A Quick Update

Maybe not so quick once I start writing.  Who knows.

I'm still in the house, still sleeping in the spare room.  School is going well, but it's tough, and I'm stressed from all angles.  My in-laws don't call the house at all (that I know of).  My husband talks to them via email mostly, as far as I can tell. 

I have been thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Now that his parents think I'm such a horrible, evil person simply because I'm unhappy (all because their son hasn't had sex with me in 3 years), I surely can't justify myself going there for either holiday.  How awkward will THAT be?  I have been tossing the idea around of going out of town to see my mom.  I haven't spoken to my husband about it yet, however.  No doubt it's going to be another emotionally draining conversation.

Even though I told my husband months ago that I wanted to separate (but didn't because he bawled like a baby) and that I have no desire for him sexually anymore after so long without, he is still trying.  He still thinks that somehow I'm going to want sex with him.  He's starting testosterone treatments.  He found out his testosterone level is at about 7 on a scale of 6-30.  I'm dreading it.  The thought of sexual intimacy with him gives me anxiety like crazy. 

I am feeling so miserable and trapped and CRAZY! 
MissLee MissLee 46-50, F 19 Responses Nov 10, 2011

Your Response


I understand feeling crazy & trapped!

I'm lucky in that I have a great relationship with my MIL, even after her finding out about the issues between me and my H. She is being supportive of both of us, and she and I were able to talk when she visited over Thanksgiving.

That aside, I think it would be good for you to get away and visit with your mom, even if it is just you, and your H can visit with his family. You deserve a holiday with less stress.

You sticking with your plan to see your mother? I think that is the healthiest thing you could be doing right now.

the holidays are very stressful..and maybe you would prefer visiting with friends instead of family..but select somewhere, to go where you will feel secure..or just go yourself somewhere..Where you go for christmas, has to be a place where you really don't have to offer explanations of why your there without your spouse..or stay home and send the spouse to his parents..whatever works..but start on a plan...or if you can't come up with something...well,, then at the last poor dear..well son of a gun, if you aren't just too darn ill to go visiting....This time ...just try to do what works for you....

I know how exactly how you feel. I myself is always at a loss everythime I of things to avoiding any approach my husband does, everytime he shows the need of a release. I feel so sorry for him whenever turn down and make up something for the reason.

I finally had the chance cry out my heart in desperation in front of a fight. Telling him I don't need sex.

And that I can't feel anything sensual least to say, about his manhood. I felt sorry that I wanted him to hurt me physically. But we were both shocked of my sudden emotional burst.

I am not happy hurtin him that way. But I can't deny I needed to tell him the truth.

I am sort of having the same issue.....husband scared of being left alone of change so all of a sudden wants to throw me a scrap.......I too have no interest in him touching me at all at this point.

It is a wall we put up to survive, we grew out of love......NOT OUT FAULT, we are not obligated to have unwanted sex with them just because they FINALLY decided to pull their head out of their ***. Too little too late, it does not make us the bad guy it makes us done. For me it has been 7 years it took me years to give up and move on emotionally I can't go back, and seriously for what even if we gave in did it managed to not have our skin crawl how long would it be before they are comfortable that we are staying and thing will go back to how they've been. I can not fall in and out of love or sexual attraction even for that matter on a dime. Tell him to go back to his own bed and FRO (**** right off) thats basically what they have been telling us for years right?

enna30: I kind of made a deal with myself that I'd stay for my first two semesters. By that time, our younger son will be 18 and hopefully I'll be able to get a better job. I just get so stressed because I know I'm not getting good sleep or enough sleep because of all the worrying I do. This place is an outlet to just get it off my chest, so to speak. I am very appreciative of all the feedback I get. *hugs*

MissLee, I think visiting your mother and your family is the perfect "get out of jail free" card! NO ONE can object to you visiting your mother at Christmas. If your husband or inlaws comment on him not accompanying you, simply say you thought your inlaws would like to have their son with THEM at Christmas . . . This is unselfish and caring IMO>

Your desire not to hurt your husband further is understandable, but really doesn't serve the outcome you are trying to achieve. He KNOWS you are unhappy and (unless you are a truly superb actress!) there will be hints of that in your behaviour and attitude, no matter how hard you are trying to suppress it.

I suggest you consider setting a date in January fr the resolution of your current situation. Doing anything now might be exceedingly difficult, with Christmas only a month away. But giving yourself a target date will help you focus on what needs to be done before that date arrives. . . .

However, it is YOUR process and if you need more time, then take it. But you might be pleasantly surprised how, once the decision is made, it is easier to implement than you currently fear. {{{hugs}}}

laivalentaailmassa: You are so right! My brain does need a rest. Between this emotional stress and 3+ months straight of studying, I'm spent.

ModLulu: What's really keeping me here is my son (he's almost 18), and the fact that I can't support myself. When I think about staying, really staying, it makes me anxious and depressed because I see a very unhappy future with someone I feel zero passion for. I think deep down I know what I want.

