Unravelling Complicated Stories (1)I have a long confusing story that I'm only starting to unravel. I love him and we are best friends when it comes to most things in our life. But, and this is a big but for me, there is this huge emotional gap. The only real emotion he ever shares is anger. It really raised its ugly head when my Mom got sick two years ago. He doesn't know how to support me emotionally. We talked through it, fought through it and then settled back into same 'ol same 'ol. For the most part, I'm content, but I miss having an emotional connection. Then, recently my Dad got sick. This problem is once again highlighted and in my face once again. I pretty much told him to step up already. That I'm tired of feeling alone and isolated in our relationship. Hell, I had more hugs, and people stopping in checking up on me from my friends at work than I did from my husband. I TOLD him that too. He doesn't seem to get it.
Don't get me wrong, he's been great in other ways - he's helped my Mom with her computer issues, he's cooked, he's made sure that the chores at our house are done so that I can focus on school when we were home. These are all kind, thoughtful things to do for someone you love. (and I know he loves me). But they are done in silence. We went a week back home without him asking me once how I was doing/feeling about my Dad. It's strange. It's cold.
The problem is.....I don't think he knows HOW to. He was so emotionally abused as a kid that he doesn't have the ability to get there without help. I've asked him to get help (years ago) and he doesn't want to (or maybe he doesn't feel he needs to).
I think my husband is beyond a typical man when it comes to emotions. I have cried in front of him and he doesn't know what to do with me. When Mom was sick, it was very bad. I was crying all the time and not getting the support I needed. I finally blew up at him and told him that he'd better figure it out or we were done. That *I* am an emotional being and need emotion. He's all logic and he's damn cold about things. Which brings me to the more sensitive subject.....one that this forum will really understand. (I’ve been lurking and reading a lot here – thank you for sharing your stories – they have inspired me to share mine!)
We haven't had sex in three and a half years. I can't even think about it at this point. It's awkward and cold and always has been. It's like he goes through the steps in his head. It's mechanical. In the beginning, we tried to work through it. Lots of patience and talking and practicing. In the 10 years that we've been together, I think we've had more years of NOT having sex than having sex now. The last time before the 3+ mark was nearly 2 years. And a year before that. How do you fix something like that? I have no idea.
Fortunately, I'm really busy, and that means I haven’t paid attention to the lack of sex. I have mastered taking care of myself, but that's really nothing I want to be bragging about! I miss having that closeness and that passion. Something we never really had because sex was never really good between us. I just always thought we'd get better at it, find the rhythm so to speak. After 3-4 years of working it out, I gave up. HE gave up. And here we are now.
So the story starts with emotion and delves into physical. I've asked him what he thinks, what we should do and there's silence. I'm reaching the end of my rope and he doesn't even know it. I'm certain if I go to counselling (and I have before) I will leave him. I am angry at him for not trying and angry at myself for letting it go on for so long. I don't know if I have the patience for more. I've been lonely for so long. There is a fire burning inside me again and I cannot ignore it a moment longer.
It is such a relief to finally share my story. I've recently opened up about this to two very special people in my life. I've been holding on to this for so long hoping it would workout/change. There's been so much inertia that I worry about opening the flood gates...once you push forward, it's hard to go back and I'm terrified of where that is going to take me.
One thing I have figured out, I want to live a full life, not part of a full life.
Thanks for listening.