What Should I Do ?

hi, let me introduce myself.. My name is Paul and I have just joined this site. Having browsed some of the categories on here I decided to add a story in th SM section. Dont get me wrong..I have a wonderful wife, three beautiful children, but a high sex drive. Since the birth of our last child 23 years ago now, my wifes interst in sex has fallen to zero. The more I try the less she wants. She says it is not me, but refuses to seek advice. I love her with all my heart ,but started txting a female collegue, which then turned to sex txting and led to the inevitable. Sometimes I think I am weak in giving into my needs, other times I feel the pressure is off my wife to give what she does not want to give. Now i have lost my way and am being selfish by having sex with my friend with benifits and that is all it is, and loving my wife in such a deceitful way. I have tried to stop and sometimes have gone for months on end.. but eventually needs take control of my weak mind. Am I alone here?
holdfirm holdfirm 46-50, M 16 Responses Oct 31, 2011

Your Response


You aint alone.

You are NOT alone, and 23 years! Really! I have been in the same situation but I didn't last that long! I only last a year and a half before I got tired of it. I am not saying I cheated, but it has seriously crossed my mind, and I have even taken steps to set it up at times. It is your responsibility as a wife/husband to care for your spouse's sexual needs. To not care at all is selfish and inconsiderate. If you do not take care of your spouse, remember, someone else will!

Well, Darlow, I have no doubt you mean well - but your post is largely irrelevant to this forum. You describe the situation as if it were a temporary glitch in an otherwise excellent relationship . . . Although how you could reach that conclusion when the OP says there has been no sex for 23 years, I cannot understand.

Furthermore the suggestions you make are insulting - although I'm sure you don't mean them to be. Do you honestly think that people in SM do not understand about communication? That it never occurred to us to talk to our sexless partners?

I have two pieces of advice for you.

1) Do NOT give advice on a subject you know nothing about.

2) If you wish to contribute to a forum of which you are NOT a member, please have the courtesy to find out about that subject before sprouting forth with what we should do.

Communication is always the beginning of solutions in any relationship and the end result is always the amount of understanding and giving by both partners put into the communications...

Running away from the relationship into another without fixing the one you got dooms the next one to the same fate no matter many sparks of sexual intensity and amazing love seems apparent ...everything seems great without responsibilities attached... when the crackle wears off the mundane returns and you have the beginning of a repeat of the last relationship...

It would seem to me that your options are...

1. Fix it... this always has hope for just have to find it...but it is always there...

2. Dont fix it and cannot leave your baggage behind...its stuck to you like glue and goes with you.....

Some suggestions?

If you love her and want to keep your marriage tell her that and tell her everything about how you feel without blame or put down...and ask for her help to fix it....ask for freedom to express your feelings and sexuality inside or outside your marriage without demand and suggest the only condition would be to treat her and your family as always your and hers first priority and love t with great care and dignity appreciation and honour given and recieved always...... offer her the same priviledge...

She would be feeling a failure as a marriage partner too...offer your complete support in whatever she would like to do or whatever way...and ask to look at all options together looking for a solution...two heads together looking is much better than opposed...bit it takes guts risk and downt to earth blatant honesty...but the results can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling too...

Start with complimenting her on any little thing she does or you see about her (without over doing it)....look for them...they will be there......just one small thing each day will make her feel appreciated and loved... and be patient the rest of your lifes happiness may depend on gettog this right...and when you talk to her dont bring up anything about your feelings on a sexless marriage until she is in a very good mood and receptive to discussion and contributing...maybe over a glass of wine etc.. when really relaxed...

Her world will begin to change when she is shown that you care for her....and your world inside will change also when you give to her with the compliments and noticing the good things about her...and start doing little things for her without having to be asked...they dont have to be big things it may just being thoughtful as picking up your own clothes and maybe clearing the table after dinner...... these things can become a way of life and you will expand that automatically to others at work and around you without even realising you are doing it...and your world becomes a happy place that others want to be part of without realising is the secret to happiness...

She closed the door on your relationship when she refused to work on the problems. Maybe she would be accepting of an open marriage since she has no interest in sex? You can't be expected to "soldier on" living a celibate life just because she isn't interested. It's detrimental to your mental and physical health. If she has expectations like that, then maybe she isn't so wonderful after all.

I identify. 30 yrs. married...15yrs. sexless...3yr.affair. Affair dumped me..left with sm. Came clean and gave the marriage 3 months to work. Month 2 now. If I were you, I would listen to baz. I love my my grandmother. I don't think I can live like this anymore. When I came here in Sept.,

I was dead set against divorce. Keep reading...this forum helps. I have started mentally preparing for what I see as the inevitable........Good luck.

