it is for me.<br />
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I am an American woman, married to a Dutch guy. My job transferred me to Holland several years ago, where I met my husband when we were both speakers at a conference.<br />
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If you read my previous stories, you will see I have refused him. In my opinion, there is no moral high ground to be gained by being a refuser or a refusee. If you love your husband, and your husband loves you, and you beleive that to be true, you should NOT engage in an affair. Apart from the fact it makes a complicated marital more painful and confusing, you are not fixing anything, in fact it is a step further from resolving the issue.<br />
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I totally get the work stress, financial stress, kids have a way to cloud our individual la<x>yer of needs. For me it is often like that.<br />
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But, the fact you no longer accept a SM is good thing, and that you have enough energy to have an affair only means you are enough pain to change things. HOW you change it is on you. You can choose.<br />
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For me, I have been resentful towards him for years, for whatever reasons, the reason aren´t important, on top of that, my H. and I have different personalities which affect how we engage each other on the roommate bit of living together. He is scientist, highly intelligent, and massively and hopeless chaotic. Nothing wrong with that, but for me, all the chaos he brings into my otherwise peaceful environment distrubs me...and I mean disrupts me, where I feel out of balance and can´t function. To the point where I don´t feel I can control my environment, so what better way to control my environment than to withold sex.<br />
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My point is, if you once enjoyed a healthy sex life with your husband, and now you don´t, there is something else underneath it. So your choice is, take your energy from your frustration and go back to where it broke, look at what happened before that, and get hold of what that was like. I know it isn´t the short term gratification of an affair, but ultimately it could be more satisfying.<br />
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Good Luck and if you want to chat sometime let me know. I am only a few hours away.<br />
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God bless you, I know you are in pain.

Hi Voetbalmum. Yes, I would like to chat sometime. Unlike you, I am not resentful with my husband. If anything, I feel a bit sorry for him, but am helpless to do anything to improve his personal stress other than suggesting pyschiatry, which he tried but gave up on saying he had no time. The last step I will take now is to suggest we both go to a counselor.

"what better way to control my environment than to withold sex" - do you really mean this?

hey hl42...yes I meant it. And it is a hurtful and destructive way to cope and it isn't working for me. It probably never did.

Have you discussed the fact that you need sex, and ask him if he would consider some outside help. He has to realize that you need your needs met. I also believe that he is too young (that is if he is your age) to be uninterested in sex. Are you sure he is not meeting his needs through ****....or if in the Stuttgart area, the Drei Farben Haus in downtown Stuttgart? If you sneak around on him, and he finds out, I am afraid the consequences will be worse than discussing you having a sexual outlet on the side.

Yes, I have discussed it with him several times. He tells me he hates it too, this situation of having no libido and a complete lack of interest. I am sure he is not doing anything else.

If he hated it, he would be doing something about it.

2 Things has he seen a doctor? Maybe there is something that will help. Second is prostitution still legal Germany? If so before you have an affair is that is the only way to fool full your sexual needs find a male prostitute or even a female to fill that missing need. Just an idea good bad or indifferent just an idea. Good luck. I realize how are it is to love someone and not get the sex you need and want from the relationship.

If he isn't willing to put in the effort, that should tell you a lot about how important the relationship is to him.

Wednesday I agree, just like us refusers,come to forum to seek truth... coping skills, advice, you name it... why? cause we hate being refused so much,and were trying to do something about it.

