Unravelling Complicated Stories (1)

What causes people to shut down emotionally?



I have concluded that if it is not a mental incapacity, it is a result of trauma - emotional, sexual, physical. So if he was willing to deal with that, you might have a chance but it would be a long, hard road. I've been on it for 25 years though we've only really been dealing with it the last 5. So, if you love him and want to give it the time, there is always a chance. But he has to be willing to do his own work as you don't own his trauma and can't give him the roadmap. He must find his own way, and you must find yours as well.



But if you feel you've already given as much as you are able, then for everyone's sake, you should move toward your exit strategy. No one wins when everyone is suffering. Your life is valuable and important. So is his, but you can't save him. He can only save himself. You need to stake a claim in your own happiness regardless of what happens to your marriage. So create your life and if you want to continue to work together with him, then you're making a confident choice to do so.

It occurs to me that both of you might benefit if you printed this thread and gave it to him. It sounds to me that he is in just as much pain as you are and he has no idea where to begin even to describe it.

Wow, I would think if you told him what you just told us, it would light his fire. If not, well unfortunately you know what you may have to do. You know what your future holds if noting is done, so do you roll the dice?

For once I am going to take major issue with other contributors and say in summary at the outset that you both made a mistake getting married to one another and you both continue to make mistakes whether that is in the context of remaining together or in not getting divorced.



As you are the poster, my opinions will be directed at YOU. Firstly, try your damnedest to park the fury. It will eat you up inside, damage your health and complete distort your perspective.



Quote: "So the story starts with emotion and delves into physical". Yep, you do a very good job of summing the situation up. "Emotional maturity", "emotional intelligence", "emotional connectedness", etc, etc. I just love (not) the bull-**** pseudo-scientific catchphrases these non-expert relationship experts come up with. However, they are useful tags because we hope we all know what it means and that is what you are talking about here.



As an aside, it is possible that he might be clinically classified somewhere on the autism spectrum but I would strongly doubt it. Apart from which this sort of nonsense is tossed around far too effortlessly.



My WILD guess? As useful or as useless as anybody else's? He's AFRAID of you! He's afraid of women as a species in general! He's AFRAID of the situation! He's AFRAID of acting constructively because he's AFRAID that he will only make the situation worse by opening his big gob and blabbing incoherently or even worse saying something comprehensible that goes down like the Graf Zeppelin.



If there is any authenticity to this perception at all and you haven't already made the psychological 'move out' then you are going to have to change your strategy completely from being confrontational to being persuasive. The harder you push him the more firmly he becomes psychologically entrenched.



On top of that you have the issue of his childhood abuse that you fleetingly referred to. Where does it, if at all, sit in all this? You raise it as an issue but don't factor it in.



I am not being blunt to criticize you but to try to create an appropriate impact on your critical thinking on the issue.



Best wishes, really.

Serious, stressful life events, such as you detailed, do have a tendancy to highlight and reveal underlying dysfunctions in relationships.



You have been coping over the years with various strategies, and now those same strategies have run thier course.



The next step is to find a different course to take.



And that is the difficult part.



I recommend you keep reading here, you might find something of value when you see how other's in similar situations (sexless marriages that is) have moved forward with improving their overall quality of life.



Additionally, you could have a few sessions in individual counselling to help you sort through your situation. Might be valuable.

Sounds like he does things because they need to be done, but you are correct we are emotional beings (those of us that are here in ILIASM), and for whatever reason he is not. Unfortunately there are many people who just don't feel the same way we do. We love touching those we care about, and doing things, for those we care about and making love to those we care about. There are many here who's DH or DW do not. There can be many explinations as Bazzar has alluded to, but the point is, they won't or can't change nore can we. So it goes back to the old 3 choices



1) Stay and deal with it

2) Divorce

3) Outsourcing



None are the answers any of us seek when we start here, but as I am sure you see there are very few "success" stories. The smartest thing for any of us to do is leave and start over with someone like us. The hardest part is getting to the point of realization.



Good luck and keep reading EP alot of clarity has come from here.

I reckon a few of a lay-experts here will have a field day in diagnosing this one. Aspergers syndrome would be my tip as the winner in the 'what is the "why"' stakes here.



Anyway. For some "why" or other he is emotionally distant and disconnected and intimacy averse.



Consequently, what you have to deal with is the fact that he is emotionally distant and disconnected and intimacy averse.



Your method(s) of dealing with it so far seem to have worked to some extent (after all, you are still there), but apparently those methods now are not working.



Might be time to re-think the whole thing. Maybe bringing the focus in on YOU, and what you'd like, and put him on hold while you do so.



You mention that you want a full life. On the balance of probability, given your story, that is not going to be possible in this relationship. He has a huge "why" (probably a few actually) that have brought about the dysfunctional state of the marriage - AND - he has no interest in even attempting to address those "whys". So it seems this is to be "it" for the foreseeable future.



To a passing internet stranger, it seems pretty obvious what you need to do. But even an internet stranger knows that "simple" does not mean "easy".



I wish you clarity as you weigh it all up for your eventual choice. Your choice won't be between "good / bad". It is likely to be between two options, both less than perfect.



Tread your own path.