Peace and Love......Rusty

Outcomes are often predictible.

If a spouse withholds sex, one can predict the possible outcomes. You chose the affair route. If a spouse has an affair, one can predict the possible outcomes there as well.

From what I've witnessed, affairs always change the game. If you never get caught, you may have guilt (which you do now) or it may show you what you're missing (that one you have as well). If you do get caught or confess, there are also a limited range of possible outcomes. You've chosen a particular game changer and it sounds to me like you don't like how the game is playing out.

So you have some choices to make and all of them are hard. But for your peace of mind, you've got to take charge and decide what you want otherwise you'll get eaten alive by living in limbo and guilt. Someone is going to get hurt, but everyone is already hurting.

I empathize and offer a shoulder for you to lean upon. That's what we do for each other here.


Wow, since 23 years! You are not weak, you are incredibly strong in abiding by your promise. BUT you may be weak in following your needs. Consider this: a marriage is a promise of taking care of each other completely, it includes the promise to have sex with your wife. If she withdraws sex or limits it to a trickle, you are about morally absolved once you tried seriously fix that situation and she just remains stagnant.

How to fix it? You say you love her still, read this guy's blog, may be you can get back on track. Why not complete a marriage in the way you thought you would when you married? It's worth a shot.

I TOTALLY agree to the earlier responder (bazzar) on the legal exit strategy. You are at elevated risk because of the long duration of your marriage. In some states you may be held by financial balls. I am myself considering a preemptive divorce even though I might want to try to get back with my wife but seeing myself at risk for the financial ball-chain if the attempt fails. If you find out that you live in a problem state (that grants gratuitous alimony, and punitively so) you may want to consider taking a job in a better state and moving there. Usually you can file within a few months / half year of that move. The final reason to want your exit strategy is that it empowers you to take your marriage up-front and possibly still turn it around.

But go read that Married Man's Sex Life blog. It's really good. The idea is you up your sex rank over your wife's and you pull her up. You situation has been going on for too long, so it might be a problem, but it's worth trying. I would then stand up for myself and say to her "I love you but I can't live with this any more ... I will have to quit if this doesn't improve". If you have game on women of her "sex rank" or higher, AND if you have your financial ball-chain resolved, then she should wake up and cooperate. If not she must be depressive or something. If she doesn't want to help the situation, you can leave with grace. Don't be desperate, you can even leave as friends, because if she just doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't need a husband. Good friends will do.

There is another possible non-divorce option of asking her to stay room-mates and friends and she agreeing to set you free to have your adventures. But there is a problem with this, once you fall in love and it's more than playing, you will need to quit on her anyway unless you might get your other woman to agree to the set-up. If you don't think about that you're ending up hurting the other woman/women you're playing with. A multi-women arrangement gets very theoretical, but some can do it, and you make your own path through this.

Well, my advice to you is to speak up with your wife openly about your sex drive feeling who knows she might understand your situation and maybe she will try to change her self before she loses you if she really loves and care for you.

did your wife ask you to sleep with others to take the pressure off of her? I think some communicating would be in order-- Our preferences take over our principles and hold them captive to regain the 3d life we lost so long ago.

You are definitely not alone.

u're not alone. u may be in the majority

As someone who was that collegue being texted, if you really don't care about her then please leave her be. It will turn into a world of hurt for her anyway. My relationship turned to love and his situation is very different to yours, but the hurt is still the same. He is trying to exit and it is not easy..for him or for to back away and come up with a better solution...just saying

Next time, if there is a next time, be sure to perform a "burn-in" test before signing the dotted line. Nothing to feel ashamed of.

You are (relatively) young, your children are grown, and you've apparently still got game. I'm sorry, what was the question?

Seeing a lawyer to establish how a split would shake out in your jurisdiction would be a smart play, for 3 main reasons.

1 - all marriages end, either by death, or the choice of one of the spouses.

2 - if your marriage is dysfunctional, then the chances of a split escalate further.

3 - if their is cheating involved, up goes the likelyhood of the marriage collapsing even further.

You tick ALL these boxes.

If you see a lawyer, you will have a context of what is possible in your jurisdiction. From that information you can construct an exit plan and get it into do-able shape. At that point, you have all the bases covered.

a - you enacting the split because you have finally had a gutful

b - you enacting the split because you have found your soulmate

c - your wife enacting the split because she has finally had a gutful

d - your wife discovering your colouring outside the marital lines and enacting the split.

You are engaged in high risk behavior here. A safety net in the form of a do-able exit strategy would be a very good thing to have in your pocket whilst the situation plays out to its' (as yet) unknown conclusion.

Tread your own path.

No, you are not alone.

You should see a divorce lawyer now. You know that, by the way.