tobias you got that right

3 More Responses

MVCMVC is correct. An affair will only expose and magnify what is wrong in your marriage. It only makes EVERYTHING worse.<br />
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If you can find someone you are only sexually attracted to and have no attachment, then fine, but there is no guarantee you are not going to fall for the person you are having the affair with. You may not realize how vulnerable you are. I may not know you, but the fact that you are looking and needing intimacy puts you in a vulnerable position to being swept up by an affair. Affairs can be very intense. It may be fun and exciting at first, but it soon starts getting complicated. Very complicated. Any way you look at it someone is winds up getting hurt from the result of an affair. What if you leave your husband for this other man? Would you be able to trust him 10 years down the road after he had an affair with you? What if you two break up? Dealing with a broken heart while you're still married is unimaginably heart wrenching. You have no idea, but you are much better off now. It is easier to get out of a loveless marriage and start a new life without the cost of an affair, than it is to get out of loveless marriage with a broken heart.<br />
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Not to mention, you also don't know who these men are on those websites. I worry for you safety too. Please be careful.<br />
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Also, great advice is to know the laws in your area about extra marital. affairs. <br />
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I keep recommending this book, but it is really helping me. It's called, "Choosing Me Before We." If you love your husband and he is your bestfriend, then maybe that is all that he is to you at this point? Just a thought? Intimacy is what keeps us connected. You can maybe be friends if you divorce. That may not be possible if he finds out you are having an affair. <br />
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In the end you will do what you want to do, but I truly hope you re-think this. I am not at all saying "don't have an affair for the sake of your marriage," I know what you are going through, I lived it. I just don't want you to wind up in a bigger mess than you ever possibly imagined. <br />
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Good luck to you.

MVCMVC is correct. An affair will only expose and magnify what is wrong in your marriage. It only makes EVERYTHING worse.<br />
<br />
If you can find someone you are only sexually attracted to and have no attachment, then fine, but there is no guarantee you are not going to fall for the person you are having the affair with. You may not realize how vulnerable you are. I may not know you, but the fact that you are looking and needing intimacy puts you in a vulnerable position to being swept up by an affair. Affairs can be very intense. It may be fun and exciting at first, but it soon starts getting complicated. Very complicated. Any way you look at it someone is winds up getting hurt from the result of an affair. What if you leave your husband for this other man? Would you be able to trust him 10 years down the road after he had an affair with you? What if you two break up? Dealing with a broken heart while you're still married is unimaginably heart wrenching. You have no idea, but you are much better off now. It is easier to get out of a loveless marriage and start a new life without the cost of an affair, than it is to get out of loveless marriage with a broken heart.<br />
<br />
Not to mention, you also don't know who these men are on those websites. I worry for you safety too. Please be careful.<br />
<br />
Also, great advice is to know the laws in your area about extra marital. affairs. <br />
<br />
I keep recommending this book, but it is really helping me. It's called, "Choosing Me Before We." If you love your husband and he is your bestfriend, then maybe that is all that he is to you at this point? Just a thought? Intimacy is what keeps us connected. You can maybe be friends if you divorce. That may not be possible if he finds out you are having an affair. <br />
<br />
In the end you will do what you want to do, but I truly hope you re-think this. I am not at all saying "don't have an affair for the sake of your marriage," I know what you are going through, I lived it. I just don't want you to wind up in a bigger mess than you ever possibly imagined. <br />
<br />
Good luck to you.

here is my idea. talk to him about having someone outside to take care of the bedroom stuff. i know it sounds crazy but remember you said he is a good father and friend to you and your child and you don't want to hurt him and remember honesty is the best policy. good luck.

Re read mvcmvc's comment.<br />
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It'll be the best investment of 10 minutes you will ever make, particularly if you take some heed of the content.<br />
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NONE of the choices open in a sexless marriage are 'easy', but the affair choice is definitely one of the most difficult to successfully manage. It has many logistical and emotional hurdles to overcome. More than 'leaving' even.<br />
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Not to say you shouldn't give it a go if you choose, but be fully aware of what you are getting in to, and be honest with yourself as to whether you have the skill set to do it. <br />
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Tread your own path.

get to know the other first an see how they are with it.try email first an see an chat openly not just meet tthem first take time to open up an see what the other wants needs etc.been there rick 54m in ga

" He tells me it is all about stress, " <br />
It is all about stress. He is stressed about the fact that he does not love you anymore. <br />
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" but this problem has been going on for 5 years now. " <br />
So what? He is still married to a woman he does not love. It makes sense that he is still stressed. <br />
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I stopped reading your story at this point. I doubt you are living anything very different from what we all experience. Plan your divorce now or yes, your life will be over at 44.