Hazey12: Thank you, Hazey. :)

kattalie: Wise words -- thank you. :)

voetbalmum: I really like what you said about staying to serve MY higher purpose. I guess I hadn't really thought of it in that way. I will know when the time is right. As for my in-laws, what makes their behavior/attitude hurtful is that I really do like them! They have always treated me like their own daughter. :/

bazzar: As always, you provide much insight. I especially like what you said about choice: "[a] sharp additional pain now involving a future benefit" V "known pain continuing involving no future benefit". So, so true.

louiseshaw: More than likely I will definitely be spending Christmas with my mom, brother, and nephews. And I may drag my teenager along. :)

RonMcDon: Yes, well, it's hard to maintain those "warm fuzzies" when your spouse chose to do things that resulted in zero sex. But your replies remain true to form.

anonymousaswell: Thanks for the reply. :) I know my mom would love to spend Christmas with me.

mvcmvc: I can't feel comfortable knowing they are so hateful towards me. The thing is, I am not the one to have brought all this on. If anyone has the right to be mad about their child being unhappy because of the actions of a spouse, it would be my mom. But she's not like that. She still treats my husband very well and still talks to him and still says she loves him. She only wants us to be happy, whether that means being happy together or apart. She doesn't judge. She's so awesome. Oddly enough, she's not the religious one. My husband's parents are. *eyeroll*

genguy: I let other people dictate my behavior because I hate disappointing people. It's a terrible flaw, I know. I'm working on it. :)

k9sportchick: "When you get to the place where MissLee (and me) are, you become so emotionally beaten down and exhausted that you have to dig very deep to summon the energy to even care about yourself. She will get there and so will I ... in our own time."

Precisely, k9. Thank you. :)

Don't be afraid to implement your thoughts on the matter. This is where arguments usually arise from, difference of opinion. In this case you want the practical change so its more a matter of need.

Good luck.

You really, honestly don't have to stay married if you truly don't want to. If something deep inside is keeping you there, then I suggest you do some work to try to make the marriage better -- in mean, you are stuck there anyway, and it's no fun either way. I've written extensively about the process of staying in the midst of anger and lack of attraction.

You staying because he cries when you start to leave is indicative that he is controlling you -- you react to him being distraught and stay. He has control over you through your reactivity. No matter what you end up doing, you need to break this cycle.

And I think it is an excellent idea for you to get outta Dodge for the holidays.

-----"I am feeling so miserable and trapped and CRAZY!"

That is a result of living a lie.

Once you decide to get to more authenticity the miserable, trapped and crazy feeling will go away.

I recommend you makes plans to see your mother. The extent of discussion to have with him about it is to notify him of your departure date. That is it. the other side of the coin is the following.

Life is short. Why should I waste my precious time with people I don't even like, when I already feel bad about not spending time with the people I like and make me feel good.

It doesn't make sense...

and by the way, I count as one of the people I like spending time with that makes me feel good.

When you start telling the truth you will feel better.

Additionally, I look at the "social obligation" thing this way:

You attend only if you can do so gracefully and with the intentions of enjoying said event.

If you know you won't enjoy the event, do NOT go. You are under NO obligations to attend and NO obligations to discuss WHY. That's the great thing about being an adult, you get to choose whom you socialize with!!

Find something else to do.

Some good advice given already I will add my 2 cents, if you want to see your mom go see mom, if you just don't want to see his family don't see them. The when of your divorce/separation are in your hands when you are ready you can file. Do not feel obligated to go to his family for the holidays.

Tell your husband the truth today: You do not love him anymore.

Otherwise, keep suffering.

Miss Lee, I fully support you not seeing his family on the upcoming holidays.

In my case not seeing his family on the upcoming holidays was an impetus to me launching the divorce proceedings. I do not want to spend holidays with his family! And I am not planning to.

You are an adult. You do not have to spend holidays with his family. There is no discussion. You just tell your husband that you are not attending. He can tell them whatever he wants - that you are ill, you have to study, or you just don't want to go.

Make your own plans. With other friends. Or something small at home. Maybe he will get the message about how strongly you feel about this.

I'd best say at the outset, that up until 2 years ago, I detested Christmas with all the fake bullshit. These days, under the tutelage of an authentic person in my life, I am ever so slowly coming around. I just dislike it now which is quite an improvement from my admittedly low base.

Why indeed would you choose to spend this time of year with people who are negatively judging you, and a bloke who is full of very little ? What you choose to do at christmas might as well be something that gives up some chance of being slightly enjoyable. The in laws place does not seem to have any potential to be enjoyable.

Getting back to the primary co-habitation. You are NOT trapped. What you are is in a very difficult logistical situation that is going to require real pain and real disruption to dismantle. And a really hard and difficult choice to enact. That is NOT the same thing as "trapped".

Choice is seldom about "easy" v "difficult". Usually, it isn't even about "good" v "bad". It is invariably about "sharp additional pain now involving a future benefit" V "known pain continuing involving no future benefit".

Choice is a *****. But you don't get a pass. No-one does.

Very much feeling for you at this time. Choice is a *****.

Tread your own path.

I totally get the anxiety and craziness...

When I have had that, it was because the lie I was living was hurting, and I was getting very close to the truth...even the lie will try to advance itself when he finds he is close extinction....

But...what you can do, is know you have your plan, and everything you, everything you say is serving your plan, is serving your higher purpose.

You plan to leave, you have a plan, your reason to stay, is to serve YOUR higher purpose. Stay in that `I am serving my higher purpose` will serve you well...and it will give you strength to be courageous through your suffering...