He tells me he loves me, RonMcDon, and he reiterates that he has no interest in sex period, with anyone. I believe that. Maybe it is his blood pressure medicine mixed with the stress, I do not know.

None of the above. Those are all bullshit excuses. If he loved you, he would be inside you every day.

Every day? Oh come on.

I agree. Those are bullshit excuses.

If he can't "get inside you every day" - and yes, there may be reasons for that, there are MANY other things that you can do! Follow your own desires or get a good marriage manual for details, or search the internet.

No longer living in a sexless marriage - several times per day. Intercourse is not "frequent", but with enough intimate, loving, and sexual satisfaction, WHO CARES?

1 More Response

Before you step out you must have a plan for divorce. Because if or when hubby finds out and this all comes crashing down on your head, you have a plan to work from. You wrote that you don't want a divorce, but you are only married as long as hubby wants to remain married to you. An affair has the potential to jeopardize your marital status.<br />
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Part of that plan is educating yourself on the divorce laws in your jurisdiction. You might be putting yourself at risk in some way with respect to settlements if you get caught in an affair. Get smart on it.<br />
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Affairs can be tricky. They normally highlight what is wrong within your marriage, and can make you more miserable. On the other side, they can be a impetus for changes - especially if hubby finds out and divorces you - or you decide to depart under your own steam.<br />
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An affair will normally change the dynamics of your marriage at home - and generally not for the better. But that is not always the case either.<br />
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Affairs also take nerves of steel, strong intestinal fortitude, plenty of money and time, and an innate ability to compartmentalize your life to a degree that you might find unacceptable or difficult to handle. They are not for the faint of heart.<br />
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You also need to protect yourself against diseases, and, if you are still engaging in sexual relations with hubby, that would mean protecting him too by not bringing disease home.<br />
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Another path to take is being honest. With yourself and husband about your needs.<br />
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He might accept your going outside the union for satisfaction - depending on what you can negotiate here - being honest with him might work. Perhaps you might work a" Don't Ask/Don't Tell" deal for both of you. He then has an opportunity to voice his opinion on the situation. You would be operating from a ba<x>se of honesty, so there would be no getting "caught with your pants down" scenario since you aren't really cheating if you have hammered out an arrangement with hubby - before stepping out. Additionally, if someone drops a dime on you to hubby, he is not blindsided because your deal is already in place.<br />
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In the end affairs are normally only a temporary solution. A bandaid on a gaping wound that is your marriage.<br />
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When or if the affair ends the gaping hole is still present. You end up kicking the can down the road and never resolving the core issue - your marriage.<br />
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Be smart, play smart. You can enjoy an affair and having plan in place for contingencies will make the experience even more enjoyable.

Yup. Forget affairs, I figured even one solitary marriage is too complicated for me.

I don't think you can have it both ways and feel good about it and have everything work out. That's just my opinion.

I am an American woman living in the UK, married to a British man. We didn't have to resort to IVF, but our little boy is something of a miracle :-) I did the website/affair thing. I don't regret it. But it woke me up to what I was living in and I expect my husband to be moving out within the next six weeks.<br />
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Is that success? Maybe. I'm ready to move on.

Yes, but see, I love my husband still and regard him as a very good friend to me and I think of what a wonderful father he is to our little girl. I just want sexual intimacy without destroying our family. I think long term and would prefer we grow old and retire together.

give it a try - affair sex is fabulous. Enjoy. Expect a lot of mixed feelings. You will get hurt. But it will almost certainly be worth it.

Be very careful. If he finds out you will prbly end up in divorce anyway, and then it will look like (and spun to look like) it's all your